solipsystem

I feel it leaking through into my sense of self a lot when I feel untethered.

For various reasons, some just logistical and related to dynamic changes in my care, certain interpersonal connections are being severed.

Endings are natural, and it change is the only thing in life that is guaranteed, but it awakens parts of me that really feel the rawness of every severed connection. It echoes back as I Don't Exist Anymore.

It was hard work. It was constant, deliberate, mindful. I could do it, but it felt dangerously rusty and unfamiliar. I haven't been consistently deliberate in that kind of somatic self care for... years.

These days i run straight into avoidance and distraction and I can feel it stagnating me.

I remembered the times over the past decade where I'd used an old, long-gone, sideblog as my mental health/wellbeing/recovery focus and it helped massively.

I am awful at consistent journalling or habit tracking but figured I could try and revive this space for that.

...

Positive aspects include that we are taking this as a big prompt to expand our social life and be more involved and engaged in things where we get to spend social time with a wider range of people. Life got stagnant and shrank quite small when our whole world started almost revolving around one relationship.

Also found it quite regulating that it seems we are both keen to remain friends as our friendship has been so extremely important to the both of us before and during dating.

It cannot be helped that at this stage in life we both want and need and have capacity for different things which are misaligned to the point of not being able to sustain our relationship. It hurts enormously, it brings many of us panic and anger and bitterness. Hoping to explore and process more of that as things become less raw as time progresses. Therapy this week will be 2 hours long to account for how many of us will need to be present.

Appetite is slowly coming back. Able to eat more things. Using meds to aid sleep for now but hoping we won't need that for more than a week.

Her choice. I wanted to do the work. She couldn't see it working, or didn't have it in her to keep trying.

We are angry. And heartbroken. devastated. despairing. hopeless. inconsolable. some parts are relieved.

Hardly any time passes without our thoughts turning to her. It hits physically. we've been nauseous and unrested for days.

We are going to try to maintain a friendship. That soothes some of us and feels like painful temptation to others.

She and I love each other deeply, and it maybe hurts more due to that. It hurts every time someone cannot be or do what we need in order to feel safe and respected.

I apologised for needing too much, she apologised for not being enough.

It was calming and comforting to see her today to end it properly, to talk face to face. But afterwards, back at home by myself, I was just glued to the spot in bed with nausea and sorrow. Got out of the house for a bit to see friends, which provided some relief. I think we'll have to stay busy and not be alone too much for a bit.

I'm having to stop myself begging her for it to be different. If she could be what we needed then she would.

I'm worried about how painful this is, how dysregulated we are, how we aren't getting enough rest or food. I'm worried it's going to make us really unwell. I can't manage to do anything that helps for longer than a couple of minutes. It's agony. i don't know how to tolerate feeling like this. When does it stop feeling so raw?