fiber artist and fanfic reader

note on names: for the purposes of this post:

09 refers to the person/system, all parts included

mikoto refers to 09 with the exception of orekoto/'john' (ie. all his 'normative' / in denial / confused / playful demeanours). this is the alter who is 'on trial' for the purposes of Milgram, so I will also use this name when talking about voting

'john' refers to the 09 (オレ, ore) who claims in Neoplasm to be the alter who commit murder. I will also make the assumption that he is the same alter as 09 (俺, ore) in John Doe that attacks es, since he expresses familiarity with 俺's actions in John Doe

i'm working with translations and 09 is a complicated character, so please forgive any slip ups!

thank you for reading.

introduction: widely accepted fanon

i frequently see that mikoto's case is controversial on the axis of 'system responsibility'.

on the side of guilty voters, mikoto is guilty because he and john are part of the same system, and unfortunately, that means they share culpability. i often hear rhetoric implying that 09's DID means mikoto was functionally possessed, and that he had no say in the murders, but regardless, him being guilty is just an unfortunate logistical situation. it's just how it is.

this rhetoric also makes it easy to argue for his innocence, and counter with how unfair this expectation is. if DID means he was functionally possessed, couldn't control his actions, and his alter just went out and killed people, regardless of 'john' having any noble intentions, that's tragic and unfair.

aside from being a fucking horrific way to see someone with DID (implying alters' actions are burdens, foreign intrusions that you just have to deal with. no recognition or self compassion whatsoever. die), this discourse also rides on the assumption that between 'normative' mikoto and his alter dubbed 'john', mikoto had nothing to do with his crime. that 'john' formed as a result of overwhelming stress mikoto had bottled up, and, pitying him deeply, 'john' decided to find mikoto an outlet through murder, something mikoto did not consent to.

i don't blame anyone for coming to this conclusion or approaching 09's crime in this way. it is very very deeply what milgram leads you towards, and what 'john' wants you to believe is going on.

through the VDs and MVs, 'john' consistently paints the picture that it was his choice to murder and his alone, that he did it without mikoto's consciousness and anthetically to mikoto's character.

so. what's the problem? he's told us very straightforwardly across the board that what you've just described is what's going on. can we not believe the words of the prisoner themselves?

no. because 09, like all prisoners, has reason to lie to us to secure his survival. and 'john' in particular has every reason to convince us of a reality where he and he alone is the guilty party.

i very very strongly believe that 'john' is manipulating the audience to create the impression he does out of an ego-protective obligation. so i'm writing this post. and i hope i can convince you too.

main body 1: the purpose of alters (no, we are not functionally possessed):

let's start at the beginning. why did 'john' form? why would an alter with his characteristics form at all? this will help us understand why he does things, and what his role is within 09's life.

alters in DID typically form in response to new life roles and traumas, with the key note being that these aforementioned roles or traumas could not be handled by / identified with the alters that already exist. thus, a new dissociated state emerges to isolate that event or carry out that role. memory gaps may occur when the mere existence of that role / event is intolerable, or dissociation is otherwise high.

i have already written a long document on writing DID. check it out if you are unfamiliar with the basics.

we are aware of a few facts about mikoto's life, which can clue us in to what those roles and traumas may have led new alters to form.

first, he works an overwhelming job and never gets a days rest. it's implied he does not take good care of himself because of how all-consuming his job is, and that it takes him to a breaking point.

second, he commit mass murder.

third, he was suddenly brought to milgram, put under 24/7 surveillance, and told he was a killer, despite not remembering doing anything of the sort.

i frequently see people come to the conclusion that 'john' formed as a result of his stressful job, and functions to let mikoto 'blow off steam'. there's a few reasons i don't think this is the case.

an alter who forms as a result of a stressful job is more likely to handle and isolate the source of stress itself. for example, an automatic alter to handle work and nothing else, isolating that stress from the rest of their personality.

i really dont think an alter can form to 'blow off steam'. by definition, 'john' is a dissociative identity, disconnected from mikoto. whatever he does in terms of emotional processing is by design not going to impact mikoto.

