HC

Stalling somewhere because it feels familiar, heart-full, real and secure. Blurred feelings take over and smash the thoughts while I am washing out inside the tiny credit chamber as the walls around me shrink.

I dragged and caused extraction. Weak to the bone and emotionally exhausted i realize the visage in the mirror looks like my broken promise. I am now shrinking too. 

Today my friend we meet. We face each other, we sit down together, we laugh and we cry. We hug and we yell at each other, we hurt and we take care of each other. We swear, we wander around and we speak the truth, we close eyes, we trust and we stay in silence. We hold hands and look at the sky, we crawl up there and we stay till pain suspends.

I hear the sound of your heart beating, but I don’t dare to look up, I stoop down and weep. I give space to chaos instead and float in space, I am a lonely yellow astronaut. I can’t run, I can’t reach you. Yelling at myself to move but I am motionless.

I want to talk, I try, I stop cause my conscious won't let me. Baby, when your wheels stop turning and you feel let down and it seems difficult times are around, hold me, don't be strange, don't pretend you didn’t see me while passing through.

I read the words and I drown in them. Rolling around and bowed on a chair I can’t stop thinking. The sound of the cello is absent, so are your eyes and smile. It is a fragile moment. 

I see you at the beach, you are small and me smaller, we don’t matter, we are beautiful gypsies, signing, dancing and playing. You look up at the sky and you say look how small the sun is, I could put it in my pocket and bring it to you, then I look up at the sun and I can feel the way gravity pulls on you and me and I look up at the sky and I can see, the way sun burns you and me.

Passionate souls with same dreams but yet different, souls who got lost in the time layers of universe and stuck in artificial structures of microlife. Souls that lost sight of the way, souls who forgot and gave in the bright darkness, the regulator of life, the default. Souls who got lost on the way to planets while cruising around the universe was the goal. They ended up in different time spaces and didn’t find their common time gate.

Maybe causing extraction is the way. Maybe yellow was not mellow. Not our time.

Tonight dressing up won’t work no matter the exertion. Can’t talk yourself into excuses because the feelings which skulk behind doors won’t let you. No easy way to go through this my little. You can stay all night long puzzling out feelings and portraying apprehensions but there won’t be a path. 

We got excited, adrenaline raised in our blood, we dreamed, believed in the forever things, we became familiar, dwelled and rooted in each other. 

What a devilish rollercoaster life is.

In our bubble world, kiosks were pink, hats were pink and everyone wore one, food was only chocolates, grown ups didn’t exist only kids who act their hearts out, laughing was loud, crying was not common, cocktails were blue drinks served by funny human robots, nightlife meant gadding around libraries, books smelled the best, fashion was something abstract and life was a stand up comedy show. There were no poor kids, being unsuccessful was the thing to be, being not important was a good thing, surviving didn’t exist as a notion in the bubble and we were all floating above ground happy. I hear you baby talking in your sleep, waking up and holding tight. Please, go out, run away and dance. 

You kept telling me, you want to go... go home. Silly me I didn’t know how to get there. Where was I to know home was just a hug away. I let the protecting angels and believes fall in a leaky hug while thinking of miles. You wave at me and you tarnish. I keep staring at you as you shrivel up. Is that a goodbye? 

Now I am left with the reflections but it ain’t far away from truth you tell me, you start becoming an idea existing only in mind and that is sad I think. I reboot my mind to release the pain but I am stuck between errors inside a mind screen.

Too scared to pick up on fights and always scared while being in them, fights seemed not my thing but now I wish I was fighting more with you. I’d take my shot and wait for the upshot.

I feel as if life happens on tape, want to reverse it back at the beginning and rewrite the end of this storyline. I hear a voice calling me a floppy kid.. saying damaged tapes can’t be re-written but it is ok because life is like this. 

I lean on the ground and stand there. The tape is all around me, I am covered in, I remember when you use to cover me and I stay there with what is left from the tape, I close my eyes, I dream and I wander through bohemian dreams. 

It is these moments when you feel very happy and overwhelmed that you gain back full confidence and you realize being strong is an option, these moments when you understand very well that we are all vulnerable and how important it is to fall and stand up again. Strength is what happens in between falling and getting up. It is the little flip in your mind that brings the pieces back together, grabs your legs tight and push you up!

It is then when you feel in complete touch with yourself and vision. It is then when you understand that what defines you, is that, what takes away the comfort you so much need, takes away the stability you crave for. It is then when you know that this is what you have got, this is what you are about and this is more important than anything else that matters to you. 

This is the key to your strength, to your soul. The key to what your journey is about. You re-identifying yourself on the map after you have been lost around, sauntered in places and places not knowing why you are there and what you do, struggling to get what you want. It is the key to continue navigating through seas and lands.

Everything feels different when you miss someone, everything is different because of the absence. 

I close my eyes, a red balloon inside me billows out, I focus, inhale-exhale, i only hear my breath and nothing else. The balloon keeps growing to the point where my feet lift from the ground. With my eyes close I am in a trip to a long distance destination where fantasy takes over vision.

Here I am, tsak!! In a different land space layer, in transition mode. I try to stand up straight, it is high and I am shaky. I look at my hands slightly trembling, feeling the cold air hitting my face making my skin icy and tight. Deep breaths cool my lungs and shook me up. 

I am a frame within my own existence, I keep my eyes close, standing still in bliss, I hear the tune you like humming and I let go. I dance, dance, dance.. Swinging between reality and dreams, this is where I stand now. Both parts pulling hard each side and me trying to balance in between. 

