Idk What Im Doing

Part Three: James

Exile

James just needed some air. Crowds made him feel claustrophobic and he had managed longer than he thought he would in the throngs of dancing bodies. He finally got a chance to steal a moment away as Betty danced with her friends. Unwilling to interrupt her fun to tell her he was taking a break, he just pushed through the crowd into the sanctuary of the slightly less crowded hallway. He stepped out into the cool night air and felt the refreshing breeze against his face as he took a few deep breaths. He didn’t want to linger too long and miss anything, so he took only a few moments to breathe in solitude before returning to the party.

As he made his way back towards the gymnasium, he heard the low pulse of Betty’s favorite song, which happened to also be their song. His heart lurched and he hastened his pace, hoping to get to her before the song was over. But when he reached the doorway and searched the crowd, he saw Betty dancing with a senior he knew from his gym class, a natural idiot and general douchebag. But Betty had her head thrown back in laughter and the two swayed to a song that didn’t belong to them and his blood began to boil. Just go dance with her, dude, he sternly told himself. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. He was still deciding if he wanted to interrupt Betty’s dance with this guy with a fist or not when he caught Betty’s eye and saw guilt cross her face. That just made him more angry–so, she knew he’d be upset if he came back and saw her dancing with someone else but she did it anyway. She made his decision for him. He stared at her angrily for a split second longer before turning and storming away.

He was heading home, walking over a patch of broken cobblestone sidewalk, when Augustine pulled up, a figment of his worst intentions. She rolled her window down and Jame’s gaze traveled from the fabric draped across her chest to the exposed skin of her thigh. No, James. Stop it. She’s Betty’s best friend. He knew that this was not the time to get in the car with his girlfriend’s best friend who wore a dress that was begging to be taken off.

But when Augustine told him to get in, he didn’t say no.

Two Months LaterJames watched Betty from his window as she broke down in the confines of her car walls. He could see the car shaking from her violent smacks against the steering wheel and even thought he heard her screaming curses at him, the pain in her voice carried into his room by the late summer wind. He continued watching as she composed herself and did something on her phone before driving away. He stood there for a moment, trying to process what just happened. How did it all go so wrong? He asked himself, knowing the answer. Because you’re a selfish screw-up, James. The look on Betty’s face when the truth came out was burned permanently into his memory and the fact that he was the reason she felt such intense pain made him hate himself. 

But it didn’t stop him from pulling out his own phone and telling Augustine. It didn’t stop him from meeting up with her later that evening, either, and holding her in his arms as she wept over what they had done. But every moment he spent with Augustine following his breakup was filled with thoughts of Betty. When she lay in his arms on humid nights, he imagined Betty. When they walked on the beach, he imagined he was walking with Betty. For the rest of the summer, Augustine was Betty. Replace one with the other, he thought to himself after a particularly passionate rendezvous. Maybe just accepting that he was the worst kind of person would make it easier to deal with the consequences of his actions, though he knew that wasn’t true. Yet, he found himself returning to Augustine again and again until, finally, it became too much and he could no longer pretend that he was happy with the result of his actions. He didn’t want Augustine. He wanted Betty.

James had known that getting in the car with Augustine would end up being one of the worst decisions he ever made, but he did it anyway. Maybe it was the irrational anger that had gripped him when he saw Betty dancing to their song with some guy he knew was an asshole, laughing at a joke that couldn’t possibly be funny. Or maybe it was the way Augustine’s dress had clung to her body like water on a vine, or the way their gaze had met that night and something unspoken was decided between them. Whatever the reason was, he hated it now. He hated how he blindly acted without thinking. He hated how he did it over and over, knowing it was wrong. He hated lying. He hated knowing the truth even more. The truth was simple: he was a bad person who screwed up everything with the love of his life.

James had watched with shame and guilt that burned like acid in his stomach as Augustine left after breaking her heart. Hers was the second heart he had broken this summer, but the only one he truly cared about mending was Betty’s. His mind was racing with regrets and what ifs and when he finally couldn’t take the angry buzzing of his thoughts anymore, he stood and brushed the sand of his pants, grabbing his skateboard and gliding away from the hustle of the tourist shrouded beach.

He was lost in the music blasting through his headphones, mindlessly skating through town into a sleepy neighborhood as the sun sank lower into the sky, when he finally became aware of his surroundings. He slowed to a stop and felt like his heart did, too. He was staring at Betty’s house and felt like he couldn’t breathe. Every single fiber of his being screamed at him to ring the bell and beg for forgiveness. He knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t the right time and truth be told, he was a coward. He wasn’t ready to face her wrath, to see the heartbreak he caused in her face. He looked up at her window, wondering what she was doing. Her car was in the driveway, but that didn’t necessarily mean that she was home. He found himself taking the smallest of steps towards her porch before stopping, reminding himself that this wasn’t something he was ready to do yet. 

He decided then that he needed to make a grand gesture, something that put him and his heart at risk. Every year, Betty threw a party to celebrate the start of the school year and her birthday. With it being senior year and her 18th birthday, he knew this party was particularly special. He stepped back onto his skateboard, thoughts racing. He was coming up with a plan. 

