Uncle Iroh's Shop of Tea and Wisdom

My friends, sometimes the weight of the world is too much even for your uncle, and all we can do is find shelter, build a nice fire, and try to weather it together.

Hopefully nobody minds me breaking kayfabe for this one, but I am a bit tired to try and catch this one in character, but I want to be sure to get to this one since, as some followers may have guessed by now, the actual human behind this blog also has a chronic illness which is why sometimes there are MASSIVE gaps in posting, so this subject is near and dear to my heart (even down to the traumatic former employer, actually).

Anyway my first piece of advice is to PLEASE use your sick days within the bounds of your employer's attendance policy. Learn from my own past mistakes - don't sacrifice your health for perfect attendance out of fear unless you absolutely have no other choice. If you're sure your boss is someone you can talk to, it may be worth letting them know you are looking into your health and want to work with them on some kind of action plan to take care of you while not jeopardizing your job (I've had some employers who were VERY understanding about this in the past, it just depends). If you don't know your boss well enough to be sure, keep it as vague as possible. Need to know basis. If you don't know if you can trust them yet just bring it up as "there are some things coming up that may require me to be absent more than normal" and work out a plan from there.

Depending where you live there may also be laws that protect those with health conditions - if you are in the United States what you are looking for is FMLA. It's been a long time since I went through this process, but either your employer's HR office or your doctor should have forms available to fill out detailing your needs. Basically I ended up having a conversation with my doctor where we detailed out roughly how often I expected to be absent and why. Your employer may or may not require a doctor's note for each absence. Mine started off not requiring it and eventually did (it was the traumatic employer in my case so they liked to change the rules on me).

My more understanding bosses at other jobs often didn't require paperwork at all, just to be notified as soon as possible when I needed time off, so it really depends on who you're working for.

As for your friends, I think sometimes we don't give our loved ones enough credit. I am now in a position where I can't work at all and my partner has been covering our expenses for... oof about a decade now I think. The nagging worry that I am a burden still comes up, but the fact is the people who really care about you will not see it that way. Have a conversation with them about what you're going through. Work with them to adjust the balance in your household. Communication is key in any cohabitation situation, whether it's friends or partners or roommates who are near strangers. I know society often tells us everyone's going to hate us if we can't contribute in specific ways, but the people who love you can surprise you.

Ah, my friend. You are not alone in your fear. The best advice I can give you is to remember that only by standing together were the people able to stand up to the fire nation as it tried to conquer the world. The Avatar's greatest skill was in uniting them, much as it is tempting to think he alone could have ended Ozai's long reign of terror.

Your community is all around you if you know where to find it. In the meantime small kindnesses can do more than you realize. They quietly add up, and even if you can only do a little, it is worth it to make things just that little bit better than they were before.

This isn’t really a question so much as it is just a nice little message. I always see you giving advice to people who need it, and I understand that it can be heavy to shoulder all of these stories. I want you to know that I and many others appreciate your advice. Thank you for always listening.

Also, I recently got some Darjeeling tea and I’m excited to try it!

Ah! Darjeeling is one of my favorites! I hope that you enjoy it!

I could really use some advice right now. My best friend of 9 years suddenly decided to end our friendship because I've been going through a really hard time with my mental health and distancing myself from everyone so nobody has to suffer witb me, also because they had feelings for me that I was unaware of till now, but I'm also in a relationship which they knew about and have been for the past 3 years. I'm just so angry at them right now cause they were a big part of my life for so long. How do I stop feeling so angry all the time 😞

I understand your hurt, although if you are willing to be patient with an old man, I would perhaps like to offer some additional guidance before we speak of your anger.

I know that when you are struggling, it feels like the best thing to do is avoid sharing that burden with your friends. Like they are better off without your troubles. But what you must understand is, these people are your friends because you matter to them. Your troubles matter to them. Pushing away harms not only yourself, but it harms them too. There is a difference between dragging them down, and allowing someone inside the space of your sadness of their own free will. Many times the kindest thing we can do for our friends is to let them help us when we are suffering.

