Ｓｐｅｓ | Ｉｎａｎｉｓ (AP)

A lonesome star in a bitter sky I hear the hungry ghosts calling out in the night Just a couple victims of this brutal reprise Am I strong enough to let things just die?

  Labored breathing seems to be calming down. Despite the very present pain, his pulse is returning to normal. He doubts the talented one will do much more to him. He’s probably already gotten bored. Of course, Komaeda had no idea that the other is truly angry with him. Until he speaks. That same emotionless tone, yet the words made Komaeda double back. Not like it helped.

  This an amount of strength Komaeda wasn’t expecting, Izuru’s shoe smashed against his face. He yelps. The taste of blood filled his mouth and he chokes on it. It’s fairly clear that Kamukura broke the boy’s nose. The pain was…. terrible. His lips seem to have slammed against his teeth, busting both top and bottom open. He lands on his back, his head turned to the right with blood running from his mouth. He’s seeing stars and there’s a pressure inside of his skull that makes thinking difficult. At least one tooth runs out of his mouth in that stream of blood. 

  He’s hardly aware enough to notice the other approach until he feels hands in his neck. His arms still hung at his side as he’s lifted, like a doll. He’s seeing double as he looks into those blurry red eyes. Slowly, hands raise to the other’s. His right hand tightly grips the hands at his throat. It’s impossible to breathe like this… Oh crap. He was going to kill him. 

  He tries to speak, but the blood in his mouth doesn’t allow him too. He just opens his mouth and lets it run down his chin. Focus. Focus. He can’t focus. No matter how many times he blinks, his vision won’t clear up. Love despair…? He doesn’t.

  “I…” Should he just lie? What good is there in his life? Dying such a meaningless death is too hopeless. And that makes him feel… despair. 

  “Stop it…” He doesn’t admit anything. “Stop…” 

Enough. Kamukura quickly closes the distance between them. This new feeling demanded release, and something within him knew what he wanted. Standing over the now broken and battered servant, some primal force within him broke through to the surface. Was this the human nature he so longed to understand? A natural inclination toward extreme violence? Maybe Enoshima had been right all along. Was despair mankind’s true destiny? 

“I believe I was very clear, Komaeda.”

The very same shoe that he’d just kicked him with found it’s way to his throat. He could easily crush it, but he didn’t. He pressed only hard enough to impede his breathing. He wanted to see the look on his face. Would he be elated at the despair? Would he feel regret? It was all meaningless anyway. He recognized that. This hatred was new, and he wanted to try and understand it. 

For a moment, he wonders why. Why was he doing this? Where was the disdain coming from? He was incapable of any such feeling. Was it his former self? Hajime Hinata? Was some part of the boy he once was still alive within him? For the first time in a long time, Kamukura was full of questions. He was sure they would have boring answers in the end, but at least he wasn’t bored in this micro-instant.

Don’t think of what it’s cost me 

It was all for a cause 

And now it’s woken inside 

I am a perfect copy 

Of whatever I was 

Something I don’t recognize 

Canon divergent | Mutuals exclusive

financial.     //     wealthy   /  moderate  /  poor  /  in poverty  /  N/A      

medical.     //    fit   /  moderate  /  unfit  /  sickly  /  disadvantaged  /  disabled  /  not applicable  

class.     //     upper  /  middle  /  working  /  poor  /  unsure  /  discriminated  /  not applicable

education.     //    qualified  /  unqualified  / studying  /  other  /  none

criminal record.     //   yes,     for  major  crimes         / yes,      for  minor  crimes /  no  /  other    

FAMILY.

children.     //   has one or more children  /  has no children  /  wants children  /  verse dependent.

relationship with family.     //     close with sibling(s)  /  not close with sibling(s)  /  has no sibling(s)  / sibling(s) are deceased /  has no family  /  it’s complicated.

affiliation.     //    orphaned / adopted  /  disowned   / raised by birth parent(s)  /  not applicable  /  it’s complicated

TRAITS & TENDENCIES.

extrovert  //   introvert   //   ambivert

disorganized  //  organized //  in between

close-minded  //  open-minded  //  in between

calm  // anxious  //  in between

disagreeable  //  agreeable   //  in between

cautious //   reckless //  in between

patient  //  impatient  //  in between

outspoken  //  reserved //  in between

leader //  follower  //  in between

empathetic  //  indifferent  // in between

optimistic  //  pessimistic   //  in between

traditional  //  modern  //  in between

hard working //  lazy  //  in between

cultured  //  uncultured  //  in between

loyal  //   disloyal   //  in between

faithful //   unfaithful  //  in between

BELIEFS.

