HSP Story

Truth be told, I have no idea why I have these tendencies. I have no idea why I am the way I am at all. I don't know why I like the things I like, or why I'm good at what I'm good at. With other people it seems very clear: They like ________ and are good at _________. Maybe there's something else they're sort of good at and a few hobbies they have. But that's it. Me, I just notice lots of things and feel a lot of things and make many mental notes of all my observations. I remember everything about people. I know why people do the things that they do. I'm painfully self aware. I'm sort of an okay writer and an awkward speaker and I really wish I knew what I was supposed to do with any of this. 

I know not all other HSPs are empaths, but quite a few of us are. I'm interested in turning this into a gift instead of letting it use and exhaust me. I'm used to focusing on others, so the idea of bringing my attention into myself is very strange. Sometimes, as an empath(and an HSP) I feel like I know other people better than I know myself. I want to know myself. 

This will all make sense one day. 

Fellow HSPs, what are your experiences traveling, transplanting to a new spot and/or living overseas, especially by yourself? I would love to know!

My *greatest* fear is never living up to my true calling. That truly is my greatest nightmare. To believe that won't happen feels like a death. To feel that I will never do this thing I was meant to do, that is worst thing to me. If I was doing this thing, and making very little money, just enough to get by, I would be okay with that. Honestly, if I was doing this elusive thing, I'm not sure I would even need money, I would be so happy and filled with joy. I have felt this great sense of calling since I was a small child. At some point, I started giving up on myself, and that was the worst, saddest dying of my soul. Although now my confidence is rocky at best, I don't think I have given up on myself anymore. I can feel some crazy, embarrassing hope coming through. 

At the same time I feel okay, and that's weird too. It's a just a general feeling of discontent with anyone and any single place or space or thing. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know how to make decisions. I don't know who I am. 

I miss him so much. I can't describe to you the way that I feel. I reach out my hand and the air feels different. There's something about my relation to space and time and the atmosphere where I can feel this distinct shift that has happened. I no longer have this thing to hold unto and suddenly I'm floating all the time. I'm a lone, floating, and even when I'm in his arms I'm still not there, I'm back in my own little world. It was always here waiting for me. 

You ever see themes and patterns in your life? Lately it seems like I've been leaving/quitting aspects of my life that aren't working. The hard part is trusting that one day it'll lead to something much better. Discomfort sucks, but it's familiar and I *know* it. I don't think I know what it's like to truly be myself and to fully go for what I want.