Lex Watched a Movie

Come at me Tumblr. Time for my most hated post.

Two years ago I read my first ever Brandon Sanderson novel. It ruined the printed word for me for months. I found it astoundingly boring and an absolute chore on the level of Nathaniel Hawthorne. I was assured throughout my attempt that the ending would be worth it.

It was not.

Instead I felt nothing but utter disappointment and confusion. This is the great fantasy writer of today? This is the best we have? This is the man whose work invigorated the world to adult fantasy lit? This feels like I’m reading an early draft. It feels like reading mediocre YA but for some reason people are praising it as the great current fantasy. I didn’t read another book for months. When I did, Tim Powers’ On Stranger Tides, I was lucky that it was something actually stimulating.

Didn’t fucking help that an entire character was goddamn incomprehensible. I literally got a headache every time Spook talked and eventually skipped every single one of his scenes. Another classic mid-read conversation went thusly:

“does Spook get more important?”

“Yes”

“Fuck”

Two years after the conversation in the screenshot, I went back to the works of Mr. Sanderson. This time with a double bill of The Alloy of Law (because fuck if I was going to read a single word more of Era fucking One) and Tress of the Emerald Sea.

Still not very good. But an improvement.

And I think the improvement was because I did audio for those two. What was once a slog to put eyes on became something I could have force fed to me. I would have *hated* reading Alloy. *H*A*T*E*D* it. Tress was alright.

And here’s what I realized. I despise the way Sanderson writes action scenes. It feels like reading stage directions for what will likely be a stellar action sequence. But in the action you don’t feel the consequences. There’s no pain, no feeling of danger, no look of “damn I can’t believe that shit worked” or “oh God I can barely stand after all that.” All of the choreography is laid out beautifully, but I don’t feel the stakes or tension in the characters themselves.

Imagine reading the script of Mission Impossible. You know it’s going to make you lose your mind when you see the stunts because Cruise’ll bring the danger and excitement but right now it’s just a description.

Sanderson writes things that’ll look INCREDIBLE on screen and has very specific and exciting moments that’ll make fans watching the adaptation go “EYYYY THEY DID THE THING” and non fans go “HOLY FUCK THAT WAS COOL.” But on the page I find they fall flat. They need that extra dimension.

Tress was improved vastly by having a damn voice. Our narrator was funny, charming, and always just slightly and amusingly detached to the proceedings while also being completely dependent on the result. It was a fun time and I’d read more by him like it. Unfortunately he said it was a one off.

Sanderson does very well by his fans. He’s friendly, develops the next generation of writers, really involved in the general community. He might be my favorite author whose books I just hate. But I’ve given him three books worth of chances. I can’t give him more.

There are times I sit in a movie theater and watch something that I realize, even at the time, that I'm seeing something that will continue to be acclaimed for decades to come. There are times I realize I'm watching a classic before it has a chance to become one. The Dark Knight, Fellowship of the Ring, Frozen, and Mad Max Fury Road spring to mind.

After watching Blade Runner 2049 I have that feeling. This'll be remembered.

A quote from the original Blade Runner sums up this film quite succinctly: "I have seen things you people would not believe." Watching this film was watching pure majesty unfold in front of me. Whether it was in the smallest moments seeing Gosling's K living his surprisingly heartfelt yet lonely existence or the beloved Rick Deckard staring straight into the abyss in a scene late in the movie where he's confronted with something surprisingly horrific, it doesn't matter. Big or small, this movie is utterly captivating. And its ability to transition between those big and small moments without ever really having anything feel out of place is commendable. There is never a moment where I felt like we had to move on. I never minded it lingering if it felt it needed to because the movie conveys emotion so well that I'm feeling everything the characters feel.

This movie also just LOOKS incredible. There were shots that were literally breathtaking. As in I just actually stopped breathing for a second just because my mind had to divert its processing power to what I'm seeing on screen. I think the last time a movie wowed me this hard with just how it looks was the aforementioned Fury Road. This world is so deeply realized no matter where it cuts to that you don't really need exposition about what happened there. You see the design of the location and you just kinda... get it. It's visual storytelling done perfect.