What if I just showed up at her party?

This is insane, James thought as he finished dressing and checked his reflection. Betty’s parties were always tasteful, so attendees were generally well-dressed. James had decided to change things up this year and regarded himself in the mirror as he assessed his choice of clothing. He went with what he knew looked best–black. Generally, he would wear a polo of some kind, but for this special occasion he went with a black button down and black dress pants. He had managed to tame his hair, which swept into neat waves behind his ears. He spritzed himself quickly with his cologne, the one he knew Betty loved best. 

You’re absolutely insane. He took a deep breath, giving his reflection a last encouraging look before grabbing his keys. All right, then. Let’s do this.

The Party

His heart was racing as he parked at the end of the long driveway. James had rehearsed his speech over and over on the drive to Betty’s but still found his hands shaking and felt a burning deep in his stomach. He had every reason to believe she would refuse to talk to him. They had unbelievably been assigned to the same homeroom on the first day of school and on the second day, Betty wasn’t there. He had found out a few days later that she had switched to a different homeroom. He hadn’t wanted to make assumptions, but his stomach had knotted uncomfortably anyway. You got this, dude, he thought with forced confidence. He inhaled sharply and let his breath out slowly before getting out of the car.

While he walked down the street, he gave himself a pep talk. She’s going to hear you out. She’s going to see the effort you made to make things right. He had the chance to patch her broken wings and he wasn’t going to screw it up.

It appeared that most of the guests had arrived already as James approached the house. He heard the soft pulse of music and laughter floating through the mid-September air and the fragrant scent of chrysanthemums wafted from the garden. Shadows of Betty’s friends and classmates drifted in front of the windows and James nervously wiped his hands on his pants and stepped up to the porch.  He took a deep breath and knocked. 

Betty answered the door, flushed with laughter and stopped short when she saw James. She wore a blue sundress and was barefoot, her loose braid draped over her shoulder. Her sun-kissed skin glowed under the porch lights and summer freckles danced across her nose and cheeks.  She looked incredible and James longed to sweep her into his arms and kiss her in front of all her stupid friends. But Betty did not look like she felt the same. Her face flashed with a dozen emotions, but mainly anger and shock.

“Before you say anything,” James said quickly, defensively putting his hands up. A few of her friends had followed her when he knocked and were curiously staring at them. He swallowed hard and continued. “This is me trying. Please, hear me out.”

She waved their remaining onlookers away and crossed her arms over her chest, turning back to him and regarding him blankly. 

“Do you think we could…” He was aware of a bead of nervous sweat dripping down the side of his face. “Could we please go somewhere a little more…private?” Betty didn’t say anything, only staring at him stoically. After a few moments, she closed the door behind her and led him to the garden behind the house. This is promising, he thought hopefully as he followed her to the backyard. She stopped in front of the huge hibiscus and faced him, once again crossing her arms passively over her chest. 

“I knew you’d come crawling back to me once you got bored with her. What do you want?” She stared at him expectantly, one eyebrow raised.

James took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about this day and how you’d react to seeing me here. I’ve planned this for weeks now–I even had a whole speech prepared. But now that I see you, I forget it.” He paused, then laughed nervously. Betty didn’t react, just continued to stare at him with growing annoyance. James ran his hands through his hair and stared up at the sky, waiting for answers. When none came, he looked back at Betty. “Betty, it was just a summer thing.”

Betty’s eyes narrowed and her face flushed with anger. “A summer thing?!” 

“Okay, that came out wrong,” James said quickly. His heart was pounding as he scrambled to find the right words. “What I’m saying is that when I was with her, I only thought of you. You occupied every thought, every dream. What we did–what I did— to you was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’d say I’m only seventeen and I don’t know a damn thing, but I know that’s just an excuse.” He paused. “The thing is…I don’t know anything. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know why I got in the car with Augustine. I don’t know anything.” A hard lump had formed in his throat and he blinked back tears. “What I do know is that I miss you, and I would do anything to make it up to you.” Tears welled in Betty’s eyes and one fell and trickled down her cheek. He stepped closer, hoping for the opportunity to take her in his arms. “Please, Betty. Please give me a chance.”

Tears were falling silently down Betty’s face now. Knots twisted and turned in James’s stomach as he waited for her to respond. She took a steadying breath and wiped her eyes. Her voice was thick with emotion. “Oh, James,” she said with a soft sigh, staring deeply into his eyes. His heart leapt. This is it. He took another step closer. She put a hand on his chest to stop him.

Part Two: Augustine

Guilt

It was only supposed to be one time. That’s what Augustine told herself when the guilt began to eat her alive. Betty was her oldest, dearest friend. If she were to find out, years of friendship would go down the drain and she’d lose both of them. The very thought of it created a pit in her stomach. 

She knew she was wrong. She knew she was a terrible friend. But he was a drug. She couldn’t get enough of him. His touch was electric, his kisses frantic and desperate. She was never much of a believer in silly things like love, but after months of spending time with James through Betty, she realized why Betty was so crazy for him. She realized it when she started to feel gentle stirs of excitement whenever he entered the room and a soft sadness whenever he left. But James wasn’t hers to love, and so she pushed her growing feelings aside and refused to see him as anything other than a friend. She treated him as casually as she did all the other guys desperate for her attention.

