auroras and sad prose

And I just don’t have anyone to fucking call and talk to about this because I just don’t think anyone understands and I don’t actually think anyone cares about me and I just feel like I have to be alone always just destined to never be believed or understood I truly believe I’m just cursed sometimes

I’m so tired of nobody thinking for themselves I’m so tired of everything just being a fucking circle jerk of slogans and pithy statements rehashed over and over and over again I’m so fucking sick of the blatant hypocrisy I am feeling so much fucking rage and I have nowhere to fucking put it

I just feel so fucking angry and I have nothing to do and it’s just making me want to hurt myself.

Remember when I used to be such a sweet girl and I never got angry at anyone?

I truly do think there is a RAGE only chronically ill women understand and only those of us who haven’t given up on having an actual meaningful life and I think that’s the thick of it too I am enraged that the life I should be living is out there and I am sometimes too sick to take the steps I need to get there and I’m stuck in between two worlds while the crabs in the bucket keep trying to sink their pinchers into my ankles and keep me beneath the surface wirh them. I am enraged with my body for being broken. And I am enraged because the storage unit of bottled up anger that led me to develop this disease to begin with is slowly collapsing in on itself and the rage is escaping and I have nowhere else to put it.

Genuinely I am so fucking frustrated and I feel so much rage and I have nothing to do and nowhere to put it and I do not want to fucking “journal” or “take a walk” I either want to light the entire fucking world on fire or slit my wrists. And this was supposed to be my relaxing day off. And I’m so fucking stressed I’m 100% going to have a flare up because that’s how the fucking CURSE of chronic illnesses work and my stupid broken sick body is going to betray me.

It makes me angry to the point of wanting to self harm I just don’t know how so many of you otherwise decently smart people are so unable to see your own hypocrisy and double standards and fallacies you don’t give a fuck about anything you claim to care about it’s all tools and tactics to win and get what you want and it fucking bothers me so much. I literally don’t know how I can make people understand what seems so glaringly fucking obvious to me and it makes me want to fucking rip my skin open and scream. It’s like none of you can see beyond yourselves and your selfish whims and your desire to be seen a certain way that you’ll ignore truth and instead just craft whatever narrative you want. It drives me up the fucking wall. I feel so frustrated and alone.

If there is one thing in this world I fucking hate more than anything it’s a fucking hypocrite and a fucking opportunist and people who can’t fucking keep any consistency wirh their supposed morals and values because it’s all fucking performative. You want to flex a fake moral superiority when it benefits you so you can turn around, act in complete opposition of what your “values” apparently are, and then gaslight anyone who rven slightly goes “hmmm” and that PISSES ME OFF