Blade Runner was a film I felt... honestly very little about. I thought it was fine. I thought it had an incredible ending and I thought it went on too long. Blade Runner 2049 was almost three hours in that theater and I could watch seven more at least. It's a crime that this film underperformed at the box office because, while it could end here and we never see another one, I want it. I want it so bad. The worst thing about this movie is that it ends.

This movie weaponizes jump cuts and sound design specifically to make sick twisted bastards laugh their asses off. I can absolutely see John Landis behind the camera cackling at every stupid goddamn thing he throws in.

I laugh with you, John. I am very here for this joke.

There’s a scene in this where David, our werewolf, has to stare into the undead eyes of his victims. Hear them tell him of their widowed wife, orphaned children, friends left behind, a wedding that will never be, and a stark reminder to David that his broken shattered life is fettering them to this world. It’s a harrowing and painful scene. Or it would be if John Landis didn’t set this scene in a porn theater. So while these people are haunting David with the tragedy he caused, the background is going to”YES. YES. HARDER. RIGHT THERE. OH GOD.”

This is something an asshole would do to amuse other assholes.

And this fucking movie eases you into the comedy by starting genuinely scary. At the beginning of this, there’s a really good joke about an airplane that perfectly breaks the tension of a dark moment only to be brought back to the darkness immediately after. Right when any other horror movie would drop the funny and go all in on scaring us is when American Werewolf decides “no we’re gonna get even *funnier*”

Because it’s an asshole movie. For assholes.

The jokes don’t break the tension. The tension is just a setup for another goddamn joke.

It’s twisted. It’s off putting. It’s insane. It’s the kind of movie I want to buy on 4K Bluray because it really is beautifully shot and composed but also I want it on VHS because I think that’s somehow the ideal way to watch this fucking thing. It’s a landmark of the werewolf subgenre, I genuinely can’t argue with someone calling it the best. It has maybe my second favorite werewolf design, (the Howling is still king. I love a good biped werewolf) somehow some of the best zombie makeup ever, (!?!?!?) an unmatched transformation, maybe the best howl of any werewolf (it sounds like it’s screaming in unstoppable suffering and I *love it*) and a truly lovable lead character that you just wish could get out of this.

All wrapped around a tall and proud middle finger straight to the audience.

I just finished seeing Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis.

I… fuck it I’m going to bed.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww what a lil buddy!

Oh also this movie is spooky as hell.

Between this and Steven Soderbergh’s Presence this has been a good year for experimenting in the Haunted House genre. Both of these films are about changing the perspective from which we see this film happen. Presence puts us in the Ghost’s POV (literally since the camera is the ghost) and Good Boy says “yeah but what if our main character is just a dog?” Mhm. A normal ass dog. Just a sweet baby buddy boy named Indy (In and out of universe. I imagine that made filming slightly easier)

No protag this year has been more relatable. Indy loves his human. Indy can see spookies. Indy wants to keep spookies from harming his human, but frankly the spookies aren’t the biggest problem for our human. And this movie masterfully juxtaposes Indy, who I must remind you is just a real actual practical no CGI dog, with the atmosphere of the house to make it seem like Indy’s emoting. Like he’s feeling the fear that director and Indy’s owner Ben Leonberg (in his directorial debut) wanted to make us feel. It is *extremely* effective. Throughout the film I kept saying “Aw don’t be sad, Indy,” and “stop scaring Indy!” and “Indy no!” despite the fact that Indy is, in fact, just a normal dog doing things that normal dogs do. It’s what the director puts around Indy that brings the fear.

After the credits there is a making of documentary that highlights what was actually happening on set during the terrifying scenes. It’s so astoundingly cute. There’s a truly scary scenes involving a window and on set the director was making quacking sounds and moving a toy to make Indy stare meaningfully at this window.

Best. Boy.

This release is limited and when it’s gone it gets banished to Shudder. Go watch this cute little friend do spooky friend things.

Welp i guess I’ll rank all the Abrams movies from worst to best.

6. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. What an absolute mess of a movie. Half of it is a Macguffin Hunt for a dagger (a dagger? This is Star Wars. Make it Palpatine’s lightsaber) and the rest is a confusing mess about Force Dyads and the return of Palpatine and grandparents and honestly it’s all really quite unbearable unless Kylo Ben is on screen. It was a hard task to end this story. Harder even than the task of bringing it back. And circumstances did not work in this film’s favor. I don’t blame Abrams entirely for Rise of Skywalker but still then this is easily his worst.

5. Star Trek Into Darkness: I like this movie. I honest to God like Star Trek Into Darkness. It’s a madcap crazy blast from beginning to... the moment Khan turns on everyone. Yeah the reason it’s this low is that it ends a complete failure. Radiation leaks and KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN worked great the first time but using them again was just kinda... lame. But the rest of the movie? The team up with Khan halfway through? It was neat. Too bad about the ending.

4. Mission: Impossible III: This was a cool little movie. A nice precursor to what Mission: Impossible would eventually become. Electrifying stunts, a truly despicable villain, and a breakneck pace. Very classic M:I. A really good way to revitalize the series and a confident film debut for Abrams. So professionally done that, if you told someone this was this man’s first film, few people would believe you.

3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens: I do not envy Abrams having to revive this franchise. STAR WARS. The biggest science fiction franchise of all time. Maybe the most iconic film series of all time (though in 10 years I think we may be saying that’s Marvel) and easily the hardest task Abrams has ever taken on. And he did a great job. Essentially taking A New Hope’s blueprint and playing with it to give it new and exciting heroes none of which were exact blatant copies of the last crew and a new and very exciting villain who would come to define this era of Star Wars by being the only new thing that actually stayed good in it. It’s a big badass space adventure and a fun reintroduction to the universe we all loved.

2. Super 8: Abrams’s greatest trick was making a blatant Spielberg movie ripoff and having Spielberg pay for it. It’s a great ripoff though and full of fun creatures and even better child acting. He found good child actors. How rare is that!? So yeah, Super 8. Fun time. Emotionally charged, nostalgic as hell, and frankly better Stranger Things than Stranger Things. Tension builds fast, the movie runs at a great clip, and it makes me wish Abrams would do another original project. Absolutely fantastic.

You have your tickets for The Wild Robot yet?

No?

Fix that immediately.

There’s probably a showtime somewhere tonight. There is nothing you’re doing tomorrow that is more worth your time than this.

Not a damn thing. This is perhaps the best work Dreamworks has ever done. Have you missed the glory days? Do you wish for a return to when they’d break a bond of brotherhood by the will of God? Or when they’d soar you through the heavens on a dragon? Or when you’d learn the secrets of Kung Fu with the least likely student? Or when you wished upon a star with your favorite fearless hero? Or even just a journey far far away?

Did you ever watch any of those and say “they’ve reached their peak? They can’t beat that.”

They can.

They have.

With artistry on display at the level of Puss in Boots: The Last Wish but with the mature and heavy writing of The Prince of Egypt or the darker scenes of the Dragon Trilogy, The Wild Robot succeeds on every level.

Yes, Dreamworks has its failures. It has spent its time as a laughingstock. But then they’ll bring us something like this to remind us why we need this risky, hilarious, mind bendingly insane studio.

Why we need the risk takers.

Because sometimes, a risky venture pays off.

I’d ask Dreamworks for more of this, but that’s not the best way to go about this. Instead, I’ll simply ask that Dreamworks keeps dreaming. Keeps taking risks. I accept that we’ll get Boss Babies sometimes and not everything will pay off. But when it does… I’ll go again and again.

And bring a friend.

So.

Does Avatar hold up?

Yaknow what here’s the thing. If you liked Avatar in 2009 and thought the IMAX experience was exceptional then yes Avatar holds up.

If you thought it was garbage no matter how good the theater quality was, then it’s still garbage.

When I saw Avatar in 2009 I went in a normal theater in 3D. I thought the 3D was decent but nothing special and I thought the movie had this adequate story in a truly exceptional alien world. Having finally gone to the IMAX version, it does make a huge difference. The 3D is far more impressive than I remember and Pandora feels even more immersive.