faith.   //   monotheist /  polytheist  /  atheist  /  agnostic  /  it’s complicated

belief in ghosts or spirits.     //     yes  /  no  /  don’t know  /  don’t care

belief in an afterlife.     //    yes /  no  /  don’t know /  don’t care

belief in reincarnation.     //     yes  /  no  / don’t know /  don’t care

belief in aliens.     //     yes  /  no  /  don’t know  /  don’t care

philosophical.     //     yes  /  no  /  sometimes

SEXUAL & ROMANTIC INCLINATION.

sexuality.     //     heterosexual  /  homosexual  / bisexual      /  asexual  /  pansexual  /  demisexual  / questioning

sex.     //     sex repulsed  /  sex neutral /  sex favorable

romance.     //   romance repulsed  / romance neutral /  romance favorable

sexually  detailed.     //   adventurous  /  experienced  /  naive  / inexperienced /  curious  /  inhibited  / verse dependent

potential sexual partners.     //     male  /  female   /  other  /  none  / all

potential romantic partners.     //     male  /  female  /  other  /  none /  all

ABILITIES.

combat skills.     //   excellent  /  good  /  moderate       /  poor  /  none

literacy skills.     //     excellent  /  good  /  moderate  /  poor  /  none

artistic skills.     //     excellent  /  good  /  moderate  /  poor  /  none

technical skills.     //     excellent  / good  /  moderate  /  poor  /  none

HABITS.

drinking alcohol.     //     never  / sometimes /  frequently  /  to excess

smoking.     //     never  / sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess

other narcotics.     //     never /  sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess

medicinal drugs     //   never  /  sometimes /  frequently  /  to excess

indulgent in food.     //     never /  sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess

splurge spending.     //    never /  sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess

gambling.     //    never  /  sometimes  /  frequently  /  to excess

TAGGED BY:  Stole from @hopegamed

 Die? If only it was that easy. He’s been balancing on the wire for some time now. Maybe the snide remarks to his peers were attempts to die. Still, he couldn’t really say. The pain was not something he truly enjoyed. Sure, parts of him loved despair. Even if he would never admit it. It wasn’t always true. Right now, Komaeda isn’t enjoying the pain. Even if he was a match for Kamukura, he didn’t fight back. After all, he saw little point. Just like every time he was assaulted, whether by school bullies or killers, it was easier just to let it happen. Shut down. He had gotten so used to it now that it hardly even seemed traumatic. Sure, this was a rather harsh beating but it could be worse. 

  He chokes out a weak laugh. It isn’t full of joy or… anything. It’s empty and hollow. A response that even he doesn’t understand. His right hand slowly moves to his chin to wipe away some blood. He wants to stand up but doesn’t try. His arms return to his sides.

  “Aw… Never again? I don’t know if I could handle that.” His tone is almost mocking. “I may SEEM like an agent of despair, but… but that’s not WHY I’m doing what I do. I’ve been…” He winces as a sharp pain seems to make itself known. “pretty open about that…”

  It takes strength, but he pushes himself to his knees. Teeth clench as he tries to make no sound to reveal the pain he’s in. Even though the damage to his body is obvious. 

Seeing Komaeda upright again sends a new wave of anger through him. Was this anger, or just the simple desire to inflict pain? He couldn’t say. Still, this strange inclination still drove him. Komaeda was so far beneath him; beneath contempt. And yet in this moment this nobody owned Kamurkura’s attention. Why?

“No more lies.”

With a shocking amount of strength, he kicked Komaeda in the face. He kicked him so hard that it actually hurt him. It was interesting to him that he could even feel pain. It served only a marginal purpose in someone like him. Pain was the body’s way of alerting the brain to physical threats, but for Kamukura there was not a single person on earth who posed a physical threat. Divorced from mankind’s romanticization of suffering, it felt vestigial. Unneeded. At least for Kamukura.

The blow had knocked Komaeda back a few feet. It was annoying that he had to take a few steps to reach him. Some servant. Some Ultimate Hope. He bent over the servant’s battered form and gripped him firmly by the neck. With no effort, he lifted him by the neck; forcing him to look directly into his eyes. He was amazed that he was even conscious. There was no trace of hope in Komaeda’s gaze.

hoperavaged:

“If you don’t care, then don’t stick your nose where it isn’t welcome.” She said bluntly, though she made no effort to remove the bandage that he had wrapped around her wound.  She turned her eyes away from him, over to the lowly creature that had struggled against her and injured her to begin with. “Well, if you’re here anyway…perhaps you’d like to have a little fun Kamukura-san.” she picked up a  scalpel off the table nearby and held it up to the light for a second, admiring the sharpness of it. Before flinging it at him, though she was sure that he would catch it.  “You can play doctor on this poor little thing. It might be too boring for you though. It gets boring even for me once they lose the will to struggle and scream and accept their deaths.” 

