martyr

I so much wish to be dead. I wish I could lay on my bed and never wake up. I want to lay down and sleep forever. I never want to hear my mother's voice again. I never want to see this town again.

waking up in the morning makes me nervous. watching the day pass by makes me nervous. walking around in the sunlight feels like I'm being exposed. I miss the short days. I miss the cold of winter. I wish I could feel the pain of frost on my hands again. I want to wear my ugly, heavy jacket again. I want to sleep in a cold room with a big blanket. I want to watch the day pass by.

I wish I wasn't haunted. I so dearly hope that I can spend silent, dark, cold days with someone. not on substances. just in sober melancholy.

reality is hard for me to stay attached to. it's difficult for me. I dislike it heavily. I wish I didn't have to think about it. I wish my body were smaller. I wish I could be desired or wanted. I wish I didn't have the responsibility I had. I wish people didn't look up to me or think of me highly. I'm jealous of lap dogs. lazy, stupid creatures doted on by everyone around them. I wouldn't like having my touched.

I hate change. I hate stress. I hate arguments. I hate betrayal. I hate the simplicity of people. I hate that they don't think. I hate that I have to wake up in the morning. I hate that , even when I feel this horrible, when I can't make myself look at myself in the mirror, when I can't be bothered to care for my skin... im expected to... and that it will have consequences. I hate waking up hungry. I hate that I need to exercise to keep my muscles. I hate it.

i would rather sleep for ages. i would rather do nothing and have nothing planned at all than to be subjected to that stress. i dont know what is wrong with me, i wish i wasnt like this.

i thought back to highschool and middle school, where i would have random, illogical outbursts. where id fight people or yell at them and then cry my eyes out.

i try so hard everyday just to do as many things as possible. i try so hard to keep a routine or something predictable. something that wont be difficult. but things just come up. when i do things on my own terms - im fine. when i get into it from external pressure, im golden.

i feel like such a loser. i feel like i have nothing to gain. there isnt anything i want materialistically. its more or less something spiritual. i dont have a lot of hope anymore.

when i was still taking testosterone. i felt better. it felt like hope. i didnt feel this empty.

i get told a lot that im extremely mentally strong. i dont think thats true. im just capeable of hiding my emotions well enough for them to not get immediately recognized. i also express myself differently than most people do.