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hi ! :D this blog is for questioning and exploring being plural :-) we are bodily 24 and collectively they/them , main is @sammikovland but please don’t bring this up on there , im not ready to be that public with it yet .

theres a small handful of us (like 5-6) with solid names and identities , and some other mysterious gobbledygook floating around . this is like a journal of experiences and emotions / place to reblog posts about our experiences / posts one of us likes . posts may or may not be nsfw or discuss csa

im not interested in syscourse of any variety

bios + tag key under cut , currently written by sammi (others may update as they front)

we’ve been slacking on journaling! well some days are more eventful than others and there’s certain things going on in headspace that I think others are hesitant to write down… well, I’ll at least talk about myself while im here :-)

so sammi has been doing a whole lot of trauma ruminating and was in that rut again but was slowly moving off of it and onto a different train of thought . that was when they suddenly forgot what they were thinking about , which isn’t unusual , but all of a sudden we felt so strongly like the color sky blue ! like clouds outside a window ! a bathtub ! well , from the way I was talking we thought it may have been sammi and sasha at the same time , but it didn’t suit sasha’s energy and sammi usually only takes to the soft blue and bath toys adjacent stuff when age regressing . but I didn’t feel like a kid ? who knows how old I am ! but anyways that really made me start to think I must be a different guy !

now , we’ve been trying not to jump to conclusions about New Guys . there’ve been some passing mood states that we don’t know if they were distinct or just sammi being weird , like the apathy ghost guy ! so we just note them down and keep track of it . but I felt more and more strongly as I thought to myself and tried to type out what was happening , I think im someone else ! I was suggested to do a dollmaker and ended up making a pinterest board instead … here were some throughlines I found !

sky blue / ocean blue

angels , clouds , light

a little bit of webcore / frutiger aero (how do you spell that?)

vacations? weird nostalgic-y looking stuff, kind of dreamcore-y

baths / pools + toys

more pastel than sammi is

which of course you can’t figure out everything from an aesthetic … but I did have some thoughts . like I said sammi is super trauma+related stuff ruminating right now , like , I can feel them doing it as I speak . dreamcore isn’t quite the same but I felt very drawn to it and I do know sammi fixated a lot on traumacore in their day , PLUS the bath/bath toys aesthetic is something they usually only dip into when age regressing , PLUS the fact that I feel like some sort of doctor or therapist or healer … maybe what knocked me into awareness is that im just equipped to handle that stuff ? I mean , I think im mitigating the anxiety pretty well , or at least focused and thinking enough that the thought loop situation is at least temporarily deescalated .

but well , who knows right ? I could be here for any reason I guess . shelby’s also quite nurturing but I think she’s overwhelmed ? we all are . And I think im a bit more forceful ! but im nice X)

talked to our therapist yesterday about being plural , basically told her everything we’ve written down in dese journals . she was really understanding and we decided we’d try to work together and its good so far that no one is like , a threat to ourselves or anyone else or anything . mostly I’m just wondering what all dis means for my trauma processing and how I’m going to live going forward

writing dis with a headache in teh bridge of my nose pardon my writing quality . wait dis is a journal who cares

day was mostly me , I put together some songs scarecrow seems to liek on a playlist , I also notice sometimes sasha will make me hesitate to turn lights on

more importantly around 6:30 i could feel teh sides of my head starting to hurt and i felt liek it was a switch coming on so i laid down in bed for a little while , teh headache got stronger and i kinda felt like something was spreading across my vision . i had a hard time getting up but when i did scarecrow was out though he wasn’t immediately sure who he was . he was pretty sure he was scarecrow but he felt foggy so he went looking at art of characters he likes and came more solidly into front

for most of him being dere he just hung out on friends on call playing ponytown , made himself a character

and mostly just spent his time dere and in teh elijah (who I normally hate) tag on tumblr reblogging thingz . Eventually though he checked teh froggy squad server where ive been waffling back and forth on telling dem about teh plurality thing , he was talking and passing pretty well as me but he got annoyed that I was “being a fucking chud” and not telling anyone anything so he took it upon himself to tell everyone (who were all chill about it) , said some stuff about how its “jarring to realize you’re alive” and that he feels like I repressed everyone so badly that dey struggled to effectively do deir jobs or even realize who/what dey were

also apparently im like owning a chihuahua because my anxiety radiates out through everyone else . scarecrow didn’t really gaf though he just kept talking , like last time he fronted i was conscious but not contributing very many thoughts and he was pretty successfully stonewalling my anxiety . he also took teh garbage out of our room

he considers himself teh “chillest one here” which is funny since he also talks about himself liek he’s evil and sick and twisted . bro be calm

after that he was around for a little longer , I had actually been starting to come back right before he talked in froggy squad and den he just totally shoved me in a corner . eventually he started slipping back into me which was when I realized it had been 2 and a half hours (funnily enough about how long he was out last time too) and it was 9 fucking pm . as im writing dis teh headache in teh bridge of my nose has gone back around to teh sides of my head liek a god damn vise . he’s lounging around somewhere back dere in my head while I type . proud of himself .

therapy is on thursday , scarecrow said he knew I was going to make saying anything difficult and he’s probably right , so we’re going to try and spend Wednesday deciding what to say . I might show her some posts on here ? or maybe not . idk yet .

also itz interesting I haven’t felt shelby front yet , she’s pretty close to me mentally though and generally my mediator so it makes sense since her job is mostly from inside