Heather M. Collins

i get so irritated with the nephites, and it disturbs my spirit to read what some of them have written about the lamanite people. and i don't believe their point of view sometimes.

i think the book of mormon ultimately condemns the nephites' sinful behavior, but that is a message i think many people miss.

i have a soft spot for zoram and the zoramites as well. zoram didn't ask to be involved in all that, and didn't have a real choice about going with nephi and his family (he was coerced on threatof death). the zoramites have a right to be upset about it. my people were brought to the americas against our will as well, and i just feel the zoramites justifiable anger deeply. and while their way of worship needs correction, it feels like a "White people stepping in to save Black folks from their ignorance" narrative (which is a racist white savior narrative). i'm not sure i believe how the nephites presented zoram's point of view and the zoramites either.

since the BoM is written from a nephite point of view, i think it contains the prejudices that the nephites have. i guess i'm "nephite critical," but i think that's okay.

I'm going to celebrate Juneteenth for the first time this year. I'm replacing the 4th of July with it on my internal calendar, but that's not a thing they really need to know? You know what? Maybe they do. Put a pin in that.

Here's a thing you need to understand about me. I am not White. I look White. I sound White. I was raised to believe I was White. But I'm biracial. My mother was White and my father was Black. He didn't want to be Black and hated his Blackness because his father/my grandfather was racist. Nevertheless, he was Black.

My grandfather was racist because he grew up in my hometown, which is a deeply racist place. It's a town that's still semi-segregated, especially in neighborhoods. The KKK exists there. They burned crosses and actually tried to murder someone by bombing their house back in 1968. They did a march down Main Street when I was 2. My father was lynched by the police there in 2009 when I was 19 years old.

I can never go back to that town. I don't take pride in being from there. I never want to go back. It's a violent and despicable place I've been trying to escape from for my entire life. In my recurring nightmares where I'm not waking up for a math final I didn't study for, I'm trapped in that town with no way to escape.

I was an adult when I found out about my Blackness. I had just come home from my mission from Brazil and gotten married. I was sitting in my living room, doing genealogy on a laptop, when I received an email from a cemetery I had contacted in Canada. My grandmother, who had passed as White, finally told me a useful piece of information about her birth family. She told me the name of the cemetery where her mother was buried in Montreal. I had contacted them and paid them $5 to tell me everything they knew about her. The email had arrived.

When I opened it, it unlocked the floodgates of every secret my family had kept from me. My father was Black. My grandmother was Black. My great grandmother was Black. There was a grand conspiracy of passing as White among so many of them, but they were all Black. And I finally knew the truth.

I have worked hard to put the pieces of this story back together. I have used every tool available to me, including the family history records provided to me by the Church. Here's what I discovered. It's the convergence of two family lines.

Through one, the migration of slaves from Richmond, Virginia to the Maritime provinces of Canada during the War of 1812. The British Empire promised freedom to any slaves who would reject this country and fight against their masters. John and Mary Liston lived in Nova Scotia and died there as free people of color, having achieved their freedom by turning their back on this country and never looking back. Their descendants remained there where they intermarried with Black immigrants to Canada from the Caribbean.

Across the world, an 11 year old girl was held in bondage to a Jewish family from Portugal, living in Barbados. The British Empire paid every slave holder the fair market value of a human being to free all of their slaves. I have the receipt from when Caroline Pinheiro was purchased by the British empire and freed. She was designated as Coloured, meaning she was mixed race, no doubt with a White enslaver father and a Black enslaved mother. Her son, Charles, joined the British Navy as a cook and immigrated to Canada. He worked as a railway porter and clawed tooth and nail for a decent living. He bought a house. He sent his children to school. He built a life for himself in Canada that Black people were not allowed to build for themselves in America without having their houses burned down, their bodies lynched, their livelihoods destroyed. He died in Montreal in 1944, near the end of WWII.

His son-in-law, my great grandfather, was one of the first Black men to serve in a white regiment from Canada in WWI. I have his military service record because Canada gives those away for free. His body was nearly destroyed during the war and he suffered horribly from PTSD for the rest of his life. He died estranged from his family in Montreal in 1974.

