instant beddi

I was visiting a new Utopian experimental environment called Rainbow City. Each building was one solid color in a ROYGBIV order. Each citizen was assigned a color, so if you were a red then you had red clothes, red homes, red belongings. The color selection was arbitrary and carried no meaning or designation of race, class or profession. I remember thinking how pissed I’d be if I got a bad color (I look terrible in yellow), but everyone participating appeared to be in good spirits about their color assignment. I didn’t have a color, though, I was just a visitor.

I wandered through the city center, pausing for a moment at various booths and food trucks. I stopped at one and signed up to play some sort of gambling game, I can’t remember what the objective was but it involved ping pong balls. I stood in line behind Chelsea and was informed by a Purple Person that I was not eligible to play because I was underage. Outraged by the idea that I could be mistaken for someone under 18, I screamed and stormed off, accidentally knocking into an Orange Person. The Orange Person was a Rainbow City engineer, and after calming me down he offered to take me on a secret tour of the city’s development and inner workings.

I was a bird exploring a tropical island. The sea was gorgeously blue and the trees lush and green. It reminded me a lot of Hawaii. There was a rope ladder connected to the edge of a cliff where other tropical birds liked to sit and do bird things. The cliff was the size of a skyscraper — tall, jagged, and very treacherous for a small bird like me. I began climbing the ladder, no clue why I wasn’t flying, meeting different groups of birds along my way to the top. They pecked at me and tried to make me lose my balance. Total bird jerks. Each plank of the ladder was covered in bird shit. It was like all the mean birds from Disney movies were hanging out in this one spot, hating on me and my beautiful red feathers.

I was part of a large group selected for a team building exercise being held in a giant hot air balloon. I guess it was less of a balloon and more like a blimp, and probably on loan from the X-Men or something because it reminded me of Cerebro. It wasn’t a warm and fuzzy trust fall event, very cold and serious. The attendees were all world leaders, or at least powerful people in some way.

We each had a seat around the room, when suddenly this Asian woman (is her race important?) went psycho and slashed a hole in the wall of the balloon. She jumped out. We all screamed and held on for our lives as the pressure change sucked people out of our aircraft. I somehow managed to make a platform parachute device that slowed down my fall enough for me to land in the water without breaking all the bones in my body. I swam away from the wreckage until eventually I hitched a ride to land on the back of an alligator.

I’m walking down Canal Street headed to an interview when a man trots along beside me and says:

“Hey, listen, I’m not trying to sell you a purse or nothing. I just hope you have a wonderful day! You’re beautiful!”

Thank you, knock-off designer purse salesman!

I had a dream I was in a beach house when suddenly, PIRATES. Think "Steve Zissou goes into unprotected water and the intern gets shot" situation. Needless to say, I was terrified.

Luckily, the pirate leader took a shining to me, and while I was packing my go bag, I convinced him I was definitely not trying to escape and was merely trying to go on a beer run. He believed me. I hopped on motorcycle/jet ski and drove into the water.

Ameenay convinced me to post a missed connection for my Subway Boyfriend last night.

"Resting bitch face" girl looking for small talker on the 7 - would love to chat again, this time not among a bunch of New Yorkers avoiding eye contact.

Craigslist people make me laugh. Responses include:

1: "Not who I was looking for but I have a thing for "bitch faces."  I'm a normal 26 yr old guy, work in finance, live in Murray hill. Can I see this bitch face?" 

Well, that's one way to work out your kinks.

2: "I didn't consider you bitch face just cautious if you are the beautiful black ebony goddess I try to meet. We exchanged more then a few looks when you got on the 16 bus. When we got off at main st I wanted to say something but u were out the door n gone. Didn't think you were interested but when I walked to front of the train n u got on after me I was sure u were interested so I gathered my nerves n went to talk. We exchanged a few words and you asked me about my nationality but you shut me down when I asked for your number. I was a little confused cause of all the looks we exchanged but I understood. I was disappointed but excused myself n respected your wishes. If you are that girl n wish to meet I would welcome opportunity to get to know you. Here is my picture hope your the one if not I gave it a shot and hope you find that person."

Aww... I really wish I could help him find his ebony goddess.

3: "Hahah....they all DO avoid eye contact. It's amusing....what are they afraid of ? Open up people, life is fun !" 

Thanks for the commentary, bro.

4: "Hi Babe, I just saw your posting, still interested in chat again? Let me know - A"

My Subway Boyfriend would never call me babe. Also, grammar.

Remember that time I used to post all the time about moving to New York? Well, it happened. I’m here. I stepped in my first pile of dog poop in Manhattan yesterday. The welcome wagon has arrived.

Here’s a summary of my week so far:

Tuesday: Arrived. Was asked out by a large black man in the taxi stand line at LaGuardia. He informed me that once I go black, I need a wheelchair. I declined his generous offer. Later - tacos & happy hour with my gal pals.

Wednesday: Lunch in Upper West Side with Chelsea and a cute baby. Wandered for hours through Central Park and back into UWS. Later - drinks in Astoria where we all got in a heated argument over how to respectfully approach women and how traditional dating methods are dead.

Thursday: “Worked” until 5 pm, then went on a date. Stepped in dog poop en route to meet a guy who liked cats & pizza just as much as I do. Ate delicious vegetarian dumplings at Vanessa’s, then roamed around Chelsea and the High Line. On the way home, a man asked me why my face was so serious. I told him it was just my resting bitch face and that I was lost in thought while reading the subway ads. We discussed how funny it is that New Yorkers try to hard to avoid eye contact and conversation while commuting.