YOU ARE ENTERING A STEELY DAN ZONE!!!!! @handsome-badger - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
YOU ARE ENTERING A STEELY DAN ZONE!!!!!
@handsome-badger
spike | 26 | white tme transmasc furry | he/they | i like video games (esp pokemon and sonic), speedrunning, lost media, linguistics, and theatre | dedicated to making this blog a safe space for trans women and transfems <3
For those of you who aren't familiar, I live in an exceptionally flammable part of the United States, and despite the fact that every goddamn year multiple parts of my state catch fire, destroy homes and kill people, the local assholes insist on getting drunk and setting fire to a bunch of illegal explosives anyway.
In 2023, God granted me a Miracle that prevented my house from burning down.
Last year, I had to resort to Psychological and Chemical Warfare to keep the patriotic arsonists at bay.
This year is apparently An Important Birthday for the clusterfuck we have the nerve to call a nation, so despite the fact there is so much smoke in the air that the sun has literally been blood red for the last week, the pyrotechnic fetishists are out in force.
Last year, I hit upon the concept that if my neighbors were going to act like problem animals, it would make sense to use the management techniques on them that you might use on say, a Bear that was doing serious property damage. Thusly, I created The Stench, a nontoxic but FOUL smelling concoction that I could discretely spray around the flammable gatherings and render the area extremely uncomfortable to occupy for the rest of the night, forcing them to give up or move on.
If this seems harsh:
There is no story from 2024 because a grass fire was started by fireworks less than 12 miles from me and the high winds put me in the evacuation zone in under an hour.
Over fifty people lost their homes.
Errant fireworks burning my house down is a very real possibility, and I pay the price in anxiety and insurance premiums.
The Stench is noxious but harmless, and also very effective at building a buffer zone around my home. But sneaking up to parties on foot in this heat is both exhausting and nerve-wracking. There have to be more effective ways to do this
-And there is!
It involves Weeds and Business Cards :)
All of this spring, I've been battling Bindweed and my City Code Enforcement Officers.
The city code people have been professional, but the truth is that one of my neighbors is calling them on use because one of my housemates is transgender. It's extremely grating to get these notices, having to explain repeatedly that I *AM* working on the weed situation, I just have a heart condition and No Money. It's also deeply paranoia-inducing to know that the city is regularly coming by and photographing my house.
The Solution to the Bindweed is 1 gallon of high-concentration vinegar, half a cup of Borax, a quarter cup of salt, and a couple tablespoons of dish soap. Get one of those weed sprayers from a hardware store and mix it up in there. Spray it on your thistles, bindweed, kudzu, garlic mustard or whatever your local herbaceous invasive is on a day with bright sunlight, and in a few hours the entire part of the plant above the soil is Deceased. It's non-toxic to insects, pets and wildlife (just wait a few months before trying to plant anything in the area for the traces to wash out).
The only real downside to this stuff is that it smells HEINOUS.
Sure, The Stench is nauseating, but WeedFucker 5000 is genuinely painful to inhale. Again, it wont hurt people- even my asthmatic housemates can use the stuff- but boy howdy it sure smells toxic. I've got the ingredients for about 40 gallons of WeedFucker 5000 prepared and ready to go.
I've also got a disposable hazmat suit, rubber boots and gloves, respirator, goggles and a shitty little golf cart from the free section of craigslist to haul my shit around in.
I also have Business Cards!
See, the very nice officers from the City Code department left some Very Nice business cards so that I may contact them about "the fucking bindweed is gone, get off my back".
So I scanned the business card into my computer, fired up Clip Studio, and made my own business cards. I've turned my City's Abstract Triangle Logo into an Eye of Providence and the slogan of "E Pluribus Unum" to "E Plurbis Anus", Changed my city's name to a dumb pun, and stated the card originates from "The Department Of Public Nuisances".
Crucially, where the name and contact information of the real city employee has been replaced with the name and business email of the neighbor who has been bragging on facebook about calling the city code department on my home because he hates my housemate :)
It looks, at a glance, very much like the business cards of city employees. If you look at it for like 5 seconds though, there's no way it could be mistaken for the real thing.