That is, until prom night.

She wasn’t even going to go. That’s what she’d been telling Betty for weeks. She didn’t have a date despite multiple requests and didn’t want to be a third wheel. She held a general dislike for the majority of her classmates, dancing wasn’t really her style, and she hated dressing up. Yet, one day she found herself in a local boutique searching for vintage sweatshirts when bright red, satin fabric caught her eye. Curiosity got the best of her, so she pulled the dress off the rack and regarded it with mild interest. It certainly makes a statement, she thought. She figured she’d try it on just for the hell of it and when she turned to face her reflection she was pleasantly surprised to find that it fit as if it were made for her. The draped front delicately accentuated her bosom and the tight fabric with a slit up the thigh clung seductively to her curves. She looked like a stranger to herself. In that moment, she found herself dreaming up an image of James seeing her in this dress and what his reaction would be. He’s Betty’s boyfriend, she told herself sternly. Nevertheless, she left the boutique with a prettily wrapped bag containing red satin.

Augustine arrived before Betty and James, so she lingered at the drink table. She looked around the gym, which had been completely transformed into something like a garden, with a terrace of sorts acting as the dance floor. The walls were draped with dark fabric and a projector beamed stars around the room.

“Augustine!” She turned and her heart jumped softly when she saw Betty and James. Betty looked like she was in a fairytale, a pastel purple dress of layered chiffon that flowed gently from a boned bodice to the ground like a cloud. Her wild curls were tamed into place with shimmering pins of flowers. James was a heartthrob in his tux, his wavy hair also tamed neatly with gel. Augustine locked eyes with him for just a moment, not ignorant to the fact that he was staring at her in a way she had never seen before. Something flipped in her stomach and she approached them with a smile. Play it cool, she told herself.

“Girl, you look incredible,” Betty was saying, but Augustine barely heard her. James was still watching her. “No wonder you kept it a secret from me!” Well, I wasn’t even going to come until I saw this dress and thought your boyfriend would love it, she thought guiltily. “Come on,” Betty said eagerly, pulling Augustine towards the dancing crowd. “Let’s go dance!” And she was swept away with James trailing behind them. Augustine quickly glanced over her shoulder and met his eyes. She felt a flush of pleasure as he gazed at her approvingly before matching their pace and taking Betty’s hand to twirl her onto the dance floor. 

They’d been dancing for a while when Augustine noticed James making his way out of the crowd and across the gym to the hallway. She was about to follow him when the music changed and Betty excitedly shrieked “Oh, my God, James! It’s our song.” Betty turned towards Augustine. “Where’s James?” Augustine shrugged. 

“I’m gonna go take a break; my feet are killing me.” Augustine pulled her shoes off her feet and left the dance floor, pausing for a generous cup of water before making her way out to the hall. She didn’t know why she didn’t tell Betty she saw James leave. He probably just needed a break and was outside enjoying the cool evening breeze. She shouldered past a couple deeply entwined against the wall and headed out into the spring night. She looked, but didn’t see James. Hm. Weird.

Her phone buzzed. Tell Betty to enjoy the rest of the night with her new date. Augustine had no idea what he was talking about. She headed back inside and it made sense once she returned to the gym and saw Betty dancing and laughing with someone that wasn’t James. 

Come on, you know Betty isn’t like that. Did you leave?

Yes. I hate the crowds anyway.

Does she know you left?

Silence. Augustine put her phone back in her clutch and returned to the gym, where she found Betty now dancing with a group of girls from her drama class. 

“Hey, I think I’m going to head out,” Augustine shouted over the music. “I’ve seen enough!”

Betty laughed, knowing how much Augustine hated social events. “You were a real trooper!” she said breathlessly, still dancing. “See you tomorrow!” Augustine waved goodbye and left for the parking lot. Again, she didn’t know why she didn’t tell Betty James left. It would have been the right thing to do. But something in her wanted James to herself, to prove that she didn’t imagine his longing stare.

She was only a couple of blocks away from the school when she saw James walking home on the cobblestone sidewalk. His head was down, hands in his pockets. She pulled up next to him. His head jerked up in alarm and he sighed with relief when he saw it was her. She rolled the window down and called out to him.

“James, get in. Let’s drive.”

For a couple of years now, Augustine and Betty alternated hosting game night with their friends. Tonight was Augustine’s turn and her living room was loud with raucous laughter and crude jokes. The night outside was thick with humidity and rain battered the wide windows, the occasional flash of lighting making the lights flicker. Thunder crashed and her phone buzzed. A quick look told her it was James and she quickly looked around to ensure no one was paying attention to her. They were all so deeply engrossed in a game of charades that no one was even paying attention to her. 

What are you doing right now?

Game night. You?

Thinking about you. Her heart lurched. They’d had several drives together now and a secret agreement to keep it between themselves. Meet me behind the mall.