With an impossibly quick motion, he caught the blade before it connected with his flesh. he knew that she was likely to do something like that. Still, he knew that she knew better than to actually attack him. That would be suicide. He didn’t understand why she was so hostile toward him. Perhaps some misplaced jealousy? A cockroach like her was likely to behave that way. 

“What would be the point? You cut up one person, then you’ve already seen all there is to see. Why bother doing it again?”

Of course, he knew the answer already. Despair. You rob these sycophants of their ability to feel anything else and they quickly become monsters. What did that make him? He felt no reverence for despair, and so its acolytes didn’t matter to him. Something about her aggravated him, though. He couldn’t place it, but maybe some of the resentment she clearly felt for him was mutual.

“I get the sense you want me to make myself scarce anyway. I imagine you are too cowardly to actually tell me why. Not that I care anyway. You have failed even as a distraction for me.”

Something just occurred to me. I was writing a reply for @despairborne and Kamukura made a point about how even he can feel lonely. The desire to be understood and accepted is actually alive in him despite his emotionless nature. In the reply he was wondering if Junko felt similar to him on any level, but it got me thinking about something really tragic.

That’s pretty much how Hinata felt. He wanted to feel confident; like he belonged and like he didn’t have to struggle to impress people. He wanted to be special. I’m not gonna get into the entirely separate irony that Kamukura is confident and special but just made him more lonely and isolated. Yet. The point I want to make is that Hinata’s problems are still alive in Kamukura. He still feels isolated and misunderstood. Hinata hated how he lacked talent, Kamukrua hates how he lacks feeling. They both have a similar effect, HE feels a disconnect between himself and others. 

  Pretend? Please. Junko was hopelessly perfect. With all her intelligence and beauty, there was little she had to feel envious about. But Izuru was certainly on her level. Her eyes are only narrowed for a moment. Despair was a common blessing from the talented. After all, he didn’t care for her much. He didn’t want her body and was unimpressed by her mind. Insults and cut downs were more than daily occurrences from him. 

  Honestly, Junko enjoyed despair because she had to. Isn’t that Ultimate Despair? No one suffered as beautifully as her. This blessing was one she had to spread. The rush she gets when delivered despair… It was enlightenment. Though, there is a part of her that thinks it’s all bullshit. Maybe her actions are simply to punish the human race and the world that cared little enough to allow something like her to existence. The world that hurt young girls until they were forced to enjoy such pain. But with a mind so open and intelligent, self-doubt is common. Regardless of her true intentions, it didn’t change the fact that people deserved the worst. 

  She crosses her arms, her gaze softening a little as a smile graces her features. “So at least I’m not a disappointment.” She muses. 

  Her smile doesn’t falter as she feels those cold and distant eyes upon her. She finds him interesting. He’s like her. A perfect example of the cruelty of man. Someone took this boy and cut his brain up to remake him in the image they saw fit. And through it, they created the purest despair she has ever seen. The emotionally dead shell of a person. Someone with so many skills and talents, nothing could ever be interesting to him. Someone better off dead, someone dangerous. Just like her. 

  “Go for it. But if it’s lame, I’m leaving.” She says though she is utterly curious. 

If Kamukura had to nail down what the worst aspect of the human race was, he would have to settle upon their penchant to lie to themselves. He read in a book once that people judged others by their actions, and themselves by their intentions. In his experience, this wasn't entirely true. People judged others based on the intentions they ascribed to them, hence why so many tried to label him with ambitions despite the fact that he lacked any. They judged themselves by whatever they decided their intentions are. They lie to themselves so that they are always in the right, and others are simple monsters who seek to destroy them. 

Enoshima was different, that was certain. How different? That was the question he aimed to answer. She was a malevolent embodiment of despair, but was that her true intention, or was it the conception of her intention? Had she convinced herself to fill that role? He had been cast with the role of the savior of mankind, and he cast it off. Could she do the same, or was her nature truly inescapable? 

“Why did you take such an interest in me? Was there any specific reason? Surely you don’t expect to fill me with despair.”

A typical human desire was the desire to fit in. To feel understood and accepted by someone, anyone. Kamukura, despite how far above humanity he had risen felt the same. That sting of loneliness, of being the only one like him in the world. Was a monster like Enoshima exempt from this?

Don’t think of what it’s cost me It was all for a cause and now it’s working inside I am a perfect copy of whatever I was Something I don’t recognize

Jack into the mind, dominate the change Tear it out to rearrange

I keep on having this dream inside the static I fall outside of myself I fall apart at the seams inside the panic I fall outside of myself

I’m not I’m not myself I’m not somebody else.

It keeps on creeping over me The more it gives, the less I am I hear it screaming for release Yells with my voice Tears with my hands

“Didn’t know you were attatched to it…”