hi i should be writing but mostly i don't

but i have 0 “friends” and the app wont stop telling me that (thanks for the reminder goodreads) so do any of you have it as well?? please be my friend if thats the case hahah <333

a/n: most of my energy goes to  not think about fred’s d**** and george’s loss but i’ve had this idea in mind for a couple of months so i decided to actually write it down. but we all agree that fred and george lived the rest of their lives happy and safe and together, right?

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It had become night when you slowly made your way up the stairs from the shop. You blamed it on work, that’s the reason you weren’t home that much. You had offered to help George with the shop on the side of your own job, but you had manage the workload without major problems. Only at work could you take the war off your mind. It was when you got home again that the flashback started. You could still hear the screams, the ringing in your ear as the castle got attacked. You still thought you smelled of dried blood. As much as you wanted to be there for George, you felt trapped up in that small apartment. You longed for a surrounding that didn’t remind you of war and pain and death. 

The key turned and you had to take a few deep breaths before opening the door. On your way home from work did the thought of just not come back to this place pop up in your head more than once. You still had the opportunity to start your life over, outside in the muggle world. Get an office job, shut out the past 10 years of your life. If it wasn’t for George, oh poor George, you would never come back. 

Not a single light was on in the apartment, George had probably already went to bed. You sighed of relief, you wouldn’t have the strength to meet his blank eyes and to listen to his toneless voice. Nothing you said or did would ever make him feel better, and you had slowly started to go insane trying to figure out what you could do to just take away some of his pain, just for a short while. As you went to take off your coat, you felt something getting crushed under your shoe. You bend down to get a feel of what was laying on the floor and noticed the main part of the hallway was covered with glass shards. A nagging feeling of worry started to spread throughout your body when you also could see the hallway mirror completely destroyed. 

“George?”, you called out and you could even hear the worry in your own voice. It’s okay, he’s okay, you repeated in your thoughts, but you had gone over every possible reason to why your home looked like a mess before stepping into the kitchen. Where George sat. You stomach dropped in relief, he was at least home. 

“George”, you breathed out again, dropping your coat and bag on the floor and quickly walked up to him. “Hey, what happened?”, you asked, kneeling down beside him. It was as if he didn’t realize you where there until you softly grabbed his hand. he tried to pull away, but you had already noticed to blood running down his knuckles. 

“George!”. You voice broke, not used to scream the way you just did. George on the other hand, barley reacted. He didn’t even out up a fight as you dragged him down from the chair by the hands to get a better look at them. Your eyes had started to adjust to the lack of light but it was still difficult to see details. 

“How do you do it?”, George spoke out in the dark. You looked up at him, he didn’t met your gaze but instead just stared blindly in the dark. 

“What do you mean”, you asked and gently stroke some hair out of his face. It looked like he hadn’t eaten in days and the lack of sleep was clearly visible due the darkness around his eyes and chapped skin. How could you even consider leaving him when he was in this bad shape?

“Every time I look in the mirror I only see him”, he said with a shake voice. “How can you even bare look at my face?”. You had to gather your emotions that hit you like a strike to the abdomen, swallow the thickness in your throat before answering. The broken mirror and bloody hands, it didn’t take long before you collected the pieces. 

“You’re hurt, George. Let me take a look at it”, you said instead, getting ready to get up from the floor but George tightened the grasp over your hand. You stopped for a moment before sinking down on the floor again. “You need some band-aids, and sleep”. He shake his head.

“I need you to answer me”, he said, something unfamiliar in his voice. Close to anger. He had been near apathetic ever since returning home, the only time you saw him actually feel something was when you two stayed at the Burrow with his family. “Why won’t you ever talk about him?”. He had a point, for the most part when Fred came up in a conversation, you often would avoid the topic or simply just leave the room. It was way too painful, even to think about the happy moments. Nothing would ever be the same without your friend and to talk about him, to think about him, you worried you’d just fall deeper into the numb darkness you’ve felt since his death. You had thought George felt the same, when you where alone with him, his brother never came up. In fact, you rarely spoke anymore. 

“I don’t want to talk about him”, you whispered, this time it was you that didn’t dare to meet his eyes. “I... I can’t”. 

“But I need to, I must talk about him”. You heard his tears in his voice. His hand in your was cold and shaking, just like yours. You sat there in silence as both of you tried to think of something to say. You moved a little close towards George, wrapped your free arm around his tired body. 

requested by anon: “You have a death wish, I swear.“ with Remus <3

feel free to request something!! promt list

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You had just poured yourself a second cup of morning tea when the front door opened. Even though every cell in your body screamed at you to come running towards the man that just stepped in, you tried your best to resist the urge and instead just slowly put down the cup on the table. Giving Remus time, just like you’d taked about. 

It drove you mad sometimes. More than sometimes, to have the man you loved refusing any help during these hard couple of days every month. However, Remus knew best about what he needed in times like these. Too afraid of letting you come close to him during the full moon, and the nightmares he had every other night were a sign that his fears were real. His heavy footsteps came close and you met up with him just in the doorway into the kitchen. It broke your heart seeing him like this; dark eyes that were bloodshot due to the challenging night, fresh scars was visible under his shirt and his hands shaking.

“Come”, you whispered quietly before taking his hand and leading him to the bathroom. The flat you two had bought together was anything but large and even functioning, but it was the one you could afford and it was at least on the off side with multiple choices for Remus to hide. The water you’d tapped up had slightly chilled down, but it’d work just fine. With only the sound from the radio did you slowly began scrubbing his body, cleaning way the dirt and sweat that had build up. 

