Creature of the New Page

I was talking with a friend yesterday about how dog-piling can disincentivize people from doing what is ostensibly being asked for (taking accountability, apologizing, promising to make changes to future behaviour, etc). which sucks, because there are probably well intentioned people out there who deserve all three of those things, but any sort of Statement just ends up dumping gasoline on the fire.

this is because: you are giving the worst people involved the attention they want, you're giving them Fresh Drama Content, and you're letting them know that you can be made to do things. it's not in their interest to say "alright, you've worded things a bit clumsily, but you're on the right track and we think you mean well," because that ends the party.

and if you're thinking, who cares about what randos on tumblr say, your main concern should be acting in accordance to your morals – WELL! if you're a creative whose income is tied to your online reputation, these sorts of campaigns can directly impact your ability to pay bills. which is very, very scary. and if you're any flavour of marginalized, you probably came onto a site like tumblr seeking community, and the thought of losing that community can be painful. in these cases, the best way to survive a dog-piling is "grey-rocking", or making yourself as boring and non-reactive as possible until their attention shifts to other targets.

So a while back I asked Twitter/bsky “Hey transfemmes (or anyone vaguely adjacent) what’s a non-medical thing you wish someone had told you sooner in your transition that you know now?” And got the following answers:

-For Black transfemmes in particular - Everyone’s care tends to be different, but for mine (between 3c/4a depending) I wash and detangle 1x/w with argan oil shampoo/conditioner and curly detangler brush, sleep in silk bonnet. Knowing roughly what hair type you have will help you find more care, find what’s closest from the following, but you may be between!

-Buy a pumice stone for your feet bc moisturizer alone isnt enough

-Go to an esthetician and ask for your eyebrows “cleaned up a bit”

-“More companies make different undershades of orange concealers, incl pinkier ones, at all price points. They can be used for all pigmentation, dark eye circles, shadow from hair growth etc. Your horomonal chemistry changing means softer scents smell different w long wear now!”

-“If you a newbie, neutral shimmer that matches your lids swiped up to your brows + light mascara brightens up the face w/out requiring a ton of skill/cash”

-“Use Lotion! Using a mild college girl scent will be good for your confidence and will ensconce the impression of "busy girl"”

-“You don't need as aggressive shampoo/conditioner/holding product. Trim your ends or your hair won't get longer. Cute hairpins + scrunchies are widely avail at walmart, daiso etc and can help pull together a casual look, and specialty designs can be found via Etsy”

-“Consider buying even one simple hairband for keeping hair/bangs out of face even when hair is in the awkward short-long stage while you do stuff like clean. “

-If you have curly/coiled hair texture look for larger silk scrunchies as smaller ones tangle in our hair easier!!

-“look, sad-lil babytrans asciicat, you'll never figure out how people have money to do all the things to be so pretty - don't even sweat it, just buy a bunch of cheap skater skirts and feel free to lose yourself in the joy of wearing them.”

-“Glasses help a lot to feminize the face. As always, there are exceptions but delicate round glasses help this. Take a lot of pics to find your favorite angles, raise your head and/or try not to slouch in your pics, posing and posture is everything”

-“one of my biggest self love discoveries: just take the damn selfie. even if you feel gross, just take it - you'll like it in a few weeks. also it's okay to have favorite parts of your body. take pics of it often”

-“That nothing more transformative for my self-image than just doing makeup/changing what kind of clothes I wear. First time I properly got to wear a dress in public, and later when I first did my own makeup, it really hit and stuck that I am a woman. And not a bad-looking one.”

-“if you not super confident with makeup, but want to start wearing it, it's ok to start small. try glosses. practicing simple eyelining. a dash of mascara. "less is more" is a great rule for makeup in general, and it's ok to take time to find a look that best suits your face”

-“Snug period undies usually have a wide gusset and extra layers of material, making them a good (and much cheaper) alternative to gaff undies for tucking”

-“Ask a fashionable friend with a sense of style you admire to go clothes shopping with you, to help you find items that fit your frame. Barring that, keep in mind that high waisted pants and dresses are typically a good place to start”

-“poise and posture and movement are a huge part of presentation and can be incredibly empowering but also really painful”

-“- eye cream. invest in the future

- non-comedogenic lotion (especially after shaving) for less ingrown hairs/happier skin

- eye makeup BEFORE foundation

- halter necklines are very kind to strong shoulder silhouettes

- crossover dresses have more play in fit than many options”

-“Accept well meant advice, but never let anyone tell you what is and isn't 'ladylike'. Also, Venus razors with those thick moisturizing blocks are magic when it comes to shaving any part of your body.”

