Where Thoughts Come to Live and Die

Sure, you know how to self-flagellate, but do you know how to apologize? Saying "I'm a stupid idiot" is not the same thing as saying "I did something wrong."

People who want an apology pretty much never want to hear "I'm a stupid idiot." If someone is actually trying to get you to say you're a stupid idiot, it's not because it will make up for a mistake you made or harm you caused. It's because they want you to feel like a stupid idiot. People who care about you do not want you to feel like a stupid idiot and it hurts them when they see you putting yourself down in their name.

Plus, this can feel really manipulative. An apology is acknowledgement that a mistake was made and reassurance that it won't happen again (or at least, reassurance that the person apologizing will make an effort). Reframing the situation so that's it's all about how bad you feel or how badly you screwed up means that the person expecting an apology is getting a negative reaction to a reasonable request and is now expected to reassure whoever did harm. It's making it all about you, not about righting what you did, and it's a great way to alienate people.

you know those studies showing that cursing helps with pain tolerance or whatever. that’s how i feel about making my weird little noises to get through my basic daily activities. sometimes you just have to go hggblaaaah for a minute so you can find the strength within yourself to get up or wash the dishes or send an email. mmmnneh. urgh. the torments are unending but you can always make some little sounds about it.