#tdpwriting

I wrote recently about how, looking back, I can see that I’ve always been submissive. Today I want to talk about how, looking back, I also can see that Sir has always been Dominant.

About meeting Sir for the first time.

I wrote in my journal that Louis L’Amour would describe Sir as the kind of man who would “make tracks in the land.” And that I didn’t know where Sir was going, but I wanted to go with him. (What can I say? I read a lot of Louis L’Amour as a kid.)

I could tell instantly that Sir was different from any other man I had ever met. He didn’t say much and he never interrupted. Instead, he listened and gave his undivided attention to the person talking. When he did speak, he was articulate and intelligent. He was soft spoken, but confident. It was hot.

On the day we met, one of my children said something about the possibility of Sir and I having a serious relationship in the future, Sir not only handled that gracefully but at the same time also strongly implied that he was interested in me, too. *swoon* I was half in love with Sir already, even though we’d only met an hour or two before, and I didn’t want anything to scare him away, especially not my young children saying things that embarrassed their mother!

About dating Sir.

After we met, Sir made it a point to see me or reach out to me every single day. Our first official date was only two days later, in fact. He made his interest in me unmistakably clear from the beginning.

I think back to other men I was involved with before I met Sir and, besides my ex-husband, there is one other who stands out in contrast to Sir. This other man, who I dated for 2.5 years, was unclear about showing his interest in me. He only ever sent mixed signals. Even all these years later, I can’t say for sure how he felt about me back then, whether he loved me or not.

But not Sir. I knew, or strongly suspected, within just a few hours of meeting Sir, that he was very interested in me. There was an intensity between us that’s difficult to describe, but I’ll try. When Sir spoke to me, he turned to completely face me - his squared shoulders were directly oriented to me, his gaze met mine, he let me be shy but continued to pay attention to me and engage me in conversation at the same time.

About family members turning to Sir for assistance.

Sir is, like I said, soft spoken but confident. Many people see past Sir, I think. He doesn’t brag, flaunt, or put himself forward. He doesn’t demand attention and I think because of that he’s underestimated by other people.

Sir doesn’t “dress to the nines,” so to speak. His clothing fits with the environment he’s in. Outside of work, he wears jeans and a T-shirt. At work, he wears sort of a uniform. At church, he dresses business casual like most of the other men. His clothing, while of good quality and appropriately fitted to Sir, doesn’t draw attention by its color, pattern, cut, or style. It’s not drab, it’s just nice-neutral.

When something is really wrong, though, he’s the one people turn to - people at his work, people at our church, people we went to college with, our families, our friends, our kids. My dad, a very proud Southern man, routinely asks Sir for help and advice. Advice! Even strangers will just... talk to him and tell him very personal things.

Sir exudes this vibe of safety and trustworthiness that I think everyone can sense.

About Sir earning my trust.

I had gotten tired of being in unhappy relationships with men who made me sad by being mean to me (ex-husband) or who made me sad by being unclear about how they felt about me (that other guy) and so on. So I started therapy. I had been in therapy for at least a year when I met Sir and then asked him to come to a therapy appointment with me (this was probably within the first 30 days or so after the day we met) so my therapist could meet him and help me explain to him about my trust issues. Folks, he didn’t hesitate. Of course he went with me!

I recently told @amysubmits​ I wanted to institute a strict bed time rule for her in a few weeks. She resisted strongly, but not wholly disrespectfully. She couched her resistance in a playful tone but her eyes told on her. I don’t think I ever faced that much resistance from her before.

It really bothered me. I felt challenged. She wasn’t disrespectful, but it felt like she strongly thought I was making a bad decision. But she also couldn’t satisfactorily explain herself. 

But I also felt overly-emotional, which made me pause and not lash out. We just left it there, both of us not sure of our own feelings. Both of us withdrew into ourselves to figure it out.

