I Am Dr. Dominant

Time For a Break

I sat down at My computer Sunday evening, May 27th to write a post that has been in my head for some time and the words never came. I am never one who is lost for words but I was last night and this was a clear sign for Me. I mentioned this to @exasperatingbutnot​ and told her that I thought it was time to take a break from My writing. I could tell she was struggling with this message and then she made a suggestion, “Can You write about Your comment that we are so much more than just a D/s Couple?” That seemed like a good suggestion and so I did. And the words began to flow.

For those who follow My blog and/or ebn’s blog, you know this most recent period has been a rough one for us. We are currently struggling to keep us alive. Our relationship itself remains strong but the distance between us has continued to grow - from 4 miles in year one, to 938 miles in year two, and now 3,125 miles as we navigate year three. In the end, I believe we will succeed in maintaining us. A love like ours is that once in a lifetime kind of love. One does not let that go easily and I believe neither she nor I will give up on us - and certainly not easily.  

But all of this wears on a person and I am emotionally exhausted. I am mentally tired and I need a break. When the words don’t flow, it is time to stop. And so, I am taking a break from writing for a while. I have an active mind and it needs rest. I still have much more to say regarding My views on Dominance and submission, but for now, I am mentally spent and need some time to focus on closing this distance and saving My relationship with ebn. I considered continuing to post the eight completed posts in My drafts, but I just don’t have it in Me. They will just have to wait until I return; and they may not even be appropriate when I return. 

At present, I can’t say when I will start writing again. The last time I took a break, it lasted three months. For My followers, to be clear, I am not deactivating My account, I am just pushing the “pause button” for a bit. I will still be around (behind the scenes) in Tumblrville reading and learning from others. Feel free to message Me from time to time if you like. Be assured, I will still check-in on some of you as well. I will still be around to answer questions that are sent to me. I just will not be actively writing and posting original content.

Finally, I wish to thank all of you who have sent well wishes and positive thoughts our way. ebn and I are very appreciative. Wishing all of you in Tumblrville the best. I’ll be back in a bit...

(Generalized) Characteristics of Dominants and submissives

Dear Anonymous, from the nature of your question, I surmise you do not know much about the D/s lifestyle. This is not an indictment, but rather an observation. I applaud you for seeking information and I am happy to share with you My perspective regarding your question. Before I do, however, I would like to encourage you to continue your information gathering efforts particularly if you are interested in pursuing this lifestyle. It is not for the faint of heart. While these relationships are extremely rewarding, they are equally challenging and often judged negatively by the greater society. Ironically, I believe this “misjudgment” comes from a lack of what you are seeking – a basic understanding of what it means to be a Dominant and a submissive living a D/s lifestyle.  

With that said, the easy way to address your question is with basic definitions that offer characteristics of each term. I provide these below. However, you took the time to submit your question to Me, and so I feel compelled to take some time and provide more to you than Google definition data. Thus, in addition, I will offer you My personal assertion of “the” 5 innate needs / characteristics of Dominants and “the” 5 innate needs / characteristics submissives. I put “the” in quotation marks because these are simply My beliefs and may not  (and in all likelihood, do not) all apply to all Dominants nor all submissives.  Finally, I will point you to writings – some from Me and some from other Dominants and submissives – that have sought to capture behaviors and/or characteristics of Dominants and submissives. The links to the referenced posts are included and the opinions expressed in those posts are those of the authors. With this, you should leave this “answer” post with a good understanding of some of the characteristics of a Dominant and a submissive.

Finally, I need to say the information here is by no means all inclusive. I encourage you to also seek answers to this question from other Dominants and submissives as they will undoubtedly have different views, perspectives and opinions.

Below is the definition of dominant from Google definition data:

So by definition, to be Dominant is to be important, powerful, influential, ruling, commanding, supreme, and authoritative.

The definition of submissive from Google definition data is below.

To be submissive is to be compliant, yielding, acquiescent, obedient, and dutiful.

Those are the textbook definitions. But being a Dominant or a submissive is so much more than those simple definitions.

