Huckleberry Spin

Rest in Peace, Tony.

I'll always remember your smile.

It Was Just This Once

Rating: E

Chapters: 1/?

Summary:

Professor Anthony, astrophysicist and author extraordinaire, got everything he ever wanted in life.

What about the demon Crowley?

Just this once, Crowley promised himself, reaching out with one hand and pushing it through the cool, thin film of reality. Just one little teensy time, and then he would be done. He’d promised he wouldn’t, but just once. Once couldn’t hurt.

Read on AO3

Special thanks to @quitequaintrelle for the beta!

(a/n below the cut)

it was all about crowley’s forgiveness of aziraphale, but never crowley’s admission that aziraphale made valid choices, too. throughout the show, aziraphale may have been flawed for acting like angels were superior to demons in efforts to keep him and crowley safe, but crowley is also flawed for always belittling aziraphale and calling him stupid/idiotic/etc any time he made a choice independent of their relationship out of some kind of protective instinct. i’m just so tired of the narrative that aziraphale’s flaws are flaws, and crowley’s flaws are quirks.

like what do you mean aziraphale is a “taker”????? he went back to Heaven to save all of humanity, yet he was characterized as selfish for it and no one ever stood up for him or acknowledged his attempts to stand up for himself. and in the end it was crowley who god gave the choice of what to do about the universe to, and whose idea it was to start a new universe for the sake of humans’ freedom. aziraphale sacrificed himself and his happiness FIRST with the s2 finale, but that choice was dubbed selfish whereas crowley was given the big moment to be self-sacrificing in s3 yet his choice is heroic. never mind the fact that aziraphale fought for the humans even harder than crowley did when he refused to run away in both seasons 1 and 2. no no no— aziraphale is lazy. crowley is a hero.

besides, to imply that aziraphale only “took” and demanded things from crowley is to entirely misunderstand their dynamic. crowley takes on a doting role in that relationship because he has been told that he has to be the symbol of evil— not even just a demon, but THE snake itself— and as much as he tried to convince himself otherwise throughout history, that’s NOT who he really is. caring for aziraphale gave him the chance to be vulnerable and loving; aziraphale loved him BECAUSE he was different from other demons, not in spite of it. we’re expected to believe that while crowley is a good person BECAUSE he’s not like other demons, aziraphale is a good person DEPSITE the fact that he enjoys food and is “lazy” or “prideful” or “gluttonous.”

furthermore, while i understand that throughout history aziraphale could have reciprocated crowley’s care more openly, let’s not forget that over and over again, crowley implies things like “they never check up” and “they love me down there.” while the risk of punishment and death is equally huge for both of them, the risk was always more likely to be a problem for aziraphale, who had heaven breathing down his neck 24/7 if he so much as used one frivolous miracle to save his own life. aziraphale kept them both alive for 6000 years by keeping crowley at a distance, yet he STILL showed up and gave him holy water— something that easily could have gotten him killed— and showed up for crowley however he could. their situations were different, and in season 1, crowley understood that difference. they had to go at aziraphale’s pace. but all of that went out the window when aziraphale was characterized as a selfish “taker” who abandoned his city and his soulmate rather than someone who tried to fucking save them.

don’t even get me STARTED on the scene between the two of them and God; the entire show has clearly indicated that, in different ways, aziraphale and crowley each have equal degrees of trauma surrounding God and her lack of communication with them. that’s what made their moments throughout the Job minisode so moving— they understood what the other was going through because they were experiencing the same thing. so why on Earth was the moment of God’s arrival given to Crowley and crowley alone?? aziraphale literally stepped aside to encourage crowley to ask his brilliant question, yet crowley didn’t offer aziraphale the same stage, and when god took it upon herself to address aziraphale, his question was exclusively romantic and had nothing to do with his own trauma surrounding heaven and humanity. aziraphale was reduced to crowley’s love interest, from the interaction with god to the fact that (nearly) every step along the way, it was crowley who figured out the next phase of the mystery first.

aziraphale has ALWAYS had ambitions outside of crowley— they both adore humanity, but it was crowley who always suggested that they say fuck it and run away whereas aziraphale stood by earth time and time again. so it makes NO sense that aziraphale wouldn’t ask god a question about anything besides his love story. that’s never been who he is. his love for crowley is an important part of his identity, but it’s not the only part. you wouldn’t get that if you watched that scene out of context.

