The Yawning Canary

Sometimes we say "right after i become this, i'll get my parents happy" or "after i get this, i'll proof my worth".. But sometimes it is indeed true that no one knows one's life span, and this fact could affect certain people to become even more agitate, not being focus to the present.

I had always been distracted, and lately, i had been even more distracted that i didn't realize i've become more of a burden to my parents. And the 'worse'? They didn't complain any words about it, and just proof to me even further they support me in any way possible, the same as what i've witnessed the things that my parents had been willing to do to support my older sister.

Discord had been such a fun place. I met lots of new friends, and the idea of just turning our cam on in order to focus on our task (study, etc), not communicating verbally, chats only, sound silly indeed lmao. And the funny thing is, my hair fall had suceeded to decrease after a various of hair treatments, and at that moment i was thinking,"Oh.. Perhaps stress as the reasoning of hair fall was actually true.". Discord actually gives happiness for certain people.

And probably everything is a cycle, and the 'happiness' might need a break right at this moment, because i need to focus on managing my real life, and helping a bit for my family.l

It doesn’t feel nice, like at all.

I used to get sick easily when i was in primary school to the point that sometimes a little bit fever didn’t feel so bad. I mean one day off from school seemed like a nice thing for a 11 years old me.

However, the last dengue fever that i got 5 days prior to my 22nd birthday didn’t feel nice, like at all. The sickness just ‘simply’ reminded me how uncomfortable having a sickness could be.

I literally had 3 cycles of migraines due to the high fever. I got lots of headaches from foods which are slightly too salty or too sweet for my own ‘standard’, but these were the worst headaches that i’ve ever had in my life. Not to mention the nightmares that keep popping up everytime i slept. So, it was either holding on to my migraine or sleeping while having those nightmares on my rests. For the whole 3 days, my normal (healthy) hours could reach 2-3 hours/day in which i used them to have my lunch/dinner. I thought i was going better, until i got another cycle of high fever and migraine and went back to my sick mode.. During the whole 3 days, i felt like i was in the edge of my consciousness..

The sickness was so uncomfortable that i wish to live.. I said to myself (in which i believe that God must be listening at that moment),”If i’m going to recover from this sickness, i’m going to stop pretending that i’m studying in front of my father when in fact i was not.. That’s first. And the second one, i haven’t figured out how to recover from my own method of entertainment that some people might include them as ‘non-halal’, but i will find the way out by the way. As long as i have the right intention, as long as i start to make a progress, i will figure it out.”

I didn’t realize that it was dengue fever, until the fever cycle kept going on and i opened up my long sleeves of my sweater and discovered lots of red pimples on my hand. And just like that i got my suspicion that i got a dengue fever. 

I got a slight panic from this discovery tho because the most critical day from my dengue fever at that moment are going to come (the 4-5th day), where i would feel much better and the fever were going to be less. But, the trombosit level were going to go down hill from there that from what i’ve heard, the patients are going to need a hospitalization or else we’re going to die. No joke, i was being a bit paranoid that i was way too eager to have an infusion of whatever substances that are necessary for my body.

And turnt out that i don’t have to be hospitalized. But still, i got 2 bottles of infusion 1 day prior to my birthday. The infusion itself doesn’t contain the substances that could increase my trombosit significantly. They were just some nutrition to re-energize myself due to a possibility of dehydration and malnutriotion from the suspected nausea. I got my infusion from 1-8 p.m. My father waited for me for the last 4 hours. On the first hours, he brought me full package of bedcover and pillow since the clinic didn’t provide an adequate amount of comfort for patients being infused. But still, we were being grateful that i got to be infused without having to sign myself up to the hospital. We sincerely wish the best for the clinic’s future development.

And just like that, with my parents understanding that people with dengue fever need to take a rest in order to maintain or having their trombosit level increase to the normal level, i got better.

It was on 29th June 2021 5.45 p.m, right after my father had parked his car on my grandma’s house, that my grandma had passed away. It was as if she had been waiting for her first borned to be on her side, during her last seconds on this worldy life..

At that night, i remembered a famous saying of,”If you borned poor, it wasn’t your fault. If you die poorly, then it is your fault.” 

I always felt neutral toward this quote. Afterall, it can’t be helped that people’s common view toward success were the amount of cash that they could earn.

However, that day has changed my perspective toward the one particular quote. To have your very last moment with your first borned whispering to you, on the last working sense aka your hearing during your last seconds of living. This, has defined me to another level of form of success.