What I Say About Dominants and submissives

In My post  The Psyche of a Dominant, I list My five basic needs (i.e characteristics) that led me to the D/s lifestyle – My need to lead, guide, support, protect, and control.  To sum, My need to lead others is rooted in wanting to help others reach their full potential. I need to lead because I am fulfilled by helping others reach their maximum potential. I need to guide because I want those around me – those in My life – to see more than I have seen, experience more than I have experienced, do more than I have done, and be better than I ever was. I have a general need to support those who and that which matter most to Me to ensure they are well, successful, and do not suffer in any way whatsoever. I have an inherent need for equality and equal treatment of all people. This sounds altruistic, I know, but as a result, I desire to protect those more vulnerable than Me. I have an utter disdain for uncertainty. I hate surprises; they represent uncertainty. I am convinced My need for control arises from My need to minimize the level of uncertainty in My life.

I am not a submissive and so I cannot speak knowledgeably from the mindset of a submissive.  But I read a lot of what submissives write and listen intently to my submissive, @exasperatingbutnot, who has enlightened me through her own journey of self-awareness. Additionally, I have had other submissives in the past from whom I have learned as well. So while I may not be a submissive, I think I understand the submissive psyche fairly well. With that said, I believe there are certain core psychological needs (i.e characteristics) that most, if not all submissives possess.They are in no particular order (and may not be limited to) the need to give, the need to please, the need for safety, the need to trust, and the need to follow. Giving and pleasing are linked but are distinctly different. Giving centers on deriving value from offering support so that others may benefit. Pleasing focuses on deriving value from helping others feel good. Trust is interlinked with feeling safe. Both influence vulnerability. Following is about personal freedom - from decision making, from worry. It is about “breathing” and just letting go. (Excerpt from my post, The Science of D/s)

What Dominants Say About a Dominant’s Characteristics

@dominantacademy posted an article entitled Qualities of the Dominant that listed traits of a Dominant. These were trustworthy, honest, communicative, disciplined, knowledgeable, flexible, and committed.

Additionally, I have written several articles sharing additional views on Dominance. Me and I am Easy. Easy is Me both describe My personality characteristics in great detail. Of course, not all Dominants are like me, but these posts do offer a view into the Dominant I know best. I have written Introducing the iDom, a post that suggests Dominants are (or at least should be) individuals of intelligence, intuition, influence, and inspiration. Finally, I have authored The Gift, which offers other characteristics of Dominance such as being stress relieving, comforting, purposeful, and fulfilling to a submissive.

A submissive’s perspective on Traits of a Dominant

@bdsmbeautifullybound​ posted an article entitled How to Spot a Dominant sourced from http://www.bdsmdigest.com/ that suggested Dominants possess the following characteristics: respectfulness, balance, depth, competence, pace and are communicative and consistent.

How Dominants describe Their Ideal submissive Characteristics

My post, A Strong submissive Needs a Stronger Dominant gives My perspective on some of the traits I have seen in submissives – being meekly fierce, loathing conflict, disliking confrontations, not being boastful, and “sometimes” lacking confidence but yet having personal strength. In My post she is all sub, I note characteristics of giving, serving, being smart and multidimensional as submissive characteristics. Finally in My Ideal submissive Personality, I describe characteristics I prefer in a submissive - intelligence, awareness (of self and others), sincerity, determined, communicative, service-oriented, and meek.

In answering the same Mini Prompt that led to My Ideal submissive Personality, @messyhairmaster describes empathy, shyness, and an ability to command a crowd as submissive characteristics He seeks.

What submissives say about submissive Characteristics

@fuckmethroughthesheets offered a post that gave 10 reasons she was a submissive. Among them were the enjoyment of serving and pleasing another, craving structure, needing guidance when off-track, wanting accountability and a bi-directional, give and take relationship and finally, and enjoyment of being told no.

@submissive-housewife​ posted a piece that described how to tell if a girl is submissive that listed her views on the characteristics of a submissive. In summary, a submissive likes gentlemen, can be feisty, is a good listener, will follow other’s lead and decisions, is eager to please, and enjoys traditional gender roles to name a few.

Again, I wish to emphasize this is not an exhaustive list of characteristics of Dominants and submissives, but rather personal perspectives from a handful of Tumblrville writers who have written on this topic. Ask a different handful of writers for their views and you will get a different set of characteristics. Nevertheless, I hope this helps you in your quest for learning and understanding. Please feel free to ask Me other questions about the lifestyle if you wish.

