I'm Keeping Track

I'm pretty chill now so I think it might be.

I mean I'm not looking forward to the vodka wearing off because I haven't got any more, but eh, I'll deal with that when it happens.

I'm not doing good atm. Lots of self harm+suicidal thoughts. I haven't self harmed but I'm indulging the suicidal thoughts because I have no idea what to do with my life of I can't go back to college.

(Because I'm an idiot and have a big mouth)

And the consultant still wants to give me unescorted leave soon.

On all the shit that's happened in the 3 months since I ran away.

My dad came and got me and took me home.

We went on holiday as planned that week.

College said I could only go back if I was on medication, so my mum took me to see DrP and I went back on sertraline and started propranolol.

I went back to college on Monday 3rd June, and had a crazy week.

I barely slept but also had all the energy to do everything and talked to staff a lot. Jumped down a lot of stairs and baked a huge number of cakes.

Also self harmed very badly (full thickness burns to both arms).

Got sent home on the 10th. S had talked to me a lot needing more help than they could give me but being sent home wasn't what I was expecting. I was right though, before I ran away!

I never went back to college. They kept changing what they were saying about S coming to see me and going on the end of term trips, and none of it happened.

I ran away again. Less far, but for longer. Everything was just too much.

I was seeing the intensive (crisis) team but they were useless because there were so many of them and they didn't do anything helpful.

I found another college that does A levels. It looks amazing.

Because no one from this LA has been there before, funding is complicated and won't happen for the beginning of September, if it happens at all.

M has attempted suicide 6 or 7 times in the past couple of months.

I started feeling a bit better a week or so after being home, but then it got worse again. When I heard about there being no chance of college in September that was one thing too far.

I overdosed and spent a couple of days in hospital. Saw a psychiatrist from the intensive team and he said it was risky sending me home but he didn't want to admit me. My parents weren't happy. A bit later a nurse came by and said I had capacity to discharge myself, so I walked out of the hospital. I went and bought more pills and overdosed again that night. Back in hospital the next morning and then sectioned by the end of the day.

I've been sectioned and in an inpatient mental health ward since Friday 26th July.

Spent my 20th birthday here.

It really sucks here.

I was on a section 2 (up to 28 days), but following an assessment yesterday, I'm now on a section 3 (up to 6 months, can be renewed).

I constantly want to die. I know what I'd do. It completely overcomes me and I don't know what to do. It's so much worse when I'm here because I know I can't to anything about it.

M's been great and their mum brings them to visit even though it's not very close. We went trampolining and had lunch and went to a few shops yesterday. It was really fun, and they brought their dog. I bought them a tank because hey what's money. I also got my mum expensive chocolate.

I miss my mum and our cats.

I don't want to go home. I hate being here, but home is stressful and it makes me worse. I would go home if I was feeling better and it was just me and my mum, but that's not an option.

I just feel like nothing will change.

I was on mirtazapine for 6 and a bit weeks, but then I stopped taking all medication a couple of days after I got here. I'm now on duloxetine. I have lorazepam in the morning and evening, and also as a PRN. I'm on zopiclone but a really small dose and it doesn't do anything.

My sleep's been terrible. A couple of nights ago I didn't sleep at all, and the next night wasn't considerably better. I didn't wake up until 1pm today.

M's been diagnosed with stress induced psychosis. I can't help but think I'm part of that stress.

I want to go to the new college. But funding is far, far from certain, and even if it came through I'm really worried they say they can't take me because I'm too unwell. After the assessment yesterday when the AMHP was telling us the outcome, she said that if they let me go the risk was far too high that I'd end up seriously ill or dead.

Had a really emotional conversation with my mum a couple of nights ago. She said it felt like we were saying all the things you want to have said before someone dies. I feel so, so terrible for putting her through all this, but I just can't manage.

Some of the staff here are ok. There's one (Fk), who plays cards with me. Her birthday's a couple of days after mine and she's only a year older than me.

My consultant is DrK, and DrJ is another doctor here. The first time I met him he commented on how my doing Rubik's cubes during meetings "set me apart as different" but then in the assessment yesterday he lent me an X cube which is cool.

I'm not eating properly. I got here on a Friday night, M visited on the Monday so I ate a cake they had made, but that wasn't until Thursday, when I had part of a meal deal with Fk. The dietician is concerned, and prescribed me weird drinks which I'm not having. I'm not eating much, and I'm throwing up most of what I eat.

My dad got hit off his bike on a roundabout and has a broken collarbone and multiple broken ribs.

I haven't seen B1 since the morning after my first OD. He's been working the few times my mum has come which is a shame. I've seen B2 a couple of times though.

My dad came a couple of times early on but just stressed me out so I said he couldn't keep coming. He and his fiancée came on my birthday and that was a lot better.

My head won't stop. It's really horrible and I'm done with it.

There's a psychologist here (Pi) who is good. Except she's now on holiday for 2 weeks. We worked out I believe I don't deserve to be happy. I told her about a lot of history stuff. She gave me 2 self help booklets on anxiety and panic and ok thanks for the thought but I think we're a bit beyond that.

I've gone to an art therapy group a couple of times, mainly because a therapy dog also goes.

I had a bath before my second OD, but that was 3 weeks ago and I haven't washed beyond wet wipes since then. I don't actually smell that bad though.

They took me off my T. I was super angry and now I'm just fed up.

My mum's visiting tomorrow and we're going to cuddle up together because it's been way too long.

I would do a seperate recap of today but all that's happened is that I've been in bed apart from med time this morning and this evening. I'm going to try to start them again though. It partly feels like I've been here forever, but also I can't believe I've been here 3 weeks already. So I figure if I write stuff down I might be able to keep track a little better.

But I can't tell anyone. I don't know whether I'm more scared that I'd get hospitalised or that I wouldn't. At least this way it's my choice.

Getting hospitalised would suck hugely, but having people know how badly I'm not coping and say "you're not bad enough" would possibly be worse.

There isn't a level of support between where I am now and being hospitalised, apart from I guess being drugged to high heaven. I'm talking to/seeing the crisis team multiple times a week, but it doesn't help.

Because I know they'll stop me from doing it, which isn't what I want.

If I'm thinking about running away and tell someone, they'll stop me from doing that by not leaving me alone etc.

If I tell someone I have a strong urge to burn or pour boiling water on myself, they're going to restrict my access to things I can do that with.

And then what if I decide I definitely want to do that thing? I can't. So I don't tell anyone. And make bad decisions, but that's what I want to do at the time.

And everything went to shit.

Very long story, that I don't even understand because basically all of the conversations happened without me, short, I'm sat in a hospital and if I leave they'll call the police to bring me back.

My dad's coming to pick me up but he won't be here for like 8 hours. Everything is so fucked up and I just can't. I have no idea what's happening with college or anything, and all my stuff is there.

I actually did it.