The story itself is a solid version of the revisionist western anti-colonial tropes but it’s just failed by the characters. Jake is bland, calling Quartich one note is an insult to notes although he is extremely entertaining, and Neytiri is by far the best part of the film but could I expect any less from Zoey Saldana? The rest of the cast is somewhere between “utterly forgettable” and “oh hey it’s Sigourney Weaver I like her.”

But I really cannot heap enough praise on Pandora. This world is… exciting. It really is. That’s the best word for it. I keep having Phil Collins’s lyric from Two Worlds One Family in my head for it: “a new life is waiting but danger’s no stranger here.”

I adore the details put into this place. How humans cannot breathe here which leads to exciting sequences where Quartich braves the toxic air trying to kill his quarry or certain rooms get breached leading to a life or death struggle for oxygen. I like the dangerous wildlife but also the gentle direhorse. I like Eywa and how she seems to have a personality of a gentle kind mother who can be pushed to the edge. I like that the planet is essentially a massive living brain and that’s reflected somewhat in how all the creatures of Pandora share certain features (multiple eyes, breathing from their shoulders, etc) It really makes me wish Disney could have gone even more all out on Pandora at the parks. That river boat ride should have been extraordinary and could have been with a few more animatronics or 3D effects. Jurassic Park is eating Pandora’s lunch and I’m sad about that.

This film ended with a teaser for Avatar: The Way of Water. While I still don’t know what the hell this movie is actually about, I do know that I’m sold on IMAX for it. It took 13 years to figure out how to do this movie and the teaser shows that. Whether the characters have improved or not I look forward to returning to Pandora. And let’s not forget, James Cameron did do two of the greatest sequels ever made. Maybe he’s in for a third.

Dear Evan Hansen partly came at a particularly bad time for me. A friend had just died by suicide and I was doing my best to comfort their sister. Then this movie comes along and cuts that particular wound deeper. Plus Ben Platt is awful in it and should not have played that role.

Hellboy 2019 didn’t come at a bad time. It simply betrayed everything the character stands for, and this is a character very dear to my soul. Out of all the major comic book characters, Hellboy might be the one I most relate to. This movie hurt me by betraying him.

Five brutal years passed with that being the last we’d see of Hellboy. Clearly we were not getting a sequel, (Thank God) but I was hoping something would come along to redeem his good name. Enter the director of Crank, Brian Taylor.

“Oh!” said I, “A Hellboy from the Crank director? What high octane story are they choosing to tell with his frantic and intense filmmaking style?”

“Why, Lex,” says the imaginary voice I ascribe to the universe, “he’s only picking your absolute favorite Hellboy standalone story: The Crooked Man!”

… well shit. I couldn’t think of material less suited to Brian Taylor’s sensibilities than the folk horror of The Crooked Man. It’s a slow burn, filled with atmosphere and moody scares. Taylor is more of a Hardcore Action kind of guy. And the trailer dropped, looking like a cheapass fan film. I stayed back, not willing to be hurt again, until one bored night in which I decided “fuck it, can’t be worse than 2019’s.” Thus did I come to watch Hellboy: The Crooked Man.

Yeah that was aight. I mean it does come across as a fan film for sure, but a fan film with the steady hand of someone who knows how to work a camera, but had $37.84 and some Subway coupons to make a movie. The budget was tight but stretched surprisingly well. You can tell they wandered off into the woods of (checks Wikipedia) Bulgaria apparently (It certainly didn’t look like Virginia I’ll say that), found some old decrepit buildings, plastered some makeup on Jack Kesy and Martin Bassindale, and shot a Hellboy movie because they really like Hellboy.

The CGI is dodgy as hell, as expected for a low budget movie like this, which is probably why they use as little as possible. Hellboy is practical, the Crooked Man is practical, the witches and the undead are practical, and I guarantee if they could find a 6 foot spider they would’ve used it too.

And the atmosphere is strangely impeccable. Dark and creepy without being DCEU levels of unwatchably black, the movie feels like a color version of one of those Universal monster movies in design and composition. The editing is actually quite intriguing. It starts with long shots building dread, and, as tension intensifies, the shots get quicker, closer, crazier. Palpable discomfort which puts us in the head of the main characters.