For those whose posts I have referenced, I have tried to summarize your content accurately. If you feel I have misrepresented your comments, please let Me know and I will happily modify and/or remove your reference and content accordingly.

Differences

I am black and you are white. We are as different as night and day (no pun intended). If we were cats, I would be a lion - big, strong, and bold; you would be a cheetah - demure, sleek, and slight. If we were blades, I would be an ax - blunt, heavy, and masculine. you, on the other hand, would be a scalpel - sharp, light, and precise. We are different and I like it that way.

you are shy. I am sociable. you are introverted. I am extroverted. you are artsy. I am analytical. you are a northerner. I am a southerner. Our differences even go beyond our physical presence and extend to our likes, personalities, and beliefs as well. you like sweet white wines. I like heavy dark reds. you like to “go with the flow”. I like to plan meticulously. you believe in God. I don’t; I believe in science. you like to help others. I like to help you. We are vastly different, you and I, and that’s OK because I like it that way.

you are a submissive. I am a Dominant. you need to please. I need to control. you need to feel safe. I need to protect. you need to give. I need to guide. you need to trust. I need to support. you need to follow. I need to lead. We are different, you and I, and I like it that way.

you heed My guidance and follow My direction. That makes you feel relieved; it makes Me feel important. you ask for My help which gives Me the opportunity to place you above all others to help you. This makes you feel important and makes Me feel valued. Relieved and important for you. Important and valued for Me. We are different, but in many regards, we need and feel the same. I like that too. 

Balance

This Prompt question hits home for Me. I have touched on this subject before in My January 3rd post entitled The Value of a Strong submissive. However, because of its importance, I am compelled to circle this wagon again, but this time, from a different perspective.

While My prior post was not written specifically to address this or any other Prompt, it does essentially answer this question with a few specific examples; @exasperatingbutnot​ helps Me stay grounded, honest, healthy, and through her submission, helps keep Me accountable, respectful and Dominant. she inspires (i.e. helps) Me be My best. With this said, I do not necessarily look TO her to help Me in these areas. This “help” just happens naturally. However, there is one specific area where I do actively seek her assistance and this is in keeping me BALANCED.

In Congruence, I give a description of Me through ebn’s lens. “she regularly tells Me I am an intense individual with tornado-like qualities in that she describes Me as a force to be reckoned with, particularly if I start swirling, or worse, spinning. By this, she means I get a combined laser-like focus and unyielding determination to do what needs to be done. I am self-aware enough to know that when this happens, I tend to stop at nothing to accomplish whatever task is in front of Me, sometimes leaving a train of (I think [mostly] minor) destruction in My wake.”

In The Problem Solver, I described Myself as follows: I am a tornado and I tend to approach most things aggressively and thoroughly - sometimes too aggressively, perhaps. I want what I want when I want it and so I am probably not as cautious as others when solving problems.

In Rain on Me, it was  “… a raging storm of twisting humanity…”

In 80 Hours in Montreal (Day 2), I described ebn and I in this way. “I am a tornado. she is a gentle breeze. I am firm. she is flexible. I am direct. she is diplomatic.”

I am sure you are seeing a trend here. I have a “swirl” quality to me. However, I am self-aware, and therefore I am not reckless - she would not tolerate reckless. But, because of her gentle, empathetic, and diplomatic nature and My self-acknowledged tenancy to “spin”, I DO look to ebn to help Me maintain BALANCE.

In I am Easy. Easy is Me, I speak in detail about my personality. My world is black and white - digital if you will; I don’t do shades of gray. I don’t do middle ground very well, either. I don’t tolerate idiots. I tend not to deal with the nonsensical nor the illogical. ebn helps Me see the shades of gray in My black and white world. she helps Me identify compromise/middle ground when I must. she helps Me find the empathy that IS buried within Me when dealing with others. she helps Me seek sense in the nonsensical. she helps Me discover logic in the illogical. In a nutshell, she helps me most by bringing BALANCE to My life.

