KhaosAmongTheAsterales

“I say shit like ‘don’t expect me to save people if I woke up with superpowers’ or ‘I’d definitely be a villain if I had superpowers’ and I mean it 😭

“What, so you’re gonna fight Superman??”

No, I’m not stupid but why are you saying it like that would be a difficult fight?? You can’t fucking sneeze in metropolis without finding a piece of kryptonite

Metropolis doesn’t have a drug problem, they have a space rock problem

The kryptonite epidemic if you will

Dude is beefing with a random ceo and losing…I’m not in any danger”

idk man retired Cissie with no fucks to give and information she definitely should not have as a civilian nor should she be informing the public of 🤷🏾‍♀️ but she doesn’t care

Cissie loves being interviewed (bc she’s an instigator and a petty unhinged hater like the rest of yj) and reporters love interviewing her bc they always end up with the inside scoop on the Queen family, heroes, villains, or lex luthor for “some reason”

Reporters keep trying to set up joint interviews with Superboy, mostly bc he shows up to her matches with extravagant flower bouquets and keeps dropping obvious hints that they lived together (including saying it outright three times but refusing to explain)

Like Wally’s about to lose his goddamn mind bc this is the seventh time he’s tried to vent (complain) about Bart to another hero (speedster or otherwise) and gotten the response is ‘Bart, really? He’s a little silly at times but he’s a good kid” 

Bart dials up his mildly obnoxious persona to a million like full on annoyance and active inconvenience when Wally’s around and no one ever believes him

Like he shoves Wally at superspeed and goes ‘aw man did you not eat today?? You gotta be a little more responsible!’ whole time he waited until right before Wally got home and ate everything then left a note like ‘thanks a million - ✌🏾😋’ 

Bart definitely goes ‘huh’ and makes people repeat themselves like twelve times or until they get fed up and then they blink and he’s already answered or done whatever they asked and he’s giggling ‘nah, I’m just fucking with you’

Or complete opposite direction, Barts quiet and serious whereas if Wally’s not around he’s vibrant, loud, argumentative, and goofy so Wally jokes that Barts ‘a little too quiet for a speedster esp one from central’ and whoever he’s talking to looks at him funny bc ‘quiet?? Are you joking?? That mf never shuts up, he giggled through a 6 hour meeting with the jl like the entire meeting istg. He made me laugh so hard yesterday batman put me on surveillance duty for six months’ 

And he only speaks to Wally directly if he has to or they’re in the field so someone tries to pair him up with Wally for training 

Harry is/was a terrible liar, barely passing his classes, socially awkward, introverted, could barely keep his two friends, doesn’t like pranks, short tempered, and he was not smooth in any capacity

Also like Harry was an overdramatic nerd yeah but not a ‘I’m gonna argue with you about how to solve this nearly impossible arithmancy equation so we can combine ancient runes and a charm from the 14th century to start a dance battle in the great hall’ nerd

If Harry and James weren’t related, just like classmates/acquaintances at Hogwarts and someone mentioned that they thought Harry and James were similar at all James would’ve broken down in tears on the spot 

Harry beefing with Timmy: nothings gonna be okay ever again ….but it might get better someday bc we have love and friendship on our side ✊🏾😔 

imagine there’s a all hands on deck battle against darkseid and everyone is there but darkseid points out the nearest yj member (it’s probably Bart) like ‘you!!! You managed to escape with your lives last time but this meeting will be our last’ and for a split second Clark’s so fucking confused bc we haven’t fought in years wtf are you talking about then he hears ‘oh shit, look it’s Doug’ and everyone turns to see Bart nudging Kon going ‘he’s talking to you…damn he must still be mad about the coal’ and kons shoving him back bc ‘you were the one fucking around with his coal, you fucking walnut’ while Cassie’s being scruffed by wonder woman bc they’re trying to avoid being around when the jl finds out and tims having a very intense silent conversation lecture about why tf there’s at least half a dozen yj mission reports that mention an assailant named ‘Doug’ 

then Constantine shows up with Greta and everyone (including darkseid) starts yelling and if you don’t know her Greta seems like the one with the ownership of the braincell in yj (she is not but I guess she looks like it from a distance if you squint) which goes one of two ways:

