Mind the Gap

7/17/2026 7:26am

Another weird itchy nose attack. It started around 6:15am. Is it dust? Is it the Thai food I ate? Just my autoimmune system being stupid? I need to figure this out because according to the allergy doc and her blood tests, I don't have any allergies. Which is wrong...it has to be wrong. So I guess it's up to me to try to figure this out. I guess I'll just start logging when it happens in here and try to mention if I did anything special or ate anything special.

This happens too often. This time it has only been a week. So tomorrow I get to have an irritated and bruised nose. Then in a couple days my nose will peel as if I had sun burn. I don't want to rub my nose but it feels like little things are on it...tickling it. These things last from an hour to 4 hours. I've washed my face and that didn't help. I took an Allegra at 2am.

What do you do when you find yourself just utterly useless? I'm at a point where I'm struggling greatly. It seems like all I can manage is watching stuff. Nothing feels important. I'm not actively suicidal or anything. I have passive thoughts but that has been true for me for most my life. I've gone inpatient before but that doesn't seem like it would apply currently since insurance only lets you stay until you are no longer a suicide risk (in my experience). I'm not rich enough for anything else really.

But also, is this being brought on because of my physical health? Is being on disability and feeling fatigued all the time causing the peak in my depression? Is it the opposite? Is this just the burnout I've been feeling since 2018 (or earlier) amped up?

Today I had botox injections for my migraines for the first time. It sucked to be honest, ha ha. I'm rather tender-headed so the injections themselves hurt and then the migraine I already had got worse which is a possible side effect. Fun times.

It would be great if this helps but I'm not holding my breath. It usually doesn't really do much until the second or 3rd treatment so it'll be a long wait. The treatments are usually scheduled every 12 weeks.

I'm seriously struggling. So much. I'm not sure what is the main factor but I'm so fatigued that I don't do anything. I'm wondering if I might be anemic but it could also just be from my other chronic illnesses or just from depression and anxiety. One leads to the other leading to the other, etc. Obviously the current state of the country (U.S.) isn't helping.

Due to financial issues I don't have a therapist anymore.

I see my primary care doctor in November but can I just keep doing this for that long or should I inquire about some blood work?

I hate that everything feels impossible and horrible.

I'm disappointed in myself. I keep having urges to use old eating disorder behaviors. Admittedly I'm eating a little less on some days but I'm trying to not go head first into behaviors. With the recent Eating Disorder Awareness Week, some friends were posting memories and such and I just keep trying to remember if things were really all that bad.

Surgery was successful and I'm healing nicely at home. The one really aggravating after effect is the coughing from the breathing tube. It hurts to cough. A lot. I'm coughing like I have a chest cold. That's not exactly great when you sometimes pee when you cough or sneeze hard. I'm hoping this goes away super fast.

The pain is fine I know that might change soon though. I'm only taking Ibuprofen and Tylenolbfor now.

My surgery is tomorrow!!! I'll find out what time later today. I've been trying to prepare everything for when I come back. I've cleaned, shopped, done laundry, worked out ways I can be comfortable, etc. I'm super excited but also nervous about the aftercare and such. I like to do things on my own as much as I can so having someone come take care of me is going to be a bit stressful.

Today I'm doing some laundry, straightening up some, taking the trash out, and preparing things here and there that might make things easier.