I am Easy. Easy is Me

I am a Dominant. I have high expectations of Myself and equally high expectations of others. Unfortunately, more often than not, I am disappointed in the actions and/or behavior of others. @exasperatingbutnot “often” tells Me that My expectations are stringent (My word; she calls them unreasonable) and that not everyone lives by the same standards that I do. In response, I “often” remind ebn that I am easy - easy to deal with, easy to satisfy, and easy to please. As you may have deduced  by now, ebn disagrees with Me on this point and “often” responds to My assertion of being easy by telling Me I am anything but easy. It was out of one of these conversations that this post was born. I decided to lay out My supporting arguments in prose for her to reconsider her assessment.

IADD: (via phone) Would you like to see the artwork for My next post? I just finished it.

ebn: Sure.

IADD: (sends the “easy button” artwork displayed above).  My title is, “I am easy. Easy is Me.”

ebn: (laughs)

IADD: What is so funny?

ebn: It isn’t true!

IADD: What do you mean it isn’t true? I am “easy peasy.”

ebn: No! You’re not! John (not My real name), You are many things; easy is not one of them. 

IADD: Why do you say that? Yes, I am straight forward. Yes, I expect a lot. But everyone always knows where they stand with Me. Thus, I am easy.

ebn: John, there is nothing easy about You. If you don’t believe me, ask Your mother if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your sister if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your daughter if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your ex-wife if she thinks You are easy. You are adorable and I love You, but, You are not easy.

IADD: Hmmm… Well, I am going to write My post anyway because I think I am easy. 

ebn: Ok, You do that. I can’t wait to see it. When You do, I will write a response to set the record straight because You are NOT easy.

With that said, here goes…

I have always thought of Myself as easy. Simple and easy; that’s Me.  Admittedly, I am consistent and firm in behavior, direct and straight-forward in communication, structured and disciplined in approach. I will also acknowledge that I am “challenged” by anything that is nonsensical and/or illogical, people who or activities that waste My time, and poor customer service. Also, I don’t do well with idiots, narcissists, those who are disrespectful, nor those who project their personal biases onto others. Finally, I like clearly defined action plans that include completion timelines. That’s Me in a nutshell. But, surely these things do not  make Me “not” easy. From My perspective, they simply make Me consistent, firm, direct, straight-forward, structured, disciplined and intolerable of that which is nonsensical and/or illogical, time wasters, poor service providers, idiots, narcissists, people who are rude, and bigots. Surely, that’s not all bad, especially since I am generally polite in My dealings with others, including those I detest. Besides, My action planning makes Me efficient. That has to be good for something!

Because of their service orientation, restaurants are a terrific example to explore this further. I am absolutely easy to please when in a restaurant. All that needs to happen to satisfy Me is those in the restaurant need to do what they are supposed to do. It really is just that easy. Easy peasy, in fact. But what often happens is My patronage is taken for granted in some way and this I will not accept.  Here are a few examples.

I take My steaks medium-rare. Anything beyond medium goes back to the kitchen as often as necessary until they get it right.

I hate lemon in my water and always request ice water - no lemon. If I am brought water with a lemon, I decline the glass and remind the server of My request for water with no lemon.

Servers with attitudes have their managers told not to send them back to My table. I leave it to the manager to find an alternative solution.

I am always polite but I never settle for mediocrity. I am easy to please when in a restaurant. All the staff has to do is what they are supposed to do. It is just that simple.

Below are a few more examples.

I hate the use of the word “try”. Trying to Me only represents effort and effort may or may not produce results. I am action oriented and results driven. My vernacular choice is, “do” rather than, “try”. Trying tells Me nothing. Moreover, I despise unbounded commitments. If someone commits to competing a task but can’t tell Me when they will complete it, that is the same as telling Me they may or may not honor their commitment because open ended tasks may or may get completed. Simply tell Me what you will do and when you will do it and I am satisfied.  See… easy peasy.

I prefer things to be digital - meaning black or white (i.e. no gray), on or off, in or out, 0s or 1s, please. One is either pregnant or not. There is no such thing as “half-pregnant”. ebn, on the other hand, tells Me all the time, my digital world is unrealistic - that the real world is a blend of shades of gray. I will explore this last point further in my post tomorrow. Nevertheless, I strive for digital clarity in all things at all times. In fairness, I am not always able to achieve this level of clarity, but I definitely push for it and in doing so I push others to be this clear when dealing with Me. As you may have ascertained by now, I despise ambiguity and uncertainty. Be clear with Me and I am happy. Once again, easy peasy.

