The Ranting

My grandma asked me the other day while visiting why I looked so sad, and before I could even answer my mother answered for me appalled at the question, she's not sad she's fine right? And instead of an honest to God answer I just had to nod along and pretend again. Only person to notice it, And I wasn't even allowed to say anything.

And while I wish I could say it wasn't because of him, it started there and that's all it took. Sure he broke my heart, cause I truly loved him and thought I'd marry him, but it was everything else that came with that ruined me. I'm questioning everything about myself now. How could I have been so blind and wrong about a person? How could I let such a horrible guy get this close and hurt me like this? How did I not see it? How bad truly is my judgement? Are any of my actions ok? And now I'm reevaluating everything. Every life choice. Every person in my life. Every action, and all decisions to this day.

Then there's the fact that I have no prospects. No job, nothing to do or put my time into. I'm living at home, because I can't afford a place on my own. Literly can't even provide for myself. I'm useless. Every aspect of my life is a step back from where I was. Nothing of value in my life. I'm truly pathetic on every front...

And I can't even take any kind of step forward. The one thing I wanted to do for myself was find a puppy that needed a good home and a ton of love and attention. Something I thought I could actually do for myself and enjoy and even that isn't allowed by my family. And I can't take any kind of action against that because it's their home and I can't leave no matter how much I want to.

I would like to start off by saying I love my boyfriend so much but for fucks sake....

We text throughout the week, but he works full time, and therefore it's very little. Then he has a bunch of other stuff to do, and he's so exhausted so he goes to sleep shortly after getting home, and again it means little time for me. By the time Friday comes along he's exhausted from his week, which is completely understandable. It's why I don't even bother him then. I give him all of Friday to do as he pleases, volleyball, league, unwinding, whatever. Therefore I've come to grounds with only being able to get on discord with him once a week on Saturday night so that he has all of Saturday to again do the stuff he wants and needs. I figure once a week, you can cover everything throughout the week with plenty to talk about, and I don't come off as clingy because I'm able to handle his busy schedule and still give him time to do stuff he enjoys. Basically what I'm saying is I do my best to give him as much time as I can, and I feel like I'm really not asking for much. Just 2 or 3hrs of talking on discord once a week you know? But apparently that's even asking too much now.

When you don't want to get on your laptop so I can actually see your face because you're already at your desktop, ok I guess I'll just have to go 2 weeks without seeing you now.

When you tell me your just waiting to get on league with your friend as soon as you get done talking to me, ok I guess I'll try to make this quick so you can go do what you actually want to do.

When you tell me you're now going to mute yourself so you can eat right now before you get on league, well at this point I'm staring at a blank screen talking to myself, and at that point, what's the fucking point.

These few hours with you mean everything to me. I look forward to them all week. I sit around throughout the week and think to myself, omg I can't wait to tell you about this later, but when you're just trying to get it over with, when I become just another chore to you, as tedious as work or something, what's the fucking point.

I just want to talk to you. I want to know about your week, the jokes you make, the things you talk about, the people you like and hate. I want to be apart of your life, even if I'm far away. Why does this not bother you too? Why don't you want to talk to me too? Why am I the one bawling my eyes out and venting on Tumblr while you're playing league with your friends?

I get that I'm lonely right now.

I have very few friends here, and even worse, I'm basically bed ridden at the moment. I don't get to go out, I don't get to go play sports or do the things I love, instead I lay here all day. I lay here watch Netflix, read, write, draw, and sleep, and that is the entirety of my life right now. With things as they are though, I need you more than ever. I need to hear all the awesome things you're doing, tell me you're happy, tell me you miss me, tell me you can't wait to see me, just tell me anything. Don't write me off like everyone else is right now. Don't leave me alone and continue your life while I sit here and remain stagnant. Please help me through this, because I need you.

I'm scared right now. I don't know what to do, and it terrifies me. My wonderful boyfriend wishes I was more independent, my "best friend" is in rehab for drug abuse, and I'm sitting alone on a Saturday night with a pint of ice cream crying. Where did I go wrong that I ended up here?

I have always prided myself on being a very independent and self sufficient person. I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy, and the world has always been in my grasp.

