ams🧚🏼‍♀️

this year was so fucking hard, so many days where i thought i couldn’t bare the pain anymore , maybe i’d be better off if i didn’t exist. i never knew the pain would be able to go away. im filled with a lot of unprocessed guilt and shame from hurting the ones i wanted to keep close.

i wish i could’ve have gotten the right treatment sooner, i wish i could have realized sooner. i hope you understand, i hope you could still love me the way i always loved you, even if i couldn’t express it. living with this mental illness consumed my life for so long, and now that ive gained more control im left with the guilt from my past

i think of my relationships with the people around me, i wish i wasn’t who i am because of what i cause. im ashamed. i wish i could let the guilt go, i wish i could think normally. i wish i could just hold myself.