in John Doe, 'john's' demeanour appears majorly aligned with fictionalised stereotypes of violent split personalities, appearing sadistic and animalistic. this alter presentation doesn't just 'happen' without reason, and i can't find a reason for 'john' to present himself like this if he truly formed to put himself first and 'blow off steam'.

so why did 'john' form?

main body 2: the purpose of 'john'

it's my opinion he formed as a result of (ie. after) the murders, as a way to contain and identify with those actions, because mikoto could not. i believe 'john' protects mikoto from 09's identity as a murderer and that intolerable experience in general, by allowing him to dissociate from it and forget it.

(note: it's not in my interest to pin the crime on any one alter, and i think it's weird to do so. you will notice i refer to 09's (as a whole) identity as a murderer, rather than blaming any one part, since it's an objective fact that 09, as a person, killed people. i'm opposed to holding any single alter responsible, but i am absolutely certain that if you are to argue that one is, it would not be 'john'.)

i believe that through distinguishing himself from mikoto through his accent, personality presentation, and sense of self, 'john' becomes the archetypal 'monster', which serves to reassure mikoto that 'john' is 'not him', and thus disassociates mikoto from the things 'john' takes ownership of: namely, 09's murderous actions and 09's identity as someone who has killed.

i also believe that following the transition into Milgram, 'john', as a protective alter is forced to develop beyond just psychologically protecting mikoto from the reality that 09 are a murderer. due to the voting system, it becomes important for 09's physical survival and wellbeing that 'john' can convince the audience that he is distinct from mikoto. he takes advantage of the fact that mikoto is the only alter on trial, and begins to spin sympathy for mikoto as a helpless victim, and negotiate on the terms of mikoto's innocence, by reiterating that it was 'john', and only 'john', who did it.

let's break down some 'john' truths:

he has a rough demeanour in contrast to mikoto's soft-spoken, and in John Doe, appears violent and sadistic

he distinguishes himself from and contrasts himself to mikoto by making a point to alternate personal pronouns

he claims to be the alter that commit the murders

he insists that this means mikoto should be found innocent, and that mikoto had nothing to do with it

when he realises that es may not agree with that view, he begins to plead, and then attempts to negotiate with es, being willing to sacrifice his existence as 'john' by promising to 'disappear'

he, well. this:

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

i find these last words 'john' says to es are the most telling, and really give us an insight into his motivations and what he considers his role and responsibility.

note that it's not to help mikoto vent stress. it's to take on the burden of everything that causes 09 distress. that being, for the most part, his guilt. he expresses a desire to isolate that trauma into himself as 'john' and vanish it, and maybe it's the DID in me, but all i'm hearing is the sound of a self-sacrificing protective alter who is desperately trying to keep his normal parts from having their illusion of a normal, trauma-free life shattered.

main body 3: where we can infer 'john' may be misleading us

ok, so i have this crazy theory i've convinced myself of that can strictly speaking be considered in line with the text using some mental gymnastics. but is there anything in the text that directly suggests that 'john' didn't do it?

yeah.

for starters, and perhaps a moot point, but mikoto is the alter on trial within Milgram. not only that, but 'john' is specifically not.

to be honest, this is what first got me theorising along this train of thought. if Milgram really 'doesn't make mistakes', and were presumably aware of 'john's' existence (in the sense that 'john' is considered unique, and not a prisoner), what makes mikoto the identity on trial?

like i said earlier, while i disagree with assigning culpability to individual alters, i do believe that if you were to assign culpability and only persecute and associate one alter for/with 09's crimes, it would not be 'john', because he did not exist as an alter at the time 09 commit those crimes. therefore, i believe Milgram is suggesting that of the alters, mikoto is the guilty party.

moreover, when you dissect 'john's' confession to es, there are certain patterns he displays that imply he is misleading us.