I've printed out 500 of these bad boys and will have them on hand as I, a put-upon employee, am forced to work overtime on a national holiday doing weed mitigation, because my boss can't manage deadlines for shit.
You're mad about it? I've been out here since 5 AM! But if we don't finish by the deadline we lose the contract and I could get fired. You know what the economy is.
Here, this is my Boss's Business card- how about you send him an email about how this has ruined your barbecue?
It's golden hour now, so I'm Suiting Up and preparing to embark on some civil service in the form of Noxious Weed Eradication, and by coincidence, Fire Mitigation.
I'll report back later Tonight🫡
(If you'd like to support your local disabled storyteller in their Acts Of Public Service, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or supporting me on Patreon)
Well.
It's not quite an hour into July 5th.
I am very tired, may have destroyed my sense of smell, and am not sure if I'm proud of or VERY disappointed in my fellow citizens.
On one hand: FAR fewer fireworks parties this year!
- Only nine to last year's thirteen
- three of them had the good sense to be firing their recreational explosives out over the local reservoir
- That's far from foolproof
- and really bad for the fish
- also y'all are RIGHT NEXT to where the Bald Eagles are nesting
- but congratulations on at least attempting some risk mitigation!
On the other hand.
Absolutely NOBODY questioned why the hell I was out spraying weeds.
- In a Hazmat Suit (technically it's a coverall for painting rooms, which is much more breathable, but looks the part)
- In a Residential Area
- After Dark
- On a Federal Holiday
Like I'm glad I didn't get into a fight or something, but like.
I was Ready.
I had that conversation locked and loaded.
I MADE BUSINESS CARDS.
...But instead of Very Reasonably asking What The Fuck I Was Doing, the crowds at these parties saw me (5'0" flat, potato-shaped, sweating profusely) trundling up on the slowest and least-intimidating motor vehicle in the county*, hanging a bit out the side to spray thistles and bindweed on the streets and sidewalks**, and instead of raising a rival stink, I was instead greeted by some derisive muttering and a couple of "OH COME ON!"s, but the groups dispersed and retreated indoors or at least away from the general direction of my home.
*Like genuinely, I think Barbie's Dream Car has more horsepower than this golf cart. This thing doesn't have horsepower. It doesn't even have ponypower. It's running on duckpower. It waddles, something I didn't know a wheeled vehicle could do.
**Actually completely legal and a welcome community service in my city. Thank you Neighbor Barbara for telling me the exact part of city code that details what civilians are allowed to do about weeds on public roads, which is apparently "LOTS". Theoretically I could bill the city for my time tonight.
Do people not know how to Make A Scene anymore?
I was absolutely sure I was going to get filmed and shit thrown at me, or someone would call the cops. My beloved was terrified I was going to get shot. I at least had ONE woman shout "YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" at me, which isn't quite as good as being told I'm ruining Christmas, but she said it with a genuinely heartwarming anguish while gesturing to a homemade "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!!" banner, with an attempt at rendering The Evil Orange that as so enthusiastically yet talentlessly executed I almost stopped to get a picture of it. He looked like he'd been put in a wafflemaker.
I promised my beloved that I would turn around and come home at midnight, and I did, having eliminated every fireworks party and Scottish thistle in a five-block radius despite the lackadaisical maximum speed of my Steel Steed.
The complete lack of protest is honestly shocking to me. My flabbers are completely gasted. I waddled home on the golf cart in a sort of stunned silence that this HAS worked so well. The whole world is almost eerily quiet, and reeking of vinegar.
...Which is maybe why I didn't notice the cop pulling up beside me at a red light until he rolled down his window and leaned out at me.
"WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?" He asked, in a voice that could be used as a foghorn in emergencies.
I probably would have jumped were I not currently melting into a semblance of the Chernobyl Elephant's Foot in the heat, which was the first thing that saved me.
The second was the voice of my Grandfather, coming to my aid through decades of generational memory, to tell me his words of wisdom, usually spoken right before doing something wildly inadvisable:
The Age Of Miracles Is Not Yet Over.
"Weed Mitigation!" I called back.