retired-civilian!greta is giggling and waving excitedly to each member of yj along with hal before she practically tackles each of them in a tight hug while the titans, jl, & jl: dark lose their collective shit bc Constantine brought a tiny civilian dressed in pastel floral prints from head to toe into an active battle with fucking darkseid, a civilian who doesn’t register as a threat in any capacity until she makes eye contact with darkseid and gives him the most disgusted look imaginable “Doug… you look…well.” and then like three jl members have to stop her from leaping at darkseid while Hal’s like ‘no! No no, bad Greta! We don’t fight supervillains with…what is that?? I really fucking hope that’s not a gun…Is-is that fucking silly string?! Greta no we don’t silly string supervillains! We’ve talked about this!’

or

Solving cases in his sleep off 87 energy drinks Tim Drake ✅

The coffee addict never sleeps perpetually tired Tim Drake thing is a widely accepted headcanon however that was elementary school tim but after he stayed up for a week straight subsisting entirely on coffee to decipher the bat weekly patrol schedule and how it aligns with rogue attacks/Arkham breakouts, he crashed then when he woke up it was fucking wednesday so he missed his chance to commemorate his discovery with pictures of Robin and he decided that shit would never happen again and made himself an ‘efficient’ sleep schedule so he could run around doing fuck shit, add to his robin shrine, and stay on honor roll bc he was even more pissed to see the gotham gazette had pictures of Robin with an on site interview credited to Vicki Vale (listen bowl cut tim had a one sided beef with vicki vale that included tim judging who gets better pics of the bats but she isn’t even aware that she’s competing with a whole ass child 😭 he’s sitting at the table with a mug of orange juice and looks at the newspaper snorts and goes ‘fucking amateur I could do better’) 

Regularly unsupervised tiny businessman in training Tim ‘Ten hours of uninterrupted sleep?? That’s so inefficient not to mention fucking stupid’ Drake is so pissed he missed getting shots of Robin dropkicking a rogue from 6 six stories up (for absolutely no reason dick just thinks it’s fun) that he just takes at least 3 hour naps every eight hours 😭 he refuses to spend almost half a day sleeping ‘for no reason when he could be doing something productive’ 

And he still does this as a bat but it’s just easier to tell if he didn’t take his nap bc he has less than zero impulse control and he’s just fucking done with everything like the gcpd is terrified bc tim’s saying shit like ‘This guys a fucking moron, I could’ve done this in half the time without killing anyone fucking loser doesn’t he know if you keep them alive you can prolong the torture?’ and ‘you’re like all hysterical and for what 🤨 ‘you blew up 83% of Bristol waah’ stfu and fucking rebuild it?? It’s only rich mfs that live there, it’s just a matter of them opening their fucking wallets’ once a new recruit made the mistake of asking if robin had adult supervision regularly and Tim responded with ‘well if you’re gonna snitch to cps like a little bitch then yeah’ and that cop did snitch so tim fucking doxxed him

Yj has just accepted that sometimes they will find tim in an air vent, on the roof, in one of their closets, or something just fucking knocked out then an alarm will go off and he’ll just get up like nothing happened but for the first couple of months they were probably concerned bc ‘I’ve never seen you sleep?? wtf are you on man’ and Tim’s confused bc ‘I slept next to you this morning wdym??’ and that’s how yj discovers tim sleeps with his eyes open

Gothamites figuring out if they happen to mention a rogue treating animals poorly within hearing range of sword!Robin that rogue will be in custody with at least four fractures and a concussion and Damian being completely aware that like 63% of these people are lying but it’s the only way he can get experience with the nonlethal takedowns he’s experimenting with bc everyone keeps complaining about how he treats his opponents and allies 

Like he’s guiding a civilian to safety and they mention that “this would be the worst thing to happen to me today if riddler didn’t stab my fucking cat” and this civilian does not own a cat but they did own a car that was just paid off but riddler fucking crushed it with a stupid ass hot air balloon that’s shaped like a fucking question mark and Damian is aware of this bc he was the one that verified the insurance claim (but he’s been looking for a reason to punch Nygma in the throat since his last Arkham escape when he called Damian a moron)

