Sweat Like A Pig Look Like A Fox

I did it again. I stopped doing sth for me. In January i relly wanted a freh new start and bam, after 1 week of working out every day i got sick with the flu, but with a very heavy kind of. I was sick for like.... 10 day and then again at the start of February for 8 days. And the coughing didn’t stop since... Okay, there may be some context between coughing and smoking 10 - 20 cigarettes a day ;)

So, last week i bought the PIIT28 stuff from Cassey from Bliglates. And I couldn’t get myself to start with it. Excuses everyday. Yesterday I had a bad night with feeling fat and ugly and argh. And then i realized why I didn’t start the PIIT28. It’s not a lack of time. It’s not a lack of space in my tiny apartment. It’s simply one thing: Fear. Fear of not making it through one of the 4 repeats. Of being sore for like 6 days and not being able to do more sport. And the fear of seeing how low I got. How little muscle there can be in a human body after doing almost nothing for 2 years (I bet it’s under 30 times).

And so I tricked myself out: I’m gonna compelte the beginners 2.0 calender from Cassey first and then I can try the PIIT28. One step after another. No crazy “beginenrs calender and runnign 1 hour every day and ....”. Just this simple little thing.

And on the side of eating? Uhm. I just decided no Pizza for me in the whole of April. And today is already April the 9th and I have not eaten any Pizza since the 30th of March. It sounds so stupid and so litte compared what all the fitness goddesses do. But I just listened to Cassey and she said it right. Everyone is at there own journey. And it won’t help to compare these. I’m right now at Chapter 1, page 1 (the prologue were the last 10 days...). And I won’t compare myself to someone who is in chapter 372 or sth like this.

I don’t know how long I have not posted sth here. Or even exercised on a regular base. I think it all started to go downwards like 17 months ago. The day my boyfriend took his life. Today I can look back to this time without being sad or anything like this. It took me hard work, therapy and some good friends to recover from the worst day in my life. But ever since, I never could make it able to come back again. I stoped working out completly. I even moved back to my parents, I have a nice little 1 room apartemet with kitchen to myself. But now I’m kind a living out of the city with a stupid (not really existing) connection to bus and train. I stopped moving my feet to move from A to B ann instead I make no way without my car. I stopped working out. I stopped eating clean and healthy. Perhaps this is because I simply stopped eating after my boyfriend took his own life. I wasn’t hungry and I had no appetite. Soon, after like 3 days, all my friends and parents just brought me my loved foods (like high carb, high fat like cheesecake, pizza etc.) so I would eventually start to eat sth again. And so I did. In the first 2 weeks I lost 5 kgs (11 lbs). But then I had appetite again and started to eat regulary angain... But thats enough.

Recently I hit almost 64 kgs (141 lbs) on my scale. That’s not the worst. But I nearly fit in my clothes anymore, my stamina (??) is going towards zero and everthing on me is just.... squashy. And i have tons of cellulite. But nevermind. I really want to start to workout again and try to stop eating so much junk.

I started with some running yesterday (25 minutes, 2.68 kms - 1.66 miles, but with some hights) and like 20 mins of blogilates today.