1. he is incredibly vague and emotionally disconnected when describing the event, lol.

his account of the murders appears fragmented and vague, and it's notable that he doesn't elaborate very much, or seem to feel much at all towards the event. contrast this to mikoto, who, when pressed on the topic of murder, starts to panic, scratch at his head, whimper and groan, and dissociate.

'john' either has a composure of steel, and truly does not feel remorse for his murder whatsoever, or, more likely, is that he only has a surface level connection to those memories, because his role only really extends towards identifying those memories and actions as 'his'.

it may be possible that mikoto is the alter with a unique repressed connection to the emotions and distress associated with the events, hence his violent reaction to es' pressing. it's also possible that the murders are blurry and hard to connect with for 09 in general, because trauma and dissociation can do that. but in both cases, i feel that 'john's' account of the murder don't really convince me that it was him that was conscious for the act, much less in a nonchalant and uncaring way, as he seems to put across.

2. he is first and foremost preoccupied with what his confession means for mikoto's guilt and protection

he gives up confessing and spinning his story after he's successfully convinced es that what he has said is the truth. he then immediately checks with the consequences of his actions.

this doesn't read as a confession to me, rather it looks like a blatant strategy. it's not about what 'john' did, it's about what 'john' can tell es to turn the tides in mikoto's favour.

when it becomes clear es may not be willing to see things his way, 'john' immediately loses his nonchalant composure. clearly, distinguishing himself as a uniquely guilty alter isn't working to secure his goals of mikoto's innocence, so he doubles down and makes emotional pleas.

again, note that it's not about 'john'. 'john' is content vilifying himself, and makes no attempt to humanise himself, or give explanation for 'his' actions. instead, he emphasises mikoto's innocence, and tries to evoke sympathy for him.

and in the end, 'john' strikes a deal with es; on the condition of mikoto's innocence, 'john' will 'disappear' himself. he cements his role as an alter that serves to carry 09's guilt so mikoto never has to face who he is and what he's done. the apparent subtext of 'proving one's use' reinforces this reading, i think. 'john' being able to 'disappear' himself and secure mikoto's guilt-free survival, is, honestly, the ideal situation as far as 09 believes.

the logistics of 'john' 'disappearing' himself and the fact that this, practically, would not make 09 guilt-free are a can of worms — this ... might not go how they expect ... — but 09's intentions are clear. 09 wants what 'john' isolates, carries, and represents (his guilt & identity as a killer) to vanish. whether or not he practically can 'vanish' anything (and what the consequences of his 'disappearing' are) remain to be seen (although, based on the voice clips, it seems that without 'john' around to contain 09's identity as a killer ... mikoto is not having a good time, psychologically).

in my opinion, 'john's' confession and the subsequent deterioration of the conversation are absolutely seeping in 'john's' ulterior motives to take all distress and discomfort from mikoto and protect him.

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

therefore, i would not take anything he claims about being autonomous, monstrous, and uniquely guilty at face value. 'john' has a goal, he has a purpose, and he will do anything to attain it.

main body 4: but maybe he's not... intentionally lying

all this said, i don't want the takeaway to be that 'john' is a manipulative liar. i also strongly believe that on a lot of levels, he, and 09 as a whole, believe what he is saying, because he has to.

like i said at the start, alters in DID encapsulate roles and traumas that could not be identified by the alters that already exist. if 'john' exists to isolate 09's identity as a killer, that means that 09 as a whole cannot tolerate the idea that mikoto could do such a thing.

i find 'john's' musing on the 'kind of person' that mikoto is very telling.

09 has a very firm idea of what a kind of gentle, sensitive, victimised person mikoto is, which makes the fact that he broke under the pressure and murdered people an even more intolerable reality. however, it's crucial for 09's health that they continue to believe in their goodness and maintain the illusion of a normal life for their everyday parts.

therefore, it's safest for 09's ego and psychological stability for 'john' to truly believe he is guilty and mikoto innocent. he also, after all, expresses incredibly high distress at the suggestion that mikoto may be punished or considered 'guilty', yet displays no such distress at his own condemnation. this reality where mikoto is innocent is clearly a source of stability for 09 across the board. so i do believe all of 09 believe this is the case, at least emotionally, and collectively work to sustain this reality for their psychological welfare.

