My Life, My Pride

I am two weeks out from my first full year in Seattle. I never imagined moving here ever. Visiting for sure. Though happy I still do greatly miss Minnesota. That place became home quickly for me. Seattle didn’t. I am hoping the next year it beings to feels more so.

Since moving hear I’ve gained a great network of individuals here who I cherish greatly, and I’ve been slowly adding people to it over the last year. Recently I added somebody in particular that I hope to be a life long friend. Though currently are relationship is more than platonic and we already know it won’t move past casual, he is somebody I want to keep regardless of where we go in life.

I appreciate him for his openness, being over communicative, and an over sharer. Though I am honest with everybody I know I don’t share EVERYTHING with them. With him I share things that most people wouldn’t know. I couldn’t even begin to explain why somebody who was recently a stranger is someone I feel extremely comfortable being that open with. It could have something to do with our general accepting and non-judgmental natures and our want to make other people happy.

Now to figure out how to express to this person that I don’t want to talk to them in that way anymore. The guy for sure seems nice but reminds me of a mixture of pervious guys I’ve been into that I realize now some of those traits are just not cute. Sure he’s got his shit together for the most part but again not cute. 

I once felt that I could instantly message them but yet now I feel like an annoyance. 

I hate that I know I should have the audacity to state my thoughts and not worry about what will happen. However I don’t due to fear of losing friendship, I guess. It nearly 100% of the time happens the other party gets weirded out.

I hate feeling that if “things were only different” it could work out with a person. But it’s a “what if” and it may not be any different. 

I hate having slight feelings for another who could potentially be is an ideal choice, but always think of the other person.

I hate when somebody resonates so hard that I think about the “what if’s.” Especially the in passing comments and mentions of doing things together. If those events ever happen and I was with somebody else I couldn’t do what I wanted because another person’s feelings are involved. 

How the hell does it make sense to have a major staff meeting with the CEO, the EP, community manager, and production manager about the building of the new studio, AND NOT INCLUDE THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR?!

You know the one who is in charge of setting up EVERYTHING to ensure things look consistent and running the shows. Because none of it makes sense to me.

I may have said I had plans today but not even bothering to see when they were and if I had time available to be a part of this conversation is terrible hindsight of my boss, the CEO. 

Sure not telling the one person it effects most that things changed makes total sense.

I should not have to ask every night if the normal set up is what I need to do. When the boss calls tells two people things changed and NOT ONE OF THEM tell me. That is fucked up. 

Depression, is the worst

Paranoia, is the worst

Feeling as though are not respected, is the worst

Feeling as though nobody appreciates you, is the worst

Feeling as though nobody thinks twice about you, is the worst

Feeling as though taking a job that causes you to spend 2k to move across the country for and not exactly worth it, is the worst

Having very few people close by that I can trust is the worst, but I am thank for those few I do have.

Feeling as though being taken for granted, is the worst

Missing your mom every  damn day and getting severely emotional of little things that never made you emotional, is the worst

Not knowing how to eat healthy because that job you took doesn’t exactly allow for, is the worst

Realizing the headaches I am getting more often and regularly are due to stress, is the worst

Having to struggle to find the little things to get you through, is the worst.

Feeling these ways more so than usual and more often than usual, is scary and the worst.