Cold wind blows and I open my eyes. I try to see the red ballon but I can barely identify it now, it is so up there! Fading away in the thick grey sky. I wish i had kept my eyes close and keep hovering around dreams. 

Destination:Dreams

Starting from the tip of the most beautiful mountain going down to the valleys,

circles close so new ones can open, 

keep eyes open and direct them straight in the future,

look up to the next high point where you run towards to,

the way up is always difficult and takes time, 

it is that glance up there where sun sets that makes you realize, 

all the rest happening in your head on the way up 

is illusionary, is small, too small for you to bother. 

When our bodies get tight and disturbed from thoughts it is not because the hill is unreachable but because we fear we might reach it and because we don’t like stepping down from there back at the valley.

Never hesitate about reaching the top of a mountain, we fear the knowing of how beautiful is when you are up. Break through your comfort zone and get up there. It is familiar staying in dwelling comfort zones but we are meant to move on, develop and establish experiences. We are meant to risk and make choices. 

Go up, let the sunset embrace you, choose for freedom and experience the outcome. Then take the memory with you, make some space for it in your heart, you can be sure it will find its place. Feel how your body reacts to light.

This is a moment of change. Keep that light in your mind on the way down cause you won’t be alone but even if you are it will be a different more consistent person going down this time. 

There is always relief when you reach down and you are luckily about to cross a streaming river. 

Rivers bind the up and down, they make it meaningful to be up and down, they teach you that transitions are natural factors in life but most important they mean something cause they keep reminding you that sometimes you need to go with the flow and sometimes against it. 

Growth, what a beautiful thing. Stepping down the valleys will be a whole new world this time. 

Oh, and by the way! It always seems it is the most beautiful mountain top when you are up and have to go down, eh me silly :) it is because they all are! Up&Up!

A shining morning sun and the sounds from the early Sunday bar opening after a long Saturday night. My laptop standing open on the wooden corner table of the bar and the coffee aroma flirting with my nose. 

The music isn’t playing yet, I can hear the people outside talking and walking. Some youngsters are coming in, the bartender tells them the kitchen is not open yet. A beautiful girl waves her head positively, they will have a seat they say and eat later when kitchen is open. 

Me and my coffee sitting at the front table checking out what’s happening outside at another table where 2 other beautiful girls sit. They look stylish, quite rocky dressed, wearing vans and nikeys air shoes, those Lenon round sunglasses, long tights, urban shirts and jackets. They seem happy and smile. A young guy holding a bottle of beer approached and is talking with them. They are friendly and talk to him as well. He irritates the bartender though who tried previously to tell him not to bother the girls. Finally they waved to each other and with a smile the guy had a zip from his beer and left. 

Sunny flares twisting around and it feels we are moving, it feels we are alive, alive & light, so light that one could swing. Grooving and moving like ice meltdown pouring in a furrow, a furrow of joy that keeps flowing, having no end, as if journey is all what matters. Flooding in and jumping out, letting the crystal water boost your blossom while you float in it. 

There is energy today, there is lightness and beauty, i can hear laughter and I am out there. I see the light resonance in the flares, vibrant and clear. I draw up as flares spring, I draw up and live. Twisting flares are all around! Today there is celebration!

Gazing up the sky, we all find home under that blue. It is a small world indeed. Four words ticking in mind, “can not be possible”. A tough cookie to digest. Virtual or not virtual?

Steps are getting heavier, I hear the little child weeping. I catch its face being numb. The expressiveness is erased. Its face, a face of grief while the cheeks are juicier than ever. Shedding tears flowing down those vivid pinkish cheeks. 

Inside four walls I let go. I put my hands together, tears stemming from psyche and pour in a handful.

Let me down. And it seems like troubles are around. Your wheel starts slowly twisting. I can hear your pulse beating. I can’t help thinking and I won’t let now. In the end of story you only invited joy and optimism in my life. May my only wish be your happiness and freedom and I wish for nothing in exchange.

All we have is now. Now, an overloaded mean, a fragment that carries the past and kneads the future. The connecting hoop of what we were and what we will become. The moment of life fermentation, the boil of existence and the peak of organism. The only one reality as everything else belong to the limitless fields of mind and cognition.

We cross paths with all kinds of people. Our nows synchronise and tangent while we are busy scheduling our future. What happens though is that every single person we meet becomes a particle of our reality, a part of ourself, mind, a part of our now, past and future. We can’t delete people we connected to from our life. No matter how much we might want that sometimes, they will always be in our life frames simply cause they are a cut in it. They belong to what we are and they have a share in this, therefore we will always bear them to whatever life might bring.

We will always look for people to share our life and expose our fragile inner desires in which we invest our energy and ourselves forever, things that mean more than other things to us, things that reflect what we are. Things that we love and define us. 

We want the now to be forever. Forever is something relevant. It is the dream and hope of having someone forever in our life. Forever doesn't come in our lives, we are the architects, the ones who create it but we can't define it. A need that we just experience and live through, a push to move on. We will always invest, dream and believe and we will always love cause love will be the reason for this little world to keep going and exist. Love is the coal in life's stream engine. The love and thoughts about people that change us, make us who we are, people who even if they are not with us, they are indeed present. Love is easy, natural and nice. Even if it won't last forever we will always owe it all to love.

People will always love in mysterious ways..