Conceptualizing Aroace Identity
Something that has always frustrated me as an aroace is the way aroace identity is portrayed or conceptualized by other people. I think most of us would agree that being aroace isnât always as simple as âIâm both aromantic and asexual.â There are an infinite number of ways to conceptualize oneâs own aroace identity, and itâs going to be different for every person.
The relationship between my aromanticism and my asexuality is constantly shifting, so thereâs a chance Iâll read this post tomorrow and feel differently, but personally Iâm uncomfortable framing my aroace-ness as a duality. You see, being aroace is weird. Because in some ways, aromanticism and asexuality are two sides of the same coin, in the same way that panromanticism and pansexuality are. But in some ways, theyâre also opposites, and because of the aspec communityâs (understandable) use of the SAM, people donât often think of being aroace as a single unit. Aroaces, due to the nature of aspec identity and community, are the only perioriented people who are expected to frame our identity in terms of the SAM. And to some extent, I understand why that is. Aromanticism and asexuality are different, and I would never try to argue that theyâre the same thing. But I think for a lot of aroace people, they are the same, or at least theyâre part of a single whole, rather than a conglomeration of two independent identities. For many of us, weâre not aro/ace, or aro and ace, weâre aroace. The distinction, at least to me, matters.
There are a lot of ways to think of aroace identity, and for me personally, Iâm comfortable calling myself either just aro, or specifically aroace as a unit; I donât at all vibe with identifying solely as ace, even if I do consider myself ace. I realize thatâs strictly personal, and there are many aroaces who feel the exact opposite. Iâm not trying to insinuate that any way of conceptualizing oneâs aroace identity is better or more valid than any other; identity is personal. I do, however, think that there is a conversation weâre not having, and thatâs how to carve out aroace spaces, especially as aro and ace communities rightfully become more and more distinct. Full disclosure, I spend most of my time in aro spaces (hence this blog), and I consider my aromanticism a more impactful part of my identity than my asexuality. But theyâre still connected, and I think that intersection is important.
So hereâs my hot take: aroace can be a non-SAM identity.
âBut Techno!â you may be crying out, âHow can aroace be a non-SAM identity if it inherently has both aro and ace in it?â
The short answer is that we can use language to mean whatever we want it to mean. The long answer is I just donât think itâs fair that we should have to conceive of our romantic and sexual orientations as different when they donât feel different, when no other perioriented people have to do that. So maybe being aroace doesnât have to be inherently predicated on the SAM. Personally, I do find the SAM useful in some ways, but that mostly has to do with community relations and less to do with how being aroace actually feels to me. Itâs a blurry distinction for a lot of us. So letâs carve out spaces where itâs allowed to be blurry. Being aroace is a uniquely positioned identity, and we should embrace that, and use the language we have in the way that makes the most sense for us, individually.
Other aroaces, please chime in with your thoughts. How do you personally conceptualize your identity?
(I would ask that if youâre not aroace, you please refrain from commenting, but reading and reblogging this would still be much appreciated!)