-“Glasses are huge. Go bold; folks are gonna notice you anyway, it might as well be for something you chose. Get a haircut, even if you're growing your hair out. Hairdressers are wizards, and the shaping can make you look more feminine even if your hair's still shorter.”

-“I am cis but I come to you from years in the large women's shoes trenches, that you do not suffer as I have: Nordstrom Rack. Watch the calendar for the Large Shoe Event they have like twice a year. Zappos and its outlet 6pm are also pretty good, and Rothy's has extended sizes. Toms and Madewell also go up to size 12. Toms is known for the simple canvas flats but they also have cute,high-quality leather sandals and booties!”

-“if something gives you gender euphoria, DO IT, and do it a lot! you’ll quickly lose the initial rush of euphoria, but it will help you feel centered and whole. for me, nail polish and comfy dresses were super helpful for feeling feminine all the time”

-“curly/coily-haired cuties most likely already know but sleeping with a bonnet has been a game changer. as a straight-haired girlie, it keeps my hair from tugging as i toss and turn in my sleep, from getting sweaty, and my scalp doesnt get sore like sleeping in a bun/pony does”

-“the big ones for me:

1. you dont have to do makeup most days

2. you dont have to dress hyperfemme

3. washing your hair every day is not good

4. if you're confident enough, people wont question your gender”

-“This is so basic (and not directly trans related) but no-one ever told me to use body lotion as a kid. I distinctly remember asking friends how to deal with body acne, and I got tips for exfoliating, but I guess they just assumed I knew lotion was a thing already”

-“if a piece of costume jewelry or metal hardware in a piece of clothing doesn’t agree with your skin you can put a layer or two of clear nail polish top coat on the offending object”

What they did have was a single spare bed in the small, comfortable, quiet, wildly expensive facility for girls with eating disorders.

They asked each of the young women currently living there if it was acceptable that I might occupy a bed in one of the rooms for a while, just the long weekend while I was waiting for a doctor's evaluation. I hadn't been violent, I had gone with the cops without putting up any fight at all, and I was still and I was small and all those things were sufficient for me to be deemed safe. So up they sent me, to somewhere high in Western Psych, above the smells and sounds of the denser-packed wards, above where the care workers were harried and frustrated, to a gentle space with seven or eight young women in it.

I was five foot three, and I weighed about 115 pounds. I was underweight for my frame, as a fair amount of that weight was martial arts muscle; I would probably have been ten pounds heavier if I were healthy, with the amount of activity I got.

I was at least two inches shorter than pretty much every other young woman there, six or seven inches shorter than one of them, and I had at least thirty pounds on several of them. The tallest was not allowed to walk, she had to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed around, because her condition was so advanced that the motion would undo what good her hard work had done.

And over the course of the four or five days I was there, multiple of them came up to me alone to quietly tell me that I had the *perfect* body, and they wished they could be as skinny as I was. That I needed to live, because I was beautiful, and if they were as beautiful as I was, they wouldn't need to be here.

Their eyes were on me all the time, in the hours that I wasn't sleeping. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and we took our meals separately (I not needing to be monitored while I ate, and not having my food weighed), but we spent a fair amount of time sitting around in the little shared living room space, talking about movies and magazines and books we'd loved, talking about our families. I didn't talk about my family; they didn't pry.

They were all so fucking nice.

And I could have broken any one of them over my narrow knee. They each thought they were bigger than I was.

Their brains lied to them, every time they looked at a mirror. Every time they looked down at their own thighs. What they saw was not what I could see. They had bright, beautiful eyes in dark hollows, and I could count their vertebrae, could see their ribs winging when they breathed, could see the motion of every tendon on the backs of their hands.

They weren't celebrities. They weren't being paid to have particular bodies, nor were they deep in the toxic sea of having strangers take photos of them to sell to gossip rags if they stepped out of doors in old jeans. They had families and loved ones who were doing everything that they could to protect them, to uplift them and help them be healthy. They were just everyday people--a nurse, a couple of students, a couple of recent college grads, a young woman who had decided it was time to really get help because she wanted to be a mother--and still they'd been so injured by the neverending fucking deluge of body-image bullshit that they were dying of it.