Now I feel like I'm drowning.

My "best friend," I put that in quotes because who the hell knows what's true anymore, but my "best friend" was just put in rehab by his parents, and I'm sitting here asking myself how couldn't I see it. He's been sick for months. He's had episodes, that everyone around him has thought of as strange, and he hasn't acted himself. And of course, looking back on it, everyone goes, well it's so clear now, but that's just it, it's been obvious the whole time to me. I saw him acting funny, not himself, and I asked him every single time I saw him if he was ok, and if he was back on drugs. I looked him in the eyes and confronted him almost every time I saw him looking ill, if he's sick, or if he's taking something and that's what's causing all of this, and every time he looked right back at me and said no, or gave me an excuse. How could he do that? How could he look me in the eyes and lie straight to my face? I don't do drugs, or drink, so I always overreact to that sort of thing, but I do know stuff. I know weed isn't that big of a deal, and alcohol is fun every once in awhile, but the shit he was doing was never ok. And I knew he had tried that kind of stuff, he told me before, but he never mentioned it again. I know he trusted me. Maybe I've kid myself for the last 2 years, and maybe we weren't as close of friends as I thought we were, but Fuck. How could he not say something? How could he get to the point where he was giving himself seizures? How could he hide everything from everyone who loves him including his own boyfriend? How could I not have pushed more?

He's sick... I know that. And he's getting help... I know that too. But what I don't know is how to be when I can talk to him again. All of this came out, without me ever getting the chance to talk to him, and now I have to wait 45 days till I can and unlike everyone else, I'm grateful for the time. I'm too angry right now to see his face. I'm so mad, that I cry when I even think about him. I feel like it's my fault, if I had been there for him more, or had pushed harder maybe he would have said something. But mostly I don't know what to say now. He did a lot of really stupid dangerous stuff, and we're only finding out about it now. Stupid dangerous stuff that put him, myself, and all our friends at risk. And that angers me just as much. We had a right to know how dangerous the situation was, and he never said a word. And now I don't know what to say...

This is where I'm at. Trying to figure out where I am right now. For my own safety, logically I believe I need to cut out alot of people from my life. Pretty much all of my friends if I'm being honest. And that terrifies me. They don't deserve it, but they haven't always been good to me, but more so, they don't understand me, or feel the same about illegal substances as I do. That being said, my brain says it's time to let them go. And with them that includes the one in rehab... I can't let them drag me down or into anything. Yet my heart is fighting. It wants me to help the one in rehab, to let him know I'm there for him, and I don't want to be selfish, but... I feel like it's time to ask what's best for me?

If I choose to stick with this route, it's lonely. I've been trying it out, being on my own, and there's no one here... Every friend that I have appears to be on that other path, and if I truly want to purge, I'm completely and utterly alone.

The only good person left in my life is my boyfriend. He's honestly a blessing. He's amazing in every way, but he's always been a person that needs his space. I get that, I really do, but right now I feel like I need him. I need him more than ever, but I can't explain to him why, because he wants me to be independent. He feels like I don't do anything for myself, that I'm lazy, and sometimes, I even feel like he thinks I'm stupid, and right now I just can't handle all of it. I want to be myself, be independent, but I don't know how to do that when I have no one else to go to anymore. I use to go out all the time, enjoy myself with whoever, and didn't need any one person because I had tons of people and all that mattered was me. And now the only person I have to hangout with is him... I want to explain to him that I'm lonely. I want to tell him how I'm sorry that I'm all over him all the time, and apologize for being sad when he wants to leave, but how the fuck do I do that when what he wants is an independent girlfriend!?

He's all that I have right now. I'm drowning, and he's the only thing keeping me afloat, but I'm scared if I hold on too tight, he'll leave me next and I'll truly be under water.

People on the outside probably don't see me as alone. People are so judgmental. Just because something appears one way, doesn't mean that's how it is. I have other "friends" I spend time with right now, which is probably another reason my boyfriend is so confused why I'm holding on so tight. I just don't see them as friends though. Don't get me wrong, these other people are good people, I just don't know if I'd call them all friends. They feel way more like my boyfriend's friends than my own. I couldn't talk to any of them about anything. They don't invite me to things, they invite him, and I'm just a packaged deal. They look forward to his company, and want his attention, and I sit basically on the outside looking in. Seeing people who have inside jokes, and are all truly close, that's friendship, and I'm just not included.