My grandmother was born at the onset of WWII. The earliest years of her life were a total mystery to her, and they still are to me, despite all the work I've done to put the pieces together. She was sent to live with a foster family in Montreal, where she was raised. She would only see her birth family for holidays. She married and divorced young before moving to California in 1963. She died in 2016, not knowing any of this because she never wanted to engage with it. She was shut out from her Canadian family for being too White, her American family for being too Black, and that chaos was the environment in which my father was raised, and into which I was eventually born.

I was raised to keep this secret. I was raised to live in shame of who and what I am as a biracial person. I was able to do the one thing my father and grandmother wanted more than anything else, which was to pass completely as White, and I refuse to do that. I will not live in shame or apology to anyone for being exactly who and what I am.

Because I served my mission in Brazil, I learned in fine detail many aspects of the Church's history in relation to race. I learned that anyone with a Black great grandparent wouldn't have been allowed to enter the temple or serve a mission. That meant me. I would've been told I was cursed. I would've been told I was a fence sitter in heaven. I would've been mocked and degraded for not being White enough, as many Black people have been in their interactions with members of the Church. And every single one of my ancestors would have been segregated from full participation in the Church for most of their lives. At the time my father was born, the racial restriction was still in effect. It wasn't lifted until my father was 12 years old. I am in a community with a legacy of racial segregation that was designed to keep my family out. And even after the racial restriction was lifted, mixed race families were openly advocated against by Church leaders for significantly longer. I can find condemnations for interracial marriage, against my own existence, right now in the Topical Guide, courtesy of Bruce R. McConkie.

In the words of William Faulkner, "The past is never dead. It's not even past."

I am the first generation in my family who would've been able to receive the full blessings of the restored gospel, to be wholly unbound by the Church's racial restriction for the entire duration of my lifetime. I was placed in this generation, in this exact moment in time, for a purpose. I am the one who will bring the restored gospel to generations of my family who could not have received it in life. I am the one who will bring the impacts of the Church's racial restrictions to an end for them. I was called to that purpose by being born into this family. The restored gospel is mine to claim, exactly as I am, and no one will ever take it away from me. Not in this life or the next. We were not less valiant in the preexistence. We were not cursed. We were hated. There is a difference. And nothing about that hatred and prejudice has any right to keep the restored gospel away from me and my family anymore. I will not allow it, and none of you should allow it to happen to anyone else ever again. (This line is about queer and undocumented people.)

Many of you celebrate the 4th of July. You've lived to see the day when Juneteenth became a national holiday, but maybe you don't know what it represents. It represents the actual end of slavery, when the last slaves were freed in Texas. Even though the Emancipation Proclamation became law in 1863, freedom didn't come for many enslaved people in the South until after the end of the Civil War in 1865. June 19th, 1865 was when actual government agents had to go to Texas to forcibly free the slaves who were still in bondage there. Law wasn't enough to guarantee anyone their rights, so the government had to step in and force White slave holders in Texas to comply with the law. And that moment in time has repeated itself, over and over again, where those in violation of the law have to be forced into compliance when it comes to human rights for Black people. It's a fight that is still ongoing and affects more people than you realize.

If the 4th of July is a day to celebrate the end of colonial dependency and tyranny from the British, Juneteenth is a day to celebrate the end of bondage and inhumanity Americans commit against each other. It's a day to decide to never again perpetuate the atrocities that have made this country a violent prison to so many. It's a day to overcome racial separations with love and reconciliation, to show respect to those who are othered outside of Whiteness, to embrace freedom and justice for all people. It's a day to right wrongs, to give apologies, to make restitution to the oppressed. For those who are freed and for those who love them, it's a day of celebration. For those who are or have been oppressors, it's an invitation to mourn and repent.

I want my community to be able to stand in both of those positions. I want them to be able to celebrate with me. But to do that, you have to understand a lot of things about me that are uncomfortable for you to hear. You have to take in this information about your own part in this as a community, the injuries you and your families have done to Black people by maintaining and supporting the race restrictions, and grieve what has been lost. You have to look around at your all-white congregations and recognize how and why they happened. You have to see and feel the pain that represents. You have to sit in that discomfort and know things about the institution you love, beside people like me, and not make us sit in it alone.