i also believe 'john' isn't necessarily lying about believing in his role and personal guilt just because of how much self-hatred he betrays.

the aforementioned utter lack of self-respect (never standing up for himself) and subservience to mikoto's wellbeing (being willing to 'disappear' for mikoto's sake, claiming his all-encompassing purpose is to protect 09) implies a low self esteem. the end of Double as well as just how fucking miserable he sounds at towards end of Neoplasm betrays that he does feel immense guilt for 'his' actions, but only in relation to how the intolerable identity/experience he holds causes harm to mikoto.

'john', ultimately, is a character who represents a lot of self-hatred. he hates what he represents, he hates what he 'brings' to 09's identity, and he hates himself for existing and serving as a constant reminder of their identity as a killer that distresses mikoto and threatens their guilt-free manufactured reality so much.

(timeline translation document)

mikoto also targets 'john' to blame him for 'causing problems', to add layers to the self-hatred. 'john' counters emotionally, evoking his subservience and desire to protect, and defending his existence on the basis that he tried to help.

practically, i believe 'john' does help, by protecting mikoto from the reality that 'he' (09) killed people. but in 09's eyes, 'john's' 'helping' is 09's unexplainable and fragmented violent outburst, and thus 'john' has done a crap job at helping anything. this leads 'john' to not understand his value as an alter and hate himself, being ready to throw himself under the bus for mikoto's sake to 'save him' from the consequences of 09's guilt, and leads mikoto to lash out at 'john'.

i'll just say, from experience, throwing blame between alters that are associated with traumatic experiences is an unfortunate and common experience with DID. i even talk about it in my DID representation doc, as to illustrate why self-compassion and tolerance is vital to healing.

It’s very easy for us DID folk to simply wish that all of it would go away - to wish all of them would go away - because they must be the root of all our problems. They’re too needy, they’re too sad, they’re too angry, they hurt me, and I don’t understand them. I wish they would leave. I just want peace, we think. (...) Regardless of how alien and aggressive we feel, people with DID aren’t possessed, and our hurting and self-harming and destructive parts aren’t demons. They’re traumatised facets of a traumatised person. And no part of a traumatised person deserves to be repressed and vilified and shunned. (...) To me, a hopeful narrative and resolution is anything that can bring the parts together cohesively while loving their differences. (...) Navigating the decades of internal conflict and self-hatred and transforming it into tolerance and love. — Me, The Subjective Comprehensive Guide to [DID] Representation

... great job with the tolerance and love, guys.

conclusion / tl;dr:

i don't think 'john' as an alter appeared one day and decided to kill people to help mikoto cope with work stress.

i think 'john' is a very complicated part of mikoto, that identifies with the act and identity of killing, to keep it from mikoto and protect him. he presents himself as the 'kind of person' that would kill, and who is different to mikoto, because to 09, mikoto is not that 'kind of person'.

i think 09 use DID and the distinctions between alters to protect themselves psychologically, because that's why the disorder exists.

i also think it gives them an advantage in Milgram: by leaning into their DID and maladaptive self-ostracisation, they can attempt to convince the audience that 09's guilt is split between two alters: an innocent and a guilty.

using this, 'john', who hates himself as it is, promises to the audience that he will vanish himself on the condition mikoto is voted innocent, making himself useful one last time and finally 'saving' mikoto in the way he feels he has failed to thus far.

epilogue / reflection

so! i hope i make sense, and i really hope i haven't forgotten to cover anything glaring.

this is an all-encompassing way of reading 09 to me, and if it is canon like i believe, 09 may be a shockingly sensitive and accurate portrayal of DID. but to unearth this interpretation you need to dive into a lot of subtext and dodge a lot of intentional misdirection than leans into stigma and negative stereotypes of DID, so i sort of understand why a lot of people fall short, end up taking things at face value, or otherwise feel unqualified to dissect what's being written and claimed.

i hope my analysis and commentary helps, and please know that i am also always open to yap about these guys or DID representation in general if anyone would like. this is a very strong interest of mine, and i love picking fiction and DID representation apart, as well as demystifying the condition for people!

thank you for getting to the end of this, i know it's an essay and a half.

if you read this all the way through, even ignoring the text in images, this post comes out at over 3.5k words. this is longer than any college essay i've ever written. good grief. but it's over. thank you for sticking with me.

note on names: for the purposes of this post:

mikoto refers to the overall human being. this includes when i am speaking about him as a collective, and when speaking about him generically (when i don't know or care 'which' alter did what act).