I go where I'm lead, I smile when appropriate and attempt to enjoy myself, but right now, the only time I'm happy is when I'm with him. He makes me feel like myself, but even that is fleeting because he doesn't want me around most of the time. So I have to get better at being alone. Again. I need to stop letting my heart get the best of me, because I need to do what's best for me and right now that's finding myself once more.

I feel good at work. That's sad, and I've never wanted to be the one that completely engulfs their life with their job, but I'm thinking this is where I belong. At least there I feel adequate. I'm just learning right now, but I'm excelling. Everything there is new interesting and exciting and it's amazing because I feel like I'm apart of something that could change the world. It's the only place that feels like I belong, and they never ask me to leave because they've spent enough time with me. I don't feel like I'm a bother, or that they're sick of me. Right now it's the only thing giving meaning to my life, and true joy, and it sucks because outside of my lab, no one else understands.

Stealing the format and a couple quotes that I really liked, from Amanda Wan, For My Love, In Honor Of Our 5 Month Anniversary. Loved your article, and thanks for the idea.

5 months is texting everyday, just waiting to see each other again.

5 months is learning as we go because neither of us have any clue on how to do this.

5 months is being allot of each other’s firsts and being terrified of messing them up.

5 months is asking each other so many questions because we want to do things right.

5 months is corny jokes and stupid pirate pickup lines that he knows will always work on me.

5 months is saying, “sorry I can’t do Wednesdays, because that’s trivia night.”

5 months is driving around to get him no matter what the circumstances. Sleep deprivation, hurricanes, football traffic.

5 months is cooking meals together and him pretending like I know what I’m doing, and am a decent cook.

5 months is him saying “I’m sorry” with puppy dog eyes and knowing my heart is just going to melt and I’ll give in.

5 months is hand holding, forehead kisses, tickle fights, and grabbing each other when no one’s looking.

5 months is watching “The Chase” and “Jeopardy” because he’s such a dorky nerd, but it’s ok, because I am too.

5 months is late night talks and truth or dare.

5 months is finding out the worst there is to know about me, and him saying “I love you” for the first time in spite of it all.

5 months is him loving the parts of me that I hate and asking me to try and love them too.

5 months is not judging each other, and being willing to try new things because we’re both into a little crazy and weird.

5 months is trying to be intimate, but me ruining it by laughing at British diaper man.

5 months is remembering British diaper man, and laughing about it later, but not being able to explain it to anyone else.

5 months is taking each other’s iclickers to class so we both don’t have to go.

5 months is begging him to pick my friends and I up because it’s hot and the buses don’t run during the football game, AND him actually doing it even though he’s studying.

5 months is him carrying my backpack or walking with my bike because I’m too lazy to do it myself.

5 months is him making a deal with me if I promise to take a nap before I continue studying after 2, going on 3, all nighters.

5 months is him finally figuring out exactly how clumsy I am, after repeatedly getting hit or kicked, watching me fall down, run into things, and hurting myself.

5 months is editing his papers because I love him, but he’s not the best writer.

5 months is me freaking out everytime I have a timed online quiz, and he starts kissing on me to distract me from it, even though we both know it’s easy and won’t take me the full time.

5 months is me trying to do the same thing to him, but him completely ignoring the quiz, focusing on me, and then me freaking out for him over his quiz.

5 months is catching me, and not laughing too much when a biker comes out of no where and scares me because I think it’s a skunk.

5 months is staying “just for a little while” because it was a rough day and you both need it.

“5 months is taking lots of pictures that he doesn’t love to take, but takes them anyway because he knows it makes me happy.”

5 months is working out with him and not wanting to look weak so you go hard, and are SO sore in the morning, but regret nothing.

5 months is still being jealous, but it’s ok because you both feel it from time to time, and can talk about it with each other.

5 months is continuously trying to convince him that Taco Bell isn’t Mexican food, let alone food at all.

