didn’t I treasure most?didn’t I wreck the most

From bottom of my heart

You ask when this started and Mister Dickhead makes sure Shane is accurate about when they started this. How dare you stave off half a year of us, Shane?

You ask if they talked to Scott Hunter and Ra Ra Rasputin says that he, famous asshole extraordinaire went to talk to Patron Saint of Hockey Gays to offer him congratulations.

You ask if he has no loyalty to Boston and Mr Fucking Fuck San Francisco is like. Nyet

# ILYA ROZANOV IS A COMEDIAN  

I've seen many people arguing that John and Paul were constantly trying to make sense of what they were to each other (even in the 70s), that their relationship was very undefined, and that they weren't fully aware that their relationship was a romantic one. They often say that their public comments, whenever they talked about each other, indicated confusion and bewilderment. I do think there was a lot of confusion in the early years, where they could have been in denial of what they were doing or feeling, and would try to frame it as “experimenting,” or something easier to downplay. But I don’t believe they spent twenty years unclear about what they were to each other. By the mid-60s, especially after Key West in 1964, I think they both understood, to a large extent, that their relationship was romantic. Paul himself said that there they did a lot of “soul-searching” and confessed “a few truths” to each other. He doesn’t say what those truths were — but I’ve always found it telling that he describes it in that language. Whatever happened that night, I don’t think they walked away “confused.”

So if they knew, then why do their public comments sound so messy, contradictory, or confused, as if they still couldn't make sense of what they were to each other? Well, because that’s exactly how someone would sound if they were trying to explain an intimate, romantic relationship — publicly — in a world where they couldn’t say it outright. Of course they fumbled. Of course their explanations seemed muddled. You cannot fully explain something extremely private, emotionally risky, and culturally taboo — while being interviewed, in the 70s or 80s, by journalists who were assuming a platonic friendship (or not even friendship at all). That doesn’t automatically mean they were confused internally. It means they couldn’t tell the truth publicly.

People often make a huge mistake: they assume that because, in interviews, Paul often sounds confused about their relationship and seemingly not understanding what he supposedly did that hurt John, that must mean that Paul actually has no idea of what went down. Many take this to mean that their relationship was very undefined, lacked communication (which is true to an extent), and therefore they couldn't have consciously thought of their relationship as romantic at the time. But I don't buy that Paul was completely puzzled. Sometimes, feigning confusion or saying “I don’t know” is the safest and only way to publicly answer a question you do know the answer to, or at least suspect it. Let's take a look at Paul's 1980s interviews, after Yoko publicly said that John told her that “nobody hurt him more than Paul did.” Paul would bring that up in interviews, sounding bewildered, and would try to guess what could he have possible done to John that hurt him more than anything. Sometimes he’d offer explanations that were so trivial that it’s almost comical — like when Hunter Davies asked him what was John hurt by, and Paul replied something along the lines of, “Well… maybe he meant that time I didn’t ask him to sing or play on ‘Why Don’t We Do It in the Road.” Paul isn’t that oblivious. He knew — at least partially — that what John was referring to couldn't be a studio slight, but something deeper. I do believe that Paul was aware about the emotional rupture caused by him wanting a "complete family life". But Paul would never spell that out publicly, of course.

Something else that tells me they were far more aware than people think is the amount of times they described their relationship in marital terms. Using the same romantic language over and over is their own way of telling us the truth, disguised as just a metaphor. Even small details like connecting their signatures, or John adding "written in conjugal with Paul" to the intro of In His Own Write. Another thing is the way Paul tries to explain in interviews what actually happened in the late 60s when Yoko came into the picture. Like when he said John couldn’t "keep seeing him" after he was with Yoko, because he was “like another girlfriend, almost,” and John couldn’t have both him and Yoko at once. Those are not the words of someone truly confused. That’s someone who understands what happened, and knows what he and John used to have. But since he is aware of the implications of what he's saying (but at the same time wants to tell the truth), he ends up giving an awkward explanation that ends up being far more revealing than he intended.

And their own behavior contradicts the idea of confusion. Look at how strategic — even emotionally calculated — they became in the late 60s: John knew Paul was jealous. Elliot Mintz said John told him that Paul was jealous because now Yoko had “all his love and attention.” Francie said Paul looked deeply disturbed every time John went on and on about how much he loved Yoko. As I said in a previous post, John was twisting the knife. It was deliberate. And Paul responded — not just by “moving on,” but by what George Martin called “self-defense” — forming a new, parallel emotional unit with Linda. This is two people in a complex, emotionally intimate relationship who know how to hurt each other — because they know exactly what they were to each other. Even their weddings were meant to hurt each other ("we spurred each other into marriage").

But their songs are the best evidence that they were fully aware that their relationship was romantic. These lyrics tells us much more than whatever they would say in interviews, especially the ones written during conflict, when their emotions were raw and unfiltered. These are not songs written by people who didn't understand the nature of their relationship. I cannot think of a single song (if you know about one, please tell me) written by them in which they talk about being confused about something that happened between them. If Paul had no idea, not even a small suspicion, of what John was hurt by, then it's strange that none of his songs deal with him being perplexed about what he did wrong. Most of their songs aimed at each other are instead about love, resentment, heartbreak, or just throwing digs at each other. “I find my love awake and waiting to be…Now what can be done for you? She’s waiting for me.” Paul knew exactly how to hit John emotionally — by saying he now had someone new that took his place. That only makes sense if Paul understood what, emotionally, he was replacing. And then there’s Arrow Through Me, written in 1978, which Paul himself described as a song about a relationship, a "fling", that “could have been great and fantastic" if there hadn’t been any "distractions.” He also said “nobody was more down" than him at that moment. The lyrics are about deep emotional hurt, disappointment, and regret over a romantic relationship that was profound, full of potential, and ultimately derailed. That kind of nuance doesn't come from emotional confusion about the nature of that relationship— it comes from a feeling of loss and painful awareness. And, on a more positive note, we also have, "Our life together is so precious...Every day we used to make it love — why can’t we be making love nice and easy?....Why don’t we take off alone?... like we used to in the early days?" Many people just interpret this song as John wanting to work with Paul again, and often ignore the explicit romantic language. John doesn’t even mention music. It’s intimate. It’s two people, alone. Like it used to be. He sounds aware of what that relationship was like, what it meant to both of them, and he wants to go back to that. And in Now and Then — “If we must start again, well, we will know for sure that I will love you.” John doesn't sound confused there (I dont think Paul is either, since he thinks the song was written for him). And I don't even have to get into If I Fell or In My Life, both of which John said were autobiographical (or semi-autobiographical).

She's reviewed so many fics of mine for so many different fandoms, and she's never lost her patience with me and my hyperfixations, no matter how insane. She's gone above and beyond to fix what needs to be fixed, to give me advice when I needed it, and to be there for me.

Thank you, V, for being an awesome friend and the best beta on the internet 🧡

by rights Obi-wan should have been able to talk Anakin down, when you think about it

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