I’ve ever watched tons of videos, podcasts, a few of tumblr posts, about how to stop procrastinating. BUT i’ve never found someone who exactly knows how we as the REAL pro of procrastinating feels :’)

My first impression for this video was actually ‘Well, cool bujo, she might share the free printable one (my free-ass im sorry) why don’t click?’ And so i clicked with the expectation that the video will contain the overall common tips about how to stop procrastinating, such as making timetables, reasonable to - do list, the amount of to-do lists per day, and etc. No offence for people who have genuinely shared those tips, i do admit that being organized can be a key for disciplince, being independent without caring our motivation fluctuation, and ended up being productive, what im gonna say might be an excuse, but i guess everything doesn;t need to happen in the same time? aka something whih can be so difficult to happen in our life might happen after you learn and ‘practice’ it step by step in order to gain the solid faith and establishment.

As I’ve mentioned before, the reason i recommend this video is that Estella (the youtuber) describes greatly how the real procrastinator feels. About what the us the procrastinator pro have ever been through, the ups, and downs, the failed efforts without knowing why it could happend again and again. The actions that some of us the procrastinor might have done be like making the 30 days study plan. Because we failed, we then reduce it into 20 days study plans, anad because those are too much we made daily to do lists, in which we ended up writing not ony the upcoming assignments but also our revising ‘ideas’ (if this aint me that i couldn’t decipher which one is the daily to do lists or monthly to do lists, and i ended up by couldn’t prioritize them although i had classified them into tables 🙃) until.. we ended up being a deadliner, and probably some of us ended up conveying their feelings in the diary, which i saw the scene from teh video as a symbolization of us being (however) deeply dissappointed with ourselves but we can’t tell other people because we know exactly that the mistake is on us, and prob we didn’t want anyone to blame us (is it me only? :( ) about the pro procrastinating that we almost can’t help. 

And the suggestion that she gave was actually quite controversial for me, and kind of plot twist too in which i never thinking about it before. (Well, a friend of mine who is feeling the same anxiety and deppresion as me has ever slightly mentioned about this, but i took it as a life advice, not about procrastinating.)

Its really nice to see my ‘old’ crushes again like, Sarah (studyholmes), studydelicious, Sharon (asmrglow), and i guess Sarah Mason (studbly, fav studygram and studytube uwu❤️) I mean, i think i’ve been swayed away lately by... Eroda (if you know, you know) and my old 'journey’ aka finding some good fics in ao3 *ehem*.. And ofc, i feel guilty for wasting my Saturday away, but i guess i’ve never being concentrate on Saturday so far and prob that day is going to be my day off.

The influences that my ‘old’ crushes had on me:  - I prefer FlipdApp rather than Forest (love you Sarah!) - I prefer BrainYoo rather than Anki for online flashcards (i’ve just downloaded them, haven’t use any of them, such audicity of me to make a preference 💀) 

The sadness came for the third time in a week, the last day of the the week for exact, Sunday. No idea which one the worst, doesn’t matter anyway, felt different this time because my father and my mother was in there. And what makes it ‘more interesting’, it started from my menstrual period cramps which was late for two weeks, no wonder the pain i’ve never felt before. So many words, so many supports, yet the internal pressure was still way too overwhelming, blame me.

By the way, thank you for my parents for taking me for a refreshing, which is a an outing for a lunch and a cinema watching. Terminator: Dark Fate was a rather gay movie, my mother and i love Grace. As soon as i arrived at my home at 4 p.m, i watched ‘Doctor Strange’, since I missed Benedict, been almost 12 hours since i watched a historical movie with him in it. In 6.30 p.m, i watched the first episode of Patrick Malrose. Truly aesthetic, and raw talent of Benedict Cumberbatch. Got the laugh and the opposite, the irony, at the same time.

Update for today: I am still not able to identify myself well. I am still being the emotionally unstable girl i am. But at least i got: a certain piece of peace. I enjoy liking some genuine tweets through my 2nd acc twitter without bothering the existence of myself (by tweeting), i enjoyed scrolling down to tumblr regarding The Imitation Game theme after i watched it 1 hour ago. I still have no idea what i’m going to do with my studygram. I still have no plane for the next photoshoot, expectantly soon, or not, based on my to-do lists for this week which are the most that i’ve ever had for this semester + my new ‘idea’ about 2 hours studying with 30 minutes of break, in which in the break i’ll do anything that i like, genuinely like,but not, the first idea of what i’m going to for the break is the realest one for me, and the second one which is to fill in my flashcards with medicinal chemistry structures or pharmacokinetics formula are the most insane one. Level of distracted:I forgot the first idea. Level of distracted: i didn’t pay more focus on the to-do list, instead, the 2 hours study and 30 minutes break, the break..

Today i visited a friend of mine who currently stays in a mental hospital. It was discovered yesterday that she is a bipolar. This friend clearly has a brilliant mind and has the perfect spirit and potential of being a good pharmacist. Coming from a rural place didn't hinder her to develop herself in such a prestigious university.

Regarding her mental disorder, she claimed that her phase of bipolarity usually came when she's alone and all of her minds come in one time which caused her phase to come.