Lastly, I utterly dislike the phrase, “I don’t know”, particularly when I know the person I am speaking to really does know the answer to the question I am asking. I am astute enough to recognize that “I don’t know” is often code for “I prefer not to talk about this right now”. Sometimes I accept this answer and sometimes I do not depending on situation or circumstances. In either case, I aim for clarity of communication in the moment or at a later time. “I don’t know” is never left unchecked. Easy peasy.

So, let’s summarize: As long as you are not an idiot, a narcissist, a person characterized by having race, gender, religious, nor ability biases, or disrespectful; you don’t waste My time, you don’t present nonsensical nor illogical ideas or conclusions to Me, you do more than simply try and actually do what you say you will do when you say you will do it, are crystal clear in your communications with Me, and don’t tell me “I don’t know” when you really do know, I am easy and easy is Me.

Dear Anonymous, first, thank you for your question. Givenits nature – that being one associated with a psychological behavioral healthcondition characterized by neurochemical imbalances – I think you are betterserved by seeking guidance from a licensed psychological clinical practitionerwhose expertise is dealing with sex addicts and partners of sex addicts. Short of that, a quick internet search with the terms “being in a relationship with a sex addict” will yield a generous amountof easily interpreted search results that will provide you with information from “experts”on the impact(s) of being involved with a sex addict. To get you started, hereis a list of FAQs forPartners of Sex Addicts that was published on https://psychcentral.com in 2016.

What I am more comfortable commenting on is yourcomment regarding his lying. Great that he told you about his sex addition. Notgreat that he is lying to his therapist regarding his treatment protocol. If Iwere in your situation, this would concern me. Perhaps you can encourage him tobe as open with his therapist as he is with you because his therapist cannot treat what his therapist does not know. With full disclosure, histherapist may be able to modify his treatment protocol to mitigate the “sideeffects” of the prescribed therapy. Best of luck to you and yourpartner.

Tumblr Porn is NOT Dominance & submission

Yesterday (Sunday, May 13) was no different than any other day. Upon waking, I did a quick check of my Google feed to make sure the earth was still rotating effortlessly on its axis. It was. Check. Ordinarily I check my email, but since it was Sunday, I put that off for later. Check. I did a quick scan of my overnight Tumblr notifications; my latest (somewhat controversial) post is still getting notes. Check. Finally, I started scrolling through my Tumblr feed looking for stories or images I could relate to and perhaps learn from. I found very few. Instead, I was bombarded by pornography - and lots of it - and all of it posing as D/s. No check. 

I continued scrolling for what seemed like forever. Every so often, I saw something and commented to Myself, “Yep, that’s it.” But more often than not, I commented, “good grief”, “that’s ridiculous”, or “how absurd”. Most of what I saw bore no resemblance to the real world of D/s with which I am familiar. In fact, if one were to take my Tumblr feed from yesterday morning as the D/s gospel, then one would be inclined to believe: 

submissives readily and eagerly yield to aggressively violent full penile anal penetration. I am no expert here, particularly on the receiving end, but shouldn’t this hurt? Maybe I am wrong, but I would think pile driving someone’s anus like that routinely displayed on Tumblr would hurt!

submissives eagerly deep throat and completely swallow fully hard cocks with remarkable ease. Again, I can’t speak to the “giving” side of this act, but I do wonder why the Tumblr portrayal of submissives never struggle, choke or gag? Things that makes you go, hmmm?

submissives stop “growing” at age 18, stop aging at age 25 and have flawless (i.e. airbrushed quality) skin. Don’t quote Me on this, but I am pretty darn sure that since there are more women over age 30 versus under age 30, and since women tend to become more self-confident and comfortable with age, there must be more submissives over age 30 than under age 30. And no one regardless of age is THAT perfect.

submissives routinely prance around in 5 inch heels to accentuate their birthday suits or scantily clad in lace birthday suits. Who walks around naked in 5 inch heels? Again, I am no expert in kneeling, but why would anyone want to kneel while wearing spike heels? Seriously?

submissives bend like pretzels and swing from the rafters shibari-style. Who am I to say? Perhaps some of you s-types out there are super flexible, flying dare-devils. I could be wrong here, but I am guessing the majority of you, however, are not.