5 months is being corrected all the time because he’s just too damn smart, but it’s okay, because that’s just one of the many reasons you love him.

“5 months is realizing how happy another person can make you, without you having to sacrifice any part of yourself.”

5 months is never believing love or happiness were in the cards, until he walked into your life.

5 months is seeing him, and still getting butterflies because you weren’t expecting to.

5 months is dealing with life stresses, but not feeling it as strongly because he’s around.

5 months is him never pressuring me for anything ever, but considering things I’ve never considered because I really do love him.

Ok so wow I haven’t explained a thing. But it’s not my fault, I tried to a couple months ago but my stupid phone deleted the whole post and it’s taken awhile for me to actually want to try and do it again. I’m extremely happy though right now. So let’s go back to the whole I’m super confused thing, explain why I was absolutely depressed and how I’ve gotten to happy in just a few months cause you know my crazy ass emotions are everywhere but it’ll make sense.

Alrighty, I was confused, we went out for pizza March 31, 2017, he acted like he liked me, but ignored me too. He would continue to text me, but he wasn’t really flirting back. Finally after about a week of this off and on thing I was sitting with him alone at a table at our hangout and neither of us were talking the entire time. It was awkward, quiet, and I didn’t have a single clue what to do about it. He leaves though, and I whip out my phone and text him right then and there. I explain how I just get really nervous when I’m with him, and that I know I’m weird but I actually really like him. I tell him it’s ok if he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I do for him, but that he’s just kinda hard to read and I just wanted to see if we were on the same page. I told him how we were friends before I admitted any of this, and if he’s not interested we would be completely fine and be friends after, it’s not going to effect anything, and sent it. Mind you it took him hours to reply 🙄 which was stressful enough, but when he finally did, it wasn’t good. I was in lab, and that’s where that depression post came in. He said he knows he’s hard to read, but that he’s focusing on school right now. You know the whole it’s not you it’s me spiel. He was likely sincere about that, but I was just hurt. I didn’t think he even really gave me a chance, and while it’s completely ok not to like someone, like I wasn’t mad at him, I just got really down on myself. I really put myself out there for this guy, way more than I have anyone else, and it just didn’t matter. So yeah, I resorted to what I knew. I felt miserable about myself, and just went through how I get through things. And mind you, I’ll be hurting like hell through it all, but I’m damn good at faking it. April 5, 2017

I texted him back, told him that it was fine, I’m glad he told me, we’re good, and finally that I was sorry for probably being annoying. It was sincere even if my heart was breaking. After that I went back to my dorm and just cried for hours. So let me just say, I AM NOT THE TYPE THAT CRY’S OVER A FUCKING GUY. That’s not what I was crying about. I was upset with myself. I hated that I had actually tried and failed. I was doubting myself, I was doubting everything I am as a person, I was doubting everything. That’s why I was crying. Not because some dude turned me down. That happens all the time. But just that happening all the time was part of the issue. My self confidence was shot to hell and I didn’t know what I was going to do about it. I knew that by this time is when I usually break down and do something extraordinarily stupid and that’s what I was trying to avoid with the crying. I actually forced myself to think about things instead of just pushing them away and doing something dumb to comfort myself.

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I guess this means I’m maturing or some bullshit. So I’m actually leaving a bit of space here cause we’ll call this an intermission. I wrote all the above stuff a few months ago again. And now it’s late August and I’m trying to catch this diary shit up so it’s relevant for my next break down (cause trust me, it’s coming, but for good reasons). I’m actually currently crying but that’s later me’s problem. She can deal with the emotional fall out from this last one cause I still have to go back and explain the old stuff. This is what you get when you procrastinate. Non recent emotional turmoil. Whatever, it’ll make sense soon I promise.

So back to the story. I was emotional, but as if I’d let that shit show. I walked into our hangout place like I owned it the next day. Was talking up everyone, screaming hey from across the room, had guys hugging me and wanting me to stay and hang longer, like I was a damn blonde popular chick from the movies or something. Mind you though, this was all for him. He sat in a chair by the window, alone with his headphones in, and I wanted to make sure he knew he had no effect on me once so ever. I was great, didn’t need him, it wasn’t a big deal. Ignored his existence the whole time, and then just as I was leaving, did a quick, oh hey Kyle, and walked on by. Wanted to make sure he saw I wasn’t interested, but also that things between us were fine like it hadn’t happened, no matter how I was really feeling inside.

