THE REAL STORY

a decade ago, i was pushed into an abusive relationship i did not want to be in and this relationship became one of the core themes of this blog for about a year or two. this relationship involved everything i did and even said being controlled and this was a public and known aspect of it. i had “rules” put into place, was told to share inappropriate images of myself and even sometimes encouraged/praised by adults on here at the time. in that time, i had claimed to be the one secretly in power, the one who suggested it, the one in control, etc. i won’t deny that that is what i wanted: to be in control of my body and what happens to it. as someone who had faced rape in my early teens, as my first ever sexual experience, i wanted to feel like i somehow could get my agency back. this is normal for girls who were in my situation, so is hypersexuality. both are trauma symptoms, not indications of our sexual orientation. after initially rejecting all of it for years, i allowed myself to be put through things that were traumatising me & harming me repeatedly, and tried to convince myself and others that this time i had control and was enjoying it. while i genuinely wanted to enjoy it, trying to present things that way didn’t mean i truly felt that way. i knew something was off from the very first time it happened and kept trying to put an end to it, but i was trapped in a cycle of fear and reliance. i had lost so many of my friends due to being raped, i had lost all sense of agency due to being raped, and so i feared saying no and thought i owed a yes to someone actually i owed nothing to. i shouldn’t have felt like my body was a good trade for emotional support nor should i have felt like saying no would make me powerless to what happens to me, but i was not in a rational state of mind and living in a constant state of either fear or dissociation. i was barely admitting to myself what i was putting myself through, nevermind admitting to others. i thought something was wrong with me and thought that if i keep letting it happen, maybe whatever is wrong with me would be fixed. in the end, i came to realise, there’s nothing wrong with me. there’s nothing to fix. im simply a lesbian and there’s nothing wrong with that. accepting myself in that way has allowed me to live in a way i had denied myself for most of my teen years.

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THIS BLOG

i have decided to leave some things on this blog because im tired of letting people trying to control and narrate MY story on my behalf when they hardly know me or my experiences. so here it is. you no longer have posts of me in the closet pretending to like things that i admitted were traumatising me as soon as i was out of that situation. you no longer can argue that i must’ve meant it when i claimed to like being abused because i didn’t sit there and dig through an abandoned blog filled with hints of my trauma to remove things you might want to use against me. you can have your screenshots and archived posts, but you can’t have this blog as your excuse to keep bombarding me with memories of a traumatic point of my life & use it to argue that it’s an indication of attraction to men. most importantly, you can now see this blog for what it is, with the aspects you abuse & rape apologists kept avoiding: the blog of a hopeless teenage rape victim. the blog of a deeply unhappy and suicidal person. the blog of a traumatised girl. the blog of someone who felt powerless & alone after enduring trauma at a young age. whether you believe my story or not doesn’t justify the way you have treated me. it doesn’t justify accusing me of lying about being raped, it doesn’t justify arguing “if you really were abused then why didn’t you tell someone back then”, it doesn’t justify accusing me of lying about not enjoying being beat and controlled and pushed to do things and coerced, often while under the influence of drugs/alcohol. there’s hints of all of that on this blog. from me hinting that it started when i took sedatives & was attempting suicide, to it escalating the first time i ever got drunk & also attempting suicide, i had referred to this guy as my “best friend” / “only friend” at that time, and then my story changed when he started to frequent this blog (claiming i “invited him over” and “bam we’re dating”, as opposed to the initial story i shared of him chasing after me & him coming over bc i was on sedatives & overdosing). all of your arguments can be reduced to abuse apologism and victim blaming, because all of it is reliant on assuming that girls lie about being abused and not enjoying being abused if they didn’t make sure to be a “good” victim first. —————————————————————

ENDING NOTES

id also like to please request that if you reblogged ANY inappropriate images of me, please delete them. i was underage in all of them. i don’t feel comfortable with them being out there but i know i don’t have much control over that. secondly, if you learned my name through this blog, please don’t share it. to the people who led to me taking this action, i really hope you reflect on the implications of the rape & abuse apologism you’ve partaken in. please think of how you’d feel, if applicable, if your own abuse & rape was called a lie and used against you. imagine someone taking the worst points of your life and claiming you enjoyed it because you couldn’t express your struggles & process your trauma as it was ongoing. this is what you’ve done / are doing to me. i hope you’ll think twice before doing that to any other women next time & realise how lesbophobic it is that some of you target lesbians with this abuse apologism under the guise of “exposing fake lesbians”. ————————————————————— THANKS

but based on the evidence she’s given me, ive seen nothing backing her up. why are there people so willing to believe a rapist? and why are people so quick to call it some kind of terf propaganda when Eli’s victim is a trans person of colour and has multiple people (also almost exclusively trans) from that point in time vouching for them and/or sharing similar experiences? Did a bunch of evil trans people decide to target Eli because Eli is just so special?

i wouldn’t advise what i did bc as an already traumatised lesbian, it was pretty traumatic to ‘experiment’ with men to see whether or not i’m attracted to them. i read people on here suggest doing things with men and truly analysing it while in the moment, looking at how you feel emotionally and physically, and that’s kind-of how i eventually figured it out. 

what i did most which i thought helped me and didn’t harm me, unlike the technique i mentioned above, was i tracked (or followed) the tag “compulsory heterosexuality” and read what a lot of people wrote there, their experiences, how they overcame it, how they knew, what the difference is, etc. homojabi made a post on certain thoughts that people experiencing compulsory heterosexuality may have.