She looked around her and saw her friends all still engrossed in the game. No one even noticed when she quietly stood and left the room, eyes down. She snuck out the sliding door, pulling her hood over her head against the storm. I should stop, Augustine thought, but still found herself pulling out of the driveway with her headlights off to make sure no one saw her leave. This is a bad idea. She pulled into the mall parking lot. His car was parked away from the lights, behind a furniture store. You can always stop.

But she didn’t want to.

“Are you sure?” he whispered. Augustine gripped him tightly. She had never done this before, but she ached for him. In this moment, Betty and game night were far from her mind. The secrets and lies dissolved from her mind as James traced his lips across her collarbone. There was nothing else. Just his body against hers in a way that felt like two puzzle pieces about to fit perfectly together.

“I’m sure.”

Afterwards, Augustine returned to her friends, flushed and damp from the downpour.

“Where have you been?” Betty asked.”We thought you were in the bathroom!” Augustine felt a horrible feeling in her stomach then and tried to ignore it.

“Oh, just for a run.”

A Godforsaken Mess

She knows.

It was a simple, two-worded text from James that knocked the wind out of her. She knew it was bound to happen, but there was always a part of her that thought they were invincible and could go on with their illicit affair without hurting Betty. It was a dream of course, far removed from reality until that text lit up her phone. 

How?

Ines. Damn Ines. She could never just keep her mouth shut. Augustine collapsed onto her bed and closed her eyes, knowing that she and James had just broken Betty. But there was a quiet, secret part of her that was relieved, because it meant that James was hers. I won. She hated herself for thinking it. But deceiving her best friend had been exhausting. When she was with James, Betty didn’t exist–but when she was alone she felt like the guilt would consume her. It was the worst when she was actually with Betty, the one who knew her best. She lived in fear that her secret would be revealed by a slip of the tongue or some other careless indication. She and James thought they were being discreet. She’d return from a passionate rendezvous flushed, always prepared with an excuse. They were careful to keep conversation light and platonic with Betty around, keeping their eyes away from each other so Betty wouldn’t see their stolen stares. Maybe they tried a little too hard to be discreet…

And in that moment, Augustine realized that Betty had to have suspected something for at least a little while. When Betty had noticed James’s sweatshirt on her bed, Augustine thought she had passed it off well enough–it was the truth that she had run into James and was cold. But what Betty didn’t know was that Augustine didn’t exactly run into James–he had asked her to meet him after work to take a walk on the beach. Guilt had crept up her throat, knowing that these walks belonged to James and Betty. But the next thing she knew, Augustine was staring at the rusted door of his house. She knew this had to mean something, to meet together somewhere other than the back of a car parked behind the furniture store in an empty mall parking lot. She had coolly walked through the door with him, fighting the urge to hold his hand. It’s not like that, she had told herself. It’s just a fling.

Augustine recalled all of the times she canceled plans with Betty when James called her for another clandestine meeting. She always had an excuse–a “thing” she had to do with her parents, going for a run, college essays. Yes, she definitely had to have suspected. Betty must have given so many signs that she knew, but Augustine had been oblivious to every single one. Once her phone buzzed with that text from James, though, she felt like a fool. Of course she would’ve found out, she scolded herself, knots in her stomach. She’s my best friend.

Right on cue, Augustine received the dreaded text from Betty. But when she opened the message, it was one of few words.

You can have him, but never speak to me again.

August

They slept in each other’s arms for the last month of summer, free at last. It seemed like James realized there was no turning back. He chose me. Betty kicked Augustine out of her life and it broke her heart, but James was there shortly after Betty texted her, picking up the pieces and holding them together until she was strong enough to carry the weight of what she had done. She knew it weighed on James, too, but his lips and hands were so hot and desperate over her body that she knew without a doubt that he didn’t regret it. She lost her best friend in exchange for James, and maybe it made her a terrible person, but that was enough for her.

Between James’s work at Schmoe’s  and Augustine’s SAT prep, they didn’t have much time together. But on James’s days off,  they would meet down at the beach. Augustine would watch him as he lay with his back beneath the sun, wishing she could write her name on it. She would ever so softly run her fingers across his back, tracing loops and lines that spelled out a secret Augustine. 

They were watching the sun set over the water when Augustine realized she loved James. She didn’t know when it actually happened, but she became aware of it when she was driving home from his house and found herself conjuring images of marriage, children, and an entire life together. She could see it all so clearly and she reveled in it. She wondered if James could tell she had fallen for him and she wondered if he had fallen for her, too. They didn’t speak of love to one another, but the way he looked at her told her he had to feel the same way for her. They would lay twisted in bedsheets, slick with the sweat of passionate exertion, and he would stroke her hair and softly hum to himself. Yes, there was no doubt. He loved her.

“I don’t think we can do this anymore,” James was saying, but Augustine didn’t hear him. Everything seemed muted and far away. “Augustine?” She looked up from staring at her hands and met his gaze. “Did you hear me?”

“I don’t understand,” she said stupidly. “What are you saying?”

James sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m saying that this has to stop. I can’t keep doing this.” He paused, looking away. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” he said quietly.