And he also knows that if he plays along with it and says ‘as if I’d let that gaudy and tactless imbecile get away with committing such atrocities’ when prompted that he’ll get away with barely a slap on the wrist like he gets three half hearted but long lectures he’s not going to listen to and an online sensitivity training seminar he goads Tim into completing (Damian and Tim 100% try to trick each other into doing work they don’t want to do and full heartedly believe the other has no idea what they’re doing)

Bruce’s tendency for finding small crashouts at risk of becoming future rogues in Gotham and deciding they need love & supervision but what actually happens bc he’s so fucking awkward is they get almost the same amount of supervision just with like an hour of intense helicopter parenting a week but honestly besides that they just have more money and resources to do fuck shit

The jl held a meeting about marvel’s conduct with cops bc he got a little too excited and suplexed a cop completely fucking forgetting he’s a 7ft buff ass man (the video goes viral for months) and the press is having a fucking field day with this bc ‘Captain Marvel Hates The Government!’ ‘Justice League Member, Captain Marvel, Shows His True Colors…?’ ‘Fawcett Superhero Attacks Civilian!’ ‘Captain Marvel Sends Police Officer to ICU!’ ‘Philadelphia Hero Puts Public Servant In Coma’ and shit like that is on the front page of every newspaper, magazine, and tabloid for the next eight months at least

so they’re like ‘hey you gotta say something! The people think you hate the us government esp the police!’ and he’s just sitting there confused before he says very slowly and clearly ‘But I do…I fucking despise them’

Barry and Hal are fucking losing it bc this is the guy that says ‘darn!’ in the heat of battle and has said on multiple occasions ‘Well, that’s not very nice, now is it?’ to opponents that destroy worlds for fun

like this guy still tries very hard not to make faces at the broccoli on his plate in front of the jl (and fails)

this guy hears a yj member or even the very adult titans cussing and going on the longest rant bc ‘I’ve not heard such foul language in all my years-!’ and what’s this ‘‘I’m an adult’ nonsense?? I’m older than Ravens grandfather 🤨 When you get to be my age-’

Bart is going on about science that no one would understand even if he wasn’t talking at Mach 3 and popping out of no where going ‘flash fact-’ or starting a fight with a villain while eating an entire large pizza

Tim’s whaling on some fucking rogue and dude is 🤏🏾 close to being unconscious and tim goes “😡 now talk” (it doesn’t make it better that the rest of yj is in hysterics)

Anita mimicks the powers of whichever magic user she’s seen or heard most recently unless she gets bored and decides to act out horror movies which just leads to a villain cutting the power but they realize Anita showed up and they’re frantically trying to turn the power back on bc everyone thinks she’s actually possessed

Kon goes full on ‘Fear not, citizen! For I have arrived, a lone kryptonian with naught but justice in his heart’ along with saving one specific reporter first in every disaster (it’s linda and she thinks this is hilarious) he does hero landings and he says all the cheesy hero lines just bc he knows sometimes the medias perception of Clark annoys him (there’s a clip of a fan confessing and Kon goes on about how his only love is justice)

Greta before retirement is saying the lanterns oath before every attack and clowning Tim any chance she gets but Greta after retirement occasionally does crowd control which is just Greta doing finger guns and saying shit like totally tubular and gnarly while leading civilians away from danger or going on long winded rants about planes

Cissie is telling every person she saves that’s at least five years younger than her that she’s adopting them and then paying off some random debt and never speaking to them again or flirting with whichever member of yj is closest/has already taken down their opponent this doesn’t change much when Cissie retires, she just starts filing paperwork to adopt whoever gets second place and she will tell everyone that she’s married to the yj member on the news no matter where she is or what she’s doing

Most capes have like an official hero social bc people just leave comments like ‘captain colds out again no class?? 👀’ instead of flagging down a hero or getting the police to get the nearest hero so most crimes are discovered through viral videos

And yj decides that they need to be on social media so they make ig and tiktok accounts which somehow led to them running a smear campaign against Lex while he was running for president

Cissie made the mistake of sending Cassie and Kon to pick up Anita’s birthday cake while she picks up Anita and Greta, Bart, and Tim set up the party decorations Cissie, letting Cassie and Kon in through the window: Did you pick up the cake?

