hó·-jiáu (n.) tiger's claw, weapon.
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grandmother, maketh me a tiger / choose long, sharp claws / easy for eating
grandmother, can you help? / can you give me a voice / any voice / one that makes me heard, makes me able to roar
grandmother, i wrap my tongue around the sounds of your language / and i am home / in the forest
grandmother, look / look at my teeth—
aren’t they pretty? / aren’t they darling? / all the better to eat with
grandmother, they have called us monster / and now it is time we get rid of their axes.
⋆.˚⋆ about.
k. any pronouns, but most commonly she/they. 28. trying my best, the only way out is through.
i’m on storygraph! °‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡
⋆.˚⋆ interests.
reading & writing for the most part! also trying to keep up a daily streak on murdle which i often fail at, though :(
⋆.˚⋆ mobile tags.
— show me your art
pen to paper / sketchbook / handmade / books
animals / humanity / snapshots
— i'll show you myself
reflection / 3020 (a thesis statement)
sometimes i write
— maybe we'll have something in common
general media / video / actors
bbc merlin / heated rivalry + amvs / witch hat atelier
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New headcanon that even though Shane is a millionaire, his parents still technically pay his phone bill because it's cheaper on the family plan and it's a pain to change phone plans and deal with phone companies and the plan they're on has good coverage in Canada and the US without roaming charges so it's just more convenient to stay on his parents' plan.
They insist he doesn't need to pay them back, it's only like $40/month, and it's only a drop in the bucket compared to the money Shane's spent on them so Shane lets it go. When Ilya gets settled in Canada, the Hollanders find out he's paying like $200/month for some fuck-ass phone plan he picked out at 18, so he gets added to the Hollander family phone plan too.
SHANE WITH EZCEMA. okieeeee hear me out like i just think he’d have to deal with it plus i am projecting plus also hudson has it sooooo
shane who’s had ezcema from when he was little and his doctor is like don’t worry about it he’ll grow out of it
and then he doesn’t. he doesn’t he doesn’t and it’s still there
he’ll cry and cry and cry because his skin is red and it itches and he scratches SO hard all the time and he’ll wake up with scabs and dried blood during sleep and yuna/david don’t know what to do but their hearts are breaking bc it hurts to see shane in pain
shane gets older and they try creams and they try socks on his hands and they try biologics and yuna can’t be in the same room as him when he does it bc his nose scrunches up and he lets out a long breath every time he injects the pen because it’s a different type of pain then hockey hits and boarding
the flares sort of subside as he gets older because he’s gotten better at willing himself not to scratch (the discipline) but he still gets patches
specifically on his neck and on his lower back especially where he’s sweating
it gets worse during playoffs bc of the stress and he often has indents from pressing his nails into his palms to stop the scratching
it’s always red and so fucking itchy and he has to adjust and be particular about so many things like his sheets and his skin products and alcohol intake
and it’s easy to take the ribbing about how boring he is bc he doesn’t like to go out either but also sometimes it’s just so FRUSTRATING, you know?
just another thing on top of him being gay & asian
and he wants to stay with ilya but the fear of getting found out and ALSO the fucking starch and the detergent in hotel rooms being such a toss up is enough to derail him
and he HAS soothed his skin after a hookup with cold water bc it hurts it never stop hurting sometimes
when they start hooking up at the apartment, shane is a little relieved bc he can have his own stuff laundered the way he needs to
and everything’s fine? right? it’s working and it’s fine. if he leaves first, then he can control the situation
and if he looks at it too much, then it’ll become unbearable so it has to be the way it is
it’s fine
and then boston happens. he’s nervous. it’s a bad idea. he desperately wants things to go well
he barely has time to think before ilya’s picking him up, putting him on the counter and kissing him
it feels good. it’s always felt good with ilya
so he isn’t really thinking about how his skin is going to react, especially because he’s JUST coming off of a flare-up and his chest is still a little red but he can pretend it’s just a sex flush
but then the nap happens, and he’s not prepared but he falls asleep anyway and when he wakes he’s just idly scratching at where his neck meets his collarbone
that’s normal
what is NOT normal is the hand over his, the hand that gently grips his fingers and stops them from digging too hard
малыш, you must stop. you are hurting yourself
shane freezes, bc of course he does
what he has, it’s not pretty. it downright sucks most often than not, and shane is aware of how he looks all the time and constantly evaluating how red his skin looks or how dry it is
um, shane closes his eyes, okay. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, just—just give me a sec and i’ll get out of your hair
the hand covering his tightens and shane swallows hard
you think i want you to leave? no, no, любимый, that is not what i meant. it looks like it hurts and i don’t want you to hurt. let me get cream for you.
the back of ilya’s hand rubs gently over the flare before withdrawing and shane is squeezing his eyes together so hard bc he won’t cry. not here, ESPECIALLY not here
it’s hard not thinking he hasn’t fucked up though
so when ilya returns and he’s got something in his hands, shane’s first thought is to reject it
i can’t—it might have fragrance—
and ilya is right there saying, i know, i know, is same type you have. look, see?
all shane can think about it is the fact that it is vanicream, that he doesn’t know how ilya knew that, but ilya’s scooped up a fair amount and is softly sweeping it down his chest, rubbing it in until it’s not sticky anymore and shane could probably cry bc he hates doing that and ilya’s touch has always felt so good
once they get up, it’s the same thing with the ginger ale and the tuna melt and shane is confused but also scared
he’s so scared and when ilya says shane’s name, it becomes so viscerally real and shane has all these burdens and he can’t put that on ilya and so he leaves
because that’s what’s best, right? even though it physically hurts
and it takes time, and rose, and a fucking accident to get them to the cottage but when they do, shane is still so hesitant even though he’s wanted this for so long
but ilya is ilya and open and takes it all in stride and asks questions about what shane needs, how to make it better for him
it’s probably the first time where shane thinks okay, okay maybe this can work
(and later, later, i’m thinking they get into a little routine, where ilya snags shane right out of the shower, when he’s still sort of wet and rubs the lotion on him right then and there so the water can lock in. does it result in some heavy petting sometimes? yes. but that’s beside the point. most importantly, shane feels like he can breathe.)
thinking about this again and how categorically important it is to me that ilya holds shane’s hands when he tries to scratch. the way he redirects when shane’s instinct is to dig in.
i think this also shows with his anxiety bc anxiety can also make the ezcema worse. when shane is absentmindedly trying to pick at the healing patches and ilya covers his fingers with his own makes sure it’s not going to get worse.
i am thinking about texture sensitivity both from ezcema and autism and how his cottage is literally is just a place where he can escape. where everything feels nice against his skin and he can relax.
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and if i said all stars game/before shane told ilya he was gay where they're at the pool and shane is zeroed in ilya and ilya still thinks shane is with rose but they're about to go into the sun and shane is so full of wanting to take care of ilya, to invite him to the cottage. one track mind, pulling him aside and saying this is not the place to get sunburnt, let me put sunscreen on you. and there's no way to say no and no real way to say yes and it's quiet in the room. it's quiet and ilya's thinking about shane's hands on him and all he can focus on is the gentle sweep of them over his shoulders and down his back and it hurtshurtshurts but he's willing to endure this because maybe this is the sole form of connection he gets with shane now. like it's always just been a quick fuck right? but it's never been and there's no place to put that longing down now and he guesses that this will be it for the rest of his time here. the intimacy is killing him. versus shane's internal elation at being able to provide and be closecloseclose and thinking i can have this for the rest of my life if i just keep going and work hard at it. would that be anything?
realizing i have to learn three extra scripts and decouple my understanding of pinyin from taiwanese hokkien in order to get the pronunciation right :) 👍🏼
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I'm still thinking about sugar on my tongue and I'm very curious about when their first kiss will take place and under what kind of circumstances 👀 (you don't have to answer this, of course!)
ooooh okay good question~~~that's been spinning in my brain for a hot minute because i wasn't sure where i wanted to place it (it was originally like when ilya gets sick but NO i think this other thing works so hear me out. it's the post-clubbing scene).
shane takes ilya up on going to a club exactly once. ilya is excited, maybe a little smug. there are aspects of shane that only he gets to see and this is just another one in a long line of things that ilya hoards.
and for a moment--for a moment, it is. it's shane flushed and a little bit tipsy and a smile that ilya wants to see more often. the music is loud but they're tucked away in a corner and if ilya pretends, it can just be them.
until rose introduces herself. then miles.
and shane suddenly snaps back into professional hosting mode. he's polite, yes, but it's the fake polite that ilya sees often around reporters and when he's trying to hold back a snarky comment. but also it's too polite, especially when he's tracking the way that rose is looking at shane, the way that miles reaches in and grazes his forearm.
ilya's looking at the way that shane laughs at miles' jokes, leaning closer sometimes.
ilya does not like this. he doesn't like sharing shane, likes having the attention on himself and himself only. and tonight was supposed to be about them. not rose. not miles.
it takes everything in him to wait until they're back at shane's house. shane's opening the door, toeing his shoes off, and talking about how much fun he had. how it's been a long time since he's done something like that.
oh really, ilya mutters, does not seem like it.
and shane goes, what do you mean by that?
i think you know. ilya can't help the bite in his voice, the way it sounds bitter.
well obviously i don't.
ilya can't help but look at shane, the perplexed confusion on his face. it still doesn't take the sting out of tonight. did it feel good? he asks, crowding shane against the wall. when he touched you. you let him touch you and you haven't let me.
he can feel shane's breathing. they're almost chest to chest. ilya's looking at shane and shane--shane is looking at ilya. looking at his mouth, the shape of it. it makes ilya feel vindicated.
and still, shane says, that was different. this, this is a bad idea.
we're alone, hollander. there's nobody to see us.
both of them drop their gaze down to where ilya's hand hovers around shane's waistline.
do you want me to touch you now?
when shane nods ever, ever so slightly, ilya drags his fingertips across shane's hips--at the soft, sensitive skin there--before trailing upwards.
shane's breath stutters. he's focused, zeroed in on ilya's hands. ilya uses his other hand to cradle his jaw, bring his focus back to what ilya's saying.
there's a sense of headiness that rises in ilya's chest at the way shane's pupils are blown, the way he tracks ilya's every movement.
ilya in slutty little sunglasses pulling up in his stupidly expensive god awful green lambo to pick shane up after some event, rolling down his window and lowering his sunglasses to look shane up and down and say "need a ride?" and shane rolls his eyes so big cause he know's ilya's not talking about the car, but he gets in anyway and when ilya revs the engine and peels out of there shane is smilling at his gorgeous silly husband