Augustine’s heart seemed to stop. Betty. “I have to make things right, Augustine,” James continued, unaware of the shattering glass of her breaking heart. She felt delusional for believing he had an unspoken love for her. 

“So, what? This was all for nothing?” “Augustine. Baby–”

“Do not call me baby,” she growled through gritted teeth, seething anger burning hot across her skin. “Please try to understand, Augustine.”

“Understand what? That you used me? That I was just a replacement? What am I supposed to do now? I ruined everything for you!” And I’d do it again, a million times.

“I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you.” 

“But you don’t love me.” 

James paused. “I care for you very much,” he repeated softly. “But no, I don’t love you that way.”

Augustine felt the world slide away from under her feet as his words pierced her heart. Of course he doesn’t love you. He wants Betty. It’s always been Betty. Of course, part of her knew he didn’t feel the same for her as she did for him, but hearing it out loud tore her apart. She risked and lost everything for him and he just tolerated her love for him.

James took a step forward, taking her hands in his. “You mean so much to me, Augustine. That will never change. But you have to understand. I screwed up and I need to fix it. I love her more than anything.”

His words made Augustine want to throw up, knowing she was just Betty’s understudy. James pulled her into an embrace. “I’m sorry, Augustine. We had a lot of fun, didn’t we?”

Augustine jerked away, glaring at him. So that’s all it was. “We sure did.” He looked curiously back at her, waiting for her to say more. “You go make things right with Betty.” Her face was burning hot, angry tears welling in her eyes. “She deserves happiness and so do you.” And with that, she pecked him on the cheek and left him on the beach to listen to the waves alone. 

Part one: Betty

The Beginning

She never thought there was anything wrong with being a hopeless romantic. It’s what she grew up knowing, watching her parents dance in a refrigerator-lit room at midnight when they thought they were alone. Through their love, she saw the world through soft light and believed three fundamental things: people are innately good, everyone is worthy of love, and the right love will be built on mutual respect and understanding. She knew love was out there for her, just waiting in the shadows.

So when Betty officially met James in the fall of her junior year, something in her stirred and she thought, this could be it. He could be the one. The connection seemed instant and natural, leaving her thinking that they could someday mirror the love her parents had. And every love story has a beginning.

“Hey,'' came a soft, deep voice from behind her as she gathered her books from her locker. Startled, she whipped her head around, wild blonde curls flying around her shoulders. There he was. James. She felt her heart tremble and the butterflies in her stomach fluttered so strongly she thought they would fly up her throat and out of her mouth. “You’re Betty, right?” 

“Obviously,” she replied, internally cringing. Don’t screw this up, she urged herself. “I mean yeah, I’m Betty. Don’t you know this?” She chuckled nervously and tucked a flyaway strand of hair behind her ear., glancing up at him from beneath her long eyelashes. He towered over her, his dark hair unkempt as if he had just rolled out of bed. To her absolute horror, she was suddenly flooded with visions of them together in his bed, making the blood rush to her cheeks. Being so close to him allowed her imagination to run wild and she quickly pretended to be very interested in her shoes. 

“Well, yeah. We’re in chemistry together.” I know that, she thought, hoping that he wasn’t just an idiot. She’d been fawning over him for years, despite never really speaking to him. He was the quiet but funny type with strong opinions. They’d shared history class together last year; whenever it came time for him to present a project, he did so with a passion that made it clear he was genuinely interested in the topic. He was well-liked amongst most teachers and was just popular enough that he was known around school by most students for his soft-spoken humor. She’d gushed and gushed to her best friend until Augustine had finally told her to stop and actually do something about it. I didn’t have to, did I? Betty thought smugly.

“Yeah, we do have chemistry together,” she said rather stupidly, still staring at her shoes. “We had history last year, too.”

“Well, I don’t mind having chemistry or history with you.” 

Wait, what? Was he…flirting? At this point, Betty finally lifted her head and looked up at him, blue eyes wide. His chocolate eyes stared intently back.

 “Listen, I know we’ve only kind of seen each other at parties and shared a couple of classes, but we don’t really know each other, do we?”

“I guess not.” Get to the point, she thought, worried about being late to class.

“I’d like to get to know you,” he said conspiratorially, leaning in close. “I’ve had my eyes on you for a while.” He paused and chuckled softly. “Wow, that sounded way creepier than it did in my head.”

“Yeah, it did,” Betty laughed. “But I guess now I can say the same.” Her heart was racing and she nervously rubbed her palms on the front of her jeans. “I’ve kind of been into you for a while, too.” She paused. “You make me laugh.” 

“Well, this is a great coincidence,” he stated as they finally started their walk to the chemistry classroom, making mindless but comfortable smalltalk. The hallways were buzzing with summer vacation gossip and new couples making out against lockers. They stopped just outside, ignoring a particularly entwined couple, and turned to face each other. “You know, it’s unseasonably warm today,” he said suddenly. Seriously, the weather?? 

“It is,” she said simply, wondering where this was going.