Y'all want so badly to say the Church is changed, but we can't even openly talk about any of this at Church without it being a terrifying experience for everyone involved. That's not change! We haven't changed enough to act as done with this as we are! There are people who still live with the violent memory of the Church from when it was segregated. I've met them and spoken with them. There's healing to do, and it starts with each one of us taking responsibility for it.

I spoke in testimony meeting.

I talked about the anniversary of my father's death (it's this week), my hometown, the experiences I had there with my father being killed by the police, why I can never go back, and what racism has done to my family.

Racism has taken so much from me, things I can never get back. I didn't enumerate them then, but I can count them now: my deepest sense of security in the world, my ability to identify with my hometown and anything else in the place where I was raised, my relationships with my family, and even the simple faith that so many others take for granted. All of that is gone because of racism. I must be stronger in ways I shouldn't have to be because of it.

Jesus is my Savior, and the violent racism that surrounded me when I was young is what He saves me from. I have a new life now, and am healing from this. There is a future for me that I can't envision now, one on the others side of all of this, and that only exists in my mind because of who Jesus Christ is. He has already brought me, through the plans He laid for my life, to a place of safety and belonging that I am learning how to believe in and trust.

That is who Jesus of Nazareth is to me. He is my Savior, and this is what He has saved me from.

Testimony meeting isn't the setting where I could share everything that was in my heart, all of the challenges I talked about in my previous post. But I still felt good about how I had focused it into a testimony, talking about the comfort I've found in the scriptures. Alma 32 is a place I always come back to because it's a story about people whose belonging in the Church is challenged and rejected. God comes to save them anyway because no one can stop God from rescuing His children. And like that group of people, I must wait in faith, diligence, patience, and long-suffering for the day when these trials will end, when I'll be able to eat the fruit of the tree I've grown for myself. No one can take that away from me, but neither am I free from nurturing that place of peace for myself. I wait for a deliverance that hasn't fully come yet, and I must wait for it in patience and hope.

Another brother came up behind me, one of the more conservative ones in my congregation, and responded to me. I actually really like when that happens, a kind of call and response. He wanted me to know that my ward is my home now. That's the kind of change I want to see in the Church. I want to use the voice and experience I have to get people to make those kinds of commitments, to build the kingdom of God in such a way that they feel personally responsible for making it a place where everyone belongs. That was why I thought I was doing this. That was what I thought the Lord wanted me to accomplish.

Here's what I didn't expect though.

There is a black man I occasionally see in my congregation. I've only seen him once or twice in the years I've been attending, but I know I've seen him before. I don't know who he is, but he was there today. And when I came off the stand, he came and asked if he could give me a hug. He said he needed to hear what I had said, that what I'd said had answered his prayers and made his journey a little easier.

When I came back to Church, the thing God emphasized to me most was that I could never go back to being silent and discontented with the way things are. The only way for me to remain in the Church is to open my mouth and speak so the Lord could use me to right the wrongs He'd taught me to see, especially as it relates to racism in the Church. I can never be silent about it again. And I'm still figuring out what that means, what it looks like, and who it requires me to be.

This is what He meant. This is why. This is what He wants to do with me. This is part of why I've had all of these experiences. I can do something with them no one else can do. I can bring healing and change to those who need it, simply by being the chaotic and stubborn woman that God created me to be.

Years ago, I was in a very dark place in relation to my faith. The burnout was real, the disrespect I was facing from men in the Church had become truly insurmountable, and I had reached my breaking point at the suffering I was witnessing around me in the people who were leaving and had left. They had good, valid reasons. I was angry. I was tired. I was sick of dealing with all the messiness and just wanted to be done. But it all went too deep for that to be an easy decision for me.

I felt myself walking to the edge of a cliff. My journey lay ahead of me somewhere. There were not guide posts, no signs, no markers of which way to go. I was heading into the desert to wander, and I didn't know when or how that journey would end. I wanted to maintain my faith, even if it meant doing to hard work of renegotiating everything I believed in and its relationship to my life. I would do it. The time was going to pass anyway and there was enough of value there to me that the effort was worth it.

