If you need somone to talk to, I'll be here.

Hi- I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Gender is hard to deal with in such a restrictive and binary culture. 

First, I want to affirm that no matter what, you’re nonbinary; no matter how “masculine” or “feminine” you appear, no matter what people perceive you as, etc (but of course, the way we’re perceived still affects how we see ourselves; I get that). 

It seems like some of these feelings are coming from how you appear, and I’m curious if altering your appearance might help. There are all kinds of makeup techniques that might help to affirm your gender and how you wanna express it, that sort of thing. 

Admittedly, I’m cis, so I don’t want to make assumptions about your experience or tell you what to do when I don’t know what it’s like. It might be worth doing some research and finding other people who feel similarly and how they’ve dealt with it. 

I’m sorry to hear that things have been rough lately- changes in mood can be really difficult to deal with, especially if they’re sudden.

I don’t know the details of your situation, so I’ll list some things you can do and hopefully some of them will work with what you have access to.

-This sounds quite simple, but, if you are able to, just going outside can be helpful (and even if it doesn’t help in the moment, it’s still good for you). It can be a walk or a run, or even just sitting outside wherever you live. Even if you’re in a city, try and find some little bit of nature (a tree, grass, the sky). Just looking up can be helpful too.

-You can also go more inwards; headphones can help if you feel overwhelmed, even if you’re just listening to white noise or nothing at all. I find blocking out noise makes it easier to hear my own thoughts. 

-Journaling or writing down how you feel helps for some people, others not so much.

-Finding a new hobby (or picking up an old one) whether it be something physical, mental, artistic, etc; this could be anything from knitting to yoga to doing puzzles, etc. 

-Let yourself feel what you’re feeling, and don’t let it stop you from caring for yourself. That’s really important!

-You might want to look into a SAD lamp, if there’s a possibility your change in mood could be related to less sunlight in the winter (in addition to your family).  

There’s no “should” when it comes to your emotions- clearly this guy means a lot to you, so of course it’s hard to see him with someone else. Love is hard and brings about all these huge emotions that feel like they’ll last forever...in the moment, it’s probably best to try (and this is easier said than done for sure!) to strike a balance between letting yourself feel the heartbreak (and not beating yourself up for feeling like you “should” move on or get over it), while also still going about your life and doing what you need to do. 

There might be times where you just need to sink into the sadness and listen to music and cry, and then there might be moments where you’ll need to pick yourself up and do something that requires more energy than you may have. 

I realized that the reason it bothers me is that it’s not true. indirectly, emotional pain can lead to art, but it’s not the suffering that causes the art. it’s your reaction to the pain; it’s YOU! the music you made after that awful breakup wasn’t created by the devastation you felt; it was your reaction to those difficult emotions, it was how you coped. the play you wrote about being exiled from your friend group and having to restart your life isn’t thanks to that horrible thing happening, it’s thanks to YOU responding to that experience.

I hope I’m making sense here.

hello- i’m so sorry, tumblr didn’t tell me i had a message...

you can’t force yourself to have romantic feelings for someone when you just don’t, and it’s as simple as that. feeling like you should basically “settle” for him because you won’t find anyone else also probably won’t lead to such a healthy relationship if it’s based in your own insecurity instead of love. he sounds like a great friend, though.

if i were you, as long as you still enjoy his company, i would stay friends with him, and if he’s as good a person as he sounds, he will understand if he has feelings for you and you don’t reciprocate even if it bums him out.

and who knows? 3 months is objectively a short time (but that depends on the person i guess); maybe eventually you will develop feelings for him, or you won’t, and that’s fine too. 

thread out your “shoulds-” separate what you want to do, from what you feel obliged to do, from what you don’t really feel like doing (but will anyway because it will benefit you). it won’t do you any good to feel guilty about not doing stuff because you feel like you “should;” if you hate reading, don’t force yourself to read a book a week and then beat yourself up if you can’t.

if you’re trying to get into “self care” but feel intimidated by the prices of lotions and your inability to find a candle scent that you like, it’s okay. just brush your teeth, shower, do something with your hair if it makes you feel good.

if you hate eating because you’re trying to do what everyone says is good and not be distracted, say “screw it” and read a magazine. Scroll through twitter if it makes eating more enjoyable. And do the same thing for other stuff people say is good but might not work for everyone.

im making this post mostly to emphasize that these are two vastly different things. both are good and come in many different forms and take different amounts of times for everyone, but oh my god are they not the same thing.

self-awareness is a great stepping stone to self-improvement (or just generally changing behavior). there’s a big difference between realizing you demonstrate a certain negative behavior and actually taking the steps to change that behavior.

this is especially important when it comes to making new friends out of peers, colleagues, etc. i’ve found myself making excuses for people behaving in hurtful or negative ways because i confused these two things; someone saying “oh it’s just because i’m an asshole” doesn’t make them any less of an asshole. it just makes them a self-aware asshole. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, it doesn’t mean you have to take it. 

And yeah, i have empathy for these people, because self-improvement can take a lot of work, and sometimes, self-awareness is all you can do at a given time.

first off, if you don’t know, BPD refers to “borderline personality disorder.” it is in the DSM and has a number of distinct symptoms and diagnostic criteria. currently, people under the age of 18 cannot be formally diagnosed with BPD; many people feel that the symptoms of BPD are inseparable from normal adolescent behaviors (along the lines of mood swings and other hormone-driven behaviors). While I understand this perspective, I think the difference is pretty clear between adolescents with BPD and those without it. 

find one thing that you can do. 

pick up the paper clip that’s been on your floor for a week.

brush your hair.

take a sip of water.

throw out a piece of trash that’s lying around.

check your email.

cut your nails.

change your underwear.

stretch your neck a little.