After a time and a conversation with a friend online she came to understand what her feelings were. She was having financial anxiety and having a bed time that might interfere on the margins of how much she could work struck that nerve. She is not aware of the details of our finances because of the abnormal amount of stress it causes her. To be clear this isn’t a rule, if she wanted she has access to all of this information, our money is in a bank account in both of our names, but she chooses to let me handle the responsibility because of the anxiety it causes her. All she knows is that this time of year is her best time to earn money, so her anxiety about money makes her work herself crazy. She realized she needed to get past her anxiety and to trust me. If I tell her she needs to have a bed time, it’s not financially dangerous, that she trusts me.

I’ve come to realize I was anxious myself. I was working on a business partnership and it brought up the realization that I could be a lot more successful than I have been if I stopped being so afraid of failing. My anxiety was not about fear of financial ruin, but feeling pathetic that we could have so much more if I didn’t let myself get in my own way. Something about striking that anxious nerve had left me reeling for days. It’s something I think I’m ready to change, but I know it’s going to be very painful to change.

I don’t think either of us handled it badly. Not ideally, but we didn’t whiff the ball. She had overly negative feelings that she didn’t understand, but she was not disrespectful. I took her reaction overly personal, but did not let myself blame her for my reaction.

When she couldn’t properly explain her feelings I should have realized those feelings were coming from an emotional illogical place, and then not take them personally. She just didn’t immediately wholeheartedly embrace my view. She needed time to process, and that’s ok if done respectfully.

I’m going to take a different tack with this. Obviously (to most) I’m not dominant, so I’m not the target demographic for these questions. But in an ongoing effort to show people that you can (and should!) generalize information to fit your gender and dynamic needs, I’ll flip things up a bit and answer the questions from my perspective.

Regarding disobedience, what is the difference between an excuse and an explanation?

The difference between an excuse and an explanation is where truth and intent lie. The foundation of our relationship lives in that space. Explanation is communication, while an excuse is, for me, a failure to plan, execute, or otherwise do something I knew I was supposed to do. I need my dominant partner to not only understand the difference, I need him to be attuned to the nuances that exist in a life shared outside the bedroom. Life throws curve balls, and that might affect my getting from point A to point B in a timely manner. But if that curve ball was caused by poor planning on my part… well, too bad! Should’ve planned better, girl.

More often that not, disobedience can be avoided by talking; if something is unclear or I disagree with it, I know I can’t wait until after to speak my mind. In the successful relationships I’ve had, I was always free to speak; I may not have gotten the result I was hoping for, but the communication left zero room for mishaps. I’m an honest person who knows what a successful D/s relationship looks and feels like. I need a strict partner, one who recognizes excuses and wouldn't tolerate them, but who also knows I don’t ever want to ‘get away’ with anything.

How do you handle each one, and is correction necessary when the explanation is valid?

I need someone who demonstrates consistency and follow-through. That’s it. If you’re wishy-washy, I’m out. I’ll lose respect for you (see: my last relationship); and if there’s no respect, the relationship is a goner. The punishment itself is irrelevant. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter - it absolutely does. I’m saying that consistency and follow-through matter more.

That said, use logic when dealing with an explanation. An excuse? Punish away! But if the explanation is valid, punishment might not be warranted. I didn’t drink enough water because the jugs were empty and I was too busy to leave work? Fine, 20% more the next few days to make up for it. I wasn’t supposed to spend any money but decided to bring cupcakes to the baby shower? Great, that was very thoughtful… but no cupcake for you, ask first next time. I was supposed to masturbate before getting out of bed this morning but I totally forgot? No problem. No self-pleasuring for the entire week. Wait, what-

Use logic. It came factory installed, use it.

Are there times when a submissive’s suggestions are helpful, or is topping from the bottom always unwelcome?

