existing

My friend works two jobs and doesn’t tend to specify which one he’s talking about, so he’ll say stuff like “a lady died at work today” and the rest of us have to play a fun little game called Nursing Home Or Yankee Candle.

Today he goes “someone threw a candle at me at work >:(” and I think I can finally reliably pin down one of his anecdotes but nope! It was the wretched nursing home!!!!!

Why can’t I stop watching this

I swear to god I’ve watched this like fifty times and I can’t stop laughing

He l p m e

I forgot I reblogged this to my main and I’m dYING

I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT ASL ONE BEFORE DOES ANYONE HAVE A LINK TO THAT BY ITSELF?

@d3ath-of-a-strawb3rry

“i can leave the door open while i’m cleaning my bathroom,” i reasoned to myself. “surely my beloved cat, Meatball, isn’t dumb enough to try and jump into an open toilet full of Clorox”

i caught this tiny-little fool MID-FUCKING-AIR. i watched him start leaping and time literally slowed down. and then he had the audacity, the NERVE, to beep indignantly at me for ruining his plans

ok so the other day i was at sears. I was in the baby section. Im standing there looking at clothes and a lady who works there comes up and is like “oh are you expecting?” And i was like “uhhhh” and because im a dumbass i was like “no i already delivered.” And she was like “How long ago?” And i was just like “two weeks.” And she said “wow! You look great! When i had my first son, i looked like a mess for six months. Is it a boy or a girl?” And i was just awkwardly like “a girl….” And she asked her name and i said Chernobyl and she was like “oh what a cute name! It sounds really familiar.” And i honestly just stood there going through all that and pretending i had a human baby two weeks ago named Chernobyl because i didnt wanna tell this poor lady i was buying baby clothes for my fucking baby opossum

every time i see this text post i forget the ending and every single time it decimates me

I think next thursday is gonna be the best day of my entire life tbh

reblog for next thursday to be the best day of your life

not risking it

Bitch next Thursday i start school

I reblog this when ever I see it

That will be the Second day of working at this new job 😱

Next Thursday is my birthday xD