“An unseasonably warm September day makes for a perfect walk on the beach, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I suppose so..?” Is he about to…

“Okay, I’ve been working up to this for a while.” He looked nervous but quickly composed himself and smoothly continued, running his hand through his hair. “Why don’t we take a walk down to the beach after class?  The surf is still pretty intense with the storm yesterday and there’s something about the crashing waves…”

“That brings you peace?” Betty finished for him. James smiled.

“Exactly.” Her heart was thumping so loudly there was no way he couldn’t hear it. “We’ll go there after class and find our peace, yeah?”

Oh, my god. This isn’t happening. This is a dream and I’ll wake up any minute.

“Okay,” she said with a smile. 

“All right,” James grinned. “It’s a date.”

The Dance

“It’s gorgeous, James!” Betty exclaimed as James tied the corsage around her wrist as their parents wildly snapped picture after picture. It was a band of white lace decorated with peonies and lavender, Betty’s favorite flowers. The blues and purples matched perfectly with the pastel chiffon of her prom dress. The air was sweet with the scent of pollen and approaching summer, with only a lingering nip of the late spring wind. James beamed, evidently very pleased with himself.

“I knew you’d love it,” he said, and tilted her face towards him to gently press his lips against hers. He took her decorated wrist and bowed to kiss her hand. “Shall we?” 

They turned together and stepped through the doors of the school hand in hand, pausing for a quick, cheap portrait before entering the gymnasium. It had been transformed by tricks of lights and florals into a garden paradise. Music pulsed from speakers all around the room and the dance floor was already thick with classmates celebrating the end of a stressful school year. The last nine months had flown by in a flurry of college applications and essays and it was clear Betty wasn’t the only one relieved that it was over and welcomed the start of summer break. 

It wasn’t all so bad, though–she’d had James. It hadn’t been just nine months of bureaucratic college nonsense–it had been nine months of walks on the beach, regardless of the temperature. Snow on the beach was weird, but beautiful. They spent nights together when he made her his own and enjoyed plaid shirt days as autumn stripped the trees bare. It was nine months of kisses stolen in his car at a stoplight. Holidays with each other’s families. A winter wrapped in each other’s arms, the heat of their skin against each other keeping them warm through every snowstorm. Falling in love with James had been the greatest part of junior year and Betty had been looking forward to dancing with him for months.

“Oh look, there’s Augustine!” She was standing by the drink table looking like a completely different person. The backless red dress she wore clung to her body like a second layer of skin and the auburn hair she usually wore in a messy bun fell sleekly down her back, stopping just above her waist. Betty knew that Augustine was easily one of the most beautiful girls in their grade, and Augustine carried herself with an air of confidence that indicated she knew that, as well. She always drew attention from guys across every clique and nonchalantly brushed off every advance. That confidence surrounded her in a halo and the air around her seemed to shimmer as she made her way towards them.

“Girl, you look incredible!” Betty said, looking her best friend up and down with approval. She didn’t notice that James was also staring at Augustine. “No wonder you kept it a secret from me!” She grabbed Augustine’s hand. “Let’s go dance!”

The trio made their way towards the dance floor, and let themselves become swept up in the music and movement of dancing bodies. Betty was finishing a dance with Augustine when the music slowed and the soft introduction to her favorite song began.

“Oh, my god, James! It’s our song!” Betty turned excitedly towards James, only to find him gone. She turned towards Augustine. “Where’s James?” she asked. Augustine just shrugged and told Betty she was going to go take a break. 

“Wanna dance?” Someone she didn’t recognize had approached her while she was searching the room for James and was holding out his hand.

“Do I know you?” Betty asked, eyeing her suitor with a raised eyebrow.

“You will once you dance with me.” She rolled her eyes. This guy seemed annoying already.

“I’m here with my boyfriend, you know.”  I think I am, anyway.

Mystery Guy looked around. “I don’t see him.” He turned back to her.  “Besides, I’m sure he won’t mind. Once he sees my hot moves, he’ll be jealous he isn’t me.” He spun in a very Michael Jackson manner and Betty laughed then. Well, it is my favorite song, she reasoned with herself. Plus, he seems harmless.

“Okay, fine,” she said with a resigned smile. He put his arms around her and Betty scanned the room again, just in time to see James standing in the doorway looking like he was about to get his knuckles bloody. But he didn’t approach them and take her in his arms himself. Instead, he turned on his heel and stormed away.

Rumors

James had never returned when he left the gym on prom night. Betty received a text from him just before the end of the dance explaining that he was getting claustrophobic and had to go home. Ever since, things seemed different. She knew he was angry with her for dancing with someone else at prom, but they’d talked about it. She had apologized and explained that she just wanted to dance to her favorite song but James was gone. Things seemed fine for a while.

She wasn’t exactly sure when everything changed, but she didn’t feel like James was James. He spent most of his time working at Schmoe’s, a yogurt shop down on the beach, so they didn’t see each other as much. But it wasn’t just that. He seemed distracted whenever they were together, always checking his phone. She chalked it up to nerves, knowing he had recently sent out a bunch of college applications and was likely waiting for a response. They didn’t walk on the beach the way they used to but occasionally at night, they would wander down and watch the waves bring the moon’s reflection to the shore. James would check his phone and suddenly declare that he needed to head back home. He never gave a reason why; he’d just kiss her good night and she would walk home alone. Every time she asked him what was wrong, he’d just brush it off and after a while, she developed a sinking feeling that something wasn’t right between them.

