I was never the type of person to doubt myself. Never the type to think twice before making a decision, big or small. I was sure. Not only of myself and my choices, but of who I was, who I wanted to be. I didn’t need someone to hold my hand, or tell me how to act. I knew. I knew it all.
At twenty-two, that seems laughable. The notion that I was so sure of myself. But I had been through hell and back. I had laughed in the face of my demons and cried at my greatest achievements.
I thought the wait was over. The storm had passed. I had faced my biggest challenges.
Until you. I don’t know how you did it to this day. I don’t know how you managed to re-tangle my learnings, cross my wires and take a hammer to my beliefs. But god, you did.
You did it all so effortlessly.
Everything I had built came crumbling down and you were there with the same look on your face from the day I met you. Untouched, unmoved, unbothered.
I wonder now if I should have waited even then. Thought twice before I opened myself up to you. If I should have held strong until I knew I could trust you, before you could undo everything.
I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, because I didn’t wait.
And that confident, no-doubt-in-her-mind girl- was gone.
Now I pause before I cross the street. Even when the light turns green and everyone else is moving. I stay still. I wait. Wait for the punchline, wait for the deceit, wait for something to let me know that this is not what it seems. Wait in trepidation for what is to come all from the consequences of knowing you.
Never trusting, never fully knowing, never letting another person close enough.
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