'john' refers exclusively to the mikoto that appears in Neoplasm and is named 'john' by es for convenience. i will not assume any other 'not-normal-mikoto' alters are necessarily 'john'. you will see why.

when referring to any other specific parts of mikoto (eg. his normative identities, other versions of him we see) i will clarify which ones i mean within the sentence by describing them.

introduction

the amount of 'jokes' i've scrolled through on twitter lately about him being bad rep or having one good personality and one evil personality has officially made me lose my marbles.

my girlfriend pointed out that tbf, that sort of impression about how his character is written makes sense if you haven't read the text very deeply. not everyone has spent almost a year picking apart every word this man has said.

so i'm doing the work reading and i'm going to personally spoonfeed the relevant bits of the text to people. now nobody has any excuse.

i will try to keep every section as brief as possible, but please know that every section has a lot more evidence and reasoning behind it. please feel free to ask me about them or see my other (significantly longer) essays for further evidence and reasoning.

psuedo-essay starts now.

1. 'John' didn't commit the murders.

every time 'john' confesses to the murders, he makes a point to always, immediately, make sure that this confession means that mikoto will be forgiven/considered innocent, as if he has an ulterior goal and preoccupation with keeping mikoto's identity 'clean'.

his account of the murders is incredibly vague and emotionally detached (compared to 'normative-John Doe-mikoto' who panics and dissociates when pressed on the matter, and to his response in Interrogation 2 Q.10 where he exhibits distress and is unable to answer the question on if he feels sorry for his victims). it honestly seems like he doesn't have much connection to the memory at all.

and 'john' says himself in his own words that his reason for existence is to protect himself, and that eventually he will "take it all - bear it all, everything and anything, and [] be rid of it". he also demonstrates a striking amount of self-destructive ideation and poor self esteem.

to me, all this is indicative that 'john' is a part of mikoto that exists to bear the guilt of their murderous acts (and the stigma of being labelled a murderer); he is not a part that exists to perpetrate murder. he protects mikoto by 'owning' the unacceptable acts and elements of identity, isolating them within himself, and then planning/wanting to vanish it with him, somehow.

obviously, because of this, he wants es, the audience, and he himself to believe that 'john' — 'not-mikoto-(trust)' — perpetrated the murders, and that that means mikoto didn't do anything bad. but because we are smart we see through his dissociative coping mechanism.

mikoto murdered people; mikoto is being labelled a murderer. and although he has a psychological scapegoat that he cannot recognise as himself to help himself cope with that fact, he ultimately cannot escape that reality.

when mikoto is lobotomised and loses the part of himself that es calls 'john', the guilt and reality of his situation remains. all that is removed from mikoto in the lobotomy is his ability to separate himself from this act and cope by believing it was somebody else.

almost as if the purpose of 'john' was to act as a dissociated part that bears his guilt so mikoto (who cannot cope with this reality) can protect himself from confronting it.

