Hii, this is less about fiction but I just wanted to ask for some personal advice.
I'm mixed with Black and Asian.
I think I'm kind of racially ambiguous?
Usually people can't really tell what race I am at all, or they think I'm one or the other and I'm lying about one half???
I have grown up and currently live in a predominantly white area, and I never felt connected to my racial identity. (i'm also a teen so i do not have the means to leave where I live )
I feel like there's a thin barrier between me and who I actually am. I feel like an honorary Black person and i don't feel Asian at all. I feel like i am in oreo-banana hell (for lack of a better term) and it is super isolating.
Like, my race is undeniably entwined with my experience just being alive, but i guess because of the exclusion I have faced or like, with how many people have told me that I don't really count, it feels inherently devalued and meaningless. I know it's not true, but at the same time I guess it just made a strong impact on me because I've dealt with it since I was little. I don't know how to deconstruct that 😭
i don't really have a clear question, i would just appreciate any input at this point 😭😭😭 i'm super sorry if anything i've said is weird or if this is the wrong place to ask
I really do think that this is because you've been raised in a white space, so you've been disconnected from your culture outside of your immediate family (are they also trying to assimilate? Because if they aren't encouraging your growth within your own cultures, that's also a problem) and you're used to people "not getting it". If you were surrounded by more Black and Asian folks, more Blasians, even, you'd deal with that less. So I am sorry that they got you in this environment. Unfortunately as a kid, you don't have too much say in things like this due to a lack of authority.
Nonetheless, you can always try telling them how you feel? I know it's like "oh come on, I'm a teenager and they're parents, they never get it right". I been there! It's half so they can do something (if they care) and half so that if they don't do anything, they have context when YOU start making decisions to handle this. It won't be a "they never brought this up!" Yes they did. Just talk about "hey, I'm feeling very isolated here, I feel like I'm disconnected from my identity. Can we possibly go hang out with family or do something specific to us?"
Talking to your elders, that's another way to get connected. Learning about your history and culture always helps you get connected. Going out of your way to find Black, Asian, and Blasian (whatever Asian ethnicity you are) spaces online, getting involved there. From experience, even just being surrounded by more yourself, knowing you aren't alone, can really help with solidifying your identity.
As for your experience being biracial, I also think that's very common. A lot of people have come here and said similar things, so don't feel like you're going crazy or anything. It's very studied that growing up of color in a primarily white environment can be damaging to one's esteem and identity. Again, you're not alone!
I'll leave this here for anyone else to have input.