I should probably actually talk about the two human leads. This story features Bobbie Jo, a rookie BPRD agent who is way too eager to be involved and is a complete invention of the film, and Tom Ferrell, an Appalachian native whose history with the Crooked Man starts this whole witchy mess.

And there, almost in the background, is Hellboy. This is easily the most comic accurate Hellboy yet. He’s got the hotheaded nature but the emotional maturity of the Hellboy I love from the comics. Now he’s not as compelling as Ron Perlman’s Hellboy, but he is more comic accurate. He does say “fuck” a few too many times. Swearing isn’t really Hellboy’s thing. But responding to “You don’t believe in the power of prayer” with loading a gun and saying “Just in case” is *very* Hellboy.

The story overall is also quite accurate. It adds a finale in a mine to give Jo something to do at the end, but for the most part this just is The Crooked Man translated to screen relatively on the cheap. And given that Crooked Man is my favorite Hellboy miniseries, it was nice to get to see it.

Boy that one hit like a truck.

Francis Lawrence is taking a break from killing teenagers in The Hunger Games in order to kill more teenagers in The Long Walk. And if you thought those movies were a punch in the gut, just you wait. It gets far far worse.

The Long Walk is an adaptation of the first novel Stephen King ever wrote. In the movie version, each state in the US has a boy of at least 18 entered into the Long Walk. The walk involves each boy having to walk until they can no longer walk. If you fall below 3mph, you get your ticket and your walk ends. With a bullet to the head. The winner gets a million dollars (this seems to be set in the 1970s so that would actually matter back then) and one wish.

Go.

So, Lex, how was The Long Walk?

*Jesus fucking Christ.*

This whole movie was pure anxiety fuel. The whole movie is us spending time and getting to know these kids and then very graphically putting a bullet in their face. No cutting away. No discretion. You will watch your new friends die screaming. And then you’ll go back to them trying to distract themselves from their impending fate. There’s only one winner after all. And no finish line.

Last time I felt this emotionally spent this year was Warfare and you guys know how much that one fucked me up. Imagine taking that and really getting to know the characters while it all goes to shit. That’s basically The Long Walk.

Francis Lawrence is also continuing his streak of finding a whole bunch of incredible young actors. Anchored by Cooper Hoffman from Licorice Pizza and David Jonsson from Alien Romulus (giving one of the great performances of the year), the other boys flit in and out of their brotherhood, revealing more layers and depth as the suffering compounds. Massive credit to Ben Wang continuing his “this is why I’m here to stay” streak. He went from being the best part of a godawful movie (Karate Kid Legends) to being the best part of an exceptional film. And always there, haunting them throughout the walk, is Mark Hamill’s the Major, popping up to say stupid meaningless drivel at these boys and then fucking off until the next time he feels like taunting them. He feels like a goddamn cartoon character and frankly it works perfectly for this. You have the dark reality of the murderous meat grinder called the Long Walk juxtaposed with the Major spouting a whole lot of pseudopatriotic bullshit.

Why yes this is about ‘Nam why do you ask?

Twice now have I wondered “is this the movie that will make me want to stop watching Branagh’s Poirot films?”

And twice now have I said “nope.”

Branagh has truly found his calling: adapting Agatha Christie novels and getting a whole bunch of famous people to do it. I’ll watch these until he runs out of material, gets bored, or dies.

Now which one is the best of the three?

This one.

A Haunting in Venice.

Easily.

Why?

Because Branagh gets to get SPOOKY. A liberal smattering of ghostly visions on an awful Halloween night in a haunted Venetian palazzo after a ghastly murder and a terrifying seance?

Sign me the hell UP. It’s a pity this won’t be around by Halloween night since it’s the right mood for those who can’t handle horror too hardcore. But even if it won’t be there for us at Halloween, it’s a wonderful kickoff to Spooky Time. It’s the exact right vibe. If you’re ready to feel the rush of just a little bite of horror, and you’re ready for a small helping of Halloween night, A Haunting in Venice will have it for you.