Betty was writing out a college essay in Augustine’s room when she noticed a sweatshirt that she recognized crumpled on the bed. “Hey, isn’t this James’s?” She asked, holding up the sweatshirt. 

“Oh yeah,” Augustine said, quickly looking back down at her own essay. “I ran into him at Schmoe’s last night and it was freezing, so he lent me his sweatshirt so I wouldn’t be cold walking home.” 

“That was so nice of him,” Betty said dreamily, continuing her work. “Isn’t he the sweetest?”

“Yeah, he is,” Augustine replied quietly, focusing on the essay. Betty felt an uneasy suspicion creeping in as she took note of the  strange tone in Augustine’s voice, but quickly  brushed it off as ridiculous. There’s no way.

Betty and James were having one of their beach walks on a particularly humid night. Betty was deep in thought and James was silent, which wasn’t unusual for him these days. It had been a few days, but that sweatshirt on Augustine’s bed was still on Betty’s mind. She decided to broach it cautiously. 

“Hey, did Augustine ever give you your sweatshirt back?” Betty asked James casually. 

“Huh?” James responded, snapping out of whatever reverie was grasping his attention.

“Your sweatshirt. It was at Augustine’s; she said you guys ran into each other the other night and you gave it to her so she wouldn’t be cold.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, she gave it back.”

“Oh, good.” She paused, wondering if she should follow her train of thought. “When? I was just over her house and we’ve hung out, like, all week.”  Her attempts at sounding casual were weakened by the slight accusatory tone in her voice. If James noticed, he didn’t give any indication.

“Uh..she dropped it off at Schmoe’s earlier today.” He quickly changed the subject then, asking Betty about her college essays, effectively ending the conversation.

James’s unusual behavior continued until finally Betty found herself thinking, is there someone else? The thought came suddenly, catching her off guard. The signs were certainly there but could also easily be explained away. She tried to shrug the feeling off, but it remained in the back of her mind like a mosquito in her ear as she recalled once again the hoodie on Augustine’s bed and the heavy feeling of suspicion she had felt in her chest. Don’t be silly, she scolded herself. They would never do that to me.

But when she had asked James about it, his story didn’t quite add up. She spent the entire week with Augustine, and James was at work most of that time. She couldn’t figure out when Augustine would’ve given the sweatshirt back. She felt ridiculous stressing over an article of clothing but something just wasn’t sitting right with her.

She was stretched languidly on her beach towel, soaking in the burning late July sun, when her phone buzzed with a text from Ines. Betty shared a few classes with her and had shared many for the last three years. She didn’t necessarily consider Ines a friend but she had her number, and discussions were mostly about assignments and the occasional small talk. That’s why she was surprised when she opened the message.

I think there’s something you should know.

She knew Ines was a gossip, but Betty’s heart did a little flip anyway.

A second text came through a moment later. It’s about James.

“You can’t believe a word Ines says!” James exclaimed, pulling at his hair in frustration. Betty stared coldly at him, arms crossed over her chest. They were standing in James’s bedroom with Betty still as a stone and James frantically pacing.

“Most times.”

“Jesus, Betty! You seriously think I left prom, got in the car with your best friend, and have been sleeping with her ever since? Because Ines told you??”

“Well, she saw you get in the car with Augustine when you allegedly went home because you were ‘claustrophobic.’” Betty’s voice was thick with sarcasm at “claustrophobic.” James blanched. “She also saw you at the beach with her last week and she said it didn’t look like ‘just friends.’”

“Oh please,” James said, rolling his eyes. “Ines would say anything to stir the pot. Yes, I was at the beach with Augustine, but it was because we ran into each other after I was done with work. We hung out a bit and I gave her my hoodie so she wouldn’t be cold.” That did match up with what Augustine told her. Maybe she was overreacting…

 “Besides,” James continued in an accusing tone. “You’re one to talk about looking like more than ‘just friends’.”

Betty sighed in exasperation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, James.”

“I’m talking about prom night! I leave for a second and come back to see you dancing with some random guy!” He was beginning to raise his voice and Betty felt rage start to bubble in her chest.

“For God’s sake, James!” she yelled. “I thought we already talked about it–you can’t seriously be throwing that in my face again. That was two freaking months ago! It was just a dance! ”

“To our song!” She could see James getting angrier and angrier, which only fed the flames of her own fury. 

“James, it was just a dance!” She repeated in frustration. “You were gone.”

“I just had to get some air! I hate crowds, you know that!”

“Well, in any case, I had the opportunity to dance. I already apologized for that. But your response seemed to be getting in the car and the bed of my best friend.” She stared directly at him, her face stoic despite the rage in her chest as she watched a variety of emotions cross his face. He quickly pulled himself together, taking a deep, steadying breath.

“Betty,” he said slowly. “You’re being crazy.”

