auroras and sad prose

The Pitt looks like a really good show I just can’t watch it because it really seems like everybody who watches it is experiencing some kind of psychosis and my grip on reality is loose enough as it is

Idk why but it just kind of feels like it’s my lot in life to be constantly forced into situations where my reality is questioned. Whether that’s having emotionally immature parents who spent my entire life rewriting reality as they saw fit (somehow they never remember anything less than flattering about themselves and yet for some reason can describe any random tantrum I had as a four year old down to the minute detail), whether that’s experiencing CoCSA and spending years of my developmental milestone years oscillating between “no that could not have happened there’s no way but I remember it am I crazy” and “you probably deserved it, you’re impure, you’re ruined”, whether that’s being in a psychologically abusive relationship for my entire adolescence and being manipulated, gaslit, and traumatized to the point of going from a happy go lucky outgoing extroverted kid to a scared nervous shy introverted homebody shell of a girl whose nervous system is so fucked that I can’t seem to do FUCKING ANYTHING even the things I love without freezing in place unable to move or running for the hills because I feel like I’m being hunted for sport at all times, whether that’s being a chronically ill woman, whether that’s being a neurodivergent woman………I’m just constantly torn between the things I experience and feel and go through and a world that keeps trying to convince me that none of it is real so long as the people wirh authority in my life don’t want it to be and it is so profoundly frustrating.

Like I just feel so much rage lately. It feels like everybody is such a hypocrite and it feels like no matter how much I scream and stomp my feet, nobody hears me, much less understands and it drives me up the fucking wall. It literally upsets me so much. Being neurodivergent and having justice sensitivity is such a painful, lonely experience because I literally feel like Cassandra screaming and tearing my hair and everything I’m saying is always just falling on deaf ears. I feel so unseen and unheard. I feel like nobody ever fucking comprehends what I’m trying to get across or the point I’m trying to make and it just goes in one ear and out the other. And it’s frustrating because I feel so strongly about my convictions and everything I believe and yet I am just constantly surrounded by people who will repeat any talking point that makes them feel superior or part of the in crowd or the savior of the world regardless of if it’s true, productive, necessary, and helpful or not and idk it’s frustrating to me. It’s just very frustrating. It makes me want to lash out and hurt myself sometimes because that feels like the only want to come back down to earth. It’s so fucking lonely.

It’s just so blatantly obvious that none of you genuinely care about people with eating disorders you’re just seeing a woman smaller than you existing and seething with rage over it and dressing that up with fake concern and social justice language and YOU are actually triggering me a lot more than any picture of Ariana Grande ever could. You realize the ED voice in my head is literally telling me “look how jealous and bitter they all are…let’s make them more mad 😈😈😈 let’s really give them something to be outraged about 😈😈😈 nobody’s tried to cancel you for being too skinny in a while 😈😈😈 let’s relapse to really grind their gears 😈😈😈 wouldnt it be fun to be so small it literally outrages people 😈😈😈” and I’ve been literally trying to white knuckle it but you guys are pushing me over the fucking edge. But like I know you dont care because at the end of the day you don’t give a fuck about any actual ED sufferers because it isn’t an illness to you people, you treat them like an abuse tactic that the people who suffer from them employ to hurt you personally and make you the victim somehow. Because this isn’t about raising awareness for EDs or understanding the root of the issue…it’s about seething that you saw a skinny girl and wanting to punish her for being smaller than you but being too haughty to admit that you are experiencing something so base. It is so fucking hard to be in ED recovery while also having ARFID and a connective tissue disease that keeps me permanently underweight (mind you I AM being regularly seen by a doctor, my weight has not gone up or down at all in like the last six years except when I had a biblical case of food poisoning which was genuinely one of the most horrifying things I have experienced to date) and to see all this rhetoric that essentially boils down to “it is a moral failing to exist in a body that looks like mine” is scary because I will be chronically ill for the rest of my goddamn life and I will likely never have a body that looks “normal” or “healthy” and navigating that reality ALONGSIDE eating disorder recovery has been a mindfuck and something I would not wish on my worst enemy. I want to be an actress. I am a creative. I love fashion. I want to see the world. I don’t think it’s reasonable or fair that I should be expected to hide in solitude when loneliness/isolation is one of my biggest triggers that has pushed me to the brink with my ED in the first place. But like saying all of this is pointless because none of you care. You just think “wow that evil bitch and her small arms, why is she doing this to ME. how DARE she. she is such a bad person for LOOKING like this. But also EDs don’t have body types uwu people of all sizes can be anorexic but also the only people I accuse of secretly being anorexic are thin. But also health at every size and nobody owes you health and being unhealthy is valid uwu except if you’re smaller than me in which case you are evil and you only look like that because you want to hurt me and you do owe me health actually.” It’s fucking exhausting and it never goes anywhere productive and it never makes anybody feel better and it never makes anyone who is sick get better and it doesn’t even make any of you feel better about yourselves it’s just nothing but useless anger for anger’s sake and all it does is make sick people feel worse. And when these sick people feel worse all they do is make themselves sicker. Which just seems to make all of you more angry. And then you say things that make me want to make myself sicker. And then I’m up at 2am trying to not do that. Because I am trying to get better even if I don’t look it. And I might never look it according to your standards but I will continue to be a person who exists and you may have to look at me from time to time and just accept that.

Okay if anybody is also a fan of the Palmer’s Tahitian Vanilla body care line can you please recommend a perfume or body spray that is the same genre of vanilla I.e. not a super sugary gourmand but like a tropical, your-skin-but-sweeter vanilla?