What I remember of that time in my life, the beginning of my deconstruction, was the very honest conversation with God I had about it. People less secure in their own faiths have to create narratives to soothe themselves about deconstruction as a process. They tell themselves that those who engage in it "just need to pray more," that talking to God is enough to avoid deconstruction entirely. Such people shouldn't speculate about experiences they've never had. If they'd ever been in that place for themselves, they'd know there's no avoiding it. And even for those of profound faith, God's presence in it doesn't lessen the struggle.

I tried to shortcut my way through this. "If I'm going to come out on the other side of this a believer anyway, why can't I just skip to that part? Why can't I just rearrange the furniture and fix this the easy way?" That's the question I'd been asking myself because I didn't want to watch everything about the faith I'd worked so hard to build to disintegrate in front of me.

God was very clear in the answers to his prayers to me. I couldn't cheat this process. I couldn't dishonor my own pain and frustrations by ignoring them, minimizing them, or compartmentalizing them. I couldn't continue violently deprioritizing myself to make my relationship with this community work. God wasn't going to let me. This process was going to take a very long time, he told me. I couldn't cheat it. I couldn't take the easy way out. There was only one way through, and there was a way to the other side where I would still have my faith, but it would require so much more from me than I could even fathom at the time.

My deconstruction took a decade. I left the Church during that time. I had to, for my own safety and sanity. There was a time where I didn't want anything to do with the Church. Everyone talks about the proverbial shelf breaking, but no one talks about what happens afterwards, the gathering of all the sacred things and putting them away in the box. I didn't want to get rid of them, I didn't want to keep them, I didn't want to be responsible for them, but I also didn't want anyone else to touch them. I just wanted them to be tucked away where they were safe from others, and I was safe from them. And that's how things were for many years while I healed.

Deconstruction is not a process you can rush. It's also a continuous evolution. Where you are with it every day changes, and the very first thing you have to learn is to give yourself the grace to be human, in all the messiness and contradiction that comes with that. It's never really finished, and for a long time it feels like nothings changes and you aren't making any progress.

When you step to the edge of that cliff, it looks impossible. How do you make it to the other side? Do you fly? Do you give up and launch yourself off the edge? Do you climb down and promptly get lost and end up dying of exposure? How exactly does God expect you to get through this? And is any of this real? What if there is no God? What if all of this is just a waste of the one life you have, and you're wasting it trying to achieve something that ultimately won't matter in the end?

I've made it to the other side. I've been here for a few years now. And here's what I know:

Things are better for me because I did this. I'm the more authentic version of myself and I spend a lot less time worrying about how I'm perceived by others. I'm in healthier place with my faith than I ever was at my most orthodox. I live under less fear. My faith has more power to change me and help people. I'm a better person. I'm less arrogant in my assertions that I know everything about God and his relationship with the world around me. I have a healthier sense of my relationship with the community I love, the boundaries I need to keep myself on two feet, and what they can and can't ask from me. I'm at peace in my beliefs and how they differ from the majority. I feel more comfortable claiming my space of belonging exactly as I am. I found my voice and I don't hesitate to use it. I see the wisdom of God in what I went through, why it was necessary for me, and why it was so hard and took so long.

But I cannot stress enough how long it took me to get there. This wasn't a quick trip to the corner store to pick up some milk, some cases of water, and batteries for the flashlight. I met a lot of people who helped me, and some who hurt me and made everything worse. And for a long time, all I could accomplish was continuing to move forward in the hope that one day, things would be different. I would arrive in a place that would make sense to me and I'd eventually find my way to where I was going, even though I wasn't exactly sure where that was. I wanted to come back to my faith and my community, but I had no idea what that was going to look like. I just had to trust that I would know it when I saw it.

You can get ideas from people like me, but ultimately only you can decide where this journey is taking you, when you've reached your destination, and when you're no longer lost. That's something only you can know. And every person reaches a different conclusion. Some people leave and never come back, and that's the correct destination for them. Some people become desert nomads and that's where they stay. Some people leave the struggle behind and reach a better place far away from all of the desert and never have to go back to it again. Everyone is different. And no one can tell you the answer, not even God. God wants you decide what you need, and what you want, and he can't answer that for you. You have to figure that out for yourself.