Oh, no he didn’t. If she wasn’t crazy before, she certainly was now. Red hot fury sped up her neck and into her cheeks and she curled her hands into fists. 

“Do not fucking call me crazy, James!” she shouted. “You’ve been acting weird all fucking summer! This explains literally everything!”

“You’re being paranoid for no reason!”

“For no reason?! Ines tells me you’ve been sleeping around with my best friend and your best response is that I’m fucking being ‘paranoid for no reason’? Be serious, James!”

“I said it once and I’ll say it again–you cannot believe a fucking word Ines says. You know this!” He took a deep breath, collecting himself before stepping towards her.  “Betty, I would never hurt you. You know that, right?” His voice was low as he pulled her towards his chest and stroked her hair. She sighed against him and they stood that way for a while.

“I’m sorry,” Betty said, a little uncertainly. “I guess I did let Ines get in my head a bit. She’s probably just bored and wants something to talk about.”

“I’m sorry I called you crazy. I was just frustrated that you weren’t listening to me when I was telling you that she’s a damn gossip.” She didn’t respond, just laid her ear against his chest and listened to his heart thump.

“I would never hurt you, Betty,” James repeated. And for a moment, Betty believed him.

But then she saw it. A half-used bottle of perfume that she instantly recognized. Her stomach dropped and she pulled away from him.

“James,” she said slowly, pointing at the bottle. “What is that?”

Panic flashed across James’s face. “Perfume,” he said obviously. He moved away from her and began pacing again as Betty further inspected the bottle. “It’s an early birthday present.” She could tell he was working to sound confident but Betty wasn’t an idiot. “James, I’m not stupid. You know I don’t wear perfume.” She turned and faced James, a coldness creeping through her veins as realization struck her. “But Augustine does.” 

James paled then and stopped pacing to look at her. “Why is Augustine’s perfume in your bedroom, James?” He swallowed hard and just stared at her, anxiety plain on his face.

Betty took another deep breath, already knowing the answer. “Did you sleep with her?” She paused and added softly, “You can’t keep lying to me now.” He was silent, staring intently at her, then sighed deeply in resignation, giving up on his attempts at ignorance.

“I did,” he admitted quietly. “I am. Ines is right.” Betty felt the blood drain from her face and she began to tremble. She stepped away from him. This time it was true, she thought grimly as tears prickled in her eyes. Suspecting your boyfriend was cheating and knowing it for sure were two different things.

“And you called me crazy…”. She sank onto his bed and put her head in her hands. Her chest burned from the shards of her broken heart and a heavy pit made its home in her stomach. She was my best friend…how could she…there was an indescribable storm of rage swirling and bubbling in that new pit and she clenched her hands hard against her forehead, wishing she could pound out the images invading her mind. She knew if she acted on her anger she would destroy him. She knew if she acted on her anger she would hurl words and lamps at him with intent to harm. She knew that she would have so much to regret if she acted on her anger, and so she didn’t say anything at all. No one likes a mad woman. The soft world built on the foundation of the love she grew up watching her parents share crumbled into dust around her. What was there to say?

James begged her to say something, but she remained silent. I gave him so many signs that I knew something was wrong. But he lied. And lied. And lied. She was vaguely aware of James’s feeble attempts at explaining himself but couldn’t hear anything over the thud of her own heart and the ringing in her ears. He wasn’t just my first. He was hers, too. Augustine was her best friend, after all. 

After a while, she turned her despairingly blue gaze onto James, who looked like he was going to vomit. She regarded him for another moment, then stood and silently left the room. James called out to her, begging her to stay and talk, but she was gone, leaving him in the hall with the last of his love in his hands.

Cardigan

As composed as she had been when James and Augustine broke her heart, by the time Betty reached her car across the street, she was falling apart. She sobbed and screamed and smashed her fists on her steering wheel, cursing James for throwing her aside like an old cardigan after spending almost a year telling her she was his favorite. Memories flooded her mind and she flashed back to their early days when they walked home from a house party and drunkenly danced under a streetlight, laughing loudly enough that neighbors yelled out their windows to tell them to shut up. He held her closer than usual that night and kissed her with passion and intensity. His hand had traveled under her sweatshirt and the night ended with their chests pressed tightly together, hearts beating in unison. 

Tears ran hot down her face as visions of worn Levi’s and streetlights, snowball fights and quiet nights flashed before her eyes like a silent movie. Her chest ached, tight and hot as she struggled to fill her lungs with air. She continued screaming curses at him from the privacy of her car before turning her anger onto Augustine as her mind raced with images of Augustine and James together in ways she thought were only for her. 

She was angry with herself for not listening to her intuition, which had told her for weeks that something wasn’t right. What did I do to deserve this, she sobbed to herself. Even on my worst days, I do not deserve this hell.

After a while, Betty’s tears began drying on her cheeks as she stared blankly forward, not seeing past her windshield. She stayed that way, observing the coldness that was spreading across her heart, leaving her completely numb. Betty eventually looked up at the house to see James standing at the window, watching her. 

She felt oddly calm as she pulled out her phone and sent Augustine a simple, short message. 

You can have him, but never speak to me again.