ick

okay, general thoughts on the changing dynamic of Chris and Benji.

since Benji came into the picture, i imagined him and Chris having a sort of distanced relationship.originally, Chris was going to find out he existed in this 20s, then it was going to be because Benji got fed up up  and left himself, or was skirt-chasing or something. i don't entirely remember, in all honesty, but it's been a lot of things over the last three-ish years.

the only constant was that their relationship, their brotherhood, would be tender (in the meaning that it's fragile, or cautionary...however you see fit)

not too long ago, in a half-abandoned tumblr draft, i came to the idea that Benji was a staple and something would happen to cause the connection between them to be severed. (apologies to both Chris and Benji for being the first siblings i chose to sacrifice, haha). Benji cared for Chris' mom like his own, finding more connection between their mothers than their actual shared father. Benji would be someone who is strong and contrarian…and angry. 

his complications come in the form of anger towards his father who left  to start a new family, but none of that anger was carried on to this new  mother and child. he would try, as a younger man, to be angry at them, too. he refused to keep contact, refused to be in the life of people that were chosen over him. until he realized a few things. 

1. that they were largely innocent, like he was. their dad was the one to blame, the one who decided that what he has wasn't enough and chose find that greener grass. he had no commiment to Gina, either, as they were an unmarried couple, saving their money to get a real wedding rather than running off to the courthouse on a random tuesday. Gina was hurt and Benji was hurt, but it's more complicated than that. 

and as for 2. well. Benji saw it was revenge, to some degree. he thought, "well, my father doesn't want me, so you know what i should do? involved myself in ways he never could." and took an active role in Chris' life. 

it was here that he came to love and appreciate this secondary family, though the anger at this father never faded. his father may have led him to this point in his life, but Benji refused to be his son, finding more kinship in Ronnie as a second mother than his father as an actual parent. 

(this sort of "revenge to the parents" care is something Kit models as well, though theirs is a little more complicated and only tied to their younger siblings. they could not care less about their parents, and almost expect to become a guardian in life.) but this relationship came to be too good, too solid, so i needed a new catalyst. Benji, now, would never leave on his own and Chris' grief by itself would never stand to be reason enough to leave. so all this additional involvement became more key as all three men were forced through the grieving process, and forced through it in different ways. two, who lost a mother, and another who lost a partner. exploring how their grief and life situations prior to this moment is meant to inform how they process tragedy. and here, i find, it's finally becoming some effective (and a guilt that lives with Chris for years, until he finally reaches out). 

here's the tumblr draft, BTW. please excuse how awful it sounds, haha. 

When mom got her diagnosis, Chris had almost wished he had gone with her to the appointment. Almost, because he wasn't sure what he would've done, how he would've reacted. Almost, because it was just supposed to be the usual follow-up.

Dad wasn't able to go, citing work, and Chris had to go to school as usual. Benji went with her instead, offering to drive just in case.

He knew the moment he got home that something was wrong.

Entering from the back door as usual, Chris slipped inside the house and dropped his backpack on the floor, wiping his damp shoes on the rug. Benji was standing in the kitchen, hunched over something at the stove, and Chris stopped in his tracks. The door fell closed behind him with a dull thud.

Benji half-turned around then, raising his right hand in greeting. "Hey, how was school?" When his face fell upon Chris, there was a tight smile on his lips, bringing Chris' attention down to his brother's tense shoulders and stiff movements.

"Fine..." he drawled, the 'i' dragging out. "What's up? Is everything okay?"