Thoughts

Not long ago I received a gift from the man I love that says “you are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. Smarter than you think”. With his strength behind me, I began to feel it.

Not long after, the man I love left. No real explaination. No notice. No nothing… Mostly silence.

I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel smart.

If I was smarter, I would’ve seen it coming. I would’ve seen him pulling away. Maybe I wouldn’t have been completely vulnerable and open to him.

If I was stronger, I’d be able to hold myself together, and not feel like my stomach is in knots and my heart literally aching.

If I was braver, I’d be able to move on. Maybe want to see if there is a lesson in all this.

I feel anger. I was completely vulnerable. I shared intimate thoughts, moments and even secrets that I have never shared with anyone.

I feel sadness. I love him and his quirks. I miss him.

I feel lonliness. He was my best friend. I told him everything. Big and little.

I feel empty. I depended on him. He wanted me to depend on him. He said he needed that. And now I don’t have that.

He believed I was intrinsically submissive. I believe that is true too. I couldn’t get “there” 100% because in the back of my mind I thought about being 100% submissive to him and losing that. I was close though… Feeling this lost and lonely and empty, maybe 100% wasn’t something for me to give.

All I know right now is my world has collapsed around me. I’m not strong…

Can a man who is a Dominant fail? Can a man who is a Dominant completely reverse direction on every value he believed in and professed to others? Can a Dominant completely disappear in the face of extreme turmoil? Can a Dominant really leave a submissive, his “prized possession” completely alone and in the dark while he also flounders and struggles?

I know he’s only a man. I know he’s human. I know he has flaws. But was a truly a Dominant? Is he still a Dominant?

I have experienced submission only with him. Inherently, I know I’m submissive, but I’m not so sure I can ever return to the person I was with him. I believe I will never submit again. He has left so many unanswered questions. Did he truly love me as deeply as he said? Was I really a “prized possession”?

Can a Dominant enter such a world of mental chaos and turmoil that he loses all sense of who he said he was. Who he believed he was?

Do I wait idly while he finds calmness in his life? Do I continue to want the man back?

Do I accept that maybe I wasn’t as important as he said I was? Do I accept that the Dominant is gone? I don’t have the answers.