2. Mikoto is mask upon mask, and 'John' is the model prisoner.

milgram.jp/character/mikoto (Profile): 常識人なりに常に状況に対して順応しようとしている。 tl: "A sensible* person who is always trying to [adapt/conform/acclimate/accomodate] to whatever the situation is." By "sensible", it means acting in accordance with prudence and propriety with the mores. (@milgram-en)

mikoto is described on the milgram.jp website as a person who is always adapting to the situation at hand.

we can see this firsthand in his normative-identity-self that we meet in t1, who insists on what a standard everyday worker he is. in Double and Undercover and his interros we see how much he values his work and puts up with his abusive work environment, and how much he neglects himself to prioritise and bear it.

i find it practically textual that a major element of his identity is how he dissociates to allow himself to 'become' the role his environment expects of him, to survive these abusive environments.

by Neoplasm, mikoto's demeanour has adapted from his work-self to a 'prisoner-self', and he dissociates (through 'john') to 'become' the role MILGRAM expects of him.

in John Doe mikoto and es could not negotiate because mikoto could not accept any of this was real and insisted he was a regular guy.

in Neoplasm, 'john' is able to negotiate at length, making the warden's job easier and less frustrating. he accepts that MILGRAM is happening, he accepts that he is a murderer, and he even acts the part of a rough and aggressive prisoner without having it cause es any problems.

'john', on the surface, acts exactly as you'd expect an aggressive alter who perpetrated crimes to act, because that's exactly what es and the audience want him to be.

and just like in his life so far, by acting this part, he even gets on the right track for surviving this new abusive environment (T2 inno verdict).

3. Mikoto demonstrates very realistic dissociation from his absolutely justifiable anger.

when asked on if he'd ever even wanted to kill someone in the T2 interrogation, he denies it, uncertainly and disconnectedly. his handwriting shows visible distress and the beginnings of severe dissociation setting in. this claim that he'd never had such thoughts is also contradicted by him in Neoplasm, as 'john' says normative-mikoto "wished for a being that could destroy everything".

therefore it is pretty clear that despite having the capacity for violence and wishing for violence, mikoto cannot psychologically bear that coming from himself, and so whenever it comes up he either flat out denies its existence or attributes it to an 'other'.

he very obviously demonstrates dissociation from the fact that he killed people or has the capacity for such violent acts, because this reality is not one he can face or confront, because of the immense anguish it causes him.

in John Doe es persistently prods at his dissociation from his violent acts and thoughts and labels mikoto a murderer, despite mikoto begging for them to stop. es essentially takes a sledgehammer to mikoto's dissociation that has kept him stable all his life, and refuses to let up despite mikoto's begging and obvious immense distress.

mikoto's crashout is absolutely justifiable here. it's simply deeply unlucky that mikoto exists in a MILGRAM loophole and is therefore successful in connecting his attack, so this instance sticks out to everyone as a show of extreme violence.

(i don't think anybody thinks fuuta, who attacks es right at the start of his interrogation is volatile and violent, and yet mikoto is often labelled this way for reacting to relentless abuse.)

another element of his self that mikoto is clearly dissociated from is his anger. he cannot recall ever becoming angry and finds it an unacceptable way to be. hence the part of himself that does hold anger and is the one that explodes at es, is dissociated.

he didn't 'switch' into some fundamentally evil violent alter and start beating es for no reason.

he (completely understandably) cracked and lashed out under a relentless abusive assault, while also being unable to identify with lashing out or the idea of having angry emotions. hence, his demeanour changes for the period he is angry, and he forgets this understandable reaction after it happens.

this is literally just what DID is.

4. Mikoto demonstrates many more dissociative symptoms beyond alters. He also has more than two alters.

mikoto's writing evokes dissociative symptoms such as dereality (the feeling the world is unreal or dream-like), the feeling that you are watching yourself act without your own control, and the feeling that you have done things without being conscious of them, through his sleepwalking/dreaming imagery. these are common and significant dissociative symptoms found in disorders such as DID.

