cotton ceiling (pls help)
warnings: sexually explicit language, homophobia, transphobia
real question from a cis woman attracted to cis women and trans men who wants to be attracted to trans women (and cis men too if i’m being honest but i don’t want to group them together).
i’ve tried for the longest time to be attracted to cis men (mostly through church groups and religious therapy over the last 2 years) but none of it worked. i start therapy with a professional psychologist next week.
i’d really like to be sexually open to males (sorry if this isn’t pc i really don’t know of any other terms to refer to the bodies that usually come with dicks) because:
1. i feel like something’s wrong with me. i’m not quoting anyone or saying what i think gay people usually say. i really feel like something happened to me to make me homosexual. and i know my life would be better if i could just be heterosexual. i really hate the thought of being this way forever.
2. “coming to terms with my sexuality”, at least the way i did it, was as isolating as being ashamed and in the closet. i couldn’t find a way to be a lesbian the way i am (female attracted to females only) without tensions between my thoughts and experiences and the views of the majority (campus lgbt center, my friends, etc). expressing radfem/terf views that i think followed directly from the definition of my sexuality and the exclusively female attraction i’ve felt throughout my whole life made me a heretic in the community i thought i would be welcomed into and frankly, a bitch among my friends and i know why. (my family, of course, fully welcomed my newfound transphobia but that doesn’t really matter since they would hate me if they knew i am a homosexual).
3. my views make me a bigot. which harms other people and it harms me. i can’t be exclusively afab attracted without being a bigot. i get that.
but the thing is, i fundamentally AM afab attracted. and all the other shit that i hate just follows from that. so that’s the thing i need to change.
this post is a mess, but i guess i’m just asking for advice here. please, something more useful than just “learn to see trans women as women because that’s what they are”. that may be true and i’m happy for you that you’ve come to that conclusion, but it still doesn’t help me. i’m asking for help. please don’t respond with anything else it would just be so frustrating and i’m already frustrated with myself.
i would really prefer not to just try having sex with an amab because i’d like to stay celibate until marriage. and i won’t date a trans woman because right now i’m transphobic and that would be awful for her (and also using her).
does anyone have any concrete advice on changing their sexual attraction to include amabs? it’s not a matter of changing my ideology please understand that. i know this for a fact. including trans women in the definition of women or females is fine, but it still doesn’t change the fact that i’m not attracted to them. i need to change my sexual attraction. anything you’ve seen in discourse on tumblr probably won’t help because i’ve already seen it and i’m trying as hard as i can. but i need help or i’ll be miserable and make other people miserable for the rest of my life.
update: anyone can respond or send me a message/submission/ask (libfems, radfems, trans people, transphobes, allies, gay people, etc) i’m just a mess trying to gather as much info as possible i’m desperate
My #1 advice is to find some lesbians to hang out with on a regular basis. Even if you’re not a lesbian, it will at least help you be more comfortable with the fact that you are attracted to females, even if you don’t plan to act on it. Just to be clear, I don’t mean a group of LGBT ppl or Queer ppl, just lesbians.
My #2 advice, I know it sounds crazy, but just don’t dwell on it too much or try to force yourself into anything. Just, notice who you are attracted to, and plan to do nothing about any attractions you might have for X amount of time. During this time, also don’t force yourself to go out with anyone at all. This kinda helps you clear your head when it comes to sexuality. Its hard, but it made my sexuality much simpler for me.