and unlike the crowley we know and love from seasons 1 and 2, finale-crowley NEVER intervened to say something like, “no, angel. you are not good DESPITE the fact that you eat and dance and act hedonistically. you are good BECAUSE of those things.” aziraphale’s goodwill has always rippled out of small kindnesses— he stops crowley from abandoning a stranger in the street whom he just ran over with a car. his love of music caused him to forgive a tenant’s rent for free. his love of food gave him a connection with the owner of a local coffee shop and sushi restaurant. fucking BULLSHIT that he’s lazy or hedonistic “but” still a good angel. he’s a good angel BECAUSE of the things God criticized him for, not in spite of them. and even if she said those things with respect /teasingness, Mr. “I did not care for it” was SILENT during all the moments that implied that aziraphale’s interests and joys were flaws.

aziraphale is selfish for loving food and comfort, but crowley’s obsession with his car or plants just makes him funny and iconic. i kept waiting for crowley to intervene and say something beautiful about aziraphale the way that azi did for him in that scene, but nope.

and while i understand the argument i’ve seen some fans make that it’s religiously liberating for aziraphale to acknowledge that he is technically a sinner by biblical standards but is still good, my issue stems from the word “still.” he argued to god that she was right about him “BUT” he still always tried to do good. no one— not aziraphale OR crowley— pointed out that those things aren’t sins in the first place— they make him who he is. crowley is redeemed, in god’s eyes, for his creativity and curiosity, but his temper/selfishness was never addressed. alternatively, aziraphale’s so-deemed “flaws” were criticized, but his love for crowley is what made god appreciate him. and as sweet as that idea is, it’s also a version of synecdoche; it reduces aziraphale to his love story and nothing else.

and SPEAKING of aziraphale’s speech to crowley, while it WAS so sweet, i call bullshit on the idea that crowley was the “only” one willing to question, or that he “taught” aziraphale bravery. aziraphale has been THE bravest character on that show since Day One; the very first thing we learned about him was that he gave away his god-given sword because adam and eve were alone and scared, and aziraphale made that choice entirely without crowley’s influence. we also watched him look out for his fellow angel and warn him not to get into trouble BEFORE the Fall even happened— proving that deep down, aziraphale suspected heaven for what it really was before crowley even did. and then in the finale, we watched an angel who JUST saw what happens to deserters take off his own wrappings to help an injured demon who’d threatened him with his own blade.

aziraphale has NEVER needed crowley to teach him bravery; crowley taught him that the bravery he already possessed was nothing to be ashamed of. but to rob aziraphale of the same qualities that crowley possesses, to give him no ambitions outside of romance (ie “i only want one thing”), is to demote his character to crowley’s love interest, and not once in this finale did crowley speak up about it.

i think a lot of times when we have a queer relationship— even one like this in which neither being is gendered— fans subconsciously try to find a Man and Woman in the dynamic based on systemic heteronormativity and misogyny. so when we condemn aziraphale for his flaws but treat crowley’s as silly aspects of his personality, when we refuse to acknowledge that aziraphale might have ambitions outside of his love story (ie the Nate and Andy From Devil Wears Prada Effect), or when we claim that wanting SOME creature comforts for himself makes him lazy and prideful, we end up treating aziraphale exactly the way that female love interests are treated. and while i personally think that’s been a huge issue in the fanbase for years, this finale is the first time in which crowley acted that way, too. crowley actively mistreated aziraphale throughout this entire finale.

even down to the human versions of themselves: anthony is a published author, a teller of his own story (albeit not a particularly successful one), whereas that scene implied that asa didn’t even own that bookshop, he was a subordinate employee in it, connoting an inherent difference in power. and while i understand that “crowley” might be an easier name to adapt than “aziraphale,” something in me twinges sadly at the fact that he doesn’t even keep his own name in their supposed, reincarnated happy ending. and our very last scene of them involved crowley looking at the stars-aka HIS passion— and aziraphale bringing him a drink like some kind of housewife. whatever happened to all the fanon representations of the south downs cottage that was overrun with plants AND books? aziraphale’s personality was bled from his happy ending, and only crowley’s remained.