"CHRIST ON A BIKE, THEY GOT YOU GUYS WORKING THE HOLIDAY TOO?" He said, in the same fontissimo as before. Apparently Officer Foghorn just talks like this.
"Yep." I nodded.
"SHIT." He blared in solidarity. "WHEN DO YOU GET OFF?"
"Just finished."
"MOTHERFUCKER. THEY GOT ME OUT HERE UNTIL GODDAMN 5 AM." Officer Foghorn whined in THX.
"Shit." I commiserated.
The light turned green.
"ALRIGHT YOU GET HOME SAFE! GOD BLESS!" He waved, and drove off at something significantly above the speed limit, and I trundled on home.
I must have still looked shocked when I came in, because My Beloved immediately got up to hug me and ask if I was alright.
"The Age Of Miracles Is Not Yet Over." I nodded slowly as the animals all battered me about the legs for attention. "...For real though, absolutely nothing happened."
"What?" he squints, wobbling slightly as Charlie tries to shove him aside for better access to me. "That's... Is it weird to say I'm almost disappointed?"
"I mean, I confirmed that I inherited my Grandfather's supernatural ability to get out of trouble for no good reason, but we knew that from the code enforcement people." I shrugged. Selene finally noticed the smell of vinegar and retched in disapproval.
"How about a shower and some Ice cream?" My Beloved suggests.
So now it is July the 5th.
- My house is not ablaze
- There are four medium-sized carnivores sleeping on me
- I am freshly bathed
- and I have a pint of Americone Dream all to myself
Here's to you, your health and your happiness, and a reminder to go make good trouble. Goodnight all.
---
(If you enjoy reading about my adventures (and the occasional curious non-adventure) I'd appreciate it if you could tip me on Ko-Fi. Apparently my Patreon link is fucked but it's basically 1 in the morning and I can't be arsed.)
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there’s sixteen Colorado counties that their most searched was “wolf furry”, plus thirty-odd counties (not counting either Arapahoe or any of the ones marked here as “Insufficient Data”) which may well have had plenty of searches for “wolf furry”, just fewer than for whatever they’re labeled here
and “skunk furry” searches in Arapahoe County outnumbered “wolf furry” searches in the entire state of Colorado
gays, home of sexuals, lgbtqs, help me redesign my bedroom because i cant live like this anymore. make suggestions & i will move items accordingly (everything in purple is stuff i can move). only requirement is that my bed is in some corner bc if it doesn’t touch two walls ill die
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PLEASE dont forget the incredibly racialised aspect of transmisogynistic murders and violence i am begging yall to not forget the incredibly racialised aspect of transmisogynistic muders and violence. the trans women being murdered are most often black women! they are often sex workers! the murder problem exists at an intersection of yes transphobia and misogyny, but also racism and classism! transmisogynoir is a violent killer! PLEASE im begging yall to not forget the racialised nature of transmisogynistic murders and violence!!!
in addition, black people, obviously, are the most likely to face police violence and false imprisonment. sex workers even more so. black women in general are a historically degendered class. black people are more likely to be impoverished. black people are more likely to be discriminated against in so many aspects of life. black people are the first to get hurt and black people are the last to get listened to. remember to fight for black trans women when you are fighting for trans women.
TRAGICALLY, MY BABY QAIS’S HEART STOPPED BEATING TONIGHT SUDDENLY.
I stood there frozen, unable to breathe as I watched my child collapse in front of me, and I will not forgive anyone who sees this post and does not support me with a single word and ignores me.
The doctors said severe bleeding and weakness caused this terrifying moment, and without urgent treatment it could happen again anytime, so I ask, can you help me get treatment for my baby Qais??
I am begging you as a persecuted mother in Gaza, watching my baby bleed in front of me, unable to stop it. Please donate now and help me save his life before it’s too late.