Now, lets move to the left side of the slash.  

Dominants prefer to dress in French (Double) cuff shirts as they “Dominate” those flawless, 5 inch heel clad submissives. Really? I wear shirts with French (Double) cuffs in My professional life. Trust me, I am not wearing them when I am doing My Dom thing. This is absurd.

Dominants don a black custom tailored suits (with French cuffs, of course) when “handling” a submissive. This one makes me laugh. I wear suits to work. I tend not to wear a suit during My intimate moments of Dominance. Why would anyone want to? This is just crazy!

Dominants keep their submissives dutifully at their feet, licking said Dominant’s  fully clothed crotch, clutching His suit pant leg in awe of the Oh Mighty One, or bowing so close to His spit-shined shoes, she may as well kiss them instead of Him. I have no words. Just shaking My head. Just shaking My head.

Dominants are experts at decorating their submissives in the most elaborate, runway worthy shibari rope designs. Some of you D-types may have this level of command of the rope. If you do, you are more skilled than Me because I certainly don’t. As stated in Bound, rope has a functional purpose for Me. 

Dominants all have the hardened, chiseled body of an ancient Greek god - complete with “six-pack” abdominals, of course. Well, I am sure I don’t have to twist any arms to convince you that not all Doms frequent the gym nor have six-pack abs. On the contrary, I am sure many carry a spare tire or two and are just as Domly as the next guy. Just saying…

To be clear, My purpose here is not to initiate an anti-Tumblr porn campaign. To this, I say each His and/or her own. In fact, I have My own collection of Tumblr “porn” which I collect for Me on My Spanking page and My Art Collection page. However, it would be nice to see more real life depictions of Dominance and submission on Tumblr. These are sophisticated relationships with complex and fulfilling dynamics. Let’s do them justice and represent them more appropriately. 

These are My thoughts on the subject. Perhaps I am out in left field all alone on this one, and if so, I am OK with that. I would love to see your thoughts in the comments.

1,000+ Followers, 10 Months of Writing, 112 Posts and Still More to Say...

Wow! 1,000 followers! Who would have thought? Certainly not Me! Trust Me, I was amazed when I crossed the 500 follower threshold back on January 23rd. Now to have crossed the one thousand mark is remarkable.

I write primarily for @exasperatingbutnot, slowly exposing more of Myself to her through My writings. This helps her understand Me. It helps her be vulnerable to Me. It helps us be us. On occasion, I write for or about Me. With these mostly introspective posts, I seek to plow through the storm and unravel the puzzle that is Me. In some cases, I write for you, the reader, sharing our stories in the hopes that someone out there who may be struggling in a similar way finds solace in ebn’s and My experiences. And then there are times I write to enlighten and/or educate - to help those who may know or perhaps may not know they need educating on the dynamics of Dominance and submission. Of course, I am no expert on D/s, but I am willing to share what I have learned throughout My journey. I am honored that so many of you have gravitated to My contributions to the Tumblrville D/s community. Thank you. I am thrilled that My writings and contributions have inspired others (you know who you are) to write and contribute as well. Thank you; I encourage you to continue exploring you and your relationships, and to continue contributing to the D/s dialogue through prose.

To celebrate achieving this 1,000 follower milestone, I have again reconfigured My blog (I enhanced it at 500 followers as well) to include subordinate blogs, which can be followed in their own right, that improve My blog’s structure and makes it more easily searchable and the content easier to find. Each subordinate blog categorizes and houses the links to My posts, posts that I reblog, or D/s oriented Music, or images of unique erotic art that I find attractive. Again, I thank all of you for supporting My writings, My blog, and for all of your well wishes to ebn and I as we navigate this journey. The links to My subordinate blogs are below.  All the best to you and again, Thank you all!

-IADD🌪 (© May 11, 2018)

Links to My subordinate blogs which house the links to all of My posts

All About Me - Links to My posts explaining who I am, why I am, how I am, and how I think.

General D/s Posts - Links to My posts covering various D/s concepts and topics.