“You have a death wish, I swear”, his voice broke on multiple words, more hoarse than usual after he’d came back to your home. You tried to lighten up the room by laughing softly, but Remus remained emotionless. Your smile quickly faded.

“Why is that?”, you asked him instead, massaging the schampoo through his curly wet hair. 

“You know why”, he said and closed his eyes as you washed his head with fresh water. You did know why, it was something you had talked about a lot the past years. Remus was terrified of himself and could never accept that others could care for him. It had been especially hard on him the last couple of months with the fear of war around the corner. It never matter what you’d say to him, it seemed like. You’ve tried explaining to him that you’d never leave his side, that you loved him for everything he was. But all Remus saw in the mirror was a monster, and no one deserved living with a monster according to him. 

You decided to not answer him. Instead, you grabbed the soft towel and held it out to him so he could wrap himself up in it. His head was still dropping wet and you could spot were you’d miss rinsing off some schampoo behind his ears. You reached up to wipe the bubbles away, and at the same time embrace his body in a hug. As you stood there, the morning sun beginning to shine through the dusty window, you felt his body slowly beginning to shake. You stroke his back, planting soft kisses over his shoulder.

for the past month, i’ve been seeing doctor after doctor, gotten both anti anxiety and anti depressants prescripted to me, but this was the first time meeting a psychologist and boy is there a difference.

she was so lovely and caring for me, and even though it makes me super uncomfortable talking about my problems out load it’s like a hug when someone takes time listening to you. taking you in and wanting to help.

i’m writing this because nobody knows who i am here. not to get empathy or encouragement from strangers. but to lift my heart on this website than i’ve been on since i was 13. years has pasted and i’m no longer the same person (thank god), but tumblr will always be here and that is strangely reassuring. 

i’m not happy. i’m no where near happy right now and i haven’t been for a long time. a big part of me doesn’t even want to be happy or to get help. 

i’ve always been open about my problems on this blog and i don’t want to stop doing that. i remember how calming it was when i was younger to be able to just write down some thoughts i had on here, and i remember every nice message i got from the lovely people that responded.

29: “ Do that again. ” 37: “ Let’s just run away. ”

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The common room was quiet. A change of aura around the castle had been noticeably for the students and it affected everyone. Normally on an ordinary Tuesday evening, the Gryffindor common room was usually filled with students, sitting together around the crackling fireplace, cosied up in the armchairs with borrowed books from the library, some more focused than others. During your years at Hogwarts had it never been as quiet since Umbridge took the place as the headmistress. 

Now, you could’ve hear a pin fall to the floor. The new shift of structure made the days feel even longer than normal, but you still had homework to turn in. Deadline’s any day now, but still, the quill hadn’t moved in the last minute - your eyes just starring blankly on the papers. You didn’t even hear someone come up behind you. Not until you felt a light touch to you shoulders as fingers briefly massaged your tense shoulders before the touch disappeared and Fred’s figure sat down on the chair beside you. You slowly shook your head before he even had a chance to say anything.

“Do that again”, you said, your voice hoarse of tiredness. Fred flashed you a slight smile before getting up to rub your muscles. 

“Tired much?”, he asked as you closed your eyes. You were glad to have Fred by your side in the middle of this. He, along with his brother and a handful other students around the school made it at least... bearable. His fingers found an especially soar spot and you quickly grimaced by the sudden pain. 

“I’m exhausted”. The words got left hanging in the air for a moment as Fred continued to work his way through your shoulders. “Everything is gonna change now, isn’t?”, you spoke up again to break the silence. Fred’s movement stopped when he heard your voice, it took some time before he sat down again next to you. 

“I’m afraid it already has, love”, he said, taking your hand in his and automatically rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand - one thing he had done countless of times. You leaned back on the chair, letting a low sigh out. 

“What are we going to do?”. This was your final year at Hogwarts, something you had looked so much forward to. The graduation, the thrilling thought of being out in the wizarding world with your best friends by your side. Everything you’d wish for was out there, but nothing seemed to be close enough to grasp. Fred looked up at you, taking in your appearance. The tired eyes, dry from sleep deprivation, the pale skin that had lost most of it’s colour during the harsh winter. He’d known you long enough to understand just by looking at you how much it had affected you. Then a grin appeared over his face.

“Let’s run away”, he whispered even though the only ones in the room were the two of you. The sheepish look in his eyes made a laughter bubble out of you. A genuine laughter, something you hadn’t experienced in days. 

“We can’t run away, Fred”, you answered, still with a chuckle in your voice. It felt somehow unfamiliar, but oh how you had missed it. Fred’s grin didn’t go away.

“Of course we can. Me and George have actually talked about it”. You didn’t really take in how serious he was when he spoke those words. Sure, you weren’t pleased with how the past months had been at Hogwarts, but never had you even began the thought of dropping out. Then again, you were quite different than Fred and his brother. “We can run away together, the three of us”. The thought began to feel exciting. Thrilling, even. Get away from this place. You tightened the grasp around Fred’s pale hand. Something inside of you had caught a spark. 

“I love you”, you breathed out, at first not daring to really meet Fred’s gaze when you said those words. It wasn’t the first time, but everything around you was so much serious now. Fred cupped your face, gently stroke the side of your cheek. “I really do, and always have”.