i'm already in your mind

i’m pretty sure we’re an osdd system. body is 31. white. tme.

this is our safe space to express ourselves and research what’s going on inside our head.

i sometimes talk of trauma/suicide/self-harm

in our system we are all parts of a single body working toward similar goals. we agree there are no bad parts or parts that need to be feared. some of us just have higher support needs. we feel lucky we discovered this about ourselves at this point in our lives and hope allowing everyone’s voice be heard is an integral part of our healing journey. if you’re expecting me to be miserable and find no joy in being a system then you can leave.

seems a little selfish to take it upon ourselves to “fix” the issue so they can stop being upset. let them tell us straight up if they are mad at you and have expectations moving forward if it involves changing our behavior. there’s no need to go down a list of every possible thing that could be wrong with us that makes us a burden and nuisance to put up with.

like the high expectations for self really get in the way of everything ever and it’s best not to immediately try and reshape ourselves into someone who is the perfect being for everyone we have a relationship with like it’s okay to not be emotionally available always because otherwise we are going to DISASSOCIATE BIG TIME. we aren’t an asshole for not meeting someone emotionally even if we feel sympathetic there’s nothing wrong because we aren’t responding in the “right” way. it’s okay to not be The shoulder to cry on it’s okay to have boundaries

at least with regressed sonny its like looking at all the things I found annoying about my early teenage self. which I know now ended up getting repressed and our personality as a whole changed drastically. as much as I try to get him to communicate his emotions that I am feeling the physical symptoms of, at that age we just didnt have the language and were used to grinning and baring it so it makes sense why hes so quick to run away or over compensate when feeling anxious.

its frustrating because at our grown up age, and this far into recovery, we know how valuable being open and honest about our feelings is in the long term. its annoying having my co-host/headmate/fronting partner regress to this older version of us that is equal parts how we wanted to express ourselves and equal parts all the feelings we felt we had to hide.

it makes me feel bad for tadhg too because they were just doing what they thought we had to do: be obedient and listen to those in authority over us. mold us into something we are not to the point we all forgot who we were and wanted to be and just did what everyone told us in order to never disappoint and yet, the disappointment was felt. its no wonder everyone thought I was this twisted evil version of us. that I was the thing making us feel so bad, but no. I just hold all the anger, all the "negative" feelings we had to feel alone without help. and then tadhg getting burnt out...their only purpose was being a mask. its fucked.

im grateful for being the one that starting piecing all the bullshit together and being the one who eventually got help but god it was a long process I mean i know burnout and trauma like a brother at this point. i'm the retail alter, im the alcoholic, and self harmer. I hold the majority of generational issues and feel like a mirror not only to our abusers but to the parts of myself I used to hate.

I dont like being labeled as the "evil" one because I know im not, I know why i am the way I am and, logically, I understand why my headmates are the way they are too.

It all comes back to being kind to yourself and as a system that means EVERYONE in here needs that same grace and kindness. While I can be frustrated and want to throw Sonny around for getting on my last nerve, I have to remember that he also went through the same bullshit I did and not take my anger out on him as much as I want to. because in the end we are all parts of one system and need to work together and ugh its so cheesy and mushy its so silly the sonic fictive is the one who mainly fronts but it makes sense I cant hate him hes literally a ray of sunshine when not stuck in his feelings.

isnt always nonverbal sometimes borderline hyperverbal

when I give him the chance to fully front to be able to type he refuses. doesn’t want to take over our body and force it to do anything. sonic behavior