Me: Heheheh. Ah I’ve missed these movies.

Yep that’s a Conjuring alright. Long tension building sequences, a rogues gallery of whatever awful “this fuckass thing” the writers and director have decided to put on screen this time (With Spinoff Potential! Mr AxMan coming to theaters 2029), the cutest couple in horror, and a healthy dose of good ol classic Conjuring stylistic flair.

Look, if you don’t like these, The Conjuring: Last Rites isn’t going to change your mind. This series knows what the hell it’s about by now and expects you to be onboard or already gone. I’ve been onboard since I saw the first one. They’re wildly insane and packed full of likable characters and spooky little guys lighting up the screen. The two directed by James Wan are absolute stone cold classics of the haunted house genre and, while I wish Wan had returned to give us this finale, Michael Chaves is clearly a student who knows his master’s work.

This time, Ed and Lorraine are getting up there in years and their daughter’s boyfriend comes to them to ask for their blessing to propose. Lorraine is receptive, Ed is cautious, and this jackass haunted mirror from their past pops up in Pennsylvania to try and disrupt the good vibes. Will Ed and Lorraine come out of retirement to crack this mirror for good? And will Judy’s boyfriend come through to show his mettle and his worthiness to be part of the Warren family?

I mean. It is a Conjuring movie.

The last Conjuring movie apparently. Though who the fuck knows, the damn thing made approximately every dollar this weekend, so yeah I don’t know how done we are.

Ed and Lorraine might be done though. I hope they are. Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson have charmed us for twelve years in these roles and if they want to be done I want to respect that. Especially given where this film lets the Warrens go. Luckily relative newcomers Mia Tomlinson and Ben Hardy seem up to the task for taking on more demons. I have no idea if Judy Warren in real life continued her parents’ work with her husband. Fuck I have no idea if Judy was even the name of the real Warren kid. But as portrayed in this, she’s a lovable and funny protagonist and her boyfriend Tony came up game for anything. Fit right in. And if these two can’t keep the Conjuring name going, well they do have a flashback scene to the 1960s where we see the Warrens’ first demon with a pair of young actors playing Ed and Lorraine. Maybe we can fill in the gaps of their cases with these two. Either way, this isn’t over.

But how does this ending hold up to the other Conjurings? It’s pretty damn good. A lot of other critics were a bit harsh on the scenes that didn’t involve haunted bullshit and focused on the Warrens living their life and contending with Judy growing up. However my primary reason for coming to Conjuring films is to see Ed and Lorraine doing Ed and Lorraine stuff, so I found those scenes catered to, well, pretty much just me. The haunted stuff is a lot of fun too. Love me a good old Haunted Mirror. While nothing in this approaches the memorability of the Crooked Man or Valak from The Conjuring 2, I find this crew of fuckass things just about on par with Conjuring 1’s Bathsheba and spooky clapping boy and more memorable than Conjuring 3’s… I actually don’t remember anything from Conjuring 3 except Ed and Lorraine being adorkable and there was some witchy lady doing spooky stuff somewhere. Should probably watch that one again…

It's a good time with a good ending for our main two Warrens. I’ll miss these two quite a bit.

And thus with a horror film in September, I declare Spooky Season 2025 open.

My friends,

THIS

IS

Alien: Romulus is a cover band playing the greatest hits for 4/5ths of its setlist until it decides the last song is gonna still be a cover but it’s off the *weird* album nobody talks about. If what you’re looking for this summer is “more Alien” then you’re gonna get that.

And if you also wanted “more Prometheus” then brother, you’re gonna get that too.

Fede Alvarez knows how to handle his Xenomorph. Keep it out of the light, make it unpredictable and creepy, and never truly give the heroes the upper hand. At least not until they find a way out of the problem themselve using their knowledge of their surroundings and a bit of wild guessing that amounts to “if this doesn’t work we die either way.” Most of this is typical Alien. Faces get hugged, androids get shady, and big black shapes linger awaiting your doom.

