Well then.....

The handheld vacuum, the collapsing foot stool that I have just received and the robot vacuum I'm bidding on are now classified as Accessibility Tools.

These are not simple gadgets to do a job. These are tool to assist me to have a survivable life.

This means that spending $35 to buy a wall mounted holder for my hand held vacuum isn't me being lazy or wanting to spend the money

It's me taking care of my Accessibility Tools and ensuring that I'm not struggling to live.

Yes.. Janet, I -do- need that Accessibility Tool to do the job. Just because you can haul out your normal vacuum cleaner to clean your couch or stairs doesn't mean I have to everything the fucking hard way when there are Accessibility Tools. Yes, it's just a convenience to -you- for me, it means I can actually clean things.

My stool... It means I can go hang out with people in public and put my feet up so I'm able to walk the next day.

It's hard to find new ways to do things, but I'm not doing it "to make it easier" the way you would.

They aren't "nice things to have but I can live without them," they are my Accomodations to live in a world that is becoming more and more difficult for me to live in.

I don't want to be shut in my house alone because I can't clean it well enough to feel comfortable with new people in it or because existing in public to enjoy an event causes extreme pain later.

This is my cancer fight.

My health is being crazy because I have to take a med that is rough on me

... To TREAT my cancer.

When I got the diagnosis, I expected several options

- Remove thyroid and everything will just be normal again

- Remove and suffer through chemo and hope I'll be normal again

- It'd gone to far and things would be rough but short.

Now...

Chemotherapy therapy, IV bag of horribly toxic substances, violently ill during treatment.

But ...

My Chemo( chemical) therapy, is to exist on a "normal" hormone but at a level that is driving my body crazy and making me sicker by exaggerating my genetic illness.

THIS IS MY FUCKING CANCER FIGHT!

I'm not failing, I'm fighting and and it's fucking hard.

I don't know when this will end but I'm winning each day that I don't give up.

Now, I have to find my value and worth again. I asked myself what the girl that thought she was fine and doing her best would do now...

So, now I'm engaging in some "Fake It Til You Make It" shenanigans.

I am more than my ability to make money.

I am worth the struggle.

I -will- find my way to reach out for those that love me without making them do all the work.

I will engage in the hobbies that -connect- me to others and not just the ones that are something I do by myself.

Just spent two hours writing my appeal letter for my long term disability insurance.

So, new flooring finally going in....

0820

-Two guys show up an hour before I'm expecting people.

-The hammering has begun. (Today is going to be rough)

-They are currently pulling up the asbestos pieces that were left behind?

I've been feeling less tired.

I chalked it up to warmer weather, but drifting off to sleep last night I thought, "What if it's because you aren't taking your thyroid med?" (Please don't yell at me Nurse Pancake, I know it was the wrong choice.)

Short story- meds are expensive and I can't get the support services that are supposed to be available to chronically I'll people. I'm fighting but it's been 6 months since I've had income of any sort.

So.. this morning, I set out my thyroid meds for the next week and half, by which point, I should have received my meds in total.

I wear a Visible Monitor. I love it. It helps me keep track and pace myself.

Here's last week with -no- meds.:

Versus, today with the same task load.

And... Because I haven't been taking it... The level has dropped and will need time to rebuild.

So...