This is a logical fallacy called circular reasoning and it is W-R-O-N-G. That’s not what ‘topping from the bottom’ means. ‘Topping from the bottom’ is a manipulation tactic employed by a submissive or ‘bottom’ who acts in a certain way to elicit a particular result. The dominant or ‘top’ bases their decisions on information (words, body language, etc.) provided by the submissive, but the decision is tainted by choreographed/designed information. 

Example: I know when a belt strapping is really going to start hurting and, for whatever reason, I’m not up for it that night. Doesn’t matter if it’s punishment or play, I don’t want it. Instead of telling my dominant ‘I don’t think I can handle this tonight because ___ happened and my mind is in a bad place,’ I decide to ‘take’ the strapping for a few minutes then really amp up the crying - really get the tears going hard! - to make him think he’s affected me in a way he hasn’t. He stops the strapping sooner than typical; and yes, while stopping was his choice, he did so based on manipulated information.

Amy has often asked me the following question. What makes the responsibilities on my end of our 24/7 D/s relationship worth the effort? Why is it worth it to me?

She says that she asks that question because filling in my role of our relationship sounds like hell to her. I take on the stress of major financial decisions, it’s my responsibility to make sure we’re ok whatever comes. Her healthcare is prioritized over mine, things I need done are postponed for long periods of time so she can have the same things done. I need to show her I’m watching over her everyday, and know that she will be hurt if I ever fail to do so. Still the question seemed odd to me. From my perspective, I do have to take responsibility and make sacrifices sometimes but it isn’t something I’ve felt negative or painful about. I’ve never asked myself that question on my own. But really that just puts a finer point on the question, why don’t those things feel negative?

My first attempt to answer her question was to describe the pleasure I get from her sexual submission. While that’s certainly true and an aspect of it, that isn’t the core of my feelings. My second attempt was to describe the feelings of trust & power I get from our relationship. I was closer this time but again felt like I was missing the mark somehow. I was just making a list of pleasureful things I get out of our relationship, not describing why those things were worth the effort. It’s a subtle but important difference. If the answer is just the pleasures I get out of our relationship, why would I still not chafe at the responsibilities required to get them? If the pleasures were the animating factor, that doesn’t explain why there still wouldn’t be some part of me that was resentful of the sacrifice. That meant there was something about that responsibility that I found satisfying, but why exactly?

I didn’t fully understand my own feelings. We continued to dance around the question, each time I felt like maybe we were getting closer. After several conversations over a period of months I think I finally have a real answer. 

I deserve only what I’ve earned, besides human rights. And earning something, deserving it, makes consuming whatever it is more valuable to me. Working and sacrificing for something gives it meaning.

It’s hard to describe how much I value Amy’s submission. Earning something so great requires paying a great price. It requires putting her needs first. It requires being able to make great sacrifices.

Amy’s submission is so valuable that when we both feel that I deserve this thing that is so valuable, it makes me feel incredibly valuable.

It would of course still feel pleasurable to experience her submission with no effort of my own put forth, but to feel like I earned something so powerful evolves that pleasure into satisfaction. Knowing that Amy is not role-playing, that because of my actions she feels that I truly deserve to be submitted to is such an incredible feeling. A feeling of validation so immense that I do not know how to properly describe it.

@amysubmits​ and I were checking-out at a grocery store last Friday. We were picking up a few things, I was getting some alcohol as well. The cashier asked if she could see some ID. Sometimes they want us both to give ID, so we both went to pull it out. The wallet portion of her purse was gone.

Amy keeps her cards in a wallet in her purse. She must always know where her cards are at. I made this a rule because she would lose them all of the time. Irresponsibility like this puts us at risk of theft. If she was out without me and needed money for some emergency she would be screwed. A lot of our rules boil down to respecting me by doing the things I ask of her, or respecting herself by doing the things we both expect of her. But there are only a few rules that directly relate to her safety, that if broken leaves her vulnerable. This is unacceptable behavior.

We drove to the places we were at that day, looking for her wallet.  We could not find it.