The biggest lie you're going to tell yourself at this moment, which you need to get out of your head, is that you ended up in this place out of some personal failure. If you'd just done something differently, you could've somehow avoided this. That's nonsense! You're maturing, and that's a process that is impossible to avoid on a temporal level. So why would it be optional on a spiritual level?

The fact is, some of y'all reach the exact moment where God intends you to be, asking all the right questions to become the best versions of yourselves, to become instruments in his hands for real change, and you try to pull back. You try to make yourselves small, to cast aside the very thoughts that are making you outgrow the limited childhood faith you were raised on. It's a completely natural process where God and so many of us are cheering for you, because you're doing the thing you were made to do, and you balk! Why?! We were just getting to the good part! You're casting aside the parts of your upbringing that don't serve you anymore, that distance you from God, that hurt you and those around you, and you want to pull back because those things just feel so non-negotiable? They're toxic, but they're familiar, and that's a good enough reason to keep them??

WHY?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

Put the trash in the dumpster where it belongs. Do not apologize for throwing away the leftovers that grew mold in Mormonism's fridge. You don't need permission to do that. If you wouldn't ask permission to throw away a bottle of ketchup from the first Clinton administration, you don't need permission to throw out dehumanizing language and teachings from your outlook on life. Nothing bad is going to happen. In fact, only good things can come from that decision. You don't have to be the dumpster for bad faith anymore. Throw it out!

Years ago, I was in a very dark place in relation to my faith. The burnout was real, the disrespect I was facing from men in the Church had become truly insurmountable, and I had reached my breaking point at the suffering I was witnessing around me in the people who were leaving and had left. They had good, valid reasons. I was angry. I was tired. I was sick of dealing with all the messiness and just wanted to be done. But it all went too deep for that to be an easy decision for me.

I felt myself walking to the edge of a cliff. My journey lay ahead of me somewhere. There were not guide posts, no signs, no markers of which way to go. I was heading into the desert to wander, and I didn't know when or how that journey would end. I wanted to maintain my faith, even if it meant doing to hard work of renegotiating everything I believed in and its relationship to my life. I would do it. The time was going to pass anyway and there was enough of value there to me that the effort was worth it.

What I remember of that time in my life, the beginning of my deconstruction, was the very honest conversation with God I had about it. People less secure in their own faiths have to create narratives to soothe themselves about deconstruction as a process. They tell themselves that those who engage in it "just need to pray more," that talking to God is enough to avoid deconstruction entirely. Such people shouldn't speculate about experiences they've never had. If they'd ever been in that place for themselves, they'd know there's no avoiding it. And even for those of profound faith, God's presence in it doesn't lessen the struggle.

I tried to shortcut my way through this. "If I'm going to come out on the other side of this a believer anyway, why can't I just skip to that part? Why can't I just rearrange the furniture and fix this the easy way?" That's the question I'd been asking myself because I didn't want to watch everything about the faith I'd worked so hard to build to disintegrate in front of me.

God was very clear in the answers to his prayers to me. I couldn't cheat this process. I couldn't dishonor my own pain and frustrations by ignoring them, minimizing them, or compartmentalizing them. I couldn't continue violently deprioritizing myself to make my relationship with this community work. God wasn't going to let me. This process was going to take a very long time, he told me. I couldn't cheat it. I couldn't take the easy way out. There was only one way through, and there was a way to the other side where I would still have my faith, but it would require so much more from me than I could even fathom at the time.

My deconstruction took a decade. I left the Church during that time. I had to, for my own safety and sanity. There was a time where I didn't want anything to do with the Church. Everyone talks about the proverbial shelf breaking, but no one talks about what happens afterwards, the gathering of all the sacred things and putting them away in the box. I didn't want to get rid of them, I didn't want to keep them, I didn't want to be responsible for them, but I also didn't want anyone else to touch them. I just wanted them to be tucked away where they were safe from others, and I was safe from them. And that's how things were for many years while I healed.

