Scraps Of My Life

Haven't posted in a while. Spring is finally here though nights are still so cold. There is no rain, which is very very bad for this dried up country. We need water desperately.

I'm wasting so much time. By neither resting no working. I need some real changes and a good plan, and - the hardest part - to stick to it. Today I feel kinda exhausted and a bit ill so I'm taking time to stay in bed and think about everything.

Also I got to this time when you look in the mirror and suddenly notice all the aging signs and you were not prepared for it, and there is some kind of grief attached to it.

anyway, have some forest:

I'm kinda fed up with winter already, but it doesn't seem to end yet. I mean yeah it can be beautiful sometimes, but. The cold. The temperature.

PICS BELOW THE CUT

I saw beaver dam that caused river above it to freeze, I saw billions of "snow fleas" (a species of springtails), very cute though in terrifying amounts. It was cold (the coldest morning it was -20C) but now it is much warmer and I think that such low temperatures are not coming back this winter. I also saw a funny dog (papilion), sitting in front of the bakery.

I read book about badgers and I loved it, I love badgers and my new goal in life is to take them off the list of game animals in Poland (there is no reason to shoot them, they are just doing it for fun, those sick guys that just enjoy killing).

I spent this week alone.

On my birthday I wanted to drive for a coffee, of course to the gas station because where else. Just some little celebration, you know, so I won't spend all day at home. And I was caught by traffic radar, because I forgot it was there. So there is a chance that I gave myself some really expensive "gift" for my b-day... (I heard that not every ticket is send to the drivers, so I pray what it won't come, but honestly, it made me so sad I wanted to cry... I spent my b-day alone, no gifts, no "loved ones", nothing, and then this thing... but lets hope it won't come.)

tomorrow is my birthday. 39th birthday which means i’m entering the 40th year of my life. Feels quite serious tbh. i’m planning to lock in for 5 month. I’m scared because I always failed when i tried to lock in. But this time it is really important for me and my future, at least this is how i perceive it.

and when I say „lock in” I mean productivity, but it is not on the first place this time. The most important thing that I want to focus on, is finding peace. Finally getting to the place, where i am not anxious all the time and not searching for another threat all the time. i need to get rid of all distractions. No games, no instagram. I’m not sure if I will give up tumblr. I’m thinking about treating it as a reward, lets say if I succeed through the entire week, then i can do some tumblring on Sunday. I want to post, not only consume. Maybe some weekly summaries with pictures from the week.

i don’t want to get too ambitious and then crash and burn in two days. But at the same time i really need change. I was really wasting time and neglecting everything lately, including myself.

If i succeed for these 5 month i would like to reward myself with Miss Dior perfume.