Now, to your friend. I cannot say why they left precisely. It may be that it hurt them to see you suffer and not be able to help, if as you say you were keeping your distance. As for their feelings… sometimes these things do not make sense. Some people can have romantic feelings for someone and learn to put it aside. Others find it more difficult, and perhaps your friend tried for a while and found it painful. But at the end of the day, we can only control what we do, not what others do.

You are allowed to be angry. Take the time you need with your anger, but do not let it consume you. Breathe with it. Turn it over in your mind and try to learn what it is trying to tell you. Anger is often a protective emotion, and it is up to you to determine what it is trying to protect - sometimes the answer truly is that it is protecting yourself. Sometimes, as was often the case with my nephew Zuko, anger is only trying to protect your pride, and you must break through it to see the path ahead.

You've been so helpful in the past so I figured I'd ask for your help once more.

My partner has had a really rough childhood. They now have crippling complex PTSD which makes them unable to work and finish their studies. They have been on medical leave from work for the past 6 months and won't get back to work in the foreseeable future. It's not easy for them and it's not easy for me as someone who loves them and cares for them but we talk it out and manage to work out most of our difficulties together.

I'm concerned because I come from a family that is truly loving but at the same time have really right winged opinions, especially concerning work and being dependant on social services. They also believe in a lot of harmful stereotypes concerning mental illness.

They seem concerned for them and ask me about them a lot but I'm really scared of how they'd react and treat them if they knew they're not going to graduate and get a job and will pretty much be depending on me financially.

I'm scared my family will reject them or feel like they're not good for me. I just want everyone to get a long and for them to support me by supporting and accepting the person I love. I know I couldn't confront them if they ended up thinking all those bad things I fear because they wouldn't be upfront about it, it would just be an agressive and uncomfortable climate (which it already kind of is sometimes)...

I don't want to mention my fears to my partner because they're already going through so much and would be so hurt if they thought my family would reject them. I really don't know how to navigate and if I should trust my family or my instincts.

I think your partner needs to be included in whatever you decide to do in this case. As it is their reputation you are concerned for, your partner would best be able to tell you whether they wish your parents to know, or keep quiet, and which parts of that information they wish you to share.

As for confrontation, I know it can be concerning. But if your family is being unjust, and it is safe for you to refute them, sometimes it is, in fact, better for long term harmony to stand your ground. You do not have to do so unkindly, but these things have a way of festering, if you intend to maintain a relationship with your family.

I could really use your advice if you can spare a moment. I’m a young lady in my late 20s and am currently engaged. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, but I find that I’m unhappy. For some time I questioned why I was so unhappy when this should be a joyous time in my life. I found the reason for my despair when confiding in a friend. In truth I had lost sight of myself while trying to please my partner. I had pushed aside things I loved and values I held close just to make things work, causing me to feel empty. I’ve confided in this same friend several times now and find that I’ve become attracted to them, possibly due to the fact they share the values I have. This friend accepts me for who I am, even the pieces of me that have become broken and crumbled. I know I should leave my fiancé and work on bettering myself before starting something with someone else, but I’m afraid. Part of me wishes to tell my friend how I feel, even though I know I should take time to find myself again. I suppose I’m afraid that if I don’t say something my friend will find someone else. I’ve questioned telling them I like them and asking them if they’d be willing to wait for me, but that seems a selfish thing to ask. I’m also afraid in regards to leaving my fiancé. Change is not easy and I worry how he will react when I say I need to leave. Any wisdom you can provide me is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Your Niece

Only you can truly know your own heart in this matter, but it sounds like you are worried the most about losing yourself to someone else. You did not say whether you have tried communicating this issue with your partner, but I believe that, at least, may be the first step, even if it still leads to leaving him. That is, if it is safe to do so. I do not know all of your situation. But it sounds like you do not feel he will listen to you, and if that is truly the case, it is better to know now than to continue waiting. If you have been living together, relying on each other, it may be more difficult, so take what steps you need to and make sure you have a plan in place.

