Fic-Bits

every episode that involves an alien doppelganger is cut short when the wolves declare attack mode

same for every episode that involves someone being sneakily infested by a goa’uld. like. the wolves could smell it and they’re psychic. although it’s less “attack mode” and more “every wolf in the mountain surrounds the person snarling until the humans figure out what’s happening, attack as necessary”

OH GOD HATHOR

it’s early in the stargate program, no one thought to check the random homeless lady for a goa’uld or to at least make her pass a wolfy sniff test, they have learned

honestly this starts pretty much the same way, maybe hathor has a slightly harder time controlling the wolfsibs, but no one was prepared for someone quite as subtle and targeted as hathor

except when all the men are under her control all that’s left is the women (who are terrifying) and the ten furious wolves ( who are fucking terrifying)

ok the episode ends with hathor getting away through the stargate and she shows up again in s2 but I’m pretty sure that in this universe the wolves just straight murder her. like, all the humans are distracted with saving the other humans from the pit of gua’uld larva but the wolves have a mission, ok? and that mission is the mission wolves have had since the beginning of time. kill the monster

(so the military likes to pretend that their wolves totally don’t form packs and they 100% obey human chain of command and everyone lets that fiction stand as long as it doesn’t cause problems)

(danny’s sister, angie, is the only bitch wolf in the stargate program. she’s tiny. she’s not part of the military chain of command. everyone knows this and the wolves do not care)

(it wouldn’t have been a problem if hathor hadn’t taken every wolfsib out of commission, but she did, and the wolves were left to their own devices to solve things. it’s not immediately noticeable but it is A Problem)

(mine angie says. YOU STOP THAT danny says)

I feel like they end up with a really different relationship with cimmeria? like, wolves have such a weird place in norse mythology and cimmeria is pretty thor-centric. they get treated really differently when they first arrive there in any case. 

any time there’s a alternate reality plot the other reality doesn’t have bondwolves. GOOD LUCK EXPLAINING THAT ONE DANNY.

“ok all those words you just said are great where’s my sister.” “your? sister???” “.....the wolf?” “what”

there’s a running gag where every time they meet a more advanced alien species they think angie is running the show and the humans are just there as backup (and portable opposable thumbs). some of them are easier to convince otherwise. some of them will just not be convinced

the nox get there eventually but the tollans keep trying to negotiate with angie. sometimes it’s kinda doubtful who the asgard are helping

THE WHOLE T’AKAYA AND XE’LS THING IS AN EVEN BIGGER CLUSTERFUCK

so the planets inhabitants trust them way easier because they’re traveling with a wolf, CLEARLY a sign that they’re good people

but it’s not like t’akaya  and xe’ls trust anything, so the same body switch happens with SG-11

CUE ATTACK WOLF MODE

seriously the entire thing just devolves into an ugly slugfest where SG-1 is super upset that their men were replaced with doppleganger spies and the planets inhabitants are upset that SG-1 just attacked their spirits.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS

any time there’s an “alien traps SG-1 in a virtual reality” plot it immediately gets ruined by danny

“all that sounds great where’s my sister” “your? sister??” “....the. wolf.” “a. ha. a ha ha. yes. the wolf. *desperately makes an illusion of angie* there she is!” “nnnope. not my sister. wait, wait, guys, she’s talking to me. shit! we’re in a computer simulation again”

oh jeeze the entire two part s2-finale/s3-opener completely falls apart because of this.

“it’s 80 years in the future, you’ve just come out of cryo-freeze, and everyone you know is dead” “that’s awful where’s my sister?” “....we just told you? every one you knew is dead??” “but she’s still alive? I can feel her???? look, guys, she’s looking for me, so whatever is going on here seems great but could we raincheck until I find my sister again?”

WAIT SHIT THAT WAS THE HATHOR RETURN EPISODE!

oh man there’s that one episode where a princess uses a sarcophagus to mess with danny’s head? GUESS HOW LONG THAT LASTS

there’s an episode where invisible aliens infiltrate cheyenne mountain and boy oh boy the wolves Do Not Like That

and then the episode where a dying alien body-swaps with danny. all the suspense goes *poof* when angie and all the other wolfsibs are there to vouch that not-danny is really, really not danny

wait, how many episodes like this are there? shiit, there’s a couple of them, I might as well start a new count :/

ok, all episodes where an alien device directly messes with someone’s head just go off the rails

tbh the asgard help out way more in this universe. they like humans and all but the wolves are theirs in a way that nothing else really is.

AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST 3 SEASONS

I’m going to straight up declare that bondwolves were made by the asgard. there was some asgard/goa’uld conflict on earth way back when and the asgard designed the wolves as a way for humanity to self monitor for goa’uld and protect themselves (without the asgard actually having to, like, explain things to humans or anything. explaining things would just be silly) the wolves were left behind after the great alien-god exodus (the svartalfar are def a weird offshoot of the asgard though) trolls and wevryns are probably also leftovers of this?? 

there are a few ways wolves could work with stargate in general but I have a really hard time imagining a universe where there are that many wolves in the air force/space program. I’m also pretty sure that most wolves would hate the stargate. planes? they can handle that, they (as a species) have gotten used to that. they’re good. spaceships? weird, super weird. maybe five wolves in total have made it to space and the zero gravity thing was super cool but man getting out there was hell. (and it’s so far away from other wolves, the pack sense is barely there. no, wolves won’t stay in space for long until you can get an entire pack out there) the stargate though? a giant screaming hole in reality that drops you so far away from any other wolves you might as well be the last one in the universe? hate. straight up hate.

which is a long way of saying that, even after expanding to include teams from the army and marines, very few wolfsibs make it into the stargate program, and even fewer stay. (the ones who stay are... very, very odd. they make their own little clique, SG-k9 or something) which means that SG-1 probably doesn’t have a military wolfsib. what they have is a runt wolf bonded to an archaeologist who’s used to being alone

(angie was going to be a military washout anyway. she’s a good 15lb under the weight requirements and they were just going to put her out to the reserve, so when she somehow managed to break out of her puppy compound and climb on top of some poor kid just clawing his way into gradschool and declare mine, people were more relieved than anything. they threw breeding opt-out forms and suppressant requisition forms at the guy and called it a day) (I also personally find this the funniest thing. just imagine danny going through a phd program with a bondwolf? “I swear she can behave please just let me in the library” poor danny) ((also also danny gets into the weirdest situations that would be most impacted by having a bondwolf))

(kowalski’s brother maybe hunted down a new shiny stargate recruit. kowalski’s brother maybe crawled on top of jack, his mine quieter but no less determined. kowalski’s brother 100% stays in cheyenne mountain come hell or high water)

because bondwolves are an asgard thing the goa’uld didn’t bother to take them when they populated other planets with humans. this causes.... different problems than they anticipated but less than expected. like, there are def planets where it’s just normal to travel with animals. a lot of what they find is pretty hunter-gatherer still so having a wolf along just makes sense they rarely have to explain angie at all. but sometimes they find a planet where wolves/wolf-equivalents are an omen of ill fortune or a sign of evil or traveling with one means they’re witches and, well, those are always bad trips

ALSO there are no secrets between wolves, and wolves have no concept of ‘classified’. as soon as the wolves actually understand what’s happening with the stargate every wolf in the entire US armed forces know about it. and, like, none of their sibs think much of it, because wolves have a tendency to chalk everything science related up to “magic” and surely whatever is happening at cheyenne isn’t actually aliens and it’s not like the wolves have a reason to bring it up anyway, but hammond is very frustrated at how many newly recruited wolfsibs shout “I knew it! someone owes me $20!!!”

tbh danny ends up being super good friends with all the cheyenne wolfsibs. like, he’s technically outside of their chain of command and technically angie shouldn’t even be considered in the wolves’ pack structure (and if she was she should be a barely tolerated-weakest-member) but nothing is normal at stargate command. all of the stargate wolfsibs are spacey, lonely weirdos and all of the wolves have a terrible temperment for military service and danny isn’t quite the dad friend but he hideously overidentifies with each and every one of them. and, like, no one talks about it but they low key would 100% start a mutiny if danny or angie said so

jack finds the whole psychic wolf bond thing weird. so weird. he’s really fine with being the only one in his head ok, thanks. (in the worlds where kowalski’s brother bonds with him, he grumbles heavily but never actually protests. bonding his friend’s widowed-wolf is a totally different thing, ok?)

sam is pretty neutral on it. like, she wouldn’t be opposed to bonding if a puppy took a shine to her but she’s not going to actively volunteer to hang out with puppies the way some people do. she always wanted space more than anything else and every one knows how wolves feel about space. (now that space is so easily in her reach, now that she’s touched it, she’s maybe a little wistful for what she never let herself want. she thinks she’s too old to bond a puppy anyway)