(i wrote this section in the miraheze wiki. i'm just not arsed to copy and paste it.)

he also demonstrates identity confusion and alteration outside of being a binary.

mikoto uses at least six distinct personal pronouns that are often intentionally alternated. most famously mikoto alternates katakana ore and kanji boku in Neoplasm (when talking about him ('john') vs 'normative-mikoto'), but mikoto also alternates personal pronouns in MeMe, wherein katakana boku and kanji boku are used as object and subject in a sentence respectively (ボクが僕を).

the mikoto who uses kanji boku in John Doe and the mikoto that uses kanji boku in Neoplasm also have distinct linguistic profiles and demeanours (see: milgram-en's commentary in how his boku pronouns are pronounced in their Neoplasm translation).

so pronouns are not the end-all for denoting which active part he is in; his identity and demeanour is persistently nebulous, inconsistent, and confused.

in mikoto's trial 2 interrogation alone mikoto also demonstrates at least five distinct handwriting styles.

the way the 'other' mikotos are drawn between MeMe and Double are markedly different. the ore mikoto in John Doe and 'john' use different personal pronouns (kanji ore and katakana ore respectively), while the ore personal pronoun in Double is back to kanji ore again.

and, literally anyone who has tried to analyse his MVs and definitively point out which shots are mikoto and which are 'john' can tell you that it is practically impossible.

mikoto isn't only two distinct parts, as much as we would like to assume. instead he has a lot of grey area, a lot of overlap, and is a character with a lot of undefined dissociated states.

5. Mikoto's DID label and the model of being multiple is coercively applied to him.

mikoto, coming into MILGRAM, does not consider himself to have DID. it is implied he does not know very much about DID even after he is labelled with it, and generally seems to sympathise with the notion of DID being a lousy excuse for murder.

however, after kotoko, es, jackalope, and the audience concede with his armchair DID diagnosis, and after MILGRAM ensures a main talking point between T1 and T2 is if having DID should let him get off for murder (by having kotoko suggest this angle), in T2, parts of mikoto begin to engage with the idea that he has multiple selves, and the argument that it was an alter that did it.

even after he has been labelled and begins to acknowledge he has different selves however, he doesn't seem to consider himself multiple entities with different names, like es (and the audience) expect him to. he (unenthusiastically) lets es provide him a distinguishing name for convenience, but he only identifies himself with this name once, at the very end of the voice drama and desperate to get through to them. he otherwise kind of ignores it.

a large part of how mikoto understands and presents his DID is directly informed by what people have told him about him, what they suggest he should be like, and how he knows they want to think about him. parts of it are also entirely constructed by the audience and es, as they mold him into a more stereotyped DID presentation that is digestible to them.

outside of MILGRAM's coercion, and within the less obvious parts of his writing, mikoto's DID is significantly more hidden, realistic, and nuanced. but under the audience's speculation and expectations he is shaped and plays into into what they expect him to be.

which is entirely in line with his vulnerable, highly adaptive, and socially conscious character.

conclusion

please be mindful when analysing characters like mikoto that you don't immediately assume they have bad, stereotyped writing just because they act in a way you don't understand.

when you pick apart mikoto's influences, his contexts, and look at his actions beyond the surface level, a very understandable and traumatised person emerges. just because many don't look beyond a surface level does not make his character illogical, volatile, or offensively written.

First of all, I was very satisfied with the story. Regardless of the outcome of the plot, this is a story that from beginning to end was told with love, conviction, and absolute intention. I keep coming back to this quote by gooseworx from 2024:

I went into the finale expecting this message to prevail in the ending, and it was addressed immediately. The cast wasted no time in coming to the conclusion: they are all brain scans. Digital snapshots of themselves, a full consciousness with no avenue by which to return to the real world. The cast deals with this revelation by embracing community, with the exception of Jax.

Jax. Leeroy Mateo. He was 22 years old when he put on that headset. In his outside life, after his adventure to C&A, he started improving. Found a stable housing situation, a job, was able to pay rent. He found a group of friends, people he could trust enough to join him at Zooble's bar. He was able to engage with queer community at his own pace. In a couple of years, he may have felt comfortable enough to acknowledge his transfem identity. Confide in his closest friends. Consider another name, other pronouns. Continue to grow and become the person he wants to be.

That is not the place Jax was in at 22. The version of Jax's mind captured in the circus is ruled by paralyzing fear. Fear of ridicule, fear of his transfem identity being perceived. He is incapable of trusting anyone who shares that knowledge, however kind and well-intentioned, however close of a friend the person may be. He doesn't intentionally come out to Ribbit. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready.

