DREAMER

It was toxic. Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other but it was a constant back and forth from bliss to pain and pain to bliss. We couldn’t be the people who we wanted to be. We were too tied up to each other. It didn’t help that we also had to hide from everyone. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. It was suffocating. Our love was real but maybe, it was just not the right time. We needed to love ourselves first. Maybe, one day, we will meet again and never let each other go.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

It’s so hard to see who really cares for you—when you didn’t even know how it feels—because you’re always been the one caring for other people.

Book of the day: The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman

Take care of the people you love, but take even better care of the people that love you.

“What could I say? Despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies.”

So, wherever you are, I hope you’re happy, I really do. I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight. I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking. I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life. I hope there’s a kite in your hand that’s flying all the way up to Orion and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out. I hope you’re smiling like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth. Cause I might be naked and lonely, shaking branches for bones, but I’m still time zones away from who I was the day before we met. You were the first mile where my heart broke a sweat. And I wish you were here. I wish you’d never left.

Loving me will not be easy. Some days I will be a stuttering apology and you won’t know how to handle all the things I’ve done wrong.

I love you, maybe not in a romantic way, but in the way that I want you to know that you are loved, that someone cares for you, that someone’s concerned of you. I love you in the way that I feel your happiness, and your distress, just by looking in your eyes. I love you in the way that I want to help you out, but I don’t have the courage to. I love you in the way that I want you to know that someone sees you, that someone knows you, that you exist in somebody’s world. I love you in the way that I want you to be happy always, and I don’t want you to get hurt anymore. I love you. Always remember that.

She was too quiet, or she was too loud. She took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. She hated with every fiber of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. There was no in-between for her. It was either all or nothing. She wanted everything but settled for nothing.

We are so used to releasing words, we don’t know what to do with them if they stay. No matter how many times we let them go, they come back. The words that matter always stay.