We got home and there it was on the kitchen table. She had gotten it out for some reason and forgot to put it back in her purse. It wasn’t lost lost, but she didn’t try to argue that point. She didn’t know where it was when she needed it. She broke the rule.

We had a guest coming over in minutes, and a social event that was going to take up literally all of the next day. I told her I would spank her in two days. It was a long weekend. On Sunday I woke up, had breakfast, and then led her into our bedroom. I broke a wooden crepe spatula over her ass. Then switched to a leather paddle. It was an intentionally hard spanking. She cried, but she took it well.

My relationship with @amysubmits has become much more intimate since we started 24/7 D/s. We have set clear lines of control and protocol for us both, to filter out the anxiety that stems from ambiguity.

The human experience is tragic because we yearn for order in a decidedly unordered universe. To live is to experience a constant background radiation of existential anxiety, an unconscious awareness that we are not in control and are not cared for, we simply are. How we want the world to be and the way it actually is do not reconcile, and the space between manifests itself as fear and anxiety. What decides the trajectory of our lives is how we deal this space between. Do we let that terror consume us & seek pleasure above all else to soothe that existential pain, or do we try to reorder at least our small part of the world into what we wish it always was.

Our 24/7 D/s is an act of communicating to bring order to an incredibly complicated system. That system is a romantic relationship, how two unfathomably complicated and separate beings interact and share their lives as smoothly as possible. Through negotiation and dialogue we explicitly hammer out what we expect of each other and of ourselves, we codify it into a rule set. An explicit rule set for Amy, with punishments if those expectations are not met. While not quite an implicit rule set for me, certainly an expectation. An expectation to act in such a way that I deserve to judge and mete out those punishments. An expectation that I will always try to bring that just order to both our lives that nature has left us so wanting of.

@amysubmits wrote a post about an experience we recently had titled “Why Do You Like It”. While having her suck my dick I verbally walked her though her experience, forcing her to explore why she enjoyed submitting to me. 

The day that post happened, I was close to having an emotional breakdown. It’s been a particularly busy & stressful month or so. On top of that I’ve been helping my mom work through a bitter divorce due to a traumatic event. I felt thread bare that night, I laid on our bed and told Amy I needed a leg and back massage.

My sexuality during stress & depression is odd. I either want to fuck the pain away or fade away and not feel anything. I was feeling the latter, all I could feel was sharp emotional pain in my chest. But I wanted to try to feel good. I told her to suck me off.

We are relatively inexperienced at 24/7 D/s. We’ve been doing it for about a year now. Our 24/7 D/s comes with responsibilities, I get to sexually dominate her but I need to take care of her, I need to be aware of how she is doing, what she is doing, and hold her accountable to the rules we’ve set up. I’ve had this fear that in times of stress or depression I wouldn’t hold up this end of the bargain. That fear has come from the fact that when I’m stressed or depressed I have a tendency to not shut down, but slow down or at the very least really feel the weight of my responsibilities. That fear also came from a podcast we listened to a while back. I had searched for D/s or BDSM or some set of keywords like that and found a podcast of a longtime vanilla couple that was exploring the newfound D/s part of their relationship like we were. There was an episode or two where they talked about how during a stressful time the woman felt the D/s aspect of their relationship got set on the back burner. And even though they both communicated well in the podcast, it sure seemed like she was crying out in between the lines that she really needed him to be more present. She seemed so sad. I don’t know if he fully picked up on it. I’m lucky I found that podcast and learned from their experience so early in this part of our relationship, I may have had to learn that the hard way otherwise.

Amy gets easily spooked when I’m feeling down, and the night of that post I could tell she was concerned. So while I was having her blow me I thought I’d try verbally dominating her, to metaphorically yank on her leash, to remind her I was still here and aware and she didn’t have to worry about being taken care of. I started talking, asking her why she moaned while she sucked my dick, making her confront how and why she wanted to submit to me. It felt really good.