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@imaijen
it feels weird to eat before I've been awake for 4hours, minimum. nothing is stopping except an aversion to eating so quickly. some days i'm actually hungry that quick, and then it's a fight between my stomach and my brain. my brain wins, though. I'm not sure if that's an eating disorder, but i'm not going to worry about it.
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the only time I ever "fell in love" or was threatened by it, I would say was in the 11th grade, during study hall. there was a guy that was fun to argue with, and he also made me laugh.
the only reason I think I may have liked/loved him was because, when I found out he had a girlfriend, I felt sad.
otherwise I would've been just as happy to kiss him as hit him across the face.
he had a mediocre taste in music anyhow.
I have sleep issues. if I fall sleep quick, I wake up loads during the night, or really early in the morning, like, after 4-5 hours sleep. if I have trouble sleeping, I may not get to sleep for 2-5 hours before I fall asleep. I can't really make heads or tails of it; I used to think it was connected to my mood (I have bipolar 2), but it seems now to be unconnected, as both issues come up at both ends of the scale. sometimes its so hard to fall asleep it just isn't worth staying in bed, so I end up not sleeping at all. if it happens more than one night in a row, I end up loopy, and it still doesn't mean i'll sleep that night. super annoying.
and I have to tell myself stories before I sleep, or i have trouble. my little sister and I used to play pretend, or 'play', before we fell asleep; this was an every night thing when we shared a room (for 12 years!!), so you can see why it'd be an issue to go without. I was most of the boy voices, and she was most of the girls (she would put up a fuss if she wasn't the main female character); perhaps that's why I never had trouble with the thought I wasn't really a girl all the time? (androgynous mostly, girl the rest of the time) (shrug shrug)
went clothes shopping with my sister. it was overdue. needed shoes & bottoms. got socks, 2 pair shoes, 2 dress, and a skirt. it went well. stayed in budget.
okay, another thing that bothers me about myself is my sensitivity to the texture of foods. the texture ends up mattering WAY more tan the flavor, smell, or look of food.
I can't eat mushy foods. I just CAN'T. not oatmeal, barely bananas, even slightly overcooked noodles and vegetables are impossible for me. it hits the back of my tongue, and squishes, and...! I can't. I can't swallow it. it takes massive effort to pretend it doesn't bother me; I'm not very good at pretending, honestly.
I reminds me of the flavor and smell of off-foods, foods that are on the wrong side of the expiration date. it also reminds me of the look and texture of curdled milk.
just, no mushy foods.
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when you love someone, you want to keep them with you forever; let them make you feel better, like a stronger person. you feel like they're apart of you.
yeah, that's a better way to start, throws the scent off, makes it seem less creepy to say eating someone is romantic. (sarcasm) I have never, nor WILL ever eat someone, but I gotta say, it seems to me a solid way to keep someone with you forever.
but not the way that Hannibal lecter does cannibalism; that's wasteful. also he doesn't like the people he's eaten (except mischa, but shh, lets not talk about her). I mean, using everything you can, and you can use almost all of an animal body in cooking, so I think we can superimpose many cooking techniques for cows and possibly pigs to the whole people thing. like, there are uses for most everything in the body.
the more I talk about it, the more I sound like i'm gonna go out and do it, but I won't. i'm not crazy (not that brand of crazy anyhow). I could go on and on, about stocks, broths, and rendered fat, but seriously, who would be interested in that?
took my dog for a walk today. my mom wanted her flip flops, but didn't have her car, so she asked me to walk them down to her. her place of business isn't all that far from my house, so I was fine with it.
when I was getting ready, I made sure I had 2.50 for the bus, in case I couldn't do it, of course. I am not unaware that my physique makes most distance walking hard to accomplish. I ended up not using it though! I enjoy when I can do something I thought I couldn't. I stopped for breaks when I felt bad, and had a water bottle so I didn't dehydrate.
my dog was excited the whole way there and back. she barely had any water the whole trip. I forgot that she only eats and drinks when I stand watch in the kitchen, where her bowls are. is it strange that my dog doesn't eat unless she has a sentry? she also gets skittish in the dining room sometimes. Scooby-doo scrambling abounds.
I don't shower very often. I'm not sure why. I enjoy the sensation of being in the shower; the water feels nice; i like being clean. I also just d not care f I am dirty.
I think about this a lot, because my parent mention it a lot. I know I don't smell nice, and i don't care much about it. I know my hair feels gross, and I don't care much about it.
some nights my head gets so itchy I want to peal my whole scalp off, but I still don't shower. I just suffer through it and tell myself not to scratch. I know the itching would stop if id just shower, but I just... don't.
my skin looks grey with grime, and I just dont care. I have felt this way for years now. I think it has to do with my depression, but none of the medication ive ever been on has compelled me to clean myself.
maybe its because i dont think im worth it, but maybe it is because I hate myself, but maybe its because im lazy, but maybe its because I just never have the spoons for it.
even tough I am aware I am overweight, sometimes when I look at my hands, they look skeletal. my fingers look so scrawny.
and my fingernails (when they get long) make my fingers look dainty, feminine, and fragile. I don't paint them; they're naked and bitten down most of the time, but when they get long, I... they look... not better, but more... they look prettier?
I have a friend that my favorite memory of her is her fingernails as she turned a page in notebooks or typed on the computer. it looked like her fingernails were floating. it looked so attractive.
a'right I gotta be honest:
I'm starting this side-blog in hopes that i'll feel more comfortable saying things, so I will probs be sayin lots a strange things.
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