Of course it’s easy looking back on this now. I mean this was all about 5 months ago or so, but at the time, yeah it sucked and I was revaluating things, but for once, I wasn’t broken. I kept my head, and I was proud of that. Anyways that next week was interesting. He was friendly, but too friendly…? At least for someone that had straight up turned my ass down. Like there was no question because I asked him straight up, yet he was still being kinda sweet? I shook it off. Knew what he wanted, and just assumed that was his way of keeping us as friends, but he was wanting to hanging out, walk to see our other friends together, and idk it felt weird. Like bruh, I’m trying to get over you and honestly this feels allot like torture. You could leave me alone for awhile to at least let the wound heal you know? But nope. Guess not.

Anyways a week goes by all weird, I’m good by now, and even have nice conversations and what not with no problem. It was a long weekend, I was heading home with some friends to my hometown, when all of a sudden after talking to him and just being social not even hours before, he suddenly texts me to tell me he made a mistake. He tells me he does like me, and that he was just confused cause he was scared to let himself lose focus on his schooling, but that if I’d take him, he wanted to take me on a real date. My favorite part though, was he would have asked me in person, but that he was scared he’d mess it up, and at least this way, he could reread the message a few times before he sent it… 💕(I know, he’s fucking adorable…) Skipping all the squealing and screaming that occurred in my friends minivan it took me about 15 mins just respond, but I told him that I understood, and that sure I’d be down. After that we stayed up and texted all night just about nothing and I couldn’t have been happier. April 14th, 2017

We made plans for a double date. Yes I know, who goes on a double date for their first date, but hear me out. This was my first official date. I was nervous. This boy had turned me down already and I just wanted it to go well! I would have agreed to whatever he wanted at that point! Lol, but that’s not what happened. He texted the day before to tell me plans fell through, and if I would rather come to his place and we watch a movie. Okay, tell me world… HOW DO YOU DRESS FOR A MOVIE DATE AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE? I contemplated this question for so long, and finally had to just have my friend come over and help me choose. I wanted to show up in freaking pajamas. Super chill and relaxed you know? But I was told not to do that, and thank God for that. I show up to his place, and there he is, jeans, a nice shirt… I can’t even explain how good he looked. Like gosh… I need to explain though, he never dresses up. He’s always in basketball shorts, a stupid t-shirt 😂, and like slides or tennis shoes. I’ve never seen him even try to look nicer before, and here he was doing just that for me, for a movie date. Not going to lie, this was it for me. He was already doing something no guy has ever done in the past and that was do something FOR ME. No guy has ever cared enough to try for me. They’ve never given a shit, and here he was just trying. I know, sad huh? I can hear you now, “wow she has low standards,” well ya see, that’s what happens when all you’ve had in the past was trash. Assholes who don’t give a shit about you, and just want to use you for your body. Yeah well I don’t put it just on them. When it happened more than once you know the whole shame on you line. Obviously it wasn’t just their faults, but I’m not going to go into the pit of depression that was my life that made me make those decisions. No, no, I’m going to continue this, because trust me, he’s changed everything.

Alright now where was I… I stood outside his place hyperventilating for about 15mins (I got there early cause I knew this would happen) until I finally got up the courage to go knock on the door and that’s when my hot af date opens it and our awkward personas just intertwined to create what was the most awkward enterance ever. I go in, he immediately asks if I want water, with the yes response he gets it, turns the lights off and we go sit on the couch, AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, and immediately start the movie within 5 mins of me walking in the door. We must have sat there awkwardly next to each other for 15mins or so just silently watching, no touching. I eventually started to chill out as I got into the movie, The Prestige (pretty good btw, can recommend) when I look over and I can basically see him thinking and not paying attention to the thing at all. Of course I over look this and just think he’s nervous too, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, and mind you, were watching a movie about fucking magic, like this came out of true butt fucking nowhere, he suddenly blerts out, “hey can I ask you a question?” And I’m like, “yeah sure, what’s up?” And he goes, “do you ever think about being a pirate?” TAF? Lol, I was just like, “umm, in what context?” And he was like, “oh you know, would you wear your parrot on this shoulder,” points to my closer shoulder, “or this shoulder?” Puts arm around me and leaves it there to touch the other shoulder……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..And that’s the story of how I died. Lmao no seriously I died laughing. Best way to get you’re arm around a girl ever. After how tense everything was and then for him to pull something so corny, I loved it. It was so good, and funny, it was just the best possible situation. We both immediately loosened up and I just had another reason to be completely into this guy.

