#pgy3

Positive vibes today!

My first patient was so very nervous. Her mother had passed away only a few years ago. I don't know the details, but she had multiple surgeries over a hospital stay. She passed in the operating room--the last time her family members saw her was as she was heading off to the OR. She was kind and polite, but it was clear that she was very scared. Her PCP had prescribed her Ativan to take over the past week, because she was having panic attacks.

I spent my time with her in pre-op. We talked about the plan. I reassured her that she would never be left alone, that we would be sitting right next to her, that we'd do our best to keep her safe and comfortable.

I had the fortune of passing her in the hallway later, when I was doing ICU pre-ops and had plenty of time to spare. She was awake, and alert, and remembered me. She reached for my hand and thanked me for being there for her and doing my job. We talked until her elevator arrived.

I survived residency!

Yes I still have 7 days left...

I know I have to change something.

I've become so bitter over the past two years of residency. Bitter about the training, the abuse of residents, the low pay and the crazy hours.

But... bitterness doesn't serve me. It just makes me angry and unable to relate to anyone outside of medicine, and it's making me miserable.

So something's gotta give. How I change this, I'm not quite sure. But today, July 1st, a Monday, is the start of a new era. I'm now the senior-most resident (which is terrifying), and in 12 short months I'll be on my own.

I've always believed that if you can't change your situation, change your attitude. But for the past six months I've been so wrapped up in my resentment and misery, even that became impossible.

Stay tuned for how I'll achieve this mindset shift.

- Still haven’t left the sphere

- Upgraded from research assistant to phd-student.. no difference in tasks, only in titles.

- Had my first abstract accepted for the yearly national cardiology conference.

- Had my first abstract accepted for the ECS conference in Barcelona

The day after those shifts I still find myself filled with self-doubt. It’s been that way since I was an intern and in some ways it’s better and in others it’s worse now. I second guess every decision I made the day before. Did I write things clearly in the notes? Is that person I discharged still alive? When I pushed back on the nurses was it fair? Did I do the best thing by each of my patients? Were my management plans the best they could be?

I can be abrupt under pressure and sometimes I think people read me the wrong way, but I actively work at being better at it. Every single shift. Some of you might remember when I was with The Actor, I’d keep a note on my phone reminding me that if the call didn’t go well, he wouldn’t call back. It would make me pause before answering. I don’t have a note anymore, but I do force myself to take a breath - we’re are all stressed and under pressure, we are all doing the best we can. Then, if the request isn’t ridiculous, at some point in the conversation I try to make the other person laugh. It helps both of us.

Having a work laptop at home makes it easier too. I know I shouldn’t (I should take the day to just not be at work in any capacity, I know) but I log in to answer all those questions for myself. After some sleep, would I have done anything differently? I still have a healthy enough amount of self-doubt that I don’t make rash or snap decisions at work and so checking in the next day I rarely change my mind, but it’s good to see it all through the light of a new day.