My dog had to be put down 2 months ago, and my roommate's dog (who I kind of adopted as a little bit of my dog too) had to be put down 9 days after. This happened awhile back, and I thought I was processing it okay, but recently, I've hit a wall where I just feel sad and exhausted and miss them so much it physically hurts. I know I did my best taking care of them, and it was the right thing to do for both of them, but I can't help but feel that there's a portion of myself that's dead now and I'll have to carry this weight for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to live with this much grief?

Thank you again for the tea, and thank you for listening

I understand. There is a hole in your heart where those dogs used to live, and the shape of it will never fully be the same again. Recovery from such grief is a slow process, and it is not linear. Sometimes you will be doing well and then something will tear the wound wide open again. In times when you would have sought them out for comfort, it can be even harder.

You are not wrong. A piece of you did die with them - the piece that was you-when-you-are-with-the-dogs. Everyone who enters and leaves our lives will give and take a little, and pets are no different. But you still have that piece of them in you as well. You hold onto it. You cherish it.

Grief does not disappear, I am afraid. But the pain becomes less sharp over time. Two months is, after all, a very short time in the grand scheme of things. The "firsts" will sting. Anniversaries of things you remember. But it will dull. Still hurt from time to time, but you will be able to see through the hurt with greater clarity. You may find that on the anniversary of their deaths each year you feel sad even if you don't notice the day, and wonder why until you are reminded. This can happen years later. It is worth taking that time to slow down and remember what joys you can.

You do not learn to love yourself right away. Not if it is so difficult. Begin by learning to tolerate your own presence. To accept that as a living being you have the right to exist and be cared for. Eventually as you learn what caring for yourself looks like, you can work up to liking yourself. And understand that the path can be winding. Even after you someday learn to love yourself you will have days you hate yourself, and it does not mean you have lost all your progress. It simply means you are human and working through your emotions.

I suspect you already know the true answer, but I will add my insight:

You will never know if you do not ask.

But you wish to go into this prepared. So I think perhaps it would be wise to reflect upon what it is you truly want. These others he has rejected, were they able to remain friends with him? Are you worried you will lose it all if you confess, or merely that he will not reciprocate your crush? You must decide what holds the most importance, and let go that which you cannot control.

If you believe you can confess your feelings to him and remain friends if he does not return them, you lose nothing that you already have, but stand to gain more. A rejection can sting, but never taking the chance is like an eternity of rejection.

im wondering so far what is the best rn, giong with the flow or making my own way?

When we seek to do good things in the world, it is easy to get caught up in the idea that nothing we do is ever enough. It is easy to compare yourself to what others are doing. But you must remember that everyone has different strengths, and different ways they are able to give. Just because you do not donate does not mean you are not doing enough. Every small ripple can help to change a tide.

In spreading the word, do you not increase the likelihood that it will reach someone who is able to give what you cannot? That is not nothing.

Some people find they work best by donating. Some work best with information. Some prefer to go out to marches and protests, or directly contact the people with the power to make change.

First, let me reassure you that group projects are terrible for nearly everyone. I believe they were designed in ancient times as a way to torture students.

...Alright, maybe not. They are, at times, good at helping you to learn to work with others you may not otherwise get along with. But usually outside of class when you encounter this situation you will at least have some manner of appointed leader, and I think that helps.

As for the loneliness, this often happens when one reaches the middle of university schooling. It is often a time of leaving the old self behind, but it can take time to know who you really are away from all the things you grew up with.

Believe it or not, it wasn't always so easy for me to make friends either! I used to be a very different person in my youth. But I found myself. I learned what interested me and chased down those things. And you've seen how my nephew changed from being isolated to having trusted friends, because he took the risk and opened up.

You see, that is what young people are often not told - that it is alright to chase your whims and see where they lead you. Is there a club whose subject interests you, even if you are not certain you can commit? Go to a meeting. See how you like it and if the people there appeal to you. If they don't, do not go again. Go someplace else next time. But if they do... keep going back. Even if you struggle to speak up you will become a familiar face, and sometimes someone with more confidence will talk to you instead.