So quick background of how we met: Through a combination of the same hangout place and mutual friends, he was just always around. Always seemed way out of my league and just all around perfect, and I basically never thought I had a chance. Honestly I still don’t know why he gave me a chance but that’s for later me to continue with. But the point of this is the mutual friends. The night of our date, they sat there calling and texting us throughout the movie. Mind you they didn’t know we were on a date, but they were just bugging us cause they wanted to hangout and couldn’t understand why we weren’t answering. So instead of watching another movie or continuing our date, we had to bring it to a close early to go figure out what they wanted. Which I guess was fine, I wanted to hangout more just us, but I wasn’t going to push my luck. We headed to the hangout just to find out they all went to dinner and that we were now not invited. Now at the hangout without our usual friends we run into another couple, Ryon and Ashley, sweet little freshman couple who was on my side to get this dude all the way 😝 Anyways they realize we were on a date and basically get it started again by having us continue the night with a double date with them. So this is my first date, I didn’t want to scare him off and then being so excited and saying it was a double date was like terrifying me. I was shushing them and trying to play it cool, but I didn’t know how he’d take this whole double date thing, but more so, I don’t know how he’d feel with us being out in public like this. Like I’ve said before, I’ve been with some truly shitty guys and any kind of affection in public was not ok with them. Likely because they were fuckbois who couldn’t be seen with a chick if they were planning on getting laid by another later on. 😒 Anyways basically I’ve been treated badly, and normal healthy relationship concepts are foreign to me. Them being so excited about this ‘double date’ in public made me so worried it would push Kyle away, yet come to find out he loved the idea. We played pool, then went to McDonald’s to get ice cream. Not gunna lie, I had a good time, and this was my first taste of what something good and pure is actually like.

We make our way back to the hangout and our usual friends finally make it back just to stop and stare at Kyle. If I didn’t make it clear before, HE NEVER DRESSES UP. They all saw him in the jeans and just busted out laughing because they knew he was trying for me. We parted ways not long after that, but it was a great first date and no matter what happens, I’ll remember it always. April 21, 2017

The next couple days we causally hung out doing hw and studying and what not. Sadly finals were around this time, so time was not ample, but we replanned the double date we were originally going to have that first night and were able to go out with our friends Lucy and Josh. We played mini golf, bowling, a few arcade games, and happily ended the night with pizza. It sounds stupid, but for whatever reason this date meant allot to me. We won these little bouncy balls, nothing fancy, but Kyle told me how they’d be a momento of our date that day. Lucy stole some golf balls 🙄 and was planning on writing the date on them as her momento and I loved the idea. And while I hate being a total girl, I got home that night, wrote the date, April 28, 2017, across the ball in sharpie, and then later placed it on a soon to be memory board.

The thing about that night though, wasn’t just the fun we had. It was what happened when they were taking me home. I got out of the car, thanked him and everyone for a great night and started walking away when I realized I forgot my calculator (I’m not going to explain it; I’m a nerd, deal with it) and ran back to grab it. Once in hand though, Kyle gets out of the car (he was driving) comes up to me says how they’re giving him a bunch of shit for not walking me to my dorm. I try to tell him it’s not a big deal and not to worry about it, but he just happily says no that he wants to. Small talk pursues till we reach the door. I swipe my card, look at him, cause I can tell this is when one of us is supposed to make some kind of clear indication of what they want, but instead of kissing him like I really wanted to, I panic cause I wasn’t sure what he wanted, hug him really fast, and basically run inside.