But then it takes a hard left into Prometheus in the last few minutes and I gotta say… this was… a choice. Honestly it was such a bold and wild choice it feels like they filmed it in a way that it could’ve been cut from the movie entirely in case it tested poorly. But somehow, even under Disney, this wild shit gets to stay. And I’m glad for it because until this the movie didn’t do anything to make me go “oh God what the fuck is happening.” Because I knew what was happening. Alien was happening. But that ending was so unbelievably strange that I can’t help but applaud the audacity.

Do I recommend this? Depends on how badly you wanted a cover of Alien versus how much you wanted something new. I wanted something new and this didn’t quite deliver on it. I still had a good time and if you’re gonna cover Alien this is probably about the best outcome you could get. Just be prepared to hate that finale. I loved the finale. It was too insane not to. But I know people are gonna hate this. Just be ready for that to be you.

Hello everyone.

I’m a guy who just got out of the Aretha Franklin biopic, Respect.

It’s not good.

Sure it has some really solid moments and fantastic actors pulling ALL the weight but there really is no getting past the material.

And I don’t mean the material of Franklin’s life. It may be the single most fascinating life to have been made into one of these biopics so far. But this is almost like watching incredible actors read the Aretha Franklin Wikipedia page. Hudson and Whittaker are legends for a reason and they can drag some emotion out of absolutely nothing. But when you’re given absolutely nothing then that’s all they can do: some emotion. This should’ve been the most powerful and deep musician biopic ever made. But instead it’s just… scene after scene of just stuff that happened. It covered enough to be a miniseries and rushed literally everything. Every moment of this movie goes by so fast and nothing sets in enough to make you think Aretha is fascinating. They have this clear arc about her taking her life back from these people who controlled her and by the end you don’t feel like she’s any stronger than she was at the start.

If you’re really into hearing Jennifer Hudson singing Aretha Franklin songs… they’re probably on YouTube and the way this movie did the sound you really would be better off there.

There are better ways to get Aretha’s story than this.

Spend your time at Jungle Cruise or The Suicide Squad. It’s a much better use of your time.

To review this movie would involve spoiling jokes and I don’t want to do that because this movie nearly fucking killed me. I was laughing so hard. I swear there was something to laugh at every 25 seconds of this movie. Something new something stupid or a call back to an earlier joke that send you rolling in your seat because you’d just about forgotten about the coffee cup.

And all of this anchored by Liam Neeson, who is a powerhouse of comedy. Every single thing he does in this is done with the utmost deepest sincerity and complete seriousness. Which makes everything he does the funniest thing you will ever see. At a tight 1:45, not a single moment is wasted. If it does not serve the bit, it is not in the film. Every moment counts toward propelling both what little plot they bothered to put in this and the ongoing joke that is Liam Neeson‘s existence in this movie forward. It is one of the tightest and most economical scripts I have ever seen It exists to make you laugh and laugh very very hard. I nearly passed out during one particular scene set to the song Nothing‘s Gonna Stop Us Now. If you’ve seen it, you already are laughing at the memory of it. If you haven’t, you will know when it happens.

TAS

TIC

FOOOOOOUR

As a long time fan of The Fantastic Four, I am happy to say they’ve FINALLY BEEN ADAPTED.

Now is this a perfect movie? Pfft no. It’s definitely the sixth movie in a franchise that nobody made. I praised Superman for dropping us into a world fully formed with zero context and telling us to keep up, but that was a bit of a problem this time. Because where Superman shows this big cast yet centers on Superman, Lex, and Lois, First Steps has to balance four equally important characters (though it does lessen the importance of Ben in particular in the plot due to him, well, not being Big Science Guy, Mom, or Particularly Interested in The Silver Surfer) as well as give us our threat. An extra 15 minutes with these people might’ve made that a more reasonable prospect. As it stands, I’ve heard some who didn’t have previous love of the Four have trouble connecting to them. Tracks for me.

I though, do have a previous love of the Four and I say “hell yeah that’s the Fantastic goddamn Four.”

What makes them different from any MCU character aside from, maybe, Captain America is that the FF takes a wholistic approach to Superheroism. Not only do they save the world from imminent destruction, they save its soul. They bring about damn near world peace, they make friends of enemies, they unite the earth with kindness, compassion, and a love of discovery. All that in the opening montage set to the greatest damn theme music in the entire MCU.