Deconstruction is not a process you can rush. It's also a continuous evolution. Where you are with it every day changes, and the very first thing you have to learn is to give yourself the grace to be human, in all the messiness and contradiction that comes with that. It's never really finished, and for a long time it feels like nothings changes and you aren't making any progress.

When you step to the edge of that cliff, it looks impossible. How do you make it to the other side? Do you fly? Do you give up and launch yourself off the edge? Do you climb down and promptly get lost and end up dying of exposure? How exactly does God expect you to get through this? And is any of this real? What if there is no God? What if all of this is just a waste of the one life you have, and you're wasting it trying to achieve something that ultimately won't matter in the end?

I've made it to the other side. I've been here for a few years now. And here's what I know:

Things are better for me because I did this. I'm the more authentic version of myself and I spend a lot less time worrying about how I'm perceived by others. I'm in healthier place with my faith than I ever was at my most orthodox. I live under less fear. My faith has more power to change me and help people. I'm a better person. I'm less arrogant in my assertions that I know everything about God and his relationship with the world around me. I have a healthier sense of my relationship with the community I love, the boundaries I need to keep myself on two feet, and what they can and can't ask from me. I'm at peace in my beliefs and how they differ from the majority. I feel more comfortable claiming my space of belonging exactly as I am. I found my voice and I don't hesitate to use it. I see the wisdom of God in what I went through, why it was necessary for me, and why it was so hard and took so long.

But I cannot stress enough how long it took me to get there. This wasn't a quick trip to the corner store to pick up some milk, some cases of water, and batteries for the flashlight. I met a lot of people who helped me, and some who hurt me and made everything worse. And for a long time, all I could accomplish was continuing to move forward in the hope that one day, things would be different. I would arrive in a place that would make sense to me and I'd eventually find my way to where I was going, even though I wasn't exactly sure where that was. I wanted to come back to my faith and my community, but I had no idea what that was going to look like. I just had to trust that I would know it when I saw it.

You can get ideas from people like me, but ultimately only you can decide where this journey is taking you, when you've reached your destination, and when you're no longer lost. That's something only you can know. And every person reaches a different conclusion. Some people leave and never come back, and that's the correct destination for them. Some people become desert nomads and that's where they stay. Some people leave the struggle behind and reach a better place far away from all of the desert and never have to go back to it again. Everyone is different. And no one can tell you the answer, not even God. God wants you decide what you need, and what you want, and he can't answer that for you. You have to figure that out for yourself.

The biggest lie you're going to tell yourself at this moment, which you need to get out of your head, is that you ended up in this place out of some personal failure. If you'd just done something differently, you could've somehow avoided this. That's nonsense! You're maturing, and that's a process that is impossible to avoid on a temporal level. So why would it be optional on a spiritual level?

The fact is, some of y'all reach the exact moment where God intends you to be, asking all the right questions to become the best versions of yourselves, to become instruments in his hands for real change, and you try to pull back. You try to make yourselves small, to cast aside the very thoughts that are making you outgrow the limited childhood faith you were raised on. It's a completely natural process where God and so many of us are cheering for you, because you're doing the thing you were made to do, and you balk! Why?! We were just getting to the good part! You're casting aside the parts of your upbringing that don't serve you anymore, that distance you from God, that hurt you and those around you, and you want to pull back because those things just feel so non-negotiable? They're toxic, but they're familiar, and that's a good enough reason to keep them??

WHY?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

Put the trash in the dumpster where it belongs. Do not apologize for throwing away the leftovers that grew mold in Mormonism's fridge. You don't need permission to do that. If you wouldn't ask permission to throw away a bottle of ketchup from the first Clinton administration, you don't need permission to throw out dehumanizing language and teachings from your outlook on life. Nothing bad is going to happen. In fact, only good things can come from that decision. You don't have to be the dumpster for bad faith anymore. Throw it out!

What if it's just the silence preceding a slow clap?

What if I'm the character in the series God has been reading for years, and I'm finally going to Do the Thing? The Thing God has been waiting for me to do since page 1. And unbeknownst to me, I've just done it.

So I'm not alone in hardship. God just had to put the book down to cry a little bit. My Creator had to go back and reread it a few more times, just to savor the fact that it's real, that I am real, and all of this is really happening.