Literally banging my head on the wall when I get up to my dorm for not going for it, I grab my phone and immediately text him. I ask​ him if he was wanting a goodnight kiss, and if so that I was too, but that I panicked and that’s why I didn’t kiss him. I follow that up with, if he wasn’t planning on going to go in for a kiss, then to disregard everything I just said. 😂 I know, smooth right? What can I say, I’m as straightforward as they get.

He responds back that he wasn’t sure either but that he wanted to kiss me as well. He said how our awkwardness will go away with time, and with that my heart just melted.

That next night I had a couple friends over half studying, half watching movies and eating dinner, so of course I invite him. He comes over, again we have a decent time, and a little after midnight so technically the date’s April 30, 2017, he decides to leave. I walk him out to the elevator and after the night before I was determined. Just as soon as the elevator gets there, I stood up next to him on my tip toes (he’s quite a bit taller than me) put my arms around him just enough to pull him down towards me and give the most awkward kiss possible. See it wouldn’t have been so bad, but I being the clumsiest person in the world, mix it with my awkwardness, and you get a ridiculous situation. As I went up for the kiss, I completely lose my balance, basically fall into him, barely pecking his lips and then try to catch myself using both him and the wall. Suffice to say I was flustered. I regained my balance was like, ok bye, and ran back to my dorm where my friends awaited for details. Instead they got a squealing me. Once more I whipped out my phone, texted a crazy apology about how dumb I am. With his response being “it’s ok, when you think you’re being dumb, I think you’re so cute.” Again.. butterflies. He’s amazing, and we both just agreed, it looks like our kissing skills could use some practice to get it right. 😉

You know time flies when you have exams and are trying to get to know someone. It was really terrifying to me to get close to someone so close to the summer time. I mean we live in different cities, 5 hours apart and there was no way we’d see much of each other this summer. To start a relationship as long distance just sounded ridiculous, and that’s exactly what I told him. On May 2nd he came over and while we were supposed to be studying, we hung out for hours just talking about so much random nonsense. I mean he was there till 4am or so, making it the next day. The nonsense wasn’t constant though, important things came up. Silly things too. I laid on the couch, my head in his lap, trying to be fairly quiet not to wake my roommate, but continuing to talk and show each other videos and what not. He would gently move my hair out of my face, and told me how he’s always wanted to do that to someone. Just the gentlest touches and it just felt so right. But when the topic of this summer came up, I tried to let him off the hook. I told him how I understand that we’re going to be apart, and that I know we’re nothing, just talking and what not, and that if he was to talk to other people that’s fine, because I’m no one, you know? Like I don’t matter, and he can do whatever he wants. I just kinda said all this, but added how I probably wouldn’t be talking to anyone though. I think he saw where I was going with this, me basically saying he could do what he wants this summer and if he’s not taken by then, that I’d be down to try talking again in the fall, but he wouldn’t have it. He said how he wasn’t going to be talking to any other girls, and how he wasn’t planning on not seeing me at all this summer because he figured, if it was alright with me, that he’d make the trip down to my hometown just to see me. I asked him though, if that’s what he wants then does that mean we’re exclusive? And if so how does that work? I told him I’ve never dated anyone before and he said the same thing. He’s never had a really serious relationship or anything but that he’d like it if I was his first. He said sometimes it’s not something you have to say explicitly, that a couple just kinda can know that they’re dating at some point, or one of the 2 can ask the other to make it official. I asked him well then do we wait and just see what happens or what? Finally he asks me, S****** do you want to be my girlfriend? To which, of course my snarky ass having to ruin a good moment, “ehhh, maybe, I gotta think about it,” laughing then said “of course,” and kissed him. Making May 3, 2017 the day we both started our first official relationship.

Of course the story continues though. I mean it is August and that just catches me up to May. I’ll probably leave out most of the juicy details, but I’ll leave catching you up to August for another post because this one is hella long. As if anyone reads these anyways, but I think that wraps this up really nicely. Like I said earlier though, it’s August and I’ve been in tears, and totally need to vent about what’s going on, so I had to get this post done first. Now that it is, on to the next emotional rollercoaster that is my life.