I do realize that being alone can be dangerous from some people and today, it convinces me more about how important it is to keep someone accompany. Yes, some people can be very introvert, but i guess you can notice it by how excited she/he is by the existence of a certain situation. As the result, they might be the real introvert or.. an extrovert or ambivert, which means that your help and accompany can be helpful for them. Keep your accompany as lowkey as you can and keep your ears and shoulder available when they need it.

For me, the moment when i can be helpful for someone is the best moment in my life.

It was 11 p.m and somehow my deppresive state were back although the mid term season was over.. I usually find some motivations through some studygram in IG. But this time, i decided to watch sm videos which were made by several studyram. I ended up watching some videos by some pharmacy students studygram which are: TrangsAdventures and WanderJess. These are the things that i just learned from them:

1. 𝐁𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 (I have Acer Windows 10, my parents, and Allah)

Be sourceful by using what you have to its maximum functions. Most of the current students who make digital notes are using ipad, and there's me who don't have any Apple products. Fortunately, i still can use OneNote which exists in Windows Store since the most common digital notes app, GoodNotes and Notability, are available in Apples products only.

2. 𝑬𝒙𝒑𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒄 𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆, 𝒂𝒔 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂𝒔 𝒊 𝒄𝒂𝒏 (so i can sit the damn of my ass for a long time (in which i should, in order to pass,survive,in this pharmacy lyfe🙃)

3. 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. Might be cliche, but its true. No matter how strong the will of your parents or your friends to motivate you, it won't work if you don't have any will for what you're going to achieve..

4. 𝑶𝒏𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒎 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚. The inspirations that i got from youtube were like ten times from those that i got from instagram. I might have a studygram but for the first time in my lyfe, i didn't matter the numbers of the upcoming likes and followers. If i'm going to use it, i'm going to use it for my study tract HAHA. Don't forget with the timelapse

5. 𝑬𝒎𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒂𝒛𝒚𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔! Im not good at note taking, being productive and nice, but at least i try (my best!)

New Study Inspo

From TrangsAdventures youtube videos, i learned that:

- we can use OneNote for daily college notes♾️

In her video, she teaches us how to manage our OneNote. So basically OneNote works the same as our notebook/binder, but in digital. It has sections for each of our subject and sub sections/sub topics for a syllabus.

- a creative track for our daily productivity, expenses, moods, and scores🌈

A track is something which is a must for me, since my mind is way too abstract, like i do think about lots of stuff but i have no idea how to connect and sort it in my mind, thus i do handwriting notes for my studying bcs some people don't need notes since they have a great cognitive ability, like they can sort things methodically. Also, my psychologist also suggests me to write down anything which bothers me or something which confuses me so i can get the real depiction of some stuffs.

Although it is important for a certain people (includes me), making a track could be so difficult to apply daily.. Thus, the creative design can be so helpful for keeping up with our progresses.

From WanderJess i learned that:

1. The voice that the studygram people listen on their study vlog are not music but their lecturers audio 🙃 (prob my friend sandra has been knowing this eversince when thus up till now she always recorded everything)

2. Steps on making a brief notes:

1st step. in ms.word by using lecturers' slides: make the headlines -> screenshot the main pic -> write down exactly what the lecturers wrote (so we won't waste our time)

2nd step. In note digital writing app (for me, OneNote) (do not do it in Ms.Word bcs the file will be so big..) -> elaborate the pic, some definitions, mechanism, etc.

00.53 a.m //

Friday should be a blessed day, but for me, friday is the day in which i messed up the most. Like im trying to hold on in the whole week, and when it comes to friday, instead of reading kahf, doing the other daily sunnah prays such as duha and hajat, i become a messed up by not doing even the fardhu prays from ashr, till isya, ignoring my mother calls and suggestions to get myself the evening bath before i slept for like 10 hours because of the 1-2 hours of sleep on the night before which made my day become more unproductive. Waking up with these unmotivated, messed up feelings, all stressed out in Saturday morning.. Being a good daughter for the whole week but when it comes to friday n saturday, i ignored my mother, she's not even the pushing type of mother, and here i am. Again, just proving myself how instable my mentality is, how childish i am.

I realize that, all of the good acts that i did for the whole week were done because i had goals to accomplish and i believed that by being arrogant to our parents and God would be the boomerang at achieving my goals thus i'm trying to hold on and doing my best on my behavious for the whole week. The contrary from what my mother had been advicing 'Do something with all of the sincere, not because of your goals.' and she's right because yes, it doesn't sound ambitious, but it clearly leads to a peaceful life. Human were made with different mentality. Being ambitious is not the best trait for some people and people who disagree with not being ambitious should embrace it. The same reason why kindess is the ultimate standards for me for embracing people.