Jax can't handle someone else having that knowledge, and so he panics. Launches hard into old defense mechanisms. Pushes Ribbit away, refuses to ever acknowledge their conversation, eventually refuses to acknowledge they had any connection at all. Coerces the group into ostracizing her, until Ribbit's guilt and isolation leads them to abstraction. It's a sad story. It's the only story Jax could let himself enact at 22.

One thing the finale made me realize about the characters, was that although new experiences, new people and new adventures in the circus do allow them introspection, do allow them to forward connection with others; the members of the circus are not afforded the human life experience and cultural atmosphere to allow for radical personal maturation and growth. At their core, the characters are still a snapshot from a human brain, now completely removed from the context that molded it. There's people they'll never meet, classes and jobs they'll never take, major life events they'll never have, loved ones they can never reconcile with.

I feel a major factor creating that environment was the atmosphere of the circus, the nature of the adventures. It's gotta be hard to feel connected to your humanity when you don't have human anatomy, when you aren't bound by human physics, maintainance or mortality, when every day is a fully immersive cartoon fantasy video game. No wonder Jax never felt like anything was real. In many ways, it wasn't.

In the end, Jax was not saved. Not because he wasn't afforded opportunities for emotional connection, not because he wasn't included and forgiven by those around him, not because he was not worthy of love and redemption, but because in the end, Jax couldn't choose to save himself.

In this life, there are so many things we can't control. To cut straight to the chase, it's dangerous and ostracizing to be a queer person in the United States right now. The people who hate us would gladly see us lay down and die. We have to choose to fight for ourselves. Even if that looks like just choosing to stay alive. Just holding our heads up enough to weather the storm.

The message I took from The Amazing Digital Circus was that in a world out of your control, where it may feel pointless to even stay alive, you can find meaning in your connection to others. We have to be there for each other; sometimes we are all we have.

If I had to voice a critique of the finale, I will say that I wish the story offered a way to recover the characters who abstracted. It was a bittersweet ending knowing that Jax, Ribbit, Kaufmo, Queenie, and Scratch can never be brought back. Are they all suffering the same way as Jax is, isolated forever in their separate mindscapes? Do abstractions feel any comfort from being lovingly shepherded into a blanket fortress? Are they at peace, drifting freely through the aquarium, viewing the faces of the people they used to know? I wish they were afforded the closure the surviving cast was given, being shown who they are in the real world, and how their human selves have been able to change and grow. I suspect many fix-it fics to address this element of the finale are now, or soon will be, voraciously in the works.

As some final, semi-random notes; while I know that gooseworx has stuck by her resolution of romance playing no role in the main tadc plot, I will be taking the end credit scene implying abstragedy lesbian sex and running. This is canon to me now and you're not getting it back because I've already put it in my mouth and I'm too fast and you'll never catch me.

Last but not least, as a STL native it was a great surprise, joy and disbelief to see that the entire cast is apparently based in Saint Louis??????? Sitting in a theater full of Saint Louisians, hearing it audibly dawn on all of us was a crazy experience. Somehow the location feels right; somewhere urban, kind of grungy and disheartening at first glance, but down to earth and full of culture under the surface. Somewhere you can make it, if you hang in there and fight for it. I would love to be able to visit the Triangle bar in person, I can see a sleek neon shopfront, flanked by ferns and fairy lights, in the dying rays of sunset tucked into the streets downtown. I can see Kinger visiting the Butterfly House and Insectarium at the zoo, I can see Zooble and Gangle dressing up to catch a show at the Fox on the weekends. I can see the horse farms on the edge of the suburbs, the country roads winding through rural towns where Ragatha left her mother behind for good. The location context makes the story feel more real to me, it's something special that I wasn't expecting. "There's that relatability!" Lol.

Overall, I think the TADC series was a thought-out and precise story with a satisfactory ending. I see where people will have their grievances, but I thank gooseworx for sharing her characters with the world, and I hope she is spared any drama that may come with the wide audience that will receive her story.