And then they get a message from a silver herald. “Your planet is marked for death. Hold your loved ones close. Speak the words you were afraid to say. I herald his beginning. I herald your end. I herald Galactus.” And from there it’s a nonstop problem solving scientific adventure. It’s not light on action, but it’s not focused on it either. It’s focused on exploring and solving a problem. Think Andromeda Strain but the disease is a skyscraper sized hungry space god.

And that’s Fantastic Four. It’s an adventure comic where the action is secondary to the dumb bullshit they run across. The appeal is the family and this movie NAILS the family. Bickering younger brothers who love one another deeply, the beleaguered mom with the hardest job, and the distant but extremely loving dad who wants what’s best for everyone. A sitcom family with superpowers whose lives are dedicated to helping everyone, to science, and to inspiring us to be better people.

And while he isn’t present for much of the film, Galactus makes for a formidable threat. You really do need someone like this for an intro Fantastic Four movie. A villain who doesn’t need development, whose very presence is enough to make you understand the stakes involved. It gives more time to work on our heroes. And it helps casting the coolest voice in Hollywood to do it. Really the development goes to the Herald, never once referred to as Silver Surfer but that’s what she is. The gender bend didn’t hurt this character at all. She carried the gravitas, the splendor, and the deep deep sadness that this character exhibits throughout the comics.

Anyway, I loved this. I loved the classic sci fi feel of the movie, I loved the four main characters, and I loved the cosmic threat. It felt like a good solid phase one MCU movie. But more than anything, it felt like the FF. They’ve become my favorite comic team and I feel when I read a Fantastic Four comic I’m getting something that no other comics concentrate on: family adventures. This movie was a family adventure.

I started in October 2005 after seeing Batman Begins.

It’s a vibrant world full of wild characters, deep stories, and a glorious sense of scale and adventure. It’s huge. It’s varied. There are heroes everywhere, dastardly villains, monsters, science fiction, and magic. And when you start DC, you just start. There’s no easing in. It’s full and huge from the start. It dives you in.

Superman put me in my comics. It made my world exist. Full of Green Lanterns and Hawkpeople and a super dog because why not and Goddamn Mr Terrific. Is this this best Comic Book movie? I dunno. I’ve seen some that hit me more in the emotions. I’ve seen some with bigger scale. But it’s definitely the most Comic Book movie. This is a living comic in every way. From the sometimes clunky exposition to the episodic structure to moments looking like artistic panels. This *is* DC.

I extend this to the characters, especially Lex Luthor. Finally a Lex whose villainy feels personal, whose hatred is deep and intense for Superman. Superman isn’t the thing in the way of his plans. Superman is the plan. Superman is his reason for doing everything he does.

Which says a lot about Lex because this is easily the most basically and intensely good Superman ever put to screen. He’s unflinching in his goal and his goodness no matter what else is happening around him. No matter what new information comes to him, his desire is good. He’s good. That’s his entire point. What a lovely portrayal of a classic character.

The support is all wonderful to. Special shout outs to Nathan Fillion as Guy Gardner who nails the alpha dick the man is, Rachel Brosnahan as Lois Lane and her plucky powerhouse journalism alongside her deep deep love for her friends and for Clark, and Pruitt Taylor Vince and Neva Howell as the kindly Kents who finally feel like actual Kansas farmers for once. Perfection.

The action in this makes full use of Superman’s powers. It doesn’t have the frantic Dragon Ball Z style that we see in Snyder’s vision (still in my mind the best looking and feeling Superman action), but it is more built to show Superman’s character. Save everyone, no death, the only priority is the innocent. It’s extremely Superman.

If this is the vision for the Justice League side of the DC universe, this is a vision I can follow to its conclusion. I think this is maybe the best foundation for a cinematic universe I’ve ever seen. It’s fully formed, ready to give us adventures instead of endless origins. I’m ready for more. Luckily soon enough we’re getting Lanterns on HBO. In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night.