OH MY GOD, I felt my heart break as I saw my baby Qais unable to move or respond, lying there in pain, and I could not help him. Please donate now and save him
I've noticed in recent years that, at least within mainstream usamerican culture, the sympathetic petty criminal archetype has largely fallen out of favor. you still have plenty of stories of noble nights, benevolent aristocrats, sympathetic mercenaries, but the idea of a thief with a heart of gold is increasingly rare. often petty criminals are just used as uncomplicated cannon fodder, so the protagonist has something human-shaped that they can kill or mutilate without remorse. you see this with dnd players often. the wicked king or the cruel dragon can be reasoned with, but a highway bandit robbing caravans to eat is perfectly fine to torture to death with sorcery
this is no less common outside of fantasy, either. god knows how many books, films, games, about sympathetic soldiers, police, even mercenaries. sometimes they try to reckon with the inherent violence and cruelty of these careers, but they rarely have the fangs for a message sharper than "sometimes good people have to do bad things." but a thief? a mugger? god forbid, a drug dealer? uncomplicatedly evil vermin, all. again, just used as cannon fodder, purely to provide something human-shaped to hate and brutalize without conscience
there is an obvious racial angle to this, as people grow more leery towards "those people are evil and inhuman because they look different," the message shifts to "those people are evil and inhuman because they are criminals," paired with heavily biased (and significantly more publicized) criminalization of racial minorities to achieve the same goal of publicly condoned repression and violence
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WTF FUCK FUCK FUCK There is absolutely no mercy. My sister cries all day long, her body is covered in sores, and she's become unable to move. When I asked the doctor for help, he told me the hospital pharmacy didn't have any free medication. My sister is still crying from the intense pain I urgently need to buy four boxes of smallpox medication for her. I trust you won't let her down.
idk why no one helped my sister. I can't describe her pain; she cries uncontrollably and can't move or eat. She's been isolated from her friends. Her skin condition is severe and burns intensely. The medication is very expensive because it's not allowed in our country!!
Please don't ignore my sister's tears and help me provide her with medicine before it's too late.
After my brother's death, I became helpless and desperate, but I will do my best to raise the funds for treatment and save my sister. Please, everyone, help my little sister by donating here or via PayPal... Verification
Support a Black Disabled Couple for Disability Pride Month
(id in alt text, DO NOT TAG UNLESS FOR ACCESSIBILITY REASONS!!)
new monthly post for disability pride month (aka wrath month)! our situation largely has not changed. we are both in between jobs and rent has gone up in addition to still having many expenses we cannot afford. my wife's links and my pay links are available for folks to donate; we also have a shared patreon that covers our biggest utility bill, and a ko-fi for folks who prefer that. lastly, we have a registry of items that would improve our quality of life!! reblogs and donations help so so much and are crucial to our survival. please chip in if you can.
i have still been very sick which has led to no updates and a lack of donations, but we still have needed to spend money. i am BEGGING people to PLEASE DONATE so we dont lose our home. on top of that, a patron cancelled last month so we are waaaay short on the power bill thats due today any Help With That is really appreciated 🙏🏼
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POINT OF NO RETURN!! CHILD NEAR DEATH!! PLEASE HELP!!
6-year-old Souad has been anemic since birth, and starvation and disease due to the IOF assault have caused her severe additional health complications. In September she fell unconscious and was admitted to the hospital. She has since been comatose and fluid is building up around her brain.
Medical staff have worked very hard to reduce the swelling. But despite their efforts, Souad's brain is now hemorrhaging (bleeding). The swelling has been too persistent, and the pressure is rapidly bursting the cells of her brain, causing bleeding. This will kill her. Little Souad is dying.
She needs to be evacuated outside of Gaza, but this is extremely expensive. However, in addition to the high cost of the medical evacuation, her family is also forced to pay high medical fees to the private hospital which is caring for her. It is the only facility in Gaza with the capacity to slow the deterioration of her condition, and these bills must be paid for her to live long enough for evacuation. We are now raising funds to both support Suad’s immediate life-sustaining care, AND eventual medical evacuation.
PLEASE HELP US #SaveSouad!!!
Please repost the GFM and tag #SaveSouad to spread the word. SHE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT!!!
€7,465 out of €7,739 EUR (28 June)
Need to raise: about €274 EUR ($312 usd)
Information on vetting linked under the cut of this post
I am Alaa Al-Hanjouri, 32 years old. I used to work as a teacher, teaching children and carrying their dreams on my shoulders... but the war
