a little piece of heaven

sorry im not giving into the cutting out sweet treats propaganda. life is hard enough

whatever.

i dont caaaaaare

google search how to make someone explode

*walks out of the homoerotic friendship covered in blood and wounds* you should see the other guy

*regular guy walks out, completely unaware anything is happening*

ill be unstoppable once I finally heal this gaping wound

it's important to me that ilya remains captain of the centaurs after shane joins, but i have a specific picture in my mind of shane being assistant captain and being generally harmless and super chill , so the centaurs see him as like the chill parent (something to be said about shane being content in letting someone else, specifically His Someone, have the reins and enjoying not being in charge) but then ilya has to be out for a few weeks for like health or smth so shane goes into Captain Mode and the centaurs are scared shitless by how intense he gets all of a sudden. the most intense drills of all time. the hardest plays they've ever heard of. the strictest practices on earth. and they suddenly understand why shane led the metros/voyagers to victory so many times and why ilya treats him like the boss in their relationship. and then as soon as ilya comes back he turns it off and the centaurs are like Oh Thank Fuck Because What The Hell Was That

shane and ilya may not change their names legally after they marry but i know ilya makes all their dinner and vacation reservations under hollander. i know he's ilya hollander in his heart of hearts. to him they are The Hollander Household. they send christmas cards with 'love, the hollanders'. it's real to me

The way that Ilya goes monogamous for the first time in his entire life and immediately starts dropping I Love You's and pet names and Gimme Kiss. Meanwhile monogamy and a gay awakening have combined in Shane's brain to chemically trigger a Sexual Chernobyl wherein Shane Hollander is now the world's thirstiest slut for one ☝🏻 man. Ilya is thinking about exactly how he's going to propose and Shane is integrating Same Penis Forever into his believe system, his diet and his exercise regime.

Shane Hollander, ten minutes after winning a Stanley Cup, actively being celebrated by his team, soaked in champagne and hornier than he’s ever been in his entire life: I need to text him. I need to text my no strings attached fuckbuddy arch-rival. This reveals nothing deeper about myself. This is just the best moment of my life and I would like to share it with the man whose dick I suck four times a year and who I have no feelings for whatsoever. The only thing that could make this night better is Ilya Rozanov inside me on the day I won a Stanley Cup (Who said that?) but I’m NORMAL and actually I HATE HIM and it means nothing that the only thing I want to do after winning the Stanley Cup is touch Ilya Rozanov’s dick (Who SAID that?) But he’s in FUCKASS BOSTON so instead of celebrating with my team or meeting a hookup to go home with because I just WON A STANLEY CUP I am going to text Ilya. Do you think he’ll sext me (WHO SAID THAT??) I deserve it. I won a Stanley Cup.

personal head canon: after winning said stanley cup and after the texts we see, shane receives another text, from you guessed it - ilya fucking rozanov - what does ilya say you ask - what is the code to get into your apartment - mister ilya motherfucking rozanov planned ahead, bought a plane ticket, flew to MONTREAL, because he KNEW shane and the metros would win. how did he know you ask - HE ONLY HAS THE BIGGEST HOCKEY PSYCHIC, SVETLANA VETROVA, TO GIVE HIM THE INSIDER SCOOP. then when shane does not immediately respond, he receives another text from ilya - what time will you be home? shane being shane, he decides to go back home instead of going out with his team, telling them "i have plans boys" and IMMEDIATELY they all believe he is going to get laid so are HAPPY to let him go enjoy himself, fully not knowing that shane is going to get dicked into next week by his alleged rival ilya MOTHERFUCKING rozanov. shane texts ilya back the code and says simply "shortly" trying to feign being cool calm and collected that ILYA IS WAITING AT HIS APARTMENT. shane rushes to get out of the locker room, which only eggs on his teammates to tease that their captain is getting LAID after winning the STANLEY CUP. finally he. gets back to his apartment and there is his supposed rival ilya fucking rozanov on his couch. and then shane gets dicked into next year on every surface of his apartment.

they need to invent a staying up late that doesn't make you get less sleep