To, For, or About ebn - Links to My posts written specifically to, for, or about @exasperatingbutnot.

ebn Writes / IADD Reponds - Links to posts ebn has written and for which I have commented and/or responded.

A Day in the Life of a Long-Distance D/s Couple - Links to My posts included in My “A Day in the Life” Series, which highlights many of the day-to-day dialogue and interactions between ebn and I.

The Prompts - Links to My posts that address questions from The Dominant Prompts.

My Poetry - Links to the poetry I have written to ebn.

My Art Collection - My digital collection of unique, artistic erotic images.

My D/s Music - Links and lyrics to genre-agnostic D/s oriented music I find appealing.

Answering Asks - Links to My posts that answers your questions or responds to your comments.

My Reblogs - Links to post written by others that I feel are extraordinary in one way or another.

D/s vs Vanilla

A collection of observations from My personal experience in having been involved in both D/s and vanilla relationships or having observed the behavior of others. As a disclaimer, I am in no way “defining” right or wrong behavior. All relationships are unique. All Dominants and submissives are different. Your experience(s) and observation(s) may be different from Mine.

Leaves for work in the morning…

Vanilla: (Light peck on the cheek) “Have a nice day, Hon.”

D/s: (Passionate embrace, perhaps even tongue exploring) “Meet you back here at 6pm, Babe!”

Walking down the sidewalk…

Vanilla: Anyone’s guess who takes the curb side.

D/s: Dominant takes the curb; submissive takes the wall. Always!

Walking together anywhere…

Vanilla: Maybe hand holding… but not likely.

D/s: Dominant holds submissive’s hand (with his on top and hers underneath), or places hand in the small of her back or on the nape of her neck. Alternatively, submissive locks arms at the elbow. Or dual arm around waist embrace.

Getting things done…

Vanilla: “I’ll get around to it.”

D/s: “It will be done today.”

Working though an issue…

Vanilla : “What’s wrong with you?”

D/s: “Have I made you upset?”

Deciding where to go for dinner…

Vanilla: “Where would you like to go?”

D/s: “We are going (here) tonight.”

Having dinner in a restaurant…

Vanilla: Your phone has your undivided attention.

D/s: Your partner has your undivided attention.

Clearing the dinner table of stacked dirty dishes…

Vanilla: Everyone fends for himself or herself.

D/s: Stacked dishes are heavy. Dominant carries dirty dishes from table to kitchen.  

Expressing disappointment…

Vanilla: … … … … (withdraw with silent treatment).

D/s: “I am unhappy with you and here is why.”

Giving a compliment…

Vanilla: “You look nice tonight.”

D/s: (Grabs her ass and pulls her in close). “You are so Mine!”

Walking up stairs…

Vanilla: Parties walk side by side or random determination who leads.

D/s: Dominant walks behind submissive so that He can help her if she trips and stumbles.

Walking down stairs…

Vanilla: Parties walk side by side  or random determination who leads.

D/s: Dominant walks in front of submissive so that she can brace herself on Him if she trips and falls.

Approaching a building door…

Vanilla: Whoever gets there first opens the door.

D/s: submissive waits for Dominant to open all doors. Always!

Entering of exiting a vehicle…

Vanilla: Everyone fends for himself or herself

D/s: submissive sits patiently in vehicle and waits for Dominant to exit vehicle and walk around to open her door.

Investment in the relationship…

Vanilla : Both partners give 50-50, at best.  More likely it is 75-25.

D/s: Both partners give 100-100; otherwise D/s doesn’t work.

Sex…

Vanilla : “Honey, can we have sex tonight?”

D/s: “I want you now. Get undressed and go wait for me. Now!”

Orgasms…

Vanilla: She fakes them half the time.

D/s: She climaxes at Dominant’s discretion.

Falling asleep…

Vanilla: “Good night, Hon.” (rolls over and goes to sleep)

D/s: “I am so in love with you. Come here; I want to feel you next to me as I sleep.”

Saturday mornings…

Vanilla: Get out of bed immediately upon waking.

D/s: Take in your partner as they sleep. Plan your day while in bed together. 

Accountability for personal behavior…

Vanilla: Little to none, particularly over time.

D/s: An absolutely requisite all the time.