Dick Warlock

there is no such thing as a heterosexual vampire

Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.

“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”

Suppressing their feelings about the doomed couple, guests at Saturday’s wedding of Jerome Sykes, 23, and Madeline Pirone, 26, pretended the marriage was a good thing.

“Madeline looked so beautiful today,” said mother of the groom Betsy Sykes, who once threatened to disown her son if he married “that manipulative bitch.” “She looked positively radiant. They’re going to give me such beautiful grandchildren one day.”

you are not out of paper

you have so much paper

it’s okay to function as intended

you are not out of ink

i just refilled that cartridge last month

you can connect to that computer you’re supposed to connect to