theymes fitztheymes

waiting for a specific email is so humiliating. oooooh please inbox ive worked so hard refreshing you pleeeease can i have a little treat. no not that one. no not that one. no not that one

where all my other sensitive crybaby sweetie pies at

god knew not to make me a boy because he knew i’d have been the most evil tyrannical head boy at a 1930s public school who would have made the younger boys polish my shoes and worship me like a god after our school won a cricket match

ohh dave lister… my sweet son…. my tiny tiny baby who i carried for nine wonderful months and delivered in a magical fairy grotto… my precious boy i would lay down my life so no sorrow may approach yours….

every flavour that i don’t like will henceforth be legally classified as a poison. if i order a stupid fucking pistachio latte why are you trying to kill me with almonds. thats not pistachio. that’s a completely different thing. that’s why they have different names. if i wanted almond flavour i’d have asked for cyanide surprise. get them away from me you miserable wretch. i will dip you in boiling oil and broadcast your worst embarrassments over loudspeaker in front of your fine shyts

the feeling of vindication you get when the mainstream starts validly criticising a celebrity you never liked for entirely petty reasons >>>>

guys what kind of omen is it to a) get your period unusually early on the day of something important then b) get horrible wisdom tooth swelling days before the even more important follow-up to the important thing. my augury’s a little rusty

someone made a hetalia reference on a post of a beautiful masc woman. my day, nay, my year is ruined. i want you all lined up and shot at dawn