Hello. I am that mom who woke up this morning and didnāt want to get out of bed. Some days are harder than others, and for whatever reason today is one of those days. Thereās no one thing that happened. In fact, over the past several months my son has been on balance a delightful little toddler, which we parents know is no small thing.
Maybe itās the combination of my taxing work load, the rigors of motherhood and marriage, and trying to maintain a semblance of self that is leading me to feel so disheveled and in disarray. It is an unusually busy time at work with several big projects coming to a head. Add to that the relentless demands of motherhood and the fact that Iāve rarely had a moment of free time (and I mean truly free time where you can just sit and not have to plan or figure something out), I think Iām just feeling a bit run-down and exhausted.
As weāre nearing my sonās second birthday, I am finding that while there is tremendous joy in watching my Tasmanian devil grow, there is a also a real cumulative exhaustive effect of parenthood that never seems to dissipate.
As Iāve made very clear in my other posts, I realize just how blessed I am to have an incredibly supportive husband who happens to be a stronger parent than I on many fronts. These days I fear that the pendulum is swinging further out of balance as heās had to overcompensate for my wary state on more occasions than one. I am also very fortunate to be surrounded by a village of people who love on my son so fiercely that when in their presence my husband and I can let goā¦for a few moments. And though itās demanding, my career provides immense fulfillment that it often serves as my sanity and escape when I have especially tough mommy moments.
Still, despite all these many blessings not the least of which is a healthy happy child I feel tired and frazzled. The cumulative exhaustive effect of parenthood; the every day grind of catering to a defenseless though adorable tiny human coupled with the insane volume of decisions that have to be made at each parenthood juncture is taking its toll.
As a side note on decision fatigue, I have never thought of myself as indecisive or overly analytical. Yet in the game of parenthood I have found that there is always a choice to be made. No matter how insignificant it might seem, there is always a question to be thought through.
āWhat should we feed the baby? What kind of vegetable and protein? Will he really like that? What if he doesnāt eat? How should I dress him for the park given the weather conditions? Whereās the sunscreen? How many snacks should I pack? Apple juice or orange juice? Did I pack enough diapers? What if he misses his nap?ā You get the idea.
I realize that this might sound like one major rant session. And in a way it is. It is cathartic to say these things and to let some of the anxiety and built up pressure go. Perhaps most importantly, this is my way of working through my feelings of angst and frustration as authentically and productively as I know how. In fact, as I near the end of this rant, I am feeling a bit more renewed, like the clouds are drifting away to reveal a bit more clarity and calm.
Rather than curling up in a ball and hiding under the covers, which is what I wanted to do before I started writing, I now feel like I can breath a little better. Though Iām not totally cured, Iām making progress. Most importantly, when I write these things down I start to feel gratitude for all the things in my life that arenāt driving me crazy, and I even appreciate some of those things that do.
One of these days I will be able to sleep a restful nights sleep again, and one of these days I will be able to have a date night with my husband that doesnāt include an early bird dinner at 4pm or shoveling our meals down in hunger or haste. One of these days all of this will happen. And Iām sure that though Iāll be thankful for that day to come, I will also wish for these frustrating days again when my toddler wants and desperately needs mama.
I realize that these early days of parenthood, these formative early years are flying by. I am all too aware as I look at his baby pictures from even just a few months ago and can hardly recognize the cherubic chunkster as heās since run off all his baby fat. Itās happening all too fast.
Parenthood is such a contradiction. Itās a grind. Itās the hardest thing Iāve ever done. But itās also the most rewarding. Today is a harder day, and thatās okay. Whatās important is that I try my best and learn from my struggles (trust me, thereās a lot to learn).
Thanks for listening. Iām ready to dust myself off now and take on life again, whatever that means for today.