Kon, leaning through the window: Yeah?? We’re not idiots

Cissie, deadpan bc she smells okra: then wtf is that?

Cassie, trying to figure why Cissie’s so stressed rn: Callaloo cake?? That’s what you asked for?? 

Cissie, about to lose it bc that’s in no way what she said: Kahlua cake

Kon, still trying to take Cissie’s temperature despite Cissie smacking his hand away: Yeah?? Callaloo cake, why do you keep repeating it…?

Cissie, in disbelief: No…Kahlua cake

Cassie, opening the box to show Cissie the cake bc they’re not stupid: Yeah?? Callaloo cake

Cissie, showing them a picture: KAHLUA CAKE

Cassie, through sobs: callaloo cake 

Kon, who thought it sounded kind of odd but figured it was a cultural difference that he or Cadmus didn’t understand: 🫢

Greta, trying to figure out where the hell they found someone to put callaloo and frosting on a cake: ???

Tim, who assured them it was in fact callaloo cake bc it sounded right and he was doing six things at the time:  😬

Yj, trying to do damage control (everyone’s yelling and trying to console Anita who’s not upset at all and currently goading Bart into trying the cake)

After that she definitely goes ‘don’t you mean callaloo?’ whenever someone on yj mispronounces anything

Everyone on YJ speaks at least 14 languages which is a skill they all use to fuck with the jl and their villains like oh??? We’re having secret conversations??? I would like to be included and everyone’s like wtf why do you speak this fucking random dialect of Russian?? This is Arizona??

They all speak binary for some fucking reason (they’re nerds) Also Kon tells people binary is Tim’s native language which starts a debate on whether it counts as Kons native language)

Diana is swearing in ancient greek under her breathe and Anita laughs before responding in ancient greek so Diana’s time monitoring yj is spent trying to make sure the public knows she did not teach those little miscreants to swear in her native language however she did teach them some technically lethal combat moves which is not better but she thinks it is

Anytime aliens come to metropolis or anywhere else on earth, occasionally Kon shows up and starts speaking to them in their native language so Clark’s like 🤨 …did Cadmus teach you that?? I don’t even know that language and kons so offended bc no?? Bart crashed our fucking spaceship and we were stranded in space for like 8 months…you didn’t notice??? I know their language bc we fucking hitchhiked back to earth (yj also pissed off multiple entire planets of people but 🤷🏾‍♀️) and Batman’s so pissed when Clark complains to him about this bc Tim told him they were doing undercover recon in Eritrea

the jl is trying to translate a threat from the league of assassins while batman is off planet but cissie showed up bc damian was insulting the jl in the leagues dialect and being purposefully unhelpful (he sabotaged the leagues plan like three hours ago and he enjoys making adults feel stupid esp if they’ve tried to baby him) so everyone else is confused when cissie laughs at damians remarks and casually corrects green arrows translation (she also invites damian to blow stuff up with yj which is immediately rejected but he changes his mind when olivers lets them know he can hear them and tries to lecture them)

clark is talking to Diana in kryptonian and he hears a collective gasp of offense from yj and he’s like ?? (Tim followed all the supers around for like a month to teach himself kryptonian and then taught Kon and the rest of yj)

J’onn walked in on Greta and Cassie discussing how to ditch their green lantern in the watchtower break room and snitched immediately bc they finished his secret stash of cookies but he also has inside jokes in martian with them (despite this yj does not listen to him in any capacity)

They all know Interlac (Bart kept cussing in interlac and decided it would be great if yj also did this) but really the rest of the jl is under the impression it’s some fucking code yj made except the speedsters are like Bart ☹️ no spoilers you promised!! and he’s like it’s not even a real language 🤨 didn’t you hear?? Rob made this fucked up cipher and I hate it 😞 it took me like six minutes to learn (they have to let it go when Bart goes oh so you don’t think tims smart enough to create a language on his own?? within earshot of the bats)

I don’t have all the facts but I did play maplestory in middle